Are you are holding onto a past disappointment (one that keeps repeating itself)? A grudge against someone? The pain of a betrayal in trust? And, do you feel the need to forgive someone?
“It’s their fault if only they could see!” If forgiveness is the way to inner peace, how do we shift to this place, and heal? It requires a paradigm shift in our thinking to embrace a well known, but rarely practiced wisdom…
“There is no right or wrong, but thinking makes it so.” ~ Shakespeare
We have a need to ‘be right’ that keeps us stuck in feeling ‘wronged’ by others. It is so powerful, we can’t see it in ourselves. Resentment, stress, bitterness, anger or worse shows up we’ve unknowingly created. Why do we do this?
We’ve been wired to look for answers outside of ourselves. We are often searching in black or white (right or wrong, good or evil), but people operate from a spiritual space within of fear or love on opposites sides of a spectrum.
What about what someone has said or done that you know is wrong? Words and behaviour we experience as unloving, unkind, selfish, or destructive we label as ‘wrong’, but when we project that energy of a painful experience, or our ‘right’ onto someone, we shift into judgment.
Can sound like: “How selfish, and inconsiderate! They don’t deserve my love, kindness, or respect, and should be punished, taught a lesson. Pay for what they’ve done. They should know better.” We move to a position of superiority, and look down upon someone.
We see a person as an object that needs to be corrected, convinced, controlled or condemn (what I call the 4 C’s). We want to change someone based on our “truth”, stepping into self-righteousness yet “truth is in the eye of the beholder”. When you see someone as a human being with their own life-time of social conditioning, beliefs, interpretations, and experiences – you can suddenly see yourself. How can someone choose to be worse than who they are? Our best is all anyone can be. Doesn’t mean your ‘best’ will look anything like someone else’s ‘best’.
Notice when you use the word ‘should’ with someone as in “You should be…”. This is you projecting your ‘right’ way onto others.
Notice it with yourself. Self-judgment. “I should have…”
We create expectations that lead to disappointment. Yes I’m saying let go of having expectations of others! Instead believe everyone is simply doing their best with their own reality, aren’t you? : )
You do not condone someone’s words or actions when you forgive them. This is the belief that keeps you stuck! We can choose to distance ourself, or walk away if someone’s energy is destructive without condemning them. It’s when we condemn others that we suffer.
Forgiveness does not excuse destructive behaviour nor does it absolve responsibility, but it is not our lesson to learn. We do not ‘own’ other people to give us the right to force others to behave out of fear, duty, obligation, and projecting your expectations. It can get results, but is it the way you want to be treated? The way you earn respect is not to demand it, but to model it. Fear separates, love connects.
We have collective rules, guidelines, values, and ideals in place intended to keep us safe, happy, and living in peace. Not everyone is willing, or wanting your influence. You must discern if someone is ready to see, and hear your truth. The essence of trust comes from your ability to trust yourself, and it requires finding your own truth.
Your ability to forgive does not mean others will be remorseful. Many are far away from their spirit (love) from years of verbal abuse, self-judgment, being told they are not good enough, and feeling obligated to live up to expectations desperately wanting what we all do: to be seen, and heard for who we are. They sadly make choices that keep them in the victim mindset of depending on others, and circumstances for their happiness. They falsely believe that others are the cause of their suffering, and don’t know how to trust themselves or others.
“God, spare me from the desire for love, approval, or appreciation.”
~Byron Katie
Do not believe others cause you to be miserable or feel guilty because they don’t have that power over you. Nor do they have the ability to ‘make you happy’. This is an illusion. Your experience of sadness or joy comes from within. You don’t have the power to change how someone else thinks, you can only influence those who want to change themselves. Would you want anyone imposing their values on you?
Trying to convince someone they are wrong automatically puts them on the defensive. No one believes they are wrong. People make mistakes, it’s how we learn, but being sorry means you are able to see what you are taking responsibility for. The mind can justify anything when you believe you are right.
Hitler thought he was right. So did Gandhi. Who was right? Neither one – it’s the wrong question. One lived in fear (ego) – controlling, convincing, correcting, and condemning others, and the other lived in compassion (higher self) – loving, sharing, teaching, modelling. The impact was constructive or destructive. It’s a choice.
Saying “I’m sorry things turned out this way, but it was because of this reason, or that person” essentially means “it’s not my fault”. It being anyone’s fault is another illusion. Taking responsibility is seeing beyond finding fault, and looking to blame. If everyone is doing their best, how can it be someone’s fault? It’s the same as making someone wrong.
Focus on whether the words or behaviour results in a constructive (loving)
or destructive (unloving) experience.
The moment you release judgment, you can step into compassion – a higher level of consciousness where love resides. Doesn’t mean we don’t get angry, frustrated or annoyed. But raving mad, resentful, and speaking words and actions we’ll later regret is the path of judgment. Someone famous once said, “Forgive them Father, for they know not what they do”. (Luke 23:34)
Love never condemns, it is our ego consciousness living in fear that needs to ‘be right’, and needs to be ‘good enough’. We are already perfect, and connected through one consciousness. What you do others, you do to yourself. What you give comes back.
The freedom of forgiveness arrives when you surrender your own judgment and practice living in compassion by seeing that we are all human beings doing the best we can.
Is there someone you need to forgive today?
Next Blog: The next step on HOW to forgive..this was step 1: Seeing what judgment is…you cannot forgive someone you see as wrong.
