Do you believe in unconditional love? There seems to be a widespread acceptance that love in our relationships will inevitably become “I need to say and do ______ to meet someone’s expectations, not irritate, sadden, hurt, disappoint, or anger someone”. And vice versa…“you should be, need to be, must be ______ or I won’t be happy.” Essentially there’s a belief all relationships require sacrificing, putting up with, accommodating to “work”.
“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.”
~Rumi
What begins to happen is most of us avoid choosing the experience of loving unconditionally because it’s easier, and less painful to give up who we are to stay safe, avoid conflict, hurt, disappointment, anger to please someone else. But facing what’s REAL for you (including the pain) is exactly what’s needed to grow together.
So what is love without conditions, and how can you have it flow in your relationships? It’s inevitable you will have differences. You are different people! Everyone of us has a unique signature to share. Beyond your differences is something deeper – your soul seeking reflection to be seen and heard for who you really are.
[typography font=”Cantarell” size=”28″ size_format=”px”]Who is that, and how can you BE YOU with the people you love? [/typography]
There are barriers we put up unknowingly that lead to the experience of conditional love that is more rooted in fear (ego). Here’s a great summary Love Versus Fear to recognize the difference.
How do you distinguish between the loving energy within you that holds your own truth, and where your ego has created a barrier pushing you away from experiencing what is the most beautiful, exquisite experience you can imagine: unconditional love. It applies to any relationship: partners, parent-child, siblings, friends, even colleagues, and work mates.
Have you tasted the freedom with those you can just be yourself with completely, and still be loved?
You’ve heard it before – show unconditional love to yourself. Let go of beating yourself up with your inner critic, and self-judging voice, and have compassion, understanding, and a genuine caring towards YOU. This is the biggest barrier – you getting out of your own way. Sounds simple to love yourself, but I assure you it is not.
You choose your thoughts. You can either be critical, and judgmental or loving – it’s a powerful CHOICE you make every day. It’s easy to justify criticism, and judgment, and call it loving. Notice the destructive energy, and emotion you hold when you make someone WRONG with your ideals – blame, find fault, be defensive, feel guilty – it’s not loving energy.
When you condemn others you condemn yourself. When you condemn yourself, you put up a barrier to the love within.
Self-love requires following your heart even when loved ones are not on board. It means trusting your truth when it can feel selfish, but where it is really self-care. It demands doing what works for your well-being at the cost of hurting, saddening, angering, or disappointing someone because standing in your truth gives you the power to live authentically. It also gives others permission to show up, and will inform you of whether to stay, distance yourself, or walk away completely.
The real “work” in relationships is co-creating a trusting space to provide a sacred place to grow into your highest being together through the ups and downs you share instead of following the status quo to maintain a surface harmony. Our greatest struggle: listening to your loving wise inner voice, and distinguishing it from your ego’s fearful voice so you can trust the correct one back towards love.
Your authentic voice is affected by your unique ‘inner committee’ conditioned by your family, culture, friends, work, “religion”, books, media – you choose to listen to – telling you what you should think, do, believe. Separating your voice from these voices is the first step to decide what beliefs to keep, and what to toss.
One of mine growing up was ‘don’t waste your time’, which was tied to a value of “productivity means success”. Getting things done was highly rewarded. It had me multi-tasking, and in busyness DOING instead of finding my own pace, my own values, where I could focus, and be present in my relationships.
Are you willing to walk through whatever discomfort shows up when you begin to follow YOUR authentic voice to honour your highest well-being? It will connect you to the Divine fragment that is LOVE that exists in all of us (some call it the Universe or God) that your intuition recognizes you don’t have to seek from anyone else or any material reward.
Loving energy feels grounded, good, and truthful for YOU. It is BEING YOU connected to your light within, and what gives you passion, purpose, and ALIVENESS to share with others. Love comes back to you abundantly when you have it to give. You cannot give what you do not have within.
The real barrier to experiencing unconditional love is the criticism and judgment you hold towards yourself, and others that shows up when differences arise.
How do you react to any conflict that appears due to your differences? Are you coming from your higher self or your ego when you fight or feel a disconnect with someone?
How does the person in relationship with you respond when there are differences?
Understanding, curiosity, compassion is your higher self.
Condemning, blaming, finding fault is your ego.
