[Note to readers: Just over a week ago, I was a guest speaker at a fundraiser book launch headed up by my dear friend Binu (far left) called “Living True to Yourself”.  5 of us (below) shared our experiences – it was a magical evening filled with laugher, authenticity, and even some tears. Here’s the summary I promised I would share.]

“Be who you are say what you feel because those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind.” ~Dr. Seuss

Renowned children’s book author, Theodor Seuss Geisel better known as”Dr. Seuss”  was not actually a doctor (prefix was his humorous way to lend credibility to his work). He did not have children, began as a cartoonist, and inspired to write to help children’s literacy. He was shy, had a fear of public speaking, and his first wife committed suicide. How well do you truly know someone? Do you have the space to share who you are? Do they feel seen and heard in a society?

I was the little girl who never raised her hand in class, and whose report cards year after year said “Carolyn needs to participate more in class.” What was I afraid of? Having the wrong answer. My parents being physicians placed a heavy focus on education particularly the maths and sciences : )

Growing up, I would hear “how can you not know that?” Knowledge (as opposed to wisdom gained from experience) was expected to be understood quickly, and easily. My inner critic (ego) would say “what’s wrong with you? You should know that!” My inner judge (more ego) would say “you must be stupid.” I was terrified of being wrong.

I was most curious about understanding people, enjoyed writing, and wanted to help solve problems in relationships. Instead I followed what seemed sensible, and became a Chartered Accountant. Sooo not me! My husband on the other hand enjoys working with numbers, and as a financial executive has an outlet for his drive to overcome obstacles, and get results in the corporate environment. We are all uniquely gifted with different needs, and desires. There is no one right way.

Today I recognize my inner critic/judge comes from fear, not my heart where there’s a self-love filled with compassion, understanding, and my “truth”. There’s kindness, and respect towards myself where I feel whole. It’s where I can be who I am, and say what I feel. It’s a freedom like no other that you discover as you begin to let go of your inner critic/judge (ego), and begin to tap into your authentic voice.

Sometimes in the early mornings, I feel a vibration in my hands, and abdomen when I’m speaking what’s true for me. Insights (“in-spirit-ation”) flows in that I recognize as an inner resonance with my own spirit. It starts with trusting your intuition instead of worrying what “your everyone” says you should think.

You manage 4 different kinds of energy: physical, mental, emotional, and at the centre of your being: spiritual energy (love, truth, and goodness).

You are responsible, and have control over the energy you hold, and send out to others. When someone is arrogant or complains it’s coming from their ego, and known as the “victim mentality”. “My life sucks” (poor me) or what seems like the opposite “I expect, or demand you follow my way” (superiority/self-righteousness).  You believe someone is causing your pain (blame), or you need others to know how extraordinary you are (the “exaggerators”, and “all about me” types).  It’s a way for the ego to have validation as the ‘victim‘ or ‘hero‘ because underneath lies a hidden fear: I am not ______ enough (good, smart, funny, thin etc.). This energy is low, draining, and separates you from your true self.

When you feel sorry for someone who’s in this space, it’s disempowering. It’s the pity party that will drain you both, and often pulls you into complaining about your own life. You end up inviting someone to share in a destructive energy that keeps you stuck, and leads to gossip, taking things personally, and drama.

On the contrary, when you are connected to your true self, any difficulty or struggle you face will bring up your authentic emotions, which requires courage to be vulnerable to what you’re really feeling. It will reveal what’s buried underneath any despair, blaming, and complaining. It may be sadness, anger, loneliness, or a feeling of not being loved or good enough – emotions that are difficult to be with, but reflects our true essence.

When you allow yourself to be with emotions of your heart without any judgment (making yourself wrong), you will re-connect back to your true self in a way that allows you to grow, and move forward positively. We can unknowingly avoid this place within, but these become the growing pains that are our blessings in disguise. When you share with someone whose intentions you can trust (no ego), you will grow together, and feel a deeper connection. It is a bumpy ride, but the only way to evolve, learn, and grow into who you are meant to become.

Why is it so hard to live true to yourself? In a nutshell: fear of other people’s reaction. We don’t want to hurt, anger, sadden, or offend someone. The wall comes up, and the mask goes on. We hold onto a myth that keeps us stuck: I am causing other people’s hurt, frustration, disappointment, or despair.

How anyone reacts is based on who they are, which stems from their values, perspective, upbringing – living from their state of consciousness. You don’t have power over who someone is (how they choose to react) – thank goodness!! You only have the power to change how you respond, and the choices you make.

To stand in your own truth, and self-manage your inner critic/judge (ego) requires a paradigm shift. Remember the cartoon of the angel/devil on your shoulder telling you what you should do? We believe there’s a good guy and bad guy, right person and wrong person, better one and worse one. What if this thinking wasn’t true?

