use your\u00a0disappointments to grow together<\/strong> is the secret to a lasting\u00a0healthy connection. With friends \u2013 we get to choose, and question \u2013 are we bringing out the best in each other\u00a0or does\u00a0this disappointment signal we\u2019re growing apart?<\/p>\nWe have less choice when it comes to\u00a0the family we were born into, including\u00a0the\u00a0built-in \u2018familiar culture\u2019 of what\u2019s acceptable,\u00a0so this is where we can feel most disappointed because it\u2019s here we often want, but don\u2019t have space to be ourselves.<\/p>\n
There\u2019s no requirement that you have to spend oodles of time with your family. Sometimes saying no to family gatherings\u00a0is a great choice, or\u00a0keeping a healthy surface relationship\u00a0is an option if they drain you!<\/p>\n
But for the ones you choose to surround yourself with \u2013 the\u00a0cost of holding back your true self when disappointment shows up is what shuts down\u00a0the opportunity to\u00a0grow together because you are choosing not to let this person into your soul \u2013 the heart of what matters to you.<\/p>\n
Spiritual growth is the spark that keeps<\/h3>\nyour connections loving, alive and well.<\/h3>\n
Is there a safe space to share your anger? Your sadness or while facing disappointment or is the reaction you\u2019re getting (blame, and judgment) blocking you from communicating what\u2019s authentic?<\/p>\n
I ask myself: does this person believe in me? To what extent? Do they see who I am at my core? Have I done my best to communicate, and LISTEN in a way that was safe for the other person to share what\u2019s going on for them? Do I understand what\u00a0drives them, and what they stand for? Is it in alignment with who I am? The answers to these questions have helped me know when to walk away, distance myself, and consciously manage whatever space exists between us.<\/p>\n
There\u2019s a strong tendency to\u00a0accomodate what isn\u2019t working for us because anyone\u00a0we care about\u00a0can easily justify\u00a0their behaviour, and we tell ourselves \u201cits because I love this person, and need to accept them unconditionally\u00a0\u2013\u00a0I can\u2019t change them.\u201d NO \u2013 this is not what it means to love unconditionally!<\/p>\n
There a slight, but massive distinction<\/strong> between choosing to accept, and love\u00a0what you don\u2019t agree with, knowing\u00a0you both face\u00a0the same direction while trusting you have each other\u2019s back no matter what ugliness shows up. We don\u2019t necessarily grow at the same pace, AND we experience life differently, so instead of \u2018putting up with\u2019 or \u2018accommodating with resentment\u2019, the energy of unconditional love is one of serenity not sacrifice of what you cannot change (how someone else responds that disappoints us).<\/p>\nWhen someone disappoints you, and their justification is: \u201cI do this because I love you. I think this way because I worry about you or I don\u2019t worry because I trust you. I need this, and it will only take a moment!\u201d Look deeper.<\/p>\n
Answer these questions for\u00a0yourself: \u00a0Does love feel like that for you? Does worrying make sense in that situation? Is this a moment you are willing to\u00a0give or are you being imposed upon? Check within\u00a0\u2013 is this working for me? If not, speak up, and share WHY\u00a0it\u2019s not.<\/p>\n
Feeling disappointed your partner is acting in a way you\u2019ve talked about a hundred times? If it keeps repeating, the true feelings under the\u00a0disappointment are\u00a0not being addressed nor understood. Is it disrespect? Loneliness? Lack of connection? Something keeps getting stepped on.<\/p>\n
Defining HOW you value something is critical when\u00a0you feel disappointed. What are you not ok with? Defining the boundaries, and determining what\u2019s reasonable is a necessary, but often painful process\u00a0to walk through.<\/p>\n
Rob & Kristen Bell in their\u00a0new book \u201cThe Zim Zum of Love\u201d provide a great perspective to hold during disappointing situations.\u00a0\u00a0Your partner gives you another set of eyes. Be\u00a0in a space of gratitude for your different perspectives, and ask \u2018help me see what I\u2019m not seeing\u2019.<\/p>\n
I used to get frustrated, when my husband wouldn\u2019t\u00a0call me when he\u00a0arrived at a destination during his business travels. It felt\u00a0disrespectful because I cared about his\u00a0safety. His logic was \u201cunless you hear otherwise, just assume I\u2019m fine! I forget or I was busy trying to get to a meeting etc.\u201d<\/p>\n
I pushed back, and kept reminding him because I\u2019d explained my WHY, and now had expectations, which led to facing disappointment. So after many years of asking, and reminding, I stopped so I no longer needed to feel disappointed or worry about his safety. I gave into what worked for him even though it didn\u2019t work for me. The cost? A part of me stopped caring, and became apathetic when he travelled.<\/p>\n
