{"id":5026,"date":"2016-04-27T03:22:26","date_gmt":"2016-04-27T10:22:26","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/carolynhidalgo.com\/\/?p=5026"},"modified":"2023-03-22T10:11:01","modified_gmt":"2023-03-22T10:11:01","slug":"what-are-you-not-saying","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/carolynhidalgo.com\/staging\/what-are-you-not-saying\/","title":{"rendered":"What Are You Not Saying?"},"content":{"rendered":"

I often find myself in conversations saying “what you just shared with me (about a loved one), DID YOU TELL THEM?” Why are you not saying to them?<\/p>\n

There’s a pause, and then invariably\u2026NO. It didn’t dawn on them to share that<\/em>.<\/p>\n

THAT totally authentic feeling of hurt\u00a0or bliss I just got to hear never got\u00a0expressed with\u00a0their<\/em> loved one.<\/p>\n

My heart\u00a0sinks\u00a0knowing WHY these genuine expressions\u00a0go silently under the radar in most relationships. I remember for years what I didn’t say<\/em> in mine.<\/p>\n

We\u00a0don’t\u00a0speak what’s in our hearts with the ones who need to hear it most. Often we don’t know HOW given\u00a0the way we’ve been relating our whole life, nor\u00a0what’s MISSING when we don’t.<\/p>\n

What’s a Relationship Really?<\/strong><\/p>\n

It’s a sacred space you co-create with someone else. It has expectations, and rules you’ve made up. It has a past that can strongly affect how you play in it now.<\/p>\n

There’s a sense of safety, and belonging we all want, but also a drive for adventure. We need this non-judgmental\u00a0space to grow, and change with others.<\/p>\n

We\u00a0have a tough time changing as it is – let alone\u00a0with someone else<\/em>. But this is the constant that nourishes our soul in relationships.<\/p>\n

It’s the strangest thing. We\u00a0aim\u00a0for world peace when we\u00a0ought to strive for\u00a0world authenticity. How do you feel? Are you happy? What are you afraid of? What do you want? Who are\u00a0you stressed at? What’s really hurting you?<\/p>\n

What’s just not working?<\/p>\n

What are you NOT\u00a0saying?<\/p>\n

How much of this<\/em>\u00a0gets shared\u00a0in your conversations?<\/p>\n

Harmony rules over authenticity in most\u00a0relationships.<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

Let’s face it – we\u00a0don’t enjoy\u00a0conflict, disappointment, or frustration. Most of us avoid it like the plague.\u00a0It’s more interesting\u00a0watching\u00a0other people’s drama in the media than deal with our own. Life can be a constant swirl of busyness, and activities.<\/p>\n

It’s challenging enough dealing with the existing frustrations.<\/p>\n

Who has time or energy\u00a0to dig\u00a0into all\u00a0that<\/em>\u00a0stuff? It\u00a0might rock the boat. Harmony is easier.<\/p>\n

But the\u00a0bigger\u00a0culprit I’ve noticed of why our authentic\u00a0words\u00a0don’t get expressed?<\/p>\n

“They wouldn’t get me.”<\/span> <\/strong><\/p>\n

If you’ve\u00a0ever felt like the ones you love\u00a0don’t get\u00a0you, but someone else does – I’d like to suggest something.<\/p>\n

What if it’s the other way around?<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

Could it be\u00a0that you don’t fully get them\u00a0because of what you’ve NOT\u00a0said?<\/em><\/p>\n

Have you given someone\u00a0the opportunity to show up fully because you’ve shared what’s really in your heart?<\/p>\n

If you’ve\u00a0given up trying to\u00a0express\u00a0what you want because “they wouldn’t get it” – how they really feel gets\u00a0concealed<\/em><\/strong>. This is the\u00a0dance of getting to the edge of BEING YOU\u00a0with someone else.<\/p>\n

How speaking up ‘<\/span>heartwise’<\/span>\u00a0<\/span>affected<\/span>\u00a0my relationships..<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n

I initially emailed what was too hard to say to my husband over a decade ago: “When you’re away, I don’t miss you anymore.” He travelled a lot for work. \u00a0It was\u00a0my dreaded “tell-tale” sign that I was ready to break-up with a past\u00a0boyfriend, and he knew it.<\/p>\n

But\u00a0that’s\u00a0exactly how I felt. \u00a0We had 3 toddlers at the time. I wrote further, “I don’t want to not miss you, so we need to address when you get home.” It’s been baby steps of a growing practice of saying what’s hard to say ever since.<\/p>\n

