Avatar, the Last Airbender Series (2006)<\/a>, which addresses topics of conflict, betrayal, forgiveness, and trust with its cast of hero-like characters both children and parents can connect with.<\/p>\nThe series hits Netflix again in May 2020 in anticipation of the long-anticipated film version expected later this year.<\/p>\n
When you can find media that\u2019s meaningful and resonates with both you and your child \u2013 it\u2019s an opportunity to have an authentic connect with them<\/p>\n
4) Encourage Mistakes and Redefine Failure<\/h4>\n
Self-made billionaire and Spanx founder Sara Blakely said her greatest lesson was the question her father asked her at the end of each week: \u201cWhat did you fail at?\u201d She would be disappointed if she had no failures to share!<\/p>\n
Sara was highly motivated to try everything because failure got re-defined as success, and her effort mattered more than the outcome.<\/p>\n
Notice your reaction when your child messes up. Sure, you may be sad, frustrated, even furious, but what do you do with these emotions? Your child isn’t causing YOUR emotions.<\/p>\n
They don’t have the power to make you angry – you carry responsibility for how you feel.<\/p>\n
Children have a natural desire to please, and not disappoint us, but they need a safe space to stumble and fall so they can learn, and grow. Our ability to be with their failure can be the toughest challenge. We want them to succeed!<\/p>\n
No one wants to mess up, so acknowledging their feelings, and you being present with THEIR emotions is life-changing. Here’s how to acknowledge:<\/p>\n
\u2022 I notice you\u2019re angry or upset.
\n\u2022 I sense something\u2019s not working for you.
\n\u2022 I realize you need your space.
\n\u2022 You seem sad or frustrated.<\/p>\n
Then…can you share with me what happened??<\/p>\n
Actively listen with curiosity from where they are, not from where you are.<\/p>\n
Your faith in them despite their failings allows them to show up, connect authentically and experience the downs so they can reach their ups.<\/p>\n
5) Let Go of Criticizing and Judging<\/h4>\n
We want our children to believe \u201cI can do this because this who I am\u201d, but what they often hear growing up when they make mistakes sends a different message:<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m not good enough\u201d.<\/h5>\n
Do any of these questions sound familiar?<\/p>\n
\u2022 How could you not know that?
\n\u2022 What\u2019s the matter with you?
\n\u2022 Why is this taking you so long?
\n\u2022 Are you kidding me?
\n\u2022 What on earth were you thinking?<\/p>\n
These are expressions of criticism that forms your child\u2019s \u2018inner critic\u2019 and creates the fear of not being good enough early on. Criticism around a child\u2019s behaviour creates guilt and self-doubt.<\/p>\n
What\u2019s tougher are expressions of judgment that form your child\u2019s \u2018inner judge\u2019. When you put your child down, they will feel shame, and unworthiness:<\/p>\n
\u2022 How could you be so stupid?
\n\u2022 So, if your friends do something, you blindly follow like an idiot?
\n\u2022 That outfit makes you look _______ (fat, too big, silly, ridiculous\u2026)
\n\u2022 You must be blind to keep spilling things!
\n\u2022 Gosh – stop crying like a baby! That is nothing to be upset over.
\n\u2022 You are such a disappointment!<\/p>\n
It\u2019s easy to justify our criticism and judgment because we have our own \u2018right way\u2019 as a parent, and believe \u201cwe know better\u201d. Let that go. Get curious.<\/p>\n
Remind yourself that your child is your greatest gift, and is trying their best to learn new things from their level of awareness and experiences, which are very limited compared to yours.<\/p>\n
What they need is someone who\u2019s willing to listen to their world from their perspective. \u00a0They also need common sense rules, and guidance that has an explanation they can lean into, and adopt as their own.<\/p>\n
Your WHY is the biggest piece missing for kids. Why do they need to care? What do you want them to understand? These are your values.<\/p>\n
They don\u2019t have to like it, but without understanding the value behind their actions, any way you discipline will simply be what they will work to avoid behind your back.<\/p>\n
Contrary to popular belief, punishment is not necessary for children to learn a lesson. It’s a short-term illusion to think kids learn values when fear is used as the incentive for change.<\/p>\n
Instead of seeing your child as \u2018wrong\u2019 or \u2018bad\u2019 \u2013 remind yourself that you were once a child and probably didn\u2019t wake up scheming up ways to piss off your parents, so aim to treat a child who \u2018misbehaves\u2019 as lost and trying to find their way home.<\/p>\n
Criticism and judgment create an invisible wall between you and your child. What will you share if there\u2019s a fear of judgment or criticism? Not a whole lot, and it makes it difficult to connect authentically.<\/p>\n
6) Let Go of Your Expectations<\/h4>\n
Have you ever said \u201cwhy aren\u2019t you happy? You should be happy! Look at what you have! Do you know what I had in my day?\u201d<\/p>\n
Children today feel enormous pressure because of the expectations we put on them to be happy and successful.<\/p>\n
We are living at a time when we can give so much, and children have way more opportunities, but as you know more is not necessarily better. Today we face a mental health crisis in children with increasing suicide rates, and many of our young people taking pills or in therapy unable to cope with stress and anxiety.<\/p>\n
We want the world for our children, and they suddenly feel like they have to deliver. Children want to please their parents. Expectations backfire to create a silent pressure for children to be more than what they can see in themselves.<\/p>\n
We know to encourage our children to try new things, but our approach often runs into resistance. There\u2019s a push into activities to “make them happy” so they can “perform and achieve” as opposed to just noticing “are they even happy?”<\/p>\n
Finding the kinds of experiences that really light your child up requires you slow down and pay close attention to what they are naturally drawn to, and encourage those things. That’s how they discover their passions.<\/p>\n
Your first reaction comes from why something\u2019s not working for you based on your expectations, but whatever a child chooses makes sense for what resonates with their spirit.<\/p>\n
If that choice is destructive to them (candy, shopping, their ipad), or simply destructive (smoking, processed foods or failing to study) you help to co-create choices that can work, and have limits while role modeling constructive choices.<\/p>\n
If \u00a0you want to understand your child’s experience who’s struggling to meet your expectations, try these questions:<\/p>\n
\u2022 Can you share more about that?
