Carolyn Hidalgo

Inculcating High Self Esteem Among Children A couple years ago, my 3 children arrived home and told me someone had written in black marker on the girl’s bathroom stall door: “F*#^  You  _____ Hidalgo. I wish you were never born.”  My 10 year old twin daughter –  a sweet, giving, and just plain good-natured soul was targeted. Who could ever feel this way towards her? Her teacher was in total disbelief. My friends got teary eyed hearing what happened knowing my child’s disposition, and of course, I was a mess. Distraught. Fearful for my daughter’s safety wondering what to do. She was now subjected firsthand to the suffering that really goes on in the world at her own school in an upscale, beautiful neighbourhood. It felt too early to experience this level of hatred. Surprisingly what I noticed was although my daughter felt sad, and didn’t like being talked about, she wasn’t really affected by it. She didn’t feel bullied or scared. I’d taught my children from a young age that if someone is mean to them, just let them know what you are not ok with by saying “when you say or do  ________, it hurts my feelings or makes me sad”. I explained to them a lot of the way children behave comes from their upbringing, and they may not come from a similar loving environment. Sometimes others simply don’t know any different, which doesn’t allow them children to have a high self esteem. I told them being mean isn’t ok, but that sometimes that is their version of ‘best‘. I explained that what someone does speaks louder than what they say.  Ask yourself would I ever treat someone that way? Choose your friends based on the way you want to be treated. How someone behaves tells a lot about what’s ok for them, and if the next day they seem nice…can you really trust they will be consistent? Do they apologize, and take responsibility when you communicate your disagreement? Not just say sorry, but feel remorseful with a desire to treat others similar to the way you do? My daughter saw everyone as nice – she sees the world through her own eyes – not as it is, but how she is. We all do. It was difficult for her to understand that character is different from the way someone treats her on a given day. She would share some of the ways girls would behave (sometimes just plain mean!), but she described it not from a place of anger, blame or even hurt. She was more confused, trying to understand why. I taught my 3 children that we all have different values, and if you get the cold shoulder, or anger when you speak up for what’s not ok with you, you need to walk away or distance yourself. It doesn’t mean you are not kind, or respectful to everyone, but you get to choose your friends, and don’t have to be friends with everyone. I had an intuition of who could have written those words on the bathroom stall. A neighbourhood girl who had known my daughters since kindergarten was showing signs of jealousy, competitiveness, and controlling behaviour over the years that was creating inappropriate angry reactions, and a lack of empathy all indicating low self-esteem. I noticed  this girl was unable to be happy if my daughter turned out to be ‘better’ in any subject (even though academically she far exceeded my daughter!) yet my daughter was naturally happy for her friends when they succeeded. I worried about this girl, and the harm she was doing to herself – the friendships I noticed she was beginning to lose. How will she grow up if she doesn’t learn to have compassion? I could see her ego at only 10 years old – that she was already living in fear not love. I approached her parents who were neighbourhood friends with the intention to share what I noticed out of genuine concern for their daughter. They had a different way of seeing the world, and I was met with anger, blame, and the cold shoulder.  Apparently being competitive, reacting in anger, and controlling was ok for their daughter. Nothing I shared surprised them, and they had no issue with her behaviour. Suddenly it all made sense. The apple does not fall far from the tree. I shared my truth based on my values, and could now see their truth. We were not on the same page, and needed to go separate ways. Today my children are surrounded with consistent, wonderful friends where they bring out the best in each other and help achieve high self esteem. They are still polite, and kind to this neighbourhood girl, but they are no longer friends. Inside I feel a sadness for her knowing there is nothing I can do, and my girls understand they cannot change her, and needed to walk away. Everyone has their own path. My daughter who was subjected to that difficult incident recently composed a song in a competition open to all the students at school. This quiet dreamer sang and played her guitar in front of 800+ kids and teachers to a resounding applause that was voted overwhelmingly in her favour among the 7 competitors to be the new school song. Here’s some of the lyrics…definitely Taylor Swift inspired music who she saw in concert earlier this year! There’s so much to learn so come on it’s your turn this place is like a family We follow our tribes so don’t ever be shy you’ll make some new friends on the way Respect is all around with us, nice attitudes and fun because We all have the school spirit but one more thing I’ll mention it.. I got a feeling deep inside that this school will always be a guide.. What was most awe-inspiring through this experience? That no matter what “disappointment, and excitement” externally shows up, my daughter has already learned how not to take things personally. Somehow she gets that whether someone hates her or many praise her …