I also stopped calling\u00a0when I\u2019d reach a destination, since it wasn\u2019t relevant for him. Why bother letting him know when he assumes I\u2019ll be fine? \u00a0It worked for him, but there was a disconnect we weren\u2019t addressing. One day I\u00a0told him the truth, \u201cI no longer miss you when you travel.\u201d Was he\u00a0OK with that?<\/p>\n
It didn\u2019t feel right within me \u2013 plus I was starting to get attention from other people I needed to feel connected\u00a0so the real conversation began. Many more followed \u2013 a roller coaster ride \u2013 not just on this topic, but many others because how you do one thing is how you do everything. Today I\u00a0get the text he\u2019s not only arrived, but a \u201cluv u\u201d to top it off!\u00a0Needless to say,\u00a0we stay more connected during his travel days\u00a0: )<\/p>\n
To test a value, I will sometimes\u00a0replace a situation of disagreement\u00a0with our children. Would you be ok if our child decides not let us know when they\u2019ve reached their destination? Would you be ok if our child started\u00a0smoking occasionally in social settings, but not at home? Would you be ok if our child used that tone of voice with you?<\/p>\n
With those closest to us, we\u2019re invested in growing together, which means sharing your genuine emotions, and dealing with them head on. There will be times we must\u00a0agree to disagree, and\u00a0allow each of us to be ourselves without condemning one another, but\u00a0now our expectations will match\u00a0who they are, not who we want them to be.<\/p>\n
How Willing to Face Your Disappointments Helps<\/h3>\n
Being willing to face your disappointments on both sides opens up what you both need. Listening to where we may be disappointing others<\/a>\u00a0without judging ourselves as wrong, and voicing what\u00a0needs\u00a0are\u00a0not\u00a0being met without\u00a0making someone else wrong opens the door to grow authentically together.<\/p>\nYou want to be loved for who you are not who you need to be for others. You also want to love someone for who they are not who you need them to be. This is the dance of unconditional love that your disappoints can illuminate.<\/p>\n
Your\u00a0greatest gift shows up here \u2013 a deeper love, and connection \u2013 emotionally, mentally, and intimately (spiritually, and with your partner \u2013 sexually!) because it allows you to fully show up in all the ways you can give, and receive : )<\/p>\n
What are you willing to say you need? What are you not expressing that isn\u2019t working for you? Share in the comments below.<\/p>\n
If you liked this article, please click like button to help share this message!<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
The Right Way to Facing Disappointment Once you recognize\u00a0your ego\u2019s fears from my last post:\u00a0What\u2019s Underneath Your Disappointment, you may be wondering \u2013 how do you not feel internal stress, or pain when facing disappointment, and stand up for what matters to you? Facing disappointment around circumstances requires that practice of taking responsibility that we […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_mo_disable_npp":"","_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[52],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-4069","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-love-connection"],"acf":[],"aioseo_notices":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/carolynhidalgo.com\/staging\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4069","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/carolynhidalgo.com\/staging\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/carolynhidalgo.com\/staging\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/carolynhidalgo.com\/staging\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/carolynhidalgo.com\/staging\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=4069"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/carolynhidalgo.com\/staging\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4069\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":9391,"href":"https:\/\/carolynhidalgo.com\/staging\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4069\/revisions\/9391"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/carolynhidalgo.com\/staging\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=4069"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/carolynhidalgo.com\/staging\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=4069"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/carolynhidalgo.com\/staging\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=4069"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}