It is very hard to recognize when we are blaming someone, but easy to recognize if you are the one being blamed! Why is that?
We naturally feel anger, and frustration when someone fails to say or do what we need or expect because we know what “rings our truth bells”. But when your sense of ‘right’ is being stepped on, how do you express your anger, hurt or disappointment?
Are you calling someone a name or complaining about that ‘idiot’? Do you attack with accusations of who you think they are? Do you give the silent treatment holding resentment against someone for how they are choosing to be? You are needing to ‘be right’, and you are blaming.
Blaming separates you from others. It shuts down meaningful conversation. Taking responsibility of the contrast you are feeling for what doesn’t resonate with you brings you closer to your authentic self. It’s the anger, hurt, and disappointment that belongs to you, and no one else that pushes you to stand up for what you believe to live true to yourself. You just can’t project it onto someone else.
It’s easy to recognize when someone is blaming you because it feels like someone ‘doesn’t get me’ along with a pressure being imposed to change you with their “you should_____ or you need to _______” where their energy feels controlling, or condemning. Not to mention the yelling! Someone is trying to convince us of something we don’t feel, see or perhaps understand. They may try to correct your choices with what they think is right – giving you all that unwanted advice!
We get so attached to being right that we cannot see beyond to the realization that every conflict is simply your way of seeing being different from my way of seeing. Blaming makes it someone’s fault for how you feel. It demands an apology believing someone caused your emotions, which arises because of who you are, and has nothing to do with how someone else decides to choose.
What’s a True Apology?
A true apology happens when you take responsibility for your thinking or actions because you believe you’ve done something wrong not what someone else believes was wrong (you don’t agree with), and they felt hurt! You may feel bad or ‘sorry’ that someone else is hurting because of what you choose, and feel compassion, but this is different from a sincere apology for your own misdoing that you want to learn, and grow from.
Here’s the tricky part. You not only have to deal with others who may be blaming you, but they may be blaming themselves. They can’t hear you because all they need is your apology to confirm they are right. They want you to say “you are a good person” because inside they do not feel “good enough”.
The ego has 2 sides when it blames. There’s an insecurity seeking approval that can appear ‘childlike’ having a tantrum, alongside an aggressive self-righteousness that can appear confident, and will be attacking. It’s the “I don’t need to listen to you! Who do you think you are?” with an underlying sense of despair for someone to rescue them from their own self-pity, and “poor me” victim mentality they cannot see.
If you get confronted with someone’s ego, what is your first response? To run the other way! You will shut down, and stop sharing unless you are willing to face a battle. That battle may be worth fighting depending on who it is, and whether you feel they are ready to ‘hear your truth‘, (not necessarily agree), and whether you are ready to hear theirs. An opportunity for both sides to grow can now play out.
Getting to the heart of any issue requires putting our self-righteous ego aside to not only get curious about what you are hearing, but noticing your own reaction. How might your own energy be pushing someone into defensiveness or silence, and keeping you both in despair, resentment or rage because now both of you are coming from your destructive egos?
To manage your ego, take a hard look at the experiences you truly want, and look to those who model that. If you are having regular conflicts with many different people, or those you care about are walking away, chances are it’s your ego that is creating it, and you are likely blaming others.
Check in with: Am I showing up from a place of love (compassion, empathy, curiosity, and understanding) or fear (condemning, controlling, convincing, or correcting) when things don’t go my way?
Blame sounds like this:
• “how can you think that way?” (something’s wrong with you) instead of why are you thinking that way? (curiosity)
• “I don’t need to know what you think” (unable or not willing to listen) “because this is what I think, and I know I’m right” (self-righteousness)
• “You didn’t cause me any pain and I’m good”, but their anger, running away, shutting down, inability to listen, and defensiveness indicates blame (they are in denial)
• “I’m not as good as you are” or “you don’t accept me as I am!” (inability to show ‘weaknesses’ while going into the ‘child-like’ place of self-pity, and victimhood)
When someone is blaming, there’s no space for authenticity. You will hit a wall. A shift has to happen away from blame to even get over to curiosity, and seeking to understand.
Deep down blame stems from not feeling ‘good enough’ or ‘loved’, and seeking love outside of ourselves. We are missing a strong sense of self-love. It’s someone’s fault for not loving us now. We take it personally. It’s always them (blame), and never you because of x, y, and z. This is why we suffer, and get into drama.
Pay close attention to your own energy whenever you are in conflict because once you can recognize when you are blaming, it’s the first step to not reacting if someone is blaming you, or trying to be authentic with you to create that non-judgmental safe space for deeper connection.
Listen carefully in any conflict for their perspective, and ask:
• Where are they coming from?
• Why do they feel that way?
• What is going on inside of them that may be creating this reaction?
And do the same for you:
• Where am I coming from?
• Why do I feel this way?
• What is going on inside of me that I value that is creating my reaction?
Conclusion
Taking responsibility for any blame you are holding within you, or sending out will give you the freedom to BE YOU, and grow in ways that will surprise you : ) Once blaming is no longer part of your experience – infinite possibilities show up you had previously been blocking : )
Please share, question or comment below anything that resonated for you. I value all your experiences on this journey of living judgment-free!
