{"id":4805,"date":"2016-02-13T05:51:01","date_gmt":"2016-02-13T12:51:01","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/carolynhidalgo.com\/\/?p=4805"},"modified":"2023-03-22T10:11:20","modified_gmt":"2023-03-22T10:11:20","slug":"the-foundation-of-love-an-update","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/carolynhidalgo.com\/staging\/the-foundation-of-love-an-update\/","title":{"rendered":"The Foundation of Love"},"content":{"rendered":"

I wrote an article a while back called \u201cThe Foundation of Love<\/a><\/span>\u201d \u2013 Releasing Judgments and Expectations for Tinybuddha.com<\/a> when I first learned the destructive impact of judgment\u00a0in our\u00a0personal\u00a0relationships.<\/p>\n

I still hear from\u00a0readers where this message of living judgment-free continues to resonate.<\/p>\n

I believe it\u2019s the secret sauce to experiencing unconditional love\u00a0when no one gets attacked for being wrong with someone else\u2019s conditions of \u00a0their \u2018right\u2019 way.<\/p>\n

It transformed\u00a0the way\u00a0I could connect authentically with the people in my life.<\/p>\n

There was more freedom to be who I am, and an\u00a0opportunity to see others as they truly are.<\/span><\/p>\n

I\u2019ve become\u00a0more clear about the foundation of this elusive thing we call love, and wanted to share some deeper insights.<\/p>\n

This straight talk by relationship expert Esther Perel offers some\u00a0profound insights into why it\u2019s so difficult to hold onto the passion in our partner connection \u00a0\u2013 sexual intimacy, excitement, and joy\u00a0over time.<\/p>\n

She distinguishes between what we desire versus what we need\u00a0\u2013\u00a0where do they intersect? Stability or Adventure? Can you have both?\u00a0The\u00a0space to grow spiritually in your own skin\u00a0is so important.<\/p>\n

THE SECRET TO DESIRE IN A LONG-TERM RELATIONSHIP<\/a><\/span><\/p>\n

Although she\u2019s referring to\u00a0a partner relationship, I believe you can apply these ideas to any long-term relationship. How is your parent-child connection? What about with co-workers\u00a0or\u00a0friends? \u00a0What keeps it together?<\/p>\n

Both stability, and aliveness are necessary.<\/p>\n

There\u2019s\u00a0a misconception\u00a0about what we think loving unconditionally means, while seeking these 2 fundamentals in our relationships: what we need, and what we want.<\/p>\n

The general belief\u00a0goes:\u00a0\u201cno matter what anyone does, or how they treat us, we\u2019re supposed to love them anyway.\u201d\u00a0Not exactly.<\/p>\n

Are you ok if someone attacks you?\u00a0Are\u00a0you\u00a0supposed to be tolerant, or worse complacent? What if someone\u2019s attitude is annoying or their complaining sucks\u00a0the energy out of you? \u00a0Criticizing or judging them for showing up badly\u00a0will backfire on you. You become someone who is now attacking with your own justification.<\/p>\n

We\u2019ll all entitled to our\u00a0own negative opinion, or conclusion about\u00a0any\u00a0behaviour. <\/em>We can\u00a0disengage from it\u2019s toxic energy, but allowing its energy to set yourself up\u00a0against another person<\/em>\u00a0will come back to poison you.<\/p>\n

People won\u2019t trust you fully, and won\u2019t show up authentically. You\u2019ve shown\u00a0them that it\u2019s not safe in your energetic space when you openly criticize, and judge other people. Masks will be worn. You won\u2019t know who\u2019s trying to please you, or avoid you.<\/p>\n

When you reach\u00a0an acceptance of who you are with your perceived faults, and mistakes, and still love yourself without self-criticism or self-judgment \u2013 you develop\u00a0an enormous\u00a0capacity to create a safe space with\u00a0others.<\/p>\n

You don\u2019t have to like everything about yourself to love yourself, but being self-destructive with blame, guilt, or shame will block love from flowing.<\/p>\n

This prayer has been the wisdom for this vision\u00a0of living judgment-free:<\/p>\n

Serenity Prayer<\/strong><\/p>\n

God grant me the serenity<\/p>\n

To accept<\/em> the things I cannot change,<\/p>\n

The courage<\/em> to change the things I can,<\/p>\n

And the wisdom<\/em> to know the difference.<\/p>\n

Conditional love says\u00a0\u2018follow my way\u2019 or I\u2019ll stop loving you. You stop\u00a0bringing\u00a0love to someone by the way you treat them. Maybe its a snide remark, or deep-seated\u00a0resentment, indifference, even hate.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s conditional when criticism, and judgment are part of your relationship on either side. I need you to do it<\/strong> this way (criticism) or I need you to be<\/strong> this way (judgment) in order for me to\u00a0treat you to my\u00a0love.<\/p>\n