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Living from love not fear requires self-management of our ego’s ‘inner critic‘ that finds fault, and your ‘inner judge‘ that condemns. Making ourselves, and others wrong fills our world with drama, gossip, and unnecessary conflict. It’s based on an underlying fear striving to avoid “I am not _____ enough, and won’t be loved unless I’m________ .  Some far reaching ideal instead of an acceptance that no matter what lessons we need to learn, and grow from, you are already whole, worthy, and deserving of love. Your ego says “what’s wrong with you?” It is the experience of going over  in your mind I could have, should have, would have if only I______ with an energy of blame, punishment, and regret…STOP, slow down, and recognize this is the ego attacking your well-being. Believe there is a higher purpose for everything that happens (it may not be pleasant), but ask yourself ‘what is the gift I can take from this experience?’ Lean into your own self-love to assess what could have, should have, would have happened differently had I________ with an energy of compassion, understanding, and support so you have the space to learn, and grow. Feel the energy here, and recognize this is the love you deserve because none of us are wrong in a given moment- we’re human, and we make choices that do not always serve us. It does not mean absolving responsibility, but apologizing when we’ve consciously or unconsciously chosen a destructive or hurtful path. When you practice living from a place of self-love  you’ll begin to develop a stronger, healthier spirit where you don’t beat yourself up knowing all we can ever do is our best.  You may feel sad, bad, angry, whatever emotion that expresses your own disappointment with what you chose. Your emotions help you to recognize your own values that are being stepped on. You are upset for a reason – what is it for you? A strong work ethic you didn’t hold yourself to? Respect for someone you lost in a moment of anger? Kindness you didn’t give when someone didn’t follow your ‘right way‘? Use your emotions to stand up for your values instead of allowing your ego to punish, and blame. When others mis-step in their lives based on how they understand the world, doing their best, how do you treat them? With blame, punishment, and anger or compassion, curiosity and understanding? Are they willing to listen? Do they take responsibility for their behaviour when it is destructive or do they justify, or make excuses? I’ve heard the EGO described as “Edging God Out“, and I couldn’t agree more.  Allowing the ego’s voice to dominate your thinking creates the experiences of guilt, resentment, unworthiness, blame, and unforgiveness. There is a light, a God fragment, a spirit of love within each of us. Some call it our soul. When we lose our connection to this part of us, love gets blocked by our ego. The tricky part about our relationships is not only managing our own ego, but understanding where someone else lives in their ego. Often when we are in conflict, our egos are fighting with each other! If one person is unable to see their ego, and condemns you, your best choice is to walk away because it becomes destructive to you. The ego has you believing you know everything, are superior to others, and you become blind to only your way of seeing where you will be imposing your will certain you are right. You will unknowingly show up as demanding, controlling, and self-serving. Those who live from this place do not realize their true impact on others, and why people turn away from them. A spiritual friend described the ego as the culmination of pre-determined thought patterns that lie within you from your emotional experience based in fear. We choose our own thoughts, but how we think is affected by our painful experiences, which is why blaming is futile. How can you blame someone who is living from their own pain? What they need is healing, but this path can only be self-initiated, not imposed. What difficult memories do you hold where you see yourself as a failure (beating yourself up) allowing that ‘thought pattern‘ to determine your choices today? Where do you play the victim (it’s all my fault/poor me/blaming yourself) fearing it will happen again if you don’t put up that wall of false protection your ego has created? Your ego will tell you – be afraid, stay safe instead of trusting you can step into your own fear, take responsibility to change direction towards being vulnerable.  You can be authentic here – BE YOU with your own experience, and make the mis-steps you need to live true to yourself where the ups, and downs show up, and can be embraced.  You will find yourself experiencing deeper love on all levels of your mind, body, and soul when you practice creating a space where no one gets to be wrong – the ego is not present here, and love without conditions or love without fear for others finally shows up.  

