People say and do things that can create a lot of hurt, frustration, and pain in our relationships. I’ve often wondered ‘how can someone do that. Why can’t people have healthier conflicts? Think that? Behave that way? What’s wrong with them?’ On one hand, we need the contrast to know what doesn’t work for us, but feeling perpetual anger, resentment or disappointment isn’t healthy.
Changing someone else isn’t possible, (unless it’s something they want too), so how do you make the shift necessary to manage your own pain?
There’s a wide range of how we respond to others’ choices we find disturbing, draining, destructive or otherwise unhealthy.
How to Know If You are NOT Having Healthier Conflicts
- go into denial, and distract yourself by keeping busy, and hope somehow the issue will resolve itself?
- bury your feelings while rationalizing why someone must have the problem or there’s something wrong with you?
- say nothing telling yourself “I’m choosing my battles” that may be silently communicating “I’m ok” with this”?
- justify why it’s ok (“I can’t change them, they don’t understand” etc.) even when it goes against everything you believe?
- complain to others, or gossip (“can you believe that, who does she think she is, I have to tell you about…where your frustration or pain is a source of entertainment at the expense of someone”)?
- feel sorry for yourself, and seek others to validate or justify your pain?
- feel ill-equipped to express your real thoughts or feelings, and either don’t know what to say or fear it will just escalate the situation?
- choose to sacrifice (give up what you want or express how you truly feel) perhaps rationalizing with “I should be giving and kind” or “its not a big deal for me”, but you feel drained, angry or more distant?
The 4 C’s to Create Healthier Conflicts
Or are you doing any of the 4 C’s…
- CORRECTING or trying to CONVINCE with criticism where someone feels wrong, and they jump into angry defensiveness or stony silence?
- CONTROLLING or CONDEMNING with judgment where someone feels inferior, unworthy compared to you, and they go into fighting mode, despair, or hatred?
Which behaviours do you recognize in yourself? Who do you find yourself behaving these ways with? All these behaviours during conflict keep you disconnected from your authentic self, and in unhealthy conflict. There may be a sense of ‘harmony’ (avoiding conflict), or battles (erupting conflict) where your connections will become either ‘surface-dwelling’ or filled with drama that end up requiring hard work to maintain your happiness.
The most difficult concept to recognize when it comes to creating healthier conflicts is BLAME. Somehow we find a way to put the responsibility of how we feel upon someone else. It’s ‘their fault’ where it feels like someone has done something to us, or owes us. They should know better, they should not be so________, what the F$^#? (pardon my language) – you get the point. We end up separating ourselves. The resulting anger, hatred, and pain you now carry can have your energy creating unnecessary stress, depression, or an inability to function.
The blame may be towards yourself – it’s ‘my fault’, and now your self-worth takes a blow of ‘I’m not good enough’. This can lead to feelings of low self-esteem where you end up sacrificing your own inner voice regardless of the confidence you may have with others.
Follow the Middle Ground
There’s a ‘middle ground’ (things are never black and white!) where you stay ‘neutral’ – neither taking responsibility or blaming. Sitting on the fence wading around your conflicts where you cannot move forward. The same issues keep repeating themselves where you feel stuck or things stay ‘on the surface’ without growth (the secret to deeper connection). You may feel like something’s missing, or you’re accommodating or settling.
I’ve heard many say “I’m not blaming”, but they are unable to see it in themselves. They are hurt, and devastated, and in their words is the evidence: “They need to understand me. They need to know this is not ok with me. Why are they not apologizing to me for what they did? They can’t see that…” Notice the energy here of “it’s their fault I am hurting”. It’s more about how someone else needs to change to make you feel better. “Maybe by ignoring them or punishing them, it will teach them a lesson!” Blame will backfire against you.
It differs from “I understand how this person is behaving, and it is not ok with me based on my values.” You will not need to demand an apology because once you “let go” of that need to fix, control, or resist the other person, something in you shifts.
There’s a recognition that people are simply ‘being who they are’, and by you moving into “acceptance” (peace within), the dynamics between you will change. Doesn’t mean you will necessarily agree with someone else’s choices, and if they are destructive to you – there’s lots of options on how to move forward. You can stop sharing so much, walk away, speak your truth allowing someone to be angry, sad or upset accepting its about them not you.
I remember hearing once “when people show you are they are – believe them!” Actions do speak louder than words. Promises of “OK – from now on I will never…!” in a heated argument are defensive with little substance. When someone treats you in a way that doesn’t work for you – instead of thinking ‘how can they do that to me?’ Notice – wow, they CAN do that, and you’ll soon discover it will not only be towards you.
So take a deep breath, slow down, and notice ‘what did they do, and what did they say’? Are they justifying? We tend to project who we are onto the people we love because we expect them to get us, but often it’s us who cannot see them clearly. This leads to disappointment by what others say and do – but it’s coming from our need to change them, and the resistance that creates. Meanwhile – they are just being themselves!
Create Relationships The Way You Want
You can create any relationship the way you want when you are no longer dependent on other people for your happiness. You can trust your own joy and healthier conflicts will bring out the joy in others. Your focus is how you show up to honour your well-being while allowing others to do the same for themselves. Your energy will attract more of the experiences you want in your life with the people who resonate with you.
What’s not ok with you is the contrast you need to experience (the pain) to stand stronger in your own values (the bliss). Your pain belongs to you, and no one else. So does your joy. When it’s no one’s fault, a space opens to share both your pain and your joy in a way that connects you instead of separating you where your conflicts can actually become healthy for you because they give you the opportunity to expand your awareness, and grow.
When you preserve your energy for those who resonate with yours instead of allowing one of contrast to drain you, your entire circle will begin to shift to reflect the love growing within you. Its this love that pushes through any conflict to a place where both sides can grow.
What behaviours will you let go of to create healthier conflicts, more connected relationships?