I still get asked\u00a0\u201cwhat are your 4 C\u2019s again\u201d? It\u2019s been a huge\u00a0challenge\u00a0to describe in words what can only be\u00a0understood\u00a0in practice! The 4 C\u2019s describe the kind of\u00a0energy you\u00a0hold when you criticize or judge that blocks love with your conditions of making someone \u2018right or\u00a0wrong\u2019.<\/p>\n

These\u00a0are\u00a0Correcting and Convincing for criticism, and Controlling and Condemning for judgment.<\/p>\n

It becomes a divisive space between you, and someone else instead of a unifying one.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Judgmental\u00a0energy creates\u00a0blind spots, especially with those closest to us because we want\u00a0them to see, and experience the world the way we do.<\/p>\n

Criticism, and judgment tends to be\u00a0lumped together as the same concept, and I had difficult clearly distinguishing them.<\/p>\n

With both<\/strong> criticism, and judgment, you are trying to change someone to behave your \u2018right way\u2019\u00a0of how you think they should behave, what they should do.<\/p>\n

We criticize.<\/span><\/p>\n

    \n
  1. I\u00a0Correct<\/em> my daughter\u2019s behaviour as if she\u2019s broken needing me to \u2018fix her\u2019\u00a0by pointing out what she\u2019s doing wrong instead of showing her how to do it right.<\/li>\n
  2. I try to Convince<\/em>\u00a0my husband that he should eat healthier providing\u00a0all kinds of information with an imposing energy that\u00a0makes him feel wrong for however he\u2019s eating.<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

    The immediate reaction will be defensiveness because no one likes being told what to do that runs against what they are currently doing. Unless they\u2019ve asked for your guidance or the space of trust, and non-judgment is present\u00a0to share your suggestions it\u2019s unwanted advice.<\/p>\n

    They simply may not be open, ready or in a place to understand.<\/p>\n

    We judge.<\/span><\/p>\n

      \n
    1. I get controlling<\/em> with the way I need something\u00a0done where I\u2019m now yelling, and forcing my child to follow my \u2018orders\u2019. It becomes a tug of war.<\/li>\n
    2. I condemn<\/em> a false friend who\u2019s\u00a0acted in ways that are\u00a0completely unacceptable to me for\u00a0how I would treat anyone\u00a0\u2013 let alone a friend. There\u2019s resentful energy in me that\u2019s judgmental I need\u00a0to\u00a0release.<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

      I can justify the way I feel to stand up for my values, but the contrast is also necessary to give me a stronger\u00a0picture of who I am, and who I am not.<\/p>\n

      To\u00a0be in serenity<\/strong> is to accept that I cannot change someone who is choosing to behave in ways I don\u2019t like. That\u2019s a choice they make, and allowing them to choose gives me a new found freedom. I get to choose not to\u00a0receive their negative gifts\u00a0by how I show up.<\/p>\n

      Self-criticism will lead to feelings of guilt (doing wrong).<\/p>\n

      Self-judgment will lead to feelings of shame (being wrong).<\/p>\n

      Your \u2018inner critic\u2019 is not your discerning voice, neither is your \u2018inner judge\u2019. These come from your ego that lives from fear. Your objective mind, and soul jointly discern\u00a0what\u2019s \u2018right, and wrong\u2019 for you from a loving, and logical place within.<\/p>\n

      You can sense it\u2019s leading voice by its nature of seeking these 3 values: truth, beauty, and goodness.<\/p>\n

      Without criticism or judgment, the space is wide open to be yourself. To love, and be loved unconditionally. It\u2019s magical. And you have a safe space to disagree where the discourse will be real without the drama : )<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

      I wrote an article a while back called \u201cThe Foundation of Love\u201d \u2013 Releasing Judgments and Expectations for Tinybuddha.com when I first learned the destructive impact of judgment\u00a0in our\u00a0personal\u00a0relationships. I still hear from\u00a0readers where this message of living judgment-free continues to resonate. I believe it\u2019s the secret sauce to experiencing unconditional love\u00a0when no one gets […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":5598,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_mo_disable_npp":"","_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[55,54,53,52],"tags":[141],"class_list":["post-4805","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-authenticity-truth","category-conflict-communication","category-criticism-judgment","category-love-connection","tag-foundation-of-love"],"acf":[],"aioseo_notices":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/carolynhidalgo.com\/staging\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4805","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/carolynhidalgo.com\/staging\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/carolynhidalgo.com\/staging\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/carolynhidalgo.com\/staging\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/carolynhidalgo.com\/staging\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=4805"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/carolynhidalgo.com\/staging\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4805\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":9379,"href":"https:\/\/carolynhidalgo.com\/staging\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4805\/revisions\/9379"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/carolynhidalgo.com\/staging\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/5598"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/carolynhidalgo.com\/staging\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=4805"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/carolynhidalgo.com\/staging\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=4805"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/carolynhidalgo.com\/staging\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=4805"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}