When you put time and energy into someone whether it’s in the form of positive intentions, gift giving, staying in touch or doing anything for someone you care about or want to please, but what you receive back isn’t what you expected, and avoiding disappointment seems challenging?
In our lives we create our experiences based on the values, and beliefs we hold. If someone or something is important to you, you will make an effort. A choice that belongs to you, but if you begin to impose your why, and how onto someone else, expect them to do things, and react to situations exactly the way you do, it will lead to anxiety and you need to know how to face that disappointment in the right way. They are not you. Yet this is what our ego tends to do: expect others to see, hear, and behave our right way.
“No one else has access to the world you carry around within yourself; you are its custodian and entrance. No one else can see the world the way you see it. No one else can feel your life the way you feel it.”
~ John O’Donohue
It is our ego that keeps us from avoiding disappointment because it’s created expectations of how others should behave – notice disappointment feels like a heavy weight within you that pulls you away from your sense of well being. It disconnects you from your true self. So give up all expectations of others? Yes! Let go of what you need others to be, say, or do to make you happy. Other people cannot make you happy. Happiness is based on your ideals, and what defines happiness within you.
The real question: who do you want to share YOU with? Life is too short to spend time and energy with people who drain you, and don’t give you the space to show up authentically where you can be your best self. Do you communicate your ideals effectively so the people you care about understand who you are, where you are coming from, what matters to you, and what you really mean? Do they care to listen?
Are you willing to listen and understand their ideals in the same way? Do you care? Our different ‘ways’ do not have to be the same – this is how we learn, and grow from each other, but when our values conflict, you must be willing to find a compromise founded on the intention of both wanting the other to be happy from within themselves. It starts with you “being the change you wish to see” knowing that..
“Nobody can hurt me without my permission.” ~Gandhi
You may believe you are hurting, disappointing, saddening or angering someone, but you don’t have the power to do this! You are the keeper of your own emotions based on what matters to you. How someone else responds is not within your control.
Pay Attention to Your Energy
Your higher self knows whether a connection with someone brings you up or brings you down. Pay attention to your energy – does it feel at peace, grounded, and joyful? You will feel genuinely sad or angry with someone when one of your values is being stepped on, and these emotions connect you back to your higher self, but the energy of guilt, accommodating, settling, putting up with, being needy to fill a hole in you is your ego keeping you stuck.
Choosing to listen to someone who complains regularly because their general outlook is ‘poor me‘ feels exhausting to anyone. This differs from choosing to give a friend space to vent periodically to help them clear their negative emotions. Be mindful of your intention for listening – is it guilt or is it giving?
When you simply anticipate or look forward to any moment without expecting it to be a certain way to make you happy knowing this feeling is based on your values that belong to you not someone else, you can surrender your expectations of others to allow life to be what it will be. Winning or losing becomes your genuine experience of joy or sadness, not a fear of success, or failure. Along the way there’s space to learn, and grow without the need to stress about ‘what if…’, worrying about the future or holding onto the past.
Take a friend who is regularly late, and you find yourself waiting for them. You value being respectful of someone ‘s time so choose to be on time regularly, or you may rarely run late keeping to a tight schedule. Your time management skills may be highly developed. Whatever the case, its simply not a priority for this friend to ever be on time.
Knowing this, do you hold resentment because they need to be like you, so feel annoyed, and stressed about what time makes sense for you to show up, and angry about having to wait? Or do you accept (not necessarily agree with) how your friend functions, and you can choose to arrive late to minimize your waiting time, or you arrive on time, and bring a great book because you value the friendship.
This friend’s life may be such that being on time is a real struggle for them. It doesn’t matter the reason: it’s about them not YOU. Do you accept (not necessarily agree) that this is who they are or will you be disappointed, angry, frustrated, or hurt? Is your anger really masking blaming for the choices they make in their life? Or is the anger a genuine feeling because of what you hold as value that is being stepped on within you (being late)?
Take Responsibility for Your Reactions
YOU taking responsibility for your reactions, and not imposing the underlying values onto others allows you to let go of having expectations of others. You can live in the present moment instead of feeling like you need to correct, convince, control, or try to change others to be your right way. This is where you begin the practice of living judgment-free.
When you let go of your expectations, and tap deeper into what’s true for you, what you will genuinely feel, and take responsibility for are your emotions that connect to your values. Disappointment is closely tied to blame (you are the cause my hurt), which separates you from yourself and others, keeping you stuck. Genuine sadness (value of missed friendship), anger (your value being stepped on), even loneliness (value of connection) brings you back to your true self when you allow these emotions to be felt, and you can move forward.
Bryon Katie says, “If I had a prayer, it would be this: ‘God spare me from the desire for love, approval, and appreciation. Amen’.” You no longer need to seek these desires from others because when you hold love, approval, and appreciation for yourself (live true to your own values), you can let go of all expectations, and simply be yourself where you will attract all the love, approval, and appreciation you need without expecting any of it : )
