I was at Starbucks the other day, and couldn’t help overhearing a conversation between 2 young lovers having a heated conversation sitting just a few feet away. The woman was trying to tell the guy why she ‘needed some space to think about things’. The guy was not happy asking in an angry tone “what happened? can you hear me?
It’s fine for 6 months, and the last 2 days it’s no longer fun? What’s going on?” In his frustration he communicated there was something wrong with her, and he needed an answer now.
She tried to explain how the little things were HUGE for her. I could sense her trying to be playful mixed with the discomfort of attempting to ease the blow. I could also tell he wasn’t listening.
There was a complete disconnection between these 2 people, and I wanted to jump in and say “you are not hearing each other! Do you care about each other? Are you willing you take a moment, and express what you’re really feeling?”
Do You Hear Me?
Here’s how you can do this. If you start with “when I hear you say ________ or I watch you do ________ , I feel ________, and what I want you to understand is ________ because _________ is what matters to me.” Then wait for a response and listen to see what was heard.
You could ask “Do you see what I’m saying? Do you hear me? Please tell me what you just heard.” I’d get each one to be silent when the other was talking focusing their attention on “what is this person wanting me to understand?” not “here’s what your problem is _______”.
I think about the difficult conversations I’ve had with my husband, my children, friends, and family where we are not hearing each other, and how I’ve had to slow down, notice my emotions taking over, pay attention to the words, and tone I’m using.
When a discussion is escalating nowhere fast – both of us are often coming from our ego’s fear of needing to be understood and we’re unable to listen to what’s happening in someone else’s different world.
If I’m needing to convince, or control someone, I’m attached to them getting me, instead of me understanding where are they coming from first. I can’t acknowledging their hurt, anger or frustration because I don’t get why. Once they feel understood, there’s more space to share my truth.
Here’s the tricky part I’ve been learning the hard way: there can be a gap not just in how we communicate, but what is able to be heard from someone else’s experience without judgment, or criticism showing up on the other side. If someone’s response is going to be attacking you with insults, rage, defensiveness, contempt, or taking you personally, does it make sense to even share your truth?
What good would come of it?
Sometimes there’s no place for what you see to land safely because there’s a lack of capacity to not react poorly. Compassion, understanding and patience is no where to be found. At this point, you choose: is it healthy for my own well-being to push through the rising conflict?
There’s only a possibility for you to grow together if you can both get safely to the other side.
If you try to engage with someone’s ego that is condemning you, no matter how you show up, nothing will get resolved. If your ego shows up to protect you in defensiveness, the conflict will escalate further into drama.
Think of it as meeting someone by matching their “vibe of self-love”. You can adjust yours with them, but you can’t change theirs to meet you because only they have control of the love they feel within themselves. Only they know what they know. Giving them more than they can receive can backfire because you will have expectations based on what you give. And, that doesn’t match how they see themselves so they will push you away.
“LOVE IS THE ABSENCE OF JUDGMENT”
~Dalai Lama
This revelation was both the most painful, and most enlightening realization. Giving unconditional love to someone may not be available when they cannot give it to themselves. Sometimes walking away, or not sharing everything is the compassionate approach. With children who don’t know how to express their emotions appropriately, all they need is to be seen. And acknowledged “I can see that this is hard for you, did you want to share what’s upsetting you? I’m going to give you some space.”
If you punish children – get angry at them instead of giving them appropriate consequences to teach them correctly. Their egos will also push back into tantrums, shutting down, and you’ll miss the opportunity to connect authentically.
Here’s what I practice in those difficult conversations as a wife, friend, mom, and as a coach..
1) Am I being critical with generalizations that make someone feel wrong where I am blaming “you always, you never…why are you so…you don’t care about me”
2) Am I being judgmental with “how could you think…”in a sarcastic manner, or holding condemning thoughts eg. you must be stupid, disgusting, selfish, incompetent.
3) Am I being defensive with “I did this because you ___.” when I don’t agree with that way in the first place, or “Yes, BUT you ___” instead of focusing on what’s not working for me, and listening to what’s not working for them. Do I accept that what someone is saying, thinking or doing is their perception, and I’m not making up stories about them based on what I don’t like?
4) Am I stone-walling with avoidance, changing the subject or giving the silent treatment with an intention of disapproval to make the other person feel wrong so they will agree with me?
Relationship expert John Gottman called these the 4 horseman: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stone-walling that will end a relationship. Contempt (‘judgment’ that condemns) was the #1 predictor that will end a marriage.
Here’s what I practice being mindful of when I wanted to the other person to hear me and discussions get tough:
• Am I acknowledging what someone else is saying so they understand that I see, and understand what they are saying? I may not necessarily agree, and that’s ok.
• Am I listening for whether their reaction is ‘ready’ (they are not reacting with hostility, judgment, blame or defensiveness) to hear what my own truth is? Sometimes they are not ‘ready’ or don’t want to know.
• Am I remembering to appreciate this person’s good intentions, and qualities so I can stay in the energy of being objective, curious, and understanding to their viewpoint based on their experience (which is different from mine)?
• Am I taking responsibility for the way I am choosing to show up?
• Am I asking what can I learn from this?
I can hear everyone in my life much better now, including how I sound to others by paying attention to how they respond to what I’m saying, and self-managing my own ego. My connections are stronger, more open with a profound trust, and depth where we can share anything. With each person you get to grow, and be yourself. There’s a freedom here like no other. Not everyone is ready to be with “what is” in their own life, but when you are ready to be brutally honest with yourself, and what matters to you – you give others permission to do the same.
What are you not hearing, and what will you practice?
My first gathering of Living Authentically is meeting next month here – please join us. I look forward to connecting!
