For years, I kept hearing about the power of surrendering or letting it go, but wasn’t really sure what it meant, or how it worked.
Until I struggled with emotions of resentment, total disbelief, and disappointment when a long-time friend I loved, and trusted turned out not to be a true friend, I failed to see how the pain of betrayal was something I was creating. It became a blessing in disguise giving me a transformational practice of living judgment-free. I learned the art of letting it go.
When we feel upset, angry, frustrated thinking “how could you?” or “what’s wrong with you?”…we are seeing someone based on our unique perception. What drives us crazy is that they are not meeting the expectations we’ve imposed. Whether you are right or wrong to my utter amazement wasn’t relevant – it was my attachment to it that was causing my angst.
Sure, we will always have differences in the way we see fuelled by our own opinions, beliefs, upbringing, and experiences. And experiencing negative emotions is part of our human nature – life is filled with ups and downs. But it’s not going to serve you to hold onto being right, and making someone wrong. It’s a slight distinction that has a massive impact on you holding destructive energy (low vibration) and sending it out to others. We fall into a trap of criticizing (blaming) or judging (condemning) someone.
We see others how we are that keeps us blind wanting circumstances, and other’s responses to match our ‘reality’. If we communicate our disapproval with criticism or judgment, we expect others to change, ‘get it’, take responsibility for our ‘right’ way of ‘seeing’, but what they feel is ‘wronged’ – defensiveness, and separation results.
If someone is open, they may be able to ‘see’ you, understand, expand their awareness where you can share more deeply, have discourse, come to a shifting together, but often either their lens or our lens is blocking the ability to see the whole picture for a variety of reasons.
Someone’s words, and more importantly their behaviour will tell you exactly what they see. Pay close attention, and try to feel into what it must be like in their shoes, which are clearly a different colour, and style than yours. Doesn’t mean you agree – you are just opening yourself up to see, and hear through a different channel so you can respond in a way that best works for you. Most people have good intentions, but their motivation may differ drastically to you. Letting it go with these people is even more difficult.
The question is: what is their underlying motivation, and is there a way to bridge the gap?
Once you let go to accept (not necessarily like) the circumstances to ‘be what is‘ or someone to ‘be who they are‘, you will effectively give space for someone to show up ‘being them‘, so you can create the space to ‘be you‘, and an authenticity and vulnerability is available.
Life becomes easier, more flowing, wildly fulfilling instead of circling in drama, nonsense, surface-dwelling, and the unending pursuit of the next best thing to make you ‘happy‘. You experience sublime moments of joy, connection, glorious wonder, including ecstasy because you end up creating, and attracting an outer world that matches a blossoming resonance (high vibration) growing within you.
Here’s the struggle: our emotions can take over when anything we believe gets stepped on, or challenged from our character to the way the dishwasher is stacked. Slow down, and just notice ‘what isn’t working for me, and why based on what I value?’ You get to control how you choose to respond, allowing you to understand how letting it go makes things easier. Get curious about yourself, and what you perceive as ‘wrong’ that’s bothering you. Circumstances that are now in the past, and how someone else behaves is out of your control so no use hanging on there.
Who are you? What are your beliefs that affect how you feel at your core? What moves you? Is true for you? What value is crying out wanting to be heard? Whatever you are resisting or having a conflict with is going against something you hold close to your heart.
There is a deeper motivation of what you are attached to preventing you from letting go. A few places to look: 1) Past hurt or negative conditioning that puts up a wall with others 2) Your social conditioning of what is ‘right’ even though it may not be working for your situation 3) Fear of being vulnerable – avoiding disappointment (weakness), showing emotions, or admitting you were wrong (pride) 4) Your values are being stepped on.
1) Your heart may be hurting from a past wound needing to feel good enough, successful, loved. It’s so easy to blame someone else for the way we feel. The problem is you can’t heal by changing the outside to make you happy. It won’t last. The shift must come from inside – in the direction of love (or fear) you create with yourself. Self-love, and self-acceptance or remain the victim of the outside? It’s a choice. Everything you choose to think, say and do will move you in one direction or the other.
Letting go of past hurt requires you shift to your spirit, and realize that the past is no longer relevant because NOW you can choose to respond differently. Change your thinking to change your perspective that was taking your past and bringing it into the present. There’s a faith you must have that it’s possible. Sometimes asking for divine guidance to heal or give you the strength to see the situation clearly is the only way to let go.
