When my husband forgets to do something I\u2019ve asked several times, or treats me in a way that lacks consideration, I feel hurt, sometimes even abandoned. I start thinking he must not care, doesn\u2019t love me the way I love him, can be selfish. In short \u2013 he is doing something \u2018not ok\u2019 for me, and should<\/em> know better.<\/p>\n This thinking has me blaming him for how I feel \u2013 my hurt, anger, frustration, or disappointment is his fault. It shows up in my tone, and expressions of \u2018how could you not remember? How could you not get that\u2026.\u2019 I\u2019m in a state of \u2018what\u2019s wrong with you?\u2019 against some way he\u2019s chosen to be. It immediately sends him into \u2018self-blame\u2019, and automatic apologies that aren\u2019t genuine. Occasionally there is defensiveness to justify his behaviour, which only escalates the conflict. He just wants to stop the pain he is now feeling, and there is no real resolution to the actual issue. It can go as far as him going into despair that has no opportunity to heal where I am now the cause of his pain.<\/p>\n Instead when I tap into my own hurt, what\u2019s really bothering me is something deeper. His forgetting means what I\u2019ve said several times didn\u2019t register with him otherwise he would remember next time or genuinely apologize without me telling him to! We don\u2019t live from the same \u2018inside perspective\u2019 where what matters to me, matters to him. If I can\u2019t identify exactly what\u2019s bothering me, he doesn\u2019t have an opportunity to discuss whether that value is something he wants to shift, disagrees with, or even understands so nothing changes. He doesn\u2019t get me.<\/p>\n He\u2019ll forget to tell me when he has to work another week in the U.S. because he gets very focused on getting things done, and doesn\u2019t seem to remember his work schedule affects me. He doesn\u2019t separate the whites, but wants to help me with laundry. He forgets to call me when he decides to pick up groceries to see what I need. I\u2019m grateful that he is dedicated, helpful at home AND there are things that aren\u2019t working for me I need to communicate.<\/p>\n When I can share my genuine hurt, I recognize my own feelings belongs to me because of who I am inside. Any anger, frustration, and often disappointment \u2013 all belongs to me for something I value not being met. How can it be someone else\u2019s fault for who I am? Any pain I\u2019m feeling comes from my own sense of what\u2019s right for me, and how I would behave in the same circumstances that isn\u2019t happening.<\/p>\n So when my husband forgets to call from the grocery store \u2013 it still bothers me. He travels about 80% of the time so being a virtual single parent to our 3 kids while juggling my own career, an unnecessary trip to the grocery store makes a difference. What hurts is a lack of consideration for my time. It feels disrespectful that he doesn\u2019t bother to call me. I\u2019ve made it a rule \u201cno matter what \u2013 whenever you are at a grocery store, just call me\u201d, but he still forgets sometimes. I do remind him, and when he doesn\u2019t remember I have to remind myself \u2018he\u2019s just being who he is.\u2019 It\u2019s not intentional.<\/p>\n It still bothers me because my time is valuable to me, but my practice is letting go of any blame. When my time becomes valuable to him, that\u2019s when it will change. Until then I have to accept this is \u2018how it is\u2019, and he\u2019s doing his best. We can move in the same direction because he agrees it would be better to avoid a second trip to the grocery store, and he wants to value my time. Sometimes he\u2019ll offer to go back out again for what I needed, which is now his<\/em> time! Slowly things move in the direction I need them to go where our shared value: respect for each other\u2019s time is being honoured.<\/p>\n We all have expectations, which are really just ways we want other people to be based on our own moral codes of conduct. Until you can see each other\u2019s different \u2018right ways\u2019 for what they really are, there is no hope to align yourselves in a way that allows you to grow together. It\u2019s a bumpy ride when you speak what matters to you, and can get really messy because the blaming gets mixed with genuine hurt, and blocks what\u2019s underneath. But as you begin to separate these what really matters comes into focus, and you can let go of the blaming.<\/p>\n Your genuine hurt are the emotions that connect you back to who you are however painful. Feeling these empower you to stand up for what you believe in.<\/p>\n Blame masking hurt believes someone else is causing your pain. You lose the space to choose, learn, and grow. Instead you feel a need to \u2018teach someone a lesson\u2019 or \u2018punish\u2019 with guilt or shame. These emotions separate you from yourself, and others. It escalates conflict where both sides lose. Your egos will be fighting each other, and there\u2019s no winning that battle.<\/p>\n The reality is none of us are perfectly aligned with anyone \u2013 there is a gap and working to mange the space between you is the only way to effectively manage your conflicts. It\u2019s the secret to deeper connection. Love seeks to understand, and comes from a compassionate place, without blame. Any hurt that shows up here is coming from your own self-love for what you value. Any blame (that comes from fear) will lead you to drama, stuckness, and conflicts that never seem to get resolved.<\/p>\n Ask yourself: What exactly am I not ok with when it comes to ______ behaviour? This is the \u2018real work\u2019 of any relationship \u2013 being true to yourself with someone else. \u00a0Be open to what\u2019s true for someone else by asking \u2018what\u2019s not working for you?\u2019 It\u2019s not about giving in, putting up with, having to sacrifice. That\u2019s when you slowly give up on yourself, and begin to lose who you are.<\/p>\n What are you willing to stand up for? The parts of you that you love (eg. self-respect, your passions, connection, spiritual growth etc.) needs to stay intact for your own well-being. It\u2019s not about being selfish, its \u2018to thine own self be true\u2019. Don\u2019t let others change you. Don\u2019t make others change for you. And be willing to grow in ways that you cannot see. When you can be you, and allow others to be who they are, this is the space that allows us to be the change in creating healthier, happier, more authentic relationships. That\u2019s when the kind of love you deserve begins to unfold, and the levels you can experience of intimacy, and connection from here are just the beginning.<\/p>\n P.S. Moments after I posted this blog, my husband arrived home from the grocery store (didn\u2019t know he was going after picking up our son, nope \u2013 no phone call, but he picked up these flowers for no reason other than knowing I love yellow flowers, sunflowers in particular\u2026) How can I feel anything, but gratitude even when he forgets? This is how our love continues to grow..and I will have to make a trip to the groceries this week I could have avoided. It just is what it is\u2026<\/p>\n
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