Notice your energy. Is it constructive or destructive? You don’t have to be happy about it. You can be sad, angry, frustrated – these are your real emotions to own, but projecting your anger onto someone else in contempt, blame, or the stony silence of resentment escalates the conflict, and creates separation. Accomodating, and “putting up with” keeps your truth hidden for the next time where it can feel even more painful unless you’ve numbed out with distractions.
Imagine a space where NO ONE GETS TO BE WRONG. What’s possible here? A whole lot of authentic connection. It does get messy, and difficult, but the growing pains will give you strength to create what you truly want.
You each need to earn the right to share what’s vulnerable by showing up in your higher self. It creates a safe space. If one side lives from their ego, the conflict cannot move forward. When you become this change for someone, you open up the space for them to follow.
Sharing your genuine experiences through your eyes needs a loving, understanding, open space to land on BOTH sides. It does not mean you will necessarily agree, but are willing to see and hear each other.
Do you recognize your ego’s energy of criticism, and judgment (making each other wrong) when differences show up? Here’s how:
Do you criticize (find fault) with correcting someone by pointing out that they should _______ as if they are broken needing your fixing instead of whole needing your teaching?
Do you convince others why your ‘right’ way needs be accepted feeling disappointed, hurt, and angry when the someone doesn’t agree with you?
Do you blame or condemn with your judgment by controlling or trying to change someone to meet your right conditions?
Do you avoid situations out of defensiveness from your own anger, and self-righteousness (instead of seeking understanding of where someone is coming from)?
Do you give the silent treatment where you stone-wall the other person preventing any dialogue from taking place, and hold onto resentment?
Do you live in the victim ‘poor me’ mentality with self-criticism, or self-judgment feeling not good enough or worthy? Your ego says “Why is this person with me? I don’t deserve him/her – they are going to leave me (fear). “My child/co-worker/parent should listen to me – I don’t deserve this treatment after everything I’ve done for them”. Do you behave in a way where others are made to feel guilty?
You may have reached indifference where you’ve grown so accustomed to each other having both given up parts of yourself (accommodating) to meet the other’s expectations that your relationships feel stagnant or on the surface with little depth, meaning or fulfillment. Any ALIVENESS and PASSION may feel missing that was once there because you’ve stopped growing, and living true to your self.
A few strategies on how to speak to those you are in conflict with to not make them wrong:
1) Avoid ‘you should’, ‘you never’, ‘you always’
2) Avoid beginning with You in general. Use I statements to share how YOU are feeling instead of telling the other person what’s wrong about what they are doing. “I feel sad, frustrated, angry when I hear you say or do…”, “Here’s what is not working for me….how do you see it?”
3) Be curious like a child about the other person’s different way. WHY are they reacting that way? ASK about it from a place of total wonder.
4) Give space to listen, and ask for space to be heard.
You will uncover how you see the world, and how someone else does, and can now work through together how to best be with your differences.
When your ego requires your right conditions be imposed on someone else for you to be happy (others are meeting your expectations to avoid your disappointment, hurt, anger) or you accomodate, sacrifice, conform, put up with what doesn’t work for you to make someone else happy, the opportunity to learn and grow with each other disappears. There’s a sense of being trapped, stuck, or going in circles. Love becomes based on the conditions of right you hold against someone making them wrong.
The honeymoon period initially where you are willing to please the other feels like no cost at the time, but eventually is not sustainable because unless it includes living true to yourself – you will feel suffocated wearing a mask.
Once you remove this energy from your relationships, a space opens up for you to be REAL where you have the courage to be vulnerable, to hear ANYTHING being said (positive and negative) that allows both sides to grow.
Some things are better left unsaid, when the ego is unable to receive it in a constructive way, and it’s up to you to have the self-love to honour your own truth with those you can share it with, and maintain a degree of privacy with those you cannot so you can grow into who you were meant to become.
True Unconditional love allows you trust that each of us must follow our own spiritual path back to love, and away from our ego holding the intention for each other’s highest good.
There is a state of consciousness you are living in right now. It can be witnessed by the experiences you are having. Does it feel like you are moving against life in a constant struggle instead of flowing with life that includes ups and downs you are learning, and growing from? Is there a part of you that feels empty, or longing for something you can’t put your finger on?
Next week: Part 2 of De-mystifying Unconditional Love: avoiding the #1 Regret of the Dying: Not Living True to Your Self.
