The other week I was having a conversation with a dear friend I haven’t spoken to in years. She confided that she felt guilty sometimes after reading my blog believing she wasn’t loving without conditions, and thought of herself as a B#*^H! My heart sank, and I was SO appreciative she was willing to share her true feelings. This one is dedicated to her : )

Loving without conditions. Is it possible? There’s a silent consensus that says we cannot love unconditionally. As humans we are not capable of it. Here’s what I believe is possible when it comes to what I prefer to call loving freely that seems to elude a lot of us because of the confusion around what conditions we are talking about.

Inevitably people’s choices (yes the people we claim to love) can really piss us off! Their behaviour and/or their thoughts are enough to send us off the deep end. The last feeling we have is love. Do you struggle with how you’re supposed to look past these ‘conditions‘, and still love them? How do you let go of what irritates, angers, saddens, and disappoints you on a regular basis to hold onto the love you wonder sometimes hasn’t up, and left? We try to ‘be good’, and do what’s ‘right’, and can beat ourselves up with guilt, shame, and a struggle to connect with that love we know exists.

Part of the secret to “loving unconditionally” lies in understanding a critical distinction. What we choose to do, think, and say is different from who we are. We are each unique souls with our own free will, and not everything someone else chooses is going to jive with us especially when they are coming from fear (ego). If you want to spend time with their energy (their love and fears) in an ongoing relationship,  being in your own peace will involve finding a way to ‘accept‘, but not necessarily ‘agree with‘ what doesn’t work for you.

To further complicate matters, the constant in our lives is change. We are moving, growing, seeing things differently through our individual, and collective experiences.  The pace, and way we expand our awareness may not be aligned with someone we love. It’s how our children teach us the most. The gap of ‘growth’ is wide – their souls are dependent on you to become independent. In our closest connections this is also the ‘goal’ – to have the freedom to both love, and be independent at the same time. Do you notice how allowing your child to just be who they are (let your own attachments go) opens up the love?

The conflicts we face in our connections with others are twofold. There’s an inner conflict with ourselves of what we long for, and an outer conflict of ‘the way’ other people show up we are not OK with. In every difficult experience, there’s an opportunity that presents itself to ask – what is really upsetting, angering, saddening or disappointing me? It will point you to 3 areas:

1. Your upbringing/conditioning/programming of ‘what’s right’ in your world – “the rules” you follow that may or may not be serving  you. eg. I was brought up hearing ‘what’s wrong with you, how can you not know that?’ I have a strong tendency to be in this critical ‘correcting’ energy with my children (especially when helping with homework). I need to be mindful of my thoughts (you should know that!), and lack of patience.  Sometimes I apologize (take responsibility) so they know the frustration I’m having is not with them, it’s with me : )

2. Your values for what matters to you. What you live by no matter what anyone else thinks – ‘your true self’. These develop over time, and can evolve depending on your experiences. e.g. I didn’t always value authenticity at the level I do now, but today it’s one of my highest values. If I cannot be authentic in a relationship, I will do my best to create the space for it, but I notice myself naturally letting go or being drawn to others depending on the level of authenticity present. If I have to wear a mask with someone, I won’t even bother. What’s the point?

3. Your needs based on how you have been growing towards love or away from love (ego). The more compassion you have with your self (self-love), the more you will desire that same compassion from others. When you live from fear, you’ll send out that energy (neediness, approval, control), and that will define your love with others. Complainers attract complainers, those who need control struggle with those who don’t, and those seeking approval constantly battle within themselves not feeling ‘good enough’ – attached to external appreciation.

We tend to focus on the ‘conditions’ we don’t like, and try to like them in the name of love. We’ll put up with, settle, accommodate, bury, deny, avoid…even when our inner voice is screaming “this is not working for me!” It’s not who we are, it’s not what we would choose. We have a lot of difficulty being authentic – saying to someone we love “when you say or do______, it makes me feel_______. This is not working for me, and here’s why.”

We may fear the outcome, not want to be disappointed, be uncomfortable with confrontation. You may not trust what you truly feel in favour of pleasing someone believing this is the way to be loved. There’s the fear of being alone, abandoned, unloved, not good enough that motivates us to create what isn’t love at all. It’s more like attachment, security, ownership, and control.

When BOTH sides can hold a compassionate intention that is open, curious, non-judgmental, an opportunity to grow together in love shows up no matter how messy it gets. Facing head on each other’s opposing differences while staying clear of blame, defensiveness, control, and resentment created by “I am right, and you are wrong” will finally get to the heart of any conflicting issue. It is not easy, and is scary. We don’t want to do the work – it’s too emotional, too difficult, and the status quo remains strong.

But being radically honest gives you a profound self-understanding that will shift you towards loving more freely:

• Am I really ok that you_____? Is it constructive where I can move into acceptance (not necessarily agree), or so destructive to my well-being that I need to distance myself or walk away?
• Why am I angry or upset? Is it conditioned, a value, or a need? What exactly isn’t working for me?
• Do I understand the source of what’s not working for someone I love that I am choosing?
• What thoughts/behaviours am I not willing to accept I need to share to stand up for myself?
• What’s better left unsaid because someone is unable to hear me (either maturity or lack of awareness) without blaming or attacking my well-being?

Love resides in our willingness to be vulnerable. To face someone else’s truth, and be able to share our own in complete self-trust.

At the end of the day loving unconditionally comes down to TRUST (different from honesty). You have to trust the love within you. Anger, and tears can appear like love, when it’s really fear. Within your soul you know the difference. Here’s my how to live from love not fear.

When you think about a person, and how you ‘love them’, notice that it’s not actually the person you love (although that’s how we express it). It’s the experience of love you feel when you are with them. Loving is not painful though your journey getting back ‘home’ to your own heart where love resides can be excruciating because of what you need to let go of.

You can give love to anyone freely, but not necessarily like what they choose, and if what comes back is fear-based thoughts and behaviour that prevents them from returning love, you need to ask yourself what exchange of love am I willing to accept? There’s no requirement – not even for family if what comes back is destructive to your own well being. The choice to walk away or create a safe distance is self-care (compassionate) not selfish (ego).

Love is the ‘experience reflection‘ of the love you have within yourself coming back through someone you choose to give it to. And you can always give this love to yourself through “God”, “Universal Consciousness”, “Source”, who represents complete divine unconditional love. Why we are never alone, and how we are all connected. The higher you go within to this place of Divine Source of love, the more you will attract the experience of love everywhere. It’s where you can let go in loving someone, and it comes back tenfold because it was always there to begin with.

[typography font=”Cantarell” size=”27″ size_format=”px”]The experience of love is: I have the freedom to be me with you.[/typography]

Creating the space for this reality is what it means to love freely ‘without conditions’ i.e. without making someone wrong for who they are, not necessarily what they choose, or where they are on their spiritual path of love versus fear. It is the practice, and freedom of living judgment-free : )

Are you willing to create this kind of love in your life?  I hope so – you deserve it.

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