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<\/a><\/p>\nRenowned children’s book author, Theodor Seuss Geisel <\/b>better\u00a0<\/b>known as”Dr. Seuss<\/strong>” \u00a0was not actually a doctor (prefix was his humorous way to lend credibility to his work). He did not have children, began as a cartoonist, and inspired to write to help children’s literacy. He was shy, had a fear of public speaking, and his first wife committed suicide. How well do you truly<\/strong> know someone? Do you have the space to share <\/strong>who you are? Do they feel seen and heard in a society?<\/p>\nI was the little girl who never raised her hand in class, and whose report cards year after year said \u201cCarolyn needs to participate more in class.\u201d What was I afraid<\/strong> of? Having the wrong<\/strong> answer. My parents being physicians placed a heavy focus on education particularly the maths and sciences : )<\/p>\nGrowing up, I would hear \u201chow can you not know that?\u201d\u00a0Knowledge<\/strong> (as opposed to wisdom <\/strong>gained from experience) was expected<\/strong> to be understood quickly, and easily. My inner critic (ego<\/strong>) would say \u201cwhat\u2019s wrong<\/strong> with you? You should<\/strong> know that!\u201d My inner judge (more ego<\/strong>) would say \u201cyou must be stupid<\/strong>.\u201d I was terrified of being wrong<\/strong>.<\/p>\n“I’m afraid that some times\u00a0you’ll play lonely games too.\u00a0<\/strong><\/em><\/address>\nGames you can’t win\u00a0’cause you’ll play against you.\u201d <\/strong>~Dr. Seuss<\/em><\/address>\nI was most curious<\/strong> about\u00a0understanding<\/strong>\u00a0people<\/strong>, enjoyed writing<\/strong>,\u00a0and wanted to help solve\u00a0problems<\/strong> in\u00a0relationships<\/strong>. Instead I followed what\u00a0seemed sensible<\/strong>, and became a Chartered Accountant. Sooo not me! My husband on the other hand enjoys working with numbers<\/strong>, and as a financial executive has an outlet for his drive to overcome obstacles<\/strong>, and get results<\/strong> in the corporate environment. We are all uniquely gifted with different<\/strong> needs, and desires. There is no one right<\/strong> way.<\/p>\nToday I recognize my inner critic\/judge comes from fear<\/strong>, not my heart<\/strong> where there\u2019s a self-love<\/strong> filled with compassion, understanding, and my “truth”. There\u2019s kindness, and respect towards myself where I feel whole<\/strong>. It\u2019s where I can be<\/strong> who I am, and say what I feel<\/strong>. It\u2019s a freedom<\/strong> like no other that you discover as you begin to let go<\/strong> of your inner critic\/judge (ego), and begin to tap into your authentic voice<\/strong>.<\/p>\nSometimes in the early mornings, I feel a vibration<\/strong> in my hands, and abdomen when I\u2019m speaking what\u2019s true<\/strong> for me. Insights (“in-spirit-<\/strong>ation”) flows in that I recognize as an inner resonance<\/strong> with my own spirit<\/strong>. It starts with trusting your intuition<\/strong> instead of worrying what “your everyone\u201d says you should<\/strong> think.<\/p>\nYou manage 4 different kinds of energy<\/strong>: physical, mental, emotional<\/em>, and at the centre of your being: spiritual<\/em> energy (love, truth, and goodness<\/strong>).<\/p>\n\u201cWe are not human beings having a spiritual experience. <\/strong><\/em><\/address>\nWe are spiritual beings having a human experience.\u201d\u00a0<\/strong><\/em><\/address>\n~Pierre Teilhard de Chardin<\/address>\nYou are responsible<\/strong>, and have control over the energy<\/strong> you hold, and send out to others. When someone is\u00a0arrogant <\/strong>or complains<\/strong> it\u2019s coming from their ego<\/strong>, and known as the \u201cvictim mentality<\/strong>\u201d. \u201cMy life sucks\u201d (poor me) or what seems like the opposite<\/strong> “I expect, or demand you follow my way”<\/strong>\u00a0(superiority\/self-righteousness). \u00a0You believe someone is causing<\/strong> your pain (blame), or you need others to know how extraordinary<\/strong>\u00a0you are (the “exaggerators”, and “all about me” types). \u00a0It’s a way for the\u00a0ego<\/strong> to have validation as the ‘victim<\/strong>‘ or ‘hero<\/strong>‘ because underneath lies a hidden fear<\/strong>: I am not ______ enough (good, smart, funny, thin etc.). This energy is low<\/strong>, draining<\/strong>, and separates<\/strong> you from your true<\/strong> self.