As a teenager immersed in the forbidden love story of “The Thorn Birds”, I wondered, “do you have to experience pain to be truly happy”? I assumed people experiencing life issues were creating their own pain, and drama because they didn’t have the correct solutions.
BELIEVE IT
“The best is only bought at the cost of great pain..or so says the legend”.
~Colleen McCullough, The Thorn Birds
Growing up in an unusually stable environment where self esteem, professional degrees, and getting results ranked high, I didn’t know what was beyond “harmony” where life wasn’t just about fixing problems, and accomplishing things though they gave me a certain degree of happiness.
There was so much suffering, and drama in the world, and something in this legend seemed to hold a truth…
“The bird with the thorn in its breast follows an immutable law; it is driven by it knows not what to impale itself, and die singing…one superlative song, existence the price. But we, when we put the thorns in our breasts, we know. We understand. And still we do it.”
I began letting go of my social conditioning, took a hiatus from the media, followed my passion for writing, and understanding people, and eventually left a stable profession. I found myself the target of criticism, and judgment that tragically ended a few long-time friendships. It turned out to be my greatest gift. I claimed my life, found my purpose, transformed my relationships, became a coach, and author loving what I do.
I stepped into discomfort, and questioned what I believed was right. I switched focus from everything I thought was supposed to make me happy in my outer world, and listened to my inner voice, paid attention to my experiences, and the Truth found me.
We are human beings, spiritual at our core – capable of experiencing sheer bliss, living on purpose, and love so exquisite it hurts. I finally understood the paradox that exists in everything – how pain and pleasure are magically intertwined to shift us forward.
I couldn’t see how criticism, and judgment was feeding into who I thought I should be and do. There are 2 faces of judgment – one stems from our ego (fear), and is the culprit responsible for much of the suffering, and drama we create, the other is our higher self (love) seeking to discern truth for our ultimate happiness. Beyond our ego/soul mind is Universal Spirit that is Truth, Peace, and All Knowing that we can reach in solitude.
Our higher self may judge someone as untrustworthy. But go deeper, and we’re really discerning whether you trust someone’s words or actions will not hurt you for who they choose to be in the world. What do you experience as loving, and unloving, positive, and negative, constructive, and destructive?
Our ego can take our judgment, (really discernment), attach to it being right, and project destructive energy to condemn someone to be wrong. This is the energy of self-righteousness, and what we mean by being judgmental. You can FEEL when you want someone else to suffer, when you feel entitled to an apology, when you condemn. What you give comes back tenfold.
Be not judges of others, and you will not be judged: do not give punishment to others, and you will not get punishment yourselves: make others free, and you will be made free, Give, and it will be given to you.” ~Luke 6:37
When we criticize, and judge others, we create our own suffering,
and prevent ourselves from experiencing the love we deserve.
It doesn’t mean we do nothing, that we don’t take full responsibility for any destructive impact we create with our choice of words or actions. No one wants constructive criticism, what we may need, but may not be ready to hear is constructive feedback, not projections or well-meaning advice.
Both positive and negative feedback can be helpful for our growth, but who wants to be criticized, or judged? It breaks the Universal Golden Rule of Compassion that we treat others the way you want to be treated.
Giving constructive feedback sees everyone as a human being doing their best in any given moment. Receiving valuable feedback requires you not take what anyone says personally.
Surrendering judgment transcends your ego so you can experience the freedom to be seen and heard for who you are. We strive to experience love unconditionally – an eternal love that dances back and forth connecting you to your Self, Others, and to the Divine.
BE IT
Do you have people in your life you can be yourself with? I mean really BE YOURSELF. Bare your soul. Be vulnerable. Play full out. Share your truth. The dreams you left behind. Your deepest darkest secrets…
The freedom to BE YOU is enlightening, and sadly lacking in most relationships.
Our inner critic makes us wrong with “I should be more careful” (as opposed to “I will choose to pay better attention next time”). Self-judgment is stronger “I am so stupid – why did I say that?” The condemning energy has a higher intensity. Think “pissed off” versus “self-loathing”. Judgment is hierarchical – you see someone as less, unworthy, worse.
Steps to BEING YOU:
1. Let go of making yourself or others wrong – are you doing any of my 4 C’s of judgment? Correcting, Convincing, Controlling or trying to Change someone? Notice the difficult energy when you are in this space, and shift to understanding, modelling, teaching with compassion, and love instead of fear.
2. Be willing to be vulnerable with yourself, and others. Say I love you first. Allow yourself to make mistakes. The more open and authentic you allow yourself to be, the more you invite others to be true to themselves.
3. Practice living in the present with what is, not struggle to create what it should be, would be, or could be – this avoids blaming, and complaining, and fosters taking responsibility for your choices. Let go of your expectations of others for how they should be according to your right way – this sets yourself up for disappointment, and frustration.
4. Notice the energy of those on a similar path of self-awareness with love as their foundation not the fear of their ego. One will energize you, the other drains you. Choose wisely whose energy you choose to surround yourself with, and careful what you choose to share with those living from ego. They will project their fears, and you may need to walk away. You are only responsibility for the energy you bring.
5. Notice the ego’s emotions: judgment, hatred, guilt, jealousy, resentment, criticism, or blame. Shift to curiosity, and seek to understand. Identify your values, and practice compassion that sees everyone being their ‘best version’ of themselves, which is all we can ever be from our state of consciousness.
6. Recognize the difference between the false emotions of resentment, blame fostering drama (ego) versus genuine emotions of sadness, loneliness, and growing pains. One feels disconnected from who you are, the latter in alignment with your higher self.
7. Avoid comparing, and competing with others, just notice where you are now, and claim what you deeper desire by standing up for what you believe in. Walk your talk, and share with those you discern can handle your truth without projecting their fears of criticism, and judgment onto you.
What others believe is none of your business,
unless you value, and trust their opinion. Be willing to listen openly, but with skepticism and discern what you hear against your experience of truth.
When you give yourself permission to be with the potential conflict of not meeting other’s expectations or fearing disappointment by standing up for what truly brings you love, you give yourself the opportunity to learn, grow, and ultimately be happier as you are BEING YOU unconditionally.
Imagine. A Judgment Free World
