use your\u00a0disappointments to grow together<\/strong> is the secret to a lasting\u00a0healthy connection. With friends – we get to choose, and question – are we bringing out the best in each other\u00a0or does\u00a0this disappointment signal we’re growing apart?<\/p>\nWe have less choice when it comes to\u00a0the family we were born into, including\u00a0the\u00a0built-in ‘familiar culture’ of what’s acceptable,\u00a0so this is where we can feel most disappointed because it’s here we often want, but don’t have space to be ourselves.<\/p>\n
There’s no requirement that you have to spend oodles of time with your family. Sometimes saying no to family gatherings\u00a0is a great choice, or\u00a0keeping a healthy surface relationship\u00a0is an option if they drain you!<\/p>\n
But for the ones you choose to surround yourself with – the\u00a0cost of holding back your true self when disappointment shows up is what shuts down\u00a0the opportunity to\u00a0grow together because you are choosing not to let this person into your soul – the heart of what matters to you.<\/p>\n
Spiritual growth is the spark that keeps<\/h3>\nyour connections loving, alive and well.<\/h3>\n
Is there a safe space to share your anger? Your sadness or while facing disappointment or is the reaction you’re getting (blame, and judgment) blocking you from communicating what’s authentic?<\/p>\n
I ask myself: does this person believe in me? To what extent? Do they see who I am at my core? Have I done my best to communicate, and LISTEN in a way that was safe for the other person to share what’s going on for them? Do I understand what\u00a0drives them, and what they stand for? Is it in alignment with who I am? The answers to these questions have helped me know when to walk away, distance myself, and consciously manage whatever space exists between us.<\/p>\n
There’s a strong tendency to\u00a0accomodate what isn’t working for us because anyone\u00a0we care about\u00a0can easily justify\u00a0their behaviour, and we tell ourselves “its because I love this person, and need to accept them unconditionally\u00a0–\u00a0I can’t change them.” NO – this is not what it means to love unconditionally!<\/p>\n
There a slight, but massive distinction<\/strong> between choosing to accept, and love\u00a0what you don’t agree with, knowing\u00a0you both face\u00a0the same direction while trusting you have each other’s back no matter what ugliness shows up. We don’t necessarily grow at the same pace, AND we experience life differently, so instead of ‘putting up with’ or ‘accommodating with resentment’, the energy of unconditional love is one of serenity not sacrifice of what you cannot change (how someone else responds that disappoints us).<\/p>\nWhen someone disappoints you, and their justification is: “I do this because I love you. I think this way because I worry about you or I don’t worry because I trust you. I need this, and it will only take a moment!” Look deeper.<\/p>\n
Answer these questions for\u00a0yourself: \u00a0Does love feel like that for you? Does worrying make sense in that situation? Is this a moment you are willing to\u00a0give or are you being imposed upon? Check within\u00a0– is this working for me? If not, speak up, and share WHY\u00a0it’s not.<\/p>\n
Feeling disappointed your partner is acting in a way you’ve talked about a hundred times? If it keeps repeating, the true feelings under the\u00a0disappointment are\u00a0not being addressed nor understood. Is it disrespect? Loneliness? Lack of connection? Something keeps getting stepped on.<\/p>\n
Defining HOW you value something is critical when\u00a0you feel disappointed. What are you not ok with? Defining the boundaries, and determining what’s reasonable is a necessary, but often painful process\u00a0to walk through.<\/p>\n
Rob & Kristen Bell in their\u00a0new book “The Zim Zum of Love” provide a great perspective to hold during disappointing situations.\u00a0\u00a0Your partner gives you another set of eyes. Be\u00a0in a space of gratitude for your different perspectives, and ask ‘help me see what I’m not seeing’.<\/p>\n
I used to get frustrated, when my husband wouldn’t\u00a0call me when he\u00a0arrived at a destination during his business travels. It felt\u00a0disrespectful because I cared about his\u00a0safety. His logic was “unless you hear otherwise, just assume I’m fine! I forget or I was busy trying to get to a meeting etc.”<\/p>\n
I pushed back, and kept reminding him because I’d explained my WHY, and now had expectations, which led to facing disappointment. So after many years of asking, and reminding, I stopped so I no longer needed to feel disappointed or worry about his safety. I gave into what worked for him even though it didn’t work for me. The cost? A part of me stopped caring, and became apathetic when he travelled.<\/p>\n
I also stopped calling\u00a0when I’d reach a destination, since it wasn’t relevant for him. Why bother letting him know when he assumes I’ll be fine? \u00a0It worked for him, but there was a disconnect we weren’t addressing. One day I\u00a0told him the truth, “I no longer miss you when you travel.” Was he\u00a0OK with that?<\/p>\n
It didn’t feel right within me – plus I was starting to get attention from other people I needed to feel connected\u00a0so the real conversation began. Many more followed – a roller coaster ride – not just on this topic, but many others because how you do one thing is how you do everything. Today I\u00a0get the text he’s not only arrived, but a “luv u” to top it off!\u00a0Needless to say,\u00a0we stay more connected during his travel days\u00a0: )<\/p>\n
To test a value, I will sometimes\u00a0replace a situation of disagreement\u00a0with our children. Would you be ok if our child decides not let us know when they’ve reached their destination? Would you be ok if our child started\u00a0smoking occasionally in social settings, but not at home? Would you be ok if our child used that tone of voice with you?<\/p>\n
With those closest to us, we’re invested in growing together, which means sharing your genuine emotions, and dealing with them head on. There will be times we must\u00a0agree to disagree, and\u00a0allow each of us to be ourselves without condemning one another, but\u00a0now our expectations will match\u00a0who they are, not who we want them to be.<\/p>\n
How Willing to Face Your Disappointments Helps<\/h3>\n
Being willing to face your disappointments on both sides opens up what you both need. Listening to where we may be disappointing others<\/a>\u00a0without judging ourselves as wrong, and voicing what\u00a0needs\u00a0are\u00a0not\u00a0being met without\u00a0making someone else wrong opens the door to grow authentically together.<\/p>\nYou want to be loved for who you are not who you need to be for others. You also want to love someone for who they are not who you need them to be. This is the dance of unconditional love that your disappoints can illuminate.<\/p>\n
Your\u00a0greatest gift shows up here – a deeper love, and connection – emotionally, mentally, and intimately (spiritually, and with your partner – sexually!) because it allows you to fully show up in all the ways you can give, and receive : )<\/p>\n
What are you willing to say you need? What are you not expressing that isn’t working for you? Share in the comments below.<\/p>\n
If you liked this article, please click like button to help share this message!<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
The Right Way to Facing Disappointment Once you recognize\u00a0your ego’s fears from my last post:\u00a0What’s Underneath Your Disappointment, you may be wondering – how do you not feel internal stress, or pain when facing disappointment, and stand up for what matters to you? Facing disappointment around circumstances requires that practice of taking responsibility that we […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_mo_disable_npp":"","_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[52],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-4069","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-love-connection"],"acf":[],"aioseo_notices":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/carolynhidalgo.com\/staging\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4069","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/carolynhidalgo.com\/staging\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/carolynhidalgo.com\/staging\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/carolynhidalgo.com\/staging\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/carolynhidalgo.com\/staging\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=4069"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/carolynhidalgo.com\/staging\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4069\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":9391,"href":"https:\/\/carolynhidalgo.com\/staging\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4069\/revisions\/9391"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/carolynhidalgo.com\/staging\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=4069"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/carolynhidalgo.com\/staging\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=4069"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/carolynhidalgo.com\/staging\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=4069"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}