I couldn’t tell you what authentic connection meant until I found myself taking an on-line writing course 14 years ago. My mind was saying “what are you doing, you’re an accountant?!” That was the beginning of discovering through my own authentic connection how the healthiest relationships could develop.
By healthy, I mean the kind where I can now be unapologetically honest, laugh uncontrollably, occasionally tear up, we can talk for hours non-stop, I get warm fuzzies because this person lights up my soul, and both of us learn, and expand from our connection.
Most importantly – there’s no judgment. That means no taking things personally. I have the freedom to be all of me.
Basically, the level of intimacy is through the roof. Time and distance no longer matter.
With those closest to you, there will be some anger, frustration, and disappointment, but healthy relationships have space for conflict that allows the ‘truth of all you are’ to show up for your soul’s growth. No beating around the bush or hiding behind a mask here.
Perhaps this sounds like a tall order for our relationships, but we get what we settle for, and when it comes to all the people you choose to spend your precious time with – I urge you not to settle.
Discovering Your Authentic Connection First
Finding my own personal authentic connection started me on a wildly unexpected journey into my own relationships, which I thought at the time were just fine! We don’t know what we don’t know..
The health of your relationships is defined by the energy you have inside to give. Is it fearful or loving? Insecure or whole? Apathetic or passionate? Reactive or curious? Disengaged or interested? The closer you connect to your ‘higher vibration’ authenticity, which is your personal version of what’s true, beautiful, and good on your particular adventure – the more you have to give in healthy ways.
Authentic Connection => Healthy relationships => Love Flows in
As I started giving from my own increasing authenticity, I noticed the depth of my conversations began changing with friends & family members who’d say goodbye with a huge hug, and “I love you”. At first, it felt like the strangest thing.
What comes back from your authentic connection is a matching vibration of someone else bringing their authentic energy, and that undeniable, undefinable thing called love flows in at new levels. Healthy relationships blossom.
It can be one conversation or a lifetime connection. What’s awesome is what’s authentic varies all over the map to create the relationships you want most.
What It Takes to Live More Authentically
To get here, I had to stop doing what I thought was expected, and face disappointing or angering someone. It didn’t mean stepping all over people’s toes, but learning when, and where it was appropriate to say, and show up with what was true for me.
You will discover someone’s authenticity by being vulnerable, and genuinely curious about other people. Over time, your authentic energy will invite people in without any words – your presence feels safe to others when you are true to yourself.
I needed the courage to fail, doubt myself, look stupid, and let go of some people along the way. We’re all on our own authentic path, and the degree to which you can trust yourself here makes a difference.
There are no Guarantees
It doesn’t matter what you give – someone else can mistrust, demand, pull back, get annoyed, take you personally, even judge you! For the first time, my choices pissed some people off, and I had to be OK with that.
Their opposition reminded me that I was living by my own rules, and you cannot please everyone. But when you are both in your true nature – you can oppose, and still love.
The Feeling of Authenticity – Joy versus Happy
As you begin doing more of what makes your heart sing that feels right for you – you’ll discover signs about your own true nature that were there all along. Why a particular song resonated. Mysterious things you were drawn to. People that made an impression. Experiences you long for.
Whatever brings you joy is authentic to you, and happy is not the same as joy.
Happiness can fade when we’re seeking it from the outside, while joy is everlasting because we become it first, which brings lasting happiness to us in the unique way we desire.
Authentic connection takes you on an inner spiritual journey of attuning to your inner light, which is the spark for developing your healthiest relationships.
You become transparent with yourself first and foremost. No denying, or pretending that this is working for you when it is not. If you are not experiencing full on JOY, LOVE & LAUGHTER where your soul feels alive in your closest relationships, your authentic light is still waiting to be ignited.
10 Steps to Your Healthy Relationships through Authentic Connection
1) Trust yourself for what feels aligned. Whatever feels joyful, fun, easy, loving – follow that bliss.
2) Notice the little things you used to enjoy or what you long to enjoy (like dancing, getting away for a night, staying up until 2 am with a bottle of wine, making love in the moonlight, painting, singing, going after your dreams in some small way..).
3) Be ready to question what the F#%* you’re doing actually following your bliss (people will think you’re crazy, including you), but trust and go with it anyway.
4) Don’t feel guilty for doing what brings you joy. Other people are responsible for their joy. Remind yourself that you have more to give from this place.
5) Expect to be pleasantly surprised with synchronicities that keep becoming more frequent, and unbelievable because when your soul lights up, magic happens. That’s the universe having your back.
6) Create healthy boundaries. Limit time & energy spent with anyone including long-time friends, and relatives where it feels toxic, draining or simply not engaging. It doesn’t mean you become irresponsible – it means you protect your energy with people.
7) Practice being compassionately honest with what you feel needs to be shared (as opposed to demand or complain) even if the reaction you may get is negative.
8) Honour that privacy is a right. Your truth belongs to you. Some secrets are yours to keep as long as you’re in harmony & not lying to yourself. If you’re feeling guilty, you’re either out of internal alignment or attached to someone else’s truth you believe should be yours.
9) Say NO to what’s not working, and YES to what is. Especially when it feels hard to do.
10) Get to know thyself deeper. Discover your enneagram type. Knowing my type for the past decade (recommend Dr. David Daniels here ) has helped me step more into owning who I am. It’s what I describe as your energetic authentic style, and one of the best tools for building healthy relationships.
P.S. Jumping for joy are my son’s friends – he loved taking that photo at our family cottage. My joy? Seeing my son experiencing healthy relationships through his authentic connection.