Before I talk about self-managing your ego, a quick update… I’ve been on summer vacation with my kids enjoying life at the cottage, and trying to squeeze in time to read, write, coach, and connect with you all! Here’s to beautiful moments, and all the wonderful memories you’re creating this summer : )   I do a lot of self-reflection, slowing down, and just ‘being’ up here. When I look back at the last 4 years since I became a coach, everything has changed, and nothing has changed. I see myself on an inner journey of  re-discovering who I am as I go forward with new life experiences -learning, growing, expanding, all the while returning home to who I’ve always been. “All that is important is that you are true to you, for you are the only one that can give you the life you desire, and were born to live.” ~Archangel Michael Our planet is going through an awakening – a shift you may be feeling now. I’m finally reading Eckhart Tolle’s A New Earth, a book I’ve had on my shelf (the last 4 years), but wasn’t ready to “hear” just yet. It describes the increasing raising of consciousness around the globe with a massive focus on the EGO. Today, I cannot even tell you how the words ring my ‘truth bells’ and flow through my entire being of understanding. The ego is a complex ‘thought form’ that’s part of our SELF we each must self-manage or it can trap you in it’s thinking that creates conflict, struggle, and suffering. We end up taking things personally, get stuck, and hold on when we need to let go. I happened to come across an article of the  7 ways best-selling author Wayne Dyer offers to help with self-managing your ego: 1) Stop being offended. 2) Let go of your need to win. 3) Let go of your need to be right. 4) Let go of your need to be superior. 5) Let go of your need to have more. 6) Let go of identifying yourself on the basis of your achievements. 7) Let go of your reputation (do not let others define you). Easier said than done, right? HOW do we do this? By shifting your intention. “Change the way you look at things, and the way you look at things will change.” Wayne Dyer, author of  The Power of Intention Here’s how I’ve learned to manage the above 7 parts of my ego – an on-going practice!  It has not only changed how I see, the way I listen, and the experiences I notice weren’t available to me before – it also allows me to create my life in a way that resonates with who I am, who I want to become, and the difference I can make with the people in my life. And, it can also help you in self-managing your ego. 1) Feeling offended happens because we believe someone has ‘wronged’ us. Is this true? Was it intentional, or are they simply being who they are from their own state of consciousness (not right or wrong)? Is it about you or about them? When we believe others intentionally hurt or offend us, we give them power over us that isn’t real. You unknowingly allow someone to take over your free will to choose how you want to respond. Have you ever intentionally hurt someone? Most times, people ‘know not what they do’  when their choices hurt others because their ego has unknowingly taken over. How do I know? I began to notice the outer world of the people who take things personally, end up hurting others, experience patterns of wonderful people disconnecting from them. Who would intentionally choose this path? 2) The win/lose paradigm. There’s doing your best – pushing your own boundaries of what’s possible that you did before, and there’s being attached to needing to win when ‘losing’ sends you into complete despair, anger, depression, or self-loathing. Competition can be a motivating force, but where it separates us from our loving self, compares ourself in self-judgment, imposes on others with a ‘need to win’ – it’s ego. Losing can feel awful, sad, painful and can be detrimental to your efforts in self-managing your ego. These are real vulnerable emotions that allowing yourself to feel paradoxically gives you the strength to keep going, and rise to your next challenge. 3) The right/wrong paradigm. Needing to be right, and making others wrong. The basis for criticizing and judging ourselves, and others. Focus on the choices of what you say and do based on your values, and let others do the same. Your ego needs to be right by imposing your ideals, but your authentic self recognizes that everyone has their own idea of ‘right’, and transcends to the place of deeper understanding where love flows, and inner peace exists no matter how different you look at the world. 4) Being superior sees others as inferior. This is what it means to judge someone that creates contempt, hatred, loathing. I am better, you are worse as a person. Sure I may better at certain skills, aware of more things, but you may be better and more aware of other things. We are the same – spiritual beings having human experiences. No matter what the balance of ‘better and worse’ in the outer things we can do or have – we all want the same thing: to be seen, heard, and loved for who we are. Understanding this simple fact can encourage you in self-managing your ego. 5) The attachment of needing to have more is an endless cycle, and there is nothing wrong with striving for more. You can experience different things that can be more enjoyable. It’s the false belief that what’s external to us: both material things, and  people are the source of our happiness that brings discontent, and a futile search for something outside that can only exist within. Connecting to your inner loving self in …