Notice that both sides of ‘right and wrong’ when they are imposed come from fear. Your inner critic finds fault and ends up correcting and convincing someone with your ‘right way’. Your inner judge stands in a place of superiority looking down on someone with contempt, and will try to control or change someone to follow your ‘right way’.

Your true voice, the light of who you are comes from love (the Divine Spark within all of us) that’s not only connected to the higher Universal Consciousness (God, the Divine, whatever you want to call it), it is the energetic spiritual force that connects us all. You can choose to live from a spiritual place of love or fear and transcend the place of right or wrong.

Am I criticizing or judging (making someone wrong with my energy)?

There are 4 ways energy is held in the space between 2 “people” (including you with your self!) that will break down your ability to be authentic, and render a connection on some level ‘superficial’ or what I call ‘surface dwelling’ because there’s a fear (lack of trust) that the ego’s inner critic or judgmental voice will condemn you.

Guilt stems from self-judgment. Unforgiveness comes from holding judgment against someone. Both hold an energy of resentment, disgust or anger that becomes a spiritual poison within you.These tie in to the top 4 ways that end a marriage described by relationship expert John Gottman as the “Four Horsemen” – click here for a summary.

1) The Energy of Judgment (Contempt)

Imagine you are at an event, and a woman (or man) walks in, dressed horribly in your opinion. She is loud, and obnoxious in your perspective with an annoying accent. You immediately feel bothered, and think “who invited her? She shouldn’t be here!” Within you is an energy of contempt towards this person – looking down from a superior place of “I’m better”. Their attire, and manner of speaking has you judging her as less worthy, worse or inferior to you. This is what it feels like to judge someone.

2) The Energy of Criticism (Finding Fault)

Criticism would have you notice this woman’s attire was poorly designed, perhaps doesn’t fit properly leading you to hold an energy of “they should know how to dress properly – what’s wrong with them?” There’s an energy of blaming this person for being a ‘bad dresser’. You don’t necessarily see the person as inferior to you so the destructive energy is not as strong as the contempt you feel with judgment, but instead point out their perceived faults.

3) The Energy of Defensiveness (Reacting back from a perceived attack where you’re the victim)

If this woman approaches you after you were being judgmental, and critical towards her in your thoughts, and feeling your energy she says angrily “why are you looking at me like that?” You may react defensively raising your voice with “who do you think you are?” instead of taking responsibility for the energy you were holding against her.

4) The Energy of Stone-walling (Harbouring Resentment)

If you are criticizing, or judging this person, but say nothing, your energy of disapproval will be noticeable in the ‘stoney silent treatment’. The other person will feel this energy as you pulling away, or being distant in a way that is not ‘neutral’.

What if you honestly believe someone is dressed horribly? This is your true opinion based on your ideals. It happens to be negative, and you are entitled to your own perspective of anything – positive or negative. What’s unhealthy for your relationships is imposing your ‘negative  ideals’ onto others with any of the above 4 energies of making someone wrong because others are similarly entitled to follow their values.

“Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You.” 
~Dr. Seuss

Projecting your ideals onto someone is destructive to your relationships because on a deeper level we are all connected, and no one can ever walk in anyone’s shoes to truly understand from their birth to who they have become that gives you the right to judge them as ‘being wrong‘. That is their spiritual path, and their lessons to learn unless they are asking for your honest opinion (seeking help) which would be constructive feedback.

You can certainly condemn the choices others make that don’t work for you, and stand up for what you believe in, but who they are is a human being just like you trying to find their way. What they need is compassion not judgment, and often a way to heal with consequences that teach them how to take responsibility as opposed to being punished.

There will be times when some things are better left unsaid because someone is not ready to receive your truth without their ego showing up. Or he/she is not willing to be seen or heard. Your ego will tend to show up in response to another ego, which creates conflict, drama, and unnecessary suffering (egos love battling it out), and you’ll want to consider creating a healthy distance away from their ego. Many love drama, which can be “addictively entertaining”, but doesn’t allow for growth : )

11 Ways to Practice letting go of criticism and judgment:

1. Be in the curious state – ask questions about their choices
2. Seek to understand someone’s different perspective with an open mind
3. Let go of any negative assumptions
4. Speak up for your ideals by staying true to your values, instead of telling someone what they should think
5. Teach from a place of compassion in baby steps (plant seeds)
6. Be in gratitude for those who are difficult because they teach you a valuable part of yourself
7. See everyone as living from their ‘best’ level of awareness even if its clearly destructive
8. Slow down, breathe, and connect with your inner wise voice that comes from self-love
9. Allow yourself to feel sad, angry, hurt or any of your negative authentic emotions if your values are being stepped without projecting your feelings onto others in blame
10. Allow others the space to agree or disagree (be real) with you
11. Listen into someone else’s shoes to hear what they are saying

The biggest regret of the dying: “I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.” Have the courage to allow some people not to like you, conflict with you, possibly even hate you where following your true voice without worrying about not being seen or heard becomes stronger than your fear of how others react.

How will you practice living true to yourself today? I would love to hear your comments below.