Being this real\u00a0over the years has come\u00a0close to breaking us apart. EVERYTHING gets put on the table when I’m forced to deal with who he is, and he with who I am.\u00a0I had to risk playing at the edge for our relationship\u00a0to\u00a0flourish\u00a0or naturally\u00a0come apart.<\/p>\n

Life is too short to settle by\u00a0me not showing up.<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

I learned the hard way that trusted friends could betray me. The moment I was willing to share\u00a0what I’d held off saying\u2026I got the rude awakening. I\u00a0allowed someone to disappoint me\u00a0because I betrayed my own inner voice.<\/p>\n

If\u00a0any of my 3 teens\u00a0are driving\u00a0me nuts, it’s ME that doesn’t get them. When I\u00a0put my reaction on the back burner, and share what I normally wouldn’t say, (“this is what hurts me”, or “I’m sorry for over-reacting – here’s what I wanted to say”). \u00a0That’s when they show me who they are.<\/p>\n

They are innocent, and needing\u00a0my inner\u00a0truth to help them speak their own. There’s a mutual respect that grows here for whatever shows up surpassing any need for punishment or even consequences.<\/p>\n

It’s empowering from a different guide: their own well-being.<\/p>\n

These days…<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

If\u00a0I’m taken aback\u00a0by someone’s behaviour it’s because what aligns within me is not being met. \u00a0Their reaction is out of my control. It’s me that doesn’t know them because I’m the one surprised.<\/p>\n

If it’s someone I love, my responsibility is to tell them what’s not ok with me for OUR relationship, while being curious about where they are coming from.<\/p>\n

You will\u00a0offend some\u00a0people\u00a0by speaking from the heart, but now it’s\u00a0real. Their reaction will be either an apology, resistance or piss off. It\u00a0gives you\u00a0everything you need to decide<\/em>.<\/p>\n

You will connect at levels you can’t imagine\u00a0when you are this\u00a0real – the best, and worst of who you are becoming\u00a0has space to\u00a0thrive.<\/p>\n

You can look back at any difficult\u00a0relationship, and notice\u00a0the spots where something felt\u00a0‘off’. It’s where you stayed\u00a0silent\u00a0instead of\u00a0speaking from\u00a0your soul.<\/p>\n

If you are\u00a0holding resentment against someone, send them a silent thank you – their contrast allowed you to\u00a0align more deeply with\u00a0who you really are.<\/p>\n

How long will you wait to share your true feelings? Will it be until…<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

The\u00a0day your spouse says “I’m not sure if I love you” or the day you are\u00a0wondering the same thing.<\/p>\n

You finally\u00a0discover\u00a0your beloved\u00a0friend is not the person you thought she was.<\/p>\n

Your child\u00a0has been hiding something you assumed they’d\u00a0tell you.<\/p>\n

A sibling or family member\u00a0has been silently blaming you for years.<\/p>\n

A\u00a0colleague\u00a0stabs you in the back.<\/p>\n

The more\u00a0you start noticing what you’re not saying, the faster you can create real connections that last, and remove or distance yourself from the ones\u00a0that drain you.<\/p>\n

Unless you speak\u00a0what’s in your heart (even if it may sadden, anger, disappoint, or hurt someone) you will not be able to see someone for who they<\/em> really are.<\/p>\n

Where You Want\u00a0to Play<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n

A sacred space opens in your relationships\u00a0when you\u00a0practice saying what\u00a0you used to keep silent. It’s here\u00a0where you are most powerful to co-create exactly what you desire.<\/p>\n

Getting here will\u00a0not be sunshine, and roses:\u00a0everyone’s inner truth\u00a0shows up you’ll be facing head on. People you thought you knew suddenly become strangers.<\/p>\n

It can feel uncomfortable being transparent. Your current circle\u00a0aren’t used to you this way, but strangers who play here become instant friends.<\/p>\n

Are you willing not to be liked – even hated? Will you stop pleasing? Are you done\u00a0settling? \u00a0Are you willing to explore, and ask for what you want, and need?<\/p>\n

What resonates with your soul becomes a must.<\/p>\n

It’s baby\u00a0steps of shifting into a\u00a0divine\u00a0space that you co-create together.<\/p>\n

That tiny space of saying what you’re not. I practice it daily, and I want you to also. Here’s HOW:<\/strong><\/p>\n