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I’d managed to avoid conflict most of my life until I started trusting my own inner voice. Turns out being with conflict is inevitable if we want to be true to ourselves. How can we best manage it constructively in a way that helps us grow? A close friend shared with me recently: “As a part of our inter-connectiveness, our choices continually bump into the lives of others and in doing so we take turns being the cause of something and creating an effect in another. We all take turns being on both sides of the coin. When we base our choices on being true to ourselves and with a pure intention, we must also accept that we will cause something that may or may not cause disharmony in the life of another and we must allow that other to make their own choices from what they feel is being true to themselves and with good intention. This disharmony or disequilibrium is the first step toward growth, and struggle. Once we’ve put our choice into play, we must release for others the freedom to make their own choices that begins a process of making further choices. At the heart of this cycle is the understanding and acceptance that this will occur. So it becomes a process of maintaining a balance between the choices we make and our ability to accept the responsibility that our choices will have on the lives of others. It is the right, the freedom and responsibility of each one of us to allow others the freedom to respond to this disharmony and at the same time it is our right, our freedom, and our responsibility to decide just how much of our choices we will disclose to another knowing that it will create an effect. No one can make that decision for us. It is something that needs to be negotiated individually and uniquely between every pair of individuals who fall into this cycle of cause and effect. It is why our intentions play such an important role.” What does it mean to hold pure intention? This is where it gets tricky. Everyone is unique, and lives in a different place on the spectrum of love that connects us versus fear that separates us. There is no ‘right’ intention for someone else. There’s only whether the intention you choose to hold is constructive or destructive to your own well-being.  When we try to avoid disappointing others, maintain harmony, strive to meet other’s expectations, seek approval – it can be at the expense of being true to ourselves. We may sacrifice to meet others’ expectations going against what we authentically desire believing this is giving, but true giving comes from a pure intention that requires self-love. When we give of ourselves without being attached to needing anything back in return we live in a place of high self-esteem as opposed to our ego where there is resentment, guilt, frustration, self-pity or obligation. If my husband wants to spend an evening playing poker with his friends, and my intention is wanting his happiness, even if I would rather he choose to be with me, I’ll say authentically “have a great time” from a place of self-love where I ‘give’ without resentment. I may feel sad I don’t get to spend the evening with him, but that belongs to me not him. It’s a choice he’s made, and I’ve accepted and I’m no longer being with conflict. If I am feeling jealousy or disappointment, it will feel like I’m sacrificing because my ego is at work with it’s intention of “I don’t want to feel bad (self pity)”, and you need to ‘make me happy (blame)’ so him choosing to leave will create anger or frustration. If he hasn’t been home for weeks on end, and consistently chooses something else over me, then being true to my value of spending quality time isn’t being honoured. I will speak up from a place of self-love, and share how I am feeling – sad and disappointed, which may show up as anger, and frustration that will feel like being with conflict needs to be dealt with. This will create new choices, and decisions. We will either grow together to honour that shared value or further apart if we can’t find a compromise. When thoughts of ‘you should have…’ or if you really loved me you ‘would have…’ show up, check in whether you are speaking up for the words and actions that are not aligned with the values you hold that are creating your genuine emotions and connects you to yourself OR are you living from your ego needing someone to follow your ‘right way’, and in your judgment feel anger, self-pity, resentment or disappointment which separates you from others, and from yourself? Only you can know and trust your own sense of well-being.  The biggest validation: Your outer experiences will reflect your inner values. You will experience greater joy, love, and authentic connection because the struggle helps you grow together not apart. You will attract people you resonate with who trust you because you can trust yourself. Miracles begin showing up when you are aligned with your true self, and there is a flow to your life. You grow spiritually to a place of more inner peace, less stress, and ease.  You are happier. If people you admire, and trust are leaving, and you have a pattern of being with conflict resulting in a constant cycle of repeated stress where you feel stuck, and often defensive – reflect on whether your ego is at work. Where are you afraid of disappointing others? What do you need others to be so you can be happy? Where are you avoiding? What do you expect from others otherwise you blame them, and feel resentment? Conflicts fought when both sides come from pure intention of trusting love not fear allows each side to be who they are, where each takes responsibility for their own ego (blaming, complaining, condemning is not ok).  Through the struggle, you will each feel closer to your true selves …

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