\n\u2022 What is that like for you?
\n\u2022 How does that feel?
\n\u2022 I\u2019m confused about why _____, can you describe what’s happening for you?
\n\u2022 Here\u2019s what I\u2019m noticing, is that right?<\/p>\n
Our expectations can block the space to share authentically because there\u2019s a need to please, a silent demand, and fear of disappointment all rolled up in the space between you.<\/p>\n
7) Build Trust<\/h4>\n
Have you ever found yourself yelling at your child to stop shouting?<\/p>\n
Have you ever sworn you wouldn\u2019t repeat what you heard growing up? Yet there it goes flying out of our mouth in those high stressed moments! We love our parents – they did their best, but know what worked for you and what didn\u2019t.<\/p>\n
Owning your own sh#* builds trust. When you take responsibility and apologize for ‘your bad’, you\u2019ll find your child one day apologizing for \u2018their bad\u2019 without you needing to say a single thing.<\/p>\n
You may think the parent role demands tough love, control, and authority, but clear guidelines mixed with compassion is so much more effective in the long run and creates a space for authenticity.<\/p>\n
When you give children the freedom to explore their world in the ways they want (age appropriately of course!) with supportive guidance and less rules \u2013 you are teaching them how to think for themselves and trust themself to make decisions.<\/p>\n
You Cannot Give a Child Too Much<\/h5>\n
It\u2019s not whether you give too much to your children that creates entitlement. It\u2019s the way you give expecting them to be grateful when no one has taught them how to appreciate what others don\u2019t have, and what they do have.<\/p>\n
Entitlement happens when you say YES, when NO was the appropriate response. It also gets role modeled if you think your child owes you something.<\/p>\n
Children do not owe us anything, period. Holding that attitude will get reflected back to you with a child who starts demanding that they are owed something from you.<\/p>\n
When you choose to give without your conditions – it will come back tenfold.<\/p>\n
Giving in <\/em>to\u00a0your children when they need you to be firm backfires because they learn how to manipulate you. They learn not to trust you because you are not trusting yourself.<\/p>\nYou\u2019ll be experiencing less temper tantrums and outright rebellion in the teen years by allowing your child to trust their authentic self, while making sure they stay safe and healthy.<\/p>\n
8) Accept Your Child as They Are<\/h4>\n
The idea of acceptance or what most of us understand as unconditional love can be one of the most confusing concepts, but it reaches the deepest part of how authentic you can ever be with your child.<\/p>\n
Have you ever noticed that the way your child drives you most crazy is the same trait you hold? It feels like a part of them you don\u2019t accept or like. If you\u2019re stubborn, that stubbornness in your child is going to set you off big-time.<\/p>\n
I would have the most grueling time with one of my daughters when she\u2019d ask for help with homework \u2013 why? I felt angry so easily being with her impatience when she couldn\u2019t figure out a problem.<\/p>\n
Her frustration triggered the part of me when I can\u2019t figure something out in my own life and I get frustrated. It was my stubbornness!<\/p>\n
The same way you struggle is exactly the way your child does, and until you own your shadows with compassionate self-acceptance, you will have a tough time connecting with the authentic part that lies beneath.<\/p>\n
We grow and heal ourselves together through our relationships.<\/p>\n
You are both the teacher and the student for each other, and as you grow together, both of you can see and release these shadows to see the light in one another.<\/p>\n
This is the sacred space where you can connect authentically with your child.<\/p>\n
In Summary<\/h4>\n
These 8 practices will help you develop the relationship<\/a> skills with your child and connect authentically given this opportunity of being home in quarantine.<\/p>\nInstead of you asking to know what’s happening in their world \u2014 suddenly your child is turning towards you. And, he\/she wants to share their exciting, genuine and sometimes painful experiences because you’ve built an authentic connection.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
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