“Trust is not necessary when you don’t want or need anything”…from someone else.
~Neale Donald Walsh
Myth: Trust is about always being honest.
Truth: Trust is about being honest, and in alignment with yourself where you don’t feel shame or guilt.
I grew up believing you must always tell the truth, but as I began a path of self-discovery where I honoured what matters to me instead of trying to meet other people’s expectations, needs, and desires I learned the hard way you don’t always have the space to share what’s true for you. Not everyone wants you to be happy your way – they want you to be happy their way. Their ego can show up with criticism (finding fault with you based on their perspective) or judgment (contempt, blame, anger), and you have to decide: do I trust myself?
I strive to hold the highest intention of love (goodness) for myself and others. The most difficult problem we face in our relationships is that each of us is on our own path longing to be true to ourselves. We end up brushing up against each other along the way. Elizabeth Gilbert describes this path to happiness in our relationships in this 2 minute clip where her underlying guidance is generate your own warmth (self-love) to avoid stabbing each other : )
Trust goes beyond having to share everything with each other – it’s trusting that the intention anyone holds towards you comes from a place of love, and not fear. Fear says “you have to tell me everything”, but love says “I trust whatever you choose to share with me is all that I need to hear.”
When you find those who love you unconditionally (who don’t criticize, or judge you), there’s space to be completely authentic even with those who may disagree with you. Its not about lying to hide any shame or guilt (if that’s the case you are lying to yourself), it’s about understanding whether a freedom exists to share what you know is aligned with your own well-being.
How People Who Trust Themselves Live Authentically
Have you noticed how few people live authentically following their own heart because they trust themselves? You may find yourself having to ‘break the rules’ someone made up. It’s not easy, and can be very painful. These are growing pains that can lead you to true happiness, that most tend to avoid.
Sometimes what comes back will be anger in the form of blame, self-righteousness, and hatred that you have now created by ‘speaking your truth’. When this happens, you will be able to see very clearly what’s true for you in the contrast, and what’s true for someone else to know which way to turn – away or towards.
So how do you live by your own truth? You tread carefully. One close friend advised to share in ‘baby steps‘ — a little medicine at a time. It’s not ok to step on someone else’s spiritual path so you can get relief of any dissonance you feel needing to be authentic when you can see your truth will only have someone’s ego or unawareness work against them, and against you. Some are not ready to hear your truth, and it is not your responsibility to force it upon anyone. We do not necessarily grow at the same rate or in the same ways.
Beyond the right and wrong of “lies” sometimes calls for not sharing your ‘whole truth’ where a deeper trust – a love you hold stands stronger. We do this when you tell a child who suffers from low self-esteem that her artwork she is delighted to show you is “beautiful” not because you think it is, but because she is beautiful, and that’s the extent she can receive, and may need to hear. What you notice when you see past any definition of ‘beauty’ – is a deeper truth, that whatever she creates is beautiful because it came from her.
If she had higher self-esteem you might say I love the effort you made, remark on what you did like, and ask if she wants your honest feedback if there’s something you thought she might want to improve. We discern from the best of our ability where someone is emotionally, mentally, and spiritually to know what they can, or cannot receive in a way that will be best for their well being, while standing in your own truth.
A Poem By Rudyard Kipling
When I was 11, I had to recite a poem called If by Rudyard Kipling (my wise mother’s choice for a school assignment). At the time I only vaguely understood the words, and I interpreted the initial verse to mean ‘never lie’, but today I understand it to mean – trust yourself — be aligned within. Don’t lie to yourself about what you know is true for you. Others may create lies about you – don’t judge them for it will lead to contempt.
If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too:
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or, being lied about, don’t deal in lies,
Or being hated don’t give way to hating,
And yet don’t look too good, nor talk too wise;
When you allow yourself to BE YOU with the people who don’t blame, condemn, or who can’t understand because they don’t have your experience, you have the ability to change the energy of those around you where they now get to BE more of THEM, and YOU get to share even more of YOU. This is how you create the deepest, happiest, healthiest connections founded in love. It’s a freedom like no other, and the space to live true to yourself.
Where are you following expectations, rules, and putting up with what doesn’t ring true for you? Are you willing to “lie” or not share your whole truth so you can begin to follow your heart, experience what’s there you didn’t know, and trust from within?