2) Your struggle may be a belief , opinion, conclusion or assumption you see as ‘right’ so someone else is ‘wrong’. I grew up believing certain ways of thinking, and behaving were simply ‘right’. Some were, and some I discovered didn’t work for me I needed to let go of. Are you stressed because your ‘right’ way isn’t being followed? When someone is being self-righteous, they are not aware of it so remembering ‘truth’ (perception) is in the eye of the beholder opens the space to see both sides.
3) The power of vulnerability. One of my favourite Ted talks by Brene Brown. Until you learn to share the real you with the people you can trust – emotions, shortcomings, what’s really going on behind the mask, it’s you that you can’t trust, so to that extent -neither can anyone else. There will be a distance between you where you cannot fully connect, and experience love at a level available to you.
4) If what you value is being stepped on, it’s your choice to stand up for it, and your emotions will express this call when it’s being threatened. You may feel angry, frustrated, but projecting it onto someone isn’t going to help the situation. Be very clear why this value matters to you – trust in yourself, and determine whether or not someone has the space to listen. Sometimes others will take it personally no matter how you share your truth. Discern whether some things are better left unsaid.
The emotions that arise because a value you hold is not being met (eg. respect, kindness, neatness, hard work, health) comes from your higher (authentic & vulnerable) self. These are critical because you are ultimately responsible for defining your own happiness by living true to what YOU value that gives your life purpose, and meaning. Feeling these emotions deeply requires you to be courageous and will connect you back to who you really are (even if the emotions are painful). Let go of your fear, and own these emotions because they belong to you, and are special.
When you can take full responsibility for emotions because you recognize where it’s coming from you can now shift back into who you really are. You have given yourself the power to become free of whatever is happening outside of you to begin holding onto an energy of positivity, love, and trust for what matters to your highest self. You will get validation because you energy will easily attract a similar resonance to create lasting, deeper, more fulfilling connections, and experiences. What anyone does has nothing to do with you – it has to do with them : )
Letting go gives you a profound ability to listen, share, teach, have discourse, and discussion with an open curious non-judgmental spirit. A vast space opens to all the possibilities of life, and what you can now create. Rules can be broken. There is no right or wrong when real love leads the way.
How do you practice letting it go?1. Breathe into you. Take a few deep breaths to get into your own body – your loving energy and notice your emotions – let go of your emotions directed against someone or something and move them back towards you – into the real emotions that belong to you, and simply notice – what is motivating them?
2. Feel gratitude for being able to know what you know. We forget others only know what they know, and assume they are like us. We project how we see onto others believing they think the way we do – but they don’t! We are all different. You will gain insight into someone’s lens by their actions. The more resistance you feel, the bigger the gap in the way you see, and experience the world.
3. Learn with Compassion. Remember when you made a mistake? How did someone treat you? Was it kind, and understanding or critical and condemning? We all make mistakes, but the way we grow and learn is best when we give ourselves compassion, then we have it in us to give to others.
4. Connect to you, and everyone. Trust in the higher part of yourself – your inner spirit or “God”. Ask to help you ‘see’ more clearly what you may not see from the emotional state you are in. Know that there is a light deep down in all of us wanting the same thing: to be loved for who we are. Some of us just don’t know how to get there.
5. Allow. Let others to be who they are by not blaming or finding fault with them – even if they don’t meet your expectations. You can certainly share how their choices do not align with your values or your needs, but however they show up IS who they are.
6. Remember no one is perfect. But we are all whole spiritual beings. It’s our “human-ness” that makes mistakes, a necessity for growth. Each of us are on our own path doing our best to awaken out of the fears, hurt, and need to be right that come from our conditioning. Some of this was not our choice, but it doesn’t have to be what drives us. Is “what’s right” working for you? If not, letting it go may be the best option.
7. Think outside the box. Do you know that no rules are needed when love is present? Someone made them up. Trust within from a place of love, and you can make up your own rules beyond your current reality.
8. Live Your Values. If someone doesn’t meet your expectations, look to the value you are holding that is being stepped on. Have you communicated clearly without attachment to being right? It doesn’t mean someone has to follow your values – it just means they are given the opportunity to understand and accept your choices. Sometimes you may need to walk away or not share.
9. Be willing to be vulnerable. Not have all the answers. To fall down. Be disappointed. Show your emotions. This practice makes you strong, not weak.
10. Look for the gift in your pain. Why is this experience happening to teach you? Each of us have our own path of awakening out of our own pain to gain deeper understanding to grow. Whatever it is that you are attached to is something you have to move through so you can become true to yourself, and letting it go let’s you be that.