<\/p>\nWhen you feel sorry<\/strong> for someone who’s in this space, it\u2019s disempowering<\/strong>. It\u2019s the pity party that will drain<\/strong> you both, and often pulls you into complaining about your own life. You end up inviting someone to share in a destructive energy<\/strong> that keeps you stuck, and leads to gossip<\/strong>, taking things personally<\/strong>, and drama<\/strong>.<\/p>\nOn the contrary, when you are connected to your true self<\/strong>, any difficulty or struggle you face will bring up your\u00a0authentic<\/strong> emotions, which requires\u00a0courage<\/strong> to be vulnerable <\/strong>to what you’re really feeling. It will reveal<\/strong> what\u2019s buried underneath<\/strong> any despair, blaming, and complaining. It may be sadness, anger, loneliness, or a feeling of not being loved or good enough – emotions that are difficult to be with<\/strong>, but reflects our true essence.<\/p>\nWhen you allow yourself to be with emotions<\/strong> of your heart <\/strong>without any judgment <\/strong>(making yourself wrong), you will re-connect<\/strong> back to your true self in a way that allows you to grow<\/strong>, and move forward positively<\/strong>. We can unknowingly avoid<\/strong> this place within, but these become the growing pain<\/strong>s that are our\u00a0blessings in disguise<\/strong>. When you share<\/strong> with someone whose intentions<\/strong> you can\u00a0trust <\/strong>(no ego), you will grow together<\/strong>, and feel a deeper connection<\/strong>. It is a bumpy<\/strong> ride, but the only way to evolve, learn, and grow into who you are meant to become<\/strong>.<\/p>\n\u201cWhen you’re in a slump,\u00a0you’re not in for much fun.\u00a0<\/strong><\/em><\/address>\nUn-slumping yourself\u00a0is not easily done.\u201d <\/strong>~Dr Seuss<\/em><\/address>\nWhy is it so hard<\/strong> to live true to yourself?\u00a0In a nutshell: fear of other people\u2019s reaction<\/strong>. We don\u2019t want to hurt, anger, sadden, or offend someone. The wall<\/strong> comes up, and the mask<\/strong> goes on. We hold onto a myth<\/strong> that keeps us stuck<\/strong>: I am causing<\/strong> other people\u2019s hurt, frustration, disappointment, or despair.<\/p>\nHow anyone reacts is based on who they are<\/strong>, which stems from their values, perspective, upbringing<\/strong> – living from their state of consciousness<\/strong>. You don\u2019t have power<\/strong> over who someone is<\/strong> (how they choose to react) – thank goodness!! You only have the power to change how you respond<\/strong>, and the choices<\/strong> you make.<\/p>\nTo stand in your own truth, and self-manage<\/strong> your inner critic\/judge (ego) requires a paradigm shift<\/strong>. Remember the cartoon of the angel\/devil<\/strong> on your shoulder telling you what you should<\/strong> do? We believe<\/strong> there\u2019s a good guy and bad guy, right person and wrong person, better one and worse one. What if this thinking<\/strong> wasn’t true?<\/p>\nNotice that both sides of \u2018right and wrong<\/strong>\u2019 when they are imposed<\/strong> come from fear<\/strong>. Your inner critic finds fault and ends up correcting<\/strong> and convincing<\/strong> someone with your \u2018right way\u2019. Your inner judge stands in a place of superiority<\/strong> looking down on someone with contempt<\/strong>, and will try to control<\/strong> or change<\/strong> someone to follow your \u2018right way\u2019.<\/p>\nYour true voice, the\u00a0light of who you are<\/strong> comes from love (the Divine Spark<\/strong> within all of us) that\u2019s not only connected to the higher Universal Consciousness<\/strong> (God, the Divine, whatever you want to call it), it is the energetic spiritual force that connects<\/strong> us all. You can choose to live from a spiritual place of love or fear<\/strong> and transcend the place of\u00a0right or wrong<\/strong>.<\/p>\nAm I criticizing or judging (making someone wrong<\/strong> with my energy)?<\/p>\nThere are 4 ways<\/strong> energy is held in the space between 2 “people” (including you with your self!) that will break down your ability to be authentic<\/strong>, and render a connection on some level \u2018superficial<\/strong>\u2019 or what I call \u2018surface dwelling<\/strong>\u2019 because there\u2019s a fear (lack of trust) that the ego\u2019s inner critic or judgmental voice will condemn<\/strong> you.<\/p>\nGuilt<\/strong>\u00a0stems from self-judgment.\u00a0Unforgiveness<\/strong>\u00a0comes from holding judgment against someone. Both hold an\u00a0energy<\/strong>\u00a0of resentment, disgust or anger that becomes a\u00a0spiritual poison<\/strong>\u00a0within you.These tie in to the top 4 ways that end a marriage described by relationship expert John Gottman as the \u201cFour Horsemen\u201d \u2013 click here<\/a> for a summary.