Inculcating High Self Esteem Among Children

A couple years ago, my 3 children arrived home and told me someone had written in black marker on the girl’s bathroom stall door: “F*#^  You  _____ Hidalgo. I wish you were never born.”  My 10 year old twin daughter –  a sweet, giving, and just plain good-natured soul was targeted. Who could ever feel this way towards her?

Her teacher was in total disbelief. My friends got teary eyed hearing what happened knowing my child’s disposition, and of course, I was a mess. Distraught. Fearful for my daughter’s safety wondering what to do. She was now subjected firsthand to the suffering that really goes on in the world at her own school in an upscale, beautiful neighbourhood. It felt too early to experience this level of hatred.

Surprisingly what I noticed was although my daughter felt sad, and didn’t like being talked about, she wasn’t really affected by it. She didn’t feel bullied or scared. I’d taught my children from a young age that if someone is mean to them, just let them know what you are not ok with by saying “when you say or do  ________, it hurts my feelings or makes me sad”. I explained to them a lot of the way children behave comes from their upbringing, and they may not come from a similar loving environment. Sometimes others simply don’t know any different, which doesn’t allow them children to have a high self esteem.

I told them being mean isn’t ok, but that sometimes that is their version of ‘best‘. I explained that what someone does speaks louder than what they say.  Ask yourself would I ever treat someone that way? Choose your friends based on the way you want to be treated. How someone behaves tells a lot about what’s ok for them, and if the next day they seem nice…can you really trust they will be consistent? Do they apologize, and take responsibility when you communicate your disagreement? Not just say sorry, but feel remorseful with a desire to treat others similar to the way you do?

My daughter saw everyone as nice – she sees the world through her own eyes – not as it is, but how she is. We all do. It was difficult for her to understand that character is different from the way someone treats her on a given day. She would share some of the ways girls would behave (sometimes just plain mean!), but she described it not from a place of anger, blame or even hurt. She was more confused, trying to understand why.

I taught my 3 children that we all have different values, and if you get the cold shoulder, or anger when you speak up for what’s not ok with you, you need to walk away or distance yourself. It doesn’t mean you are not kind, or respectful to everyone, but you get to choose your friends, and don’t have to be friends with everyone.

I had an intuition of who could have written those words on the bathroom stall. A neighbourhood girl who had known my daughters since kindergarten was showing signs of jealousy, competitiveness, and controlling behaviour over the years that was creating inappropriate angry reactions, and a lack of empathy all indicating low self-esteem.

I noticed  this girl was unable to be happy if my daughter turned out to be ‘better’ in any subject (even though academically she far exceeded my daughter!) yet my daughter was naturally happy for her friends when they succeeded. I worried about this girl, and the harm she was doing to herself – the friendships I noticed she was beginning to lose. How will she grow up if she doesn’t learn to have compassion? I could see her ego at only 10 years old – that she was already living in fear not love.

I approached her parents who were neighbourhood friends with the intention to share what I noticed out of genuine concern for their daughter. They had a different way of seeing the world, and I was met with anger, blame, and the cold shoulder.  Apparently being competitive, reacting in anger, and controlling was ok for their daughter. Nothing I shared surprised them, and they had no issue with her behaviour. Suddenly it all made sense. The apple does not fall far from the tree. I shared my truth based on my values, and could now see their truth. We were not on the same page, and needed to go separate ways.

Today my children are surrounded with consistent, wonderful friends where they bring out the best in each other and help achieve high self esteem. They are still polite, and kind to this neighbourhood girl, but they are no longer friends. Inside I feel a sadness for her knowing there is nothing I can do, and my girls understand they cannot change her, and needed to walk away. Everyone has their own path.

My daughter who was subjected to that difficult incident recently composed a song in a competition open to all the students at school. This quiet dreamer sang and played her guitar in front of 800+ kids and teachers to a resounding applause that was voted overwhelmingly in her favour among the 7 competitors to be the new school song.

Here’s some of the lyrics…definitely Taylor Swift inspired music who she saw in concert earlier this year!

There’s so much to learn so come on it’s your turn this place is like a family

We follow our tribes so don’t ever be shy you’ll make some new friends on the way

Respect is all around with us, nice attitudes and fun because

We all have the school spirit but one more thing I’ll mention it..

I got a feeling deep inside that this school will always be a guide..

What was most awe-inspiring through this experience? That no matter what “disappointment, and excitement” externally shows up, my daughter has already learned how not to take things personally. Somehow she gets that whether someone hates her or many praise her — she is her own person within, and her sense of well-being stays intact where having fun, being herself, and connecting with those who treat her the way she treats others – matters most. Her outer world is simply reflecting her inner world, full of high self esteem, and the journey from here I anticipate will continue to grow in healthy spiritually and mentally ways no matter what happens.

Where do you struggle communicating authentically with your children or loved ones in sharing your values? Send your questions to carolyn@carolynhidalgo.com.

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