Are you willing to show unconditional love and allow for what’s REAL to show up in your relationships, which frankly can get messy? There’s no hiding, avoiding, pretending, sweeping under the rug until the next time.

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Love does not cause suffering: what causes it is the sense of ownership,

which is love’s opposite.

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~Antoine de Saint Exupery

We have a strong tendency to want control in our lives that extends to the people around us. Love becomes ‘you have to BE the way I need you to so I can be happy’. This is the essence of ownership that takes you away from unconditional love. We become attached to our way needing to be right, and can no longer see that our ego has kicked in being controlling, demanding, expecting, imposing.

Love is the opposite. It says I want to support, champion, seek understanding from a compassionate place to allow you to be who you are, and this is what will bring me happiness. The freedom in this non-judgmental space is what you want others to give to you. It’s a universal desire to be seen, and heard for who we are without being condemned (made to be wrong), while having the space to make mistakes, and grow from them.

It allows your well-being to blossom, grow, expand into your own truth.

• Do people love you where you have the freedom to show up fully?
• Can you be real with the ones that matter?
• Do you have the self-love within that no longer needs to feel worthy, good enough, or valuable in someone else’s eyes?

Your choices for what you say and do create life experiences that are either constructive (allows you to grow towards your own happiness) or destructive (creates stagnation away from love), and only you possess the wisdom to know the difference.

When fear, worry, negativity, disappointment shows up, it can be so much easier to numb out with busyness (shopping, eating, drinking, socializing), get distracted in the constant media of what everyone else is thinking and doing to “succeed”.  I want to challenge you on the real cost to your one amazing life when you  choose to settle, accomodate, conform, sacrifice instead of following what your heart tells you is true for your well-being. 

You give up compassion for who you are, the love you will experience,

and who you will become.

The #1 regret of the dying: “I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me”.  Read here for the other top 4 regrets.  When you believe you should be living by other people’s values, and ideals instead of creating your own unique experience for what is lovingly right for you, you miss out. Period. You end up following the crowd, and who knows where that leads when it doesn’t come from your own heart?

On the flip side, if you demand others to be who you need them to be to ‘make you happy’ instead of being open, and curiously loving about who they are that results in them becoming accomodating, settling, putting up with your imposed ideals – you take away their self-love (otherwise known as self-esteem), and ability to grow. Those who live from a place of self-love will choose to walk away from this negative energy to honour self-compassion over self-destruction.

How do you know it’s self-love and not ego (selfishness)?

Unconditional love feels connected to your peaceful, grounded, higher self where there is no fear. Ego separates you from your authentic self, and is a feeding ground for guilt, shame, unforgiveness, criticism, and judgment to thrive. You can FEEL the difference in your own energy. One flows positively, the other feels stuck in negativity.

The true test: your outer world will reflect the truth

that your inner world has created.

• Do you have lasting, authentic connections with people you can trust who also trust you?
• Do you experience unconditional love where there is no attachment to conditions you’ve imposed, and where other’s ideals are not followed out of obligation, expectation, or avoiding their hurt because their choices are not aligned with your truth?

Unless each person in a relationship has a loving space within being nurtured, there’s little room to give, or grow. You function together trying to meet each other’s expectations in a cycle of ‘the way it is‘ that will feel like a constant struggle. It may be a disconnected sense of harmony,  constant frustration you’ve gotten used to, or worse – true unhappiness you’ve settled for.

You have a gift, a spark, a fabulous essence within you. It’s up to you to find ways to cultivate it, not depend on others for it, but surround yourself with those who elevate who you are. It will expand more of YOU to give – to make a difference, and you will feel IT. That part of your soul that wants to come alive. This is what you get to share with someone who loves you for who you are not who they need you to be.

Outer experiences can bring us happiness – the nice home, family, career, clothes, food, sex, but underneath there is a longing for something deeper, authentic, meaningful with others: shared family experiences, a fulfilling career, meals you enjoy together, and sublime intimacy.

Would people who truly love you want you to settle, sacrifice, and put up with what doesn’t resonate with you so they can be happy? Doesn’t this sound more like the controlling ego?

Take a good look at what you may be settling on. You want to be in your relationships GIVING to others because you WANT to based on who someone IS to you, not simply to please them.  Notice if it feels like a ‘should’ or obligation instead of a true desire. Giving and receiving comes from the heart has no accompanying conditions being demanded by the other person.

What are you GIVING to your relationships? Am I giving or am I expecting back with my demands? When you give, there is no attachment to the outcome. If someone doesn’t want to receive your gift, you have a choice to make. Is this someone who sees, hears, and appreciates me for who I am, not who they need me to be?

What am I RECEIVING from my relationships? Am I willing, and able to receive what someone is authentically giving? Is your ego’s criticism, and judgment blocking you from receiving with your own feelings of self-righteousness, self-doubt, unworthiness, or thinking you don’t deserve it? Do you appreciate what someone is giving? Are you are putting up with or accommodating what someone is giving that you need to say NO to?

I will say “I’m not ok with_____ because________. Here’s what I value_____. What do you think?” This may lead to alot of conflict if you are on different pages, but now you know where you both stand, and you can make healthier choices for yourself.

Will you ever be saddened, frustrated, angry, irritated about how others behave? Absolutely. But these emotions belong to you not someone who’s done something to you. Your emotions tell you plenty about who you are, and what matters to you. Take responsibility for your emotions, and be curious about why you feel the way you do. Let go of trying to manage how someone feels because how they respond is out of your control, and their responsibility.

You can’t change anyone else’s way of seeing even if you tell them.

Each of us are on our own spiritual path of self-awareness, and when someone lives from their ego, they are literally blinded by it. They cannot see or hear you from this place. Think of it as a different world they are living in. They will blame you, deny, avoid, be unable to take responsibility because they cannot yet see themselves the way you are seeing them.

Instead of judgment, you’ll notice you have compassion, but it will not serve you to maintain a relationship with someone whose fears are projected towards you in blame, and self-righteousness. It is not about being right or wrong – it is recognizing the level of consciousness within you, and being able to discern where others can see, and hear.  It helps to remember:

“What you do speaks so loudly I cannot hear what you say.”

~Ralph Waldo Emerson

You will learn to let go of those who take you away from self-love, and attract those who bring you back to who you really are. Unconditional love becomes a reflection of the greatest parts of you, and you will see the Divine light in everyone from this place no matter where they live in their ego.

You will gain the capacity to be happy for someone, and send them your blessings instead of your judgment even when their choices do not work for you. Love changes from a place of ownership to an authentic space of freedom.

Follow your heart no matter what, listen to your own soul, plant seeds along the way for those who are lost. Surround yourself with those who resonate with your loving energy, while managing your own ego. Be this change, and you will discover that unconditional love really does exist, and you won’t have any regrets.