<\/p>\n1) The Energy of Judgment (Contempt)<\/strong><\/p>\nImagine you are at an event, and a woman (or man) walks in, dressed horribly in your opinion<\/strong>. She is loud, and obnoxious in your perspective<\/strong> with an annoying accent. You immediately feel bothered, and think \u201cwho invited her<\/em>? She shouldn’t be here!\u201d Within you is an energy of contempt towards this person \u2013 looking down from a superior place of \u201cI\u2019m better\u201d. Their attire, and manner of speaking has you judging her as less worthy, worse or inferior to you. This is what it feels like<\/strong> to judge someone.<\/p>\n2) The Energy of Criticism<\/strong> (Finding Fault)<\/strong><\/p>\nCriticism would have you notice this woman’s attire was poorly designed, perhaps doesn\u2019t fit properly leading you to hold an energy of \u201cthey should<\/strong> know how to dress properly – what\u2019s wrong<\/strong> with them?\u201d There\u2019s an energy of blaming<\/strong> this person for being a \u2018bad<\/strong> dresser\u2019. You don’t necessarily see the person as inferior to you so the destructive energy is not as strong as the contempt you feel with judgment, but instead point out their perceived faults.<\/p>\n3) The Energy of Defensiveness<\/strong> (Reacting back from a perceived attack where you\u2019re the victim)<\/strong><\/p>\nIf this woman approaches you after you were being judgmental, and critical towards her in your thoughts, and feeling your energy she says angrily \u201cwhy are you looking at me like that?\u201d You may react defensively raising your voice with \u201cwho do you think you are?\u201d instead of taking responsibility for the energy you were holding against her.<\/p>\n
4) The Energy of Stone-walling<\/strong> (Harbouring Resentment)<\/strong><\/p>\nIf you are criticizing, or judging this person, but say nothing, your energy of disapproval will be noticeable in the \u2018stoney silent treatment\u2019. The other person will feel this energy as you pulling away, or being distant in a way that is not \u2018neutral’.<\/p>\n
What if you honestly believe<\/strong> someone is dressed horribly? This is your true\u00a0opinion <\/strong>based on\u00a0your ideals. It happens to be negative<\/strong>, and you are entitled<\/strong> to your own perspective of anything \u2013 positive or negative<\/strong>. What’s unhealthy for your relationships is imposing your \u2018negative \u00a0ideals\u2019 onto others with any of the above 4 energies of making\u00a0someone wrong<\/strong> because others are similarly entitled to follow their values.<\/p>\n\u201cToday you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You.\u201d\u00a0<\/em><\/strong>
\n~Dr. Seuss<\/em><\/p>\nProjecting your ideals onto someone is\u00a0destructive<\/strong>\u00a0to your relationships because on a deeper level we are all connected<\/strong>, and no one can ever walk in anyone’s shoes to truly understand from their birth to who they have become that gives you the right to judge them as ‘being wrong<\/strong>‘. That is their spiritual path<\/strong>, and their lessons<\/strong> to learn unless they are asking for your honest opinion (seeking help) which would be constructive feedback<\/strong>.<\/p>\nYou can certainly condemn the choices<\/strong> others make that don’t work for you, and stand up for what you believe in, but who they are<\/strong> is a human being<\/strong> just like you trying to find their way. What they need is compassion<\/strong> not judgment<\/strong>, and often a way<\/strong> to heal<\/strong> with consequences that teach them how to take responsibility<\/strong> as opposed to being punished<\/strong>.<\/p>\nThere will be times when some things are better left\u00a0unsaid<\/strong>\u00a0because someone is\u00a0not ready<\/strong>\u00a0to receive your truth without their\u00a0ego<\/strong> showing up. Or he\/she is not willing to be seen or heard. Your ego<\/strong>\u00a0will tend to show up in response to another ego, which creates\u00a0conflict, drama<\/strong>, and\u00a0unnecessary suffering<\/strong>\u00a0(egos love battling it out), and you’ll want<\/strong> to consider creating a healthy distance away from their ego. Many\u00a0love drama<\/strong>, which can be “addictively entertaining”, but doesn’t allow for growth : )<\/p>\n11 Ways to Practice letting go of criticism and judgment:<\/strong><\/p>\n\n- Be in the curious<\/strong> state – ask questions about their choices<\/li>\n
- Seek to understand<\/strong> someone’s different perspective with an open<\/strong> mind<\/li>\n
- Let go of any negative assumptions<\/strong><\/li>\n
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