A Story of Betrayal – Becoming Judgment-free
We see the world, not as it is, but as we are—or, as we are conditioned to see it.
~Anais Nin
I was conditioned to see the world as a place where people cared and were judgement-free. Being well-educated to have the financial independence to raise a family defined success. There were rules of what was ‘right and wrong‘ that became my values.
When I found myself feeling betrayed by a long-time friend, I didn’t understand at that time how my way of “being right” was conditioned, and was not necessarily someone else’s view.
My parents, both physicians have a strong work ethic. They role modelled kindness, and respect in a practical way.
I grew up with healthy dose of self-esteem and a belief I could do anything with persistence and hard work. 3 of my siblings went into medicine, 2 did their MBAs, and I got my Chartered Accountant designation (CPA).
We all got married, and have 17 children among us. What turned out to be unusual was the lack of drama, or anyone taking anything personally even after we grew up, and got together with our families.
To my amazement, this is not the norm. I grew up to discover the world was messy, challenging, and filled with family, social, and global issues.
After my son was born, I decided not to return to my VP finance & admin position, and began a journey of self-discovery. I changed careers to become a full-time mom, and life coach/writer on the side.
Despite having stability, direction, happiness, I didn’t realize I was living on the surface, disconnected emotionally, and spiritually. I was focused on a whole lot of DOING, and not aware of what BEING ME even meant.
When I broke from my “expected family norm”, criticism showed up for the first time. My circle of friends and family weren’t as excited nor could they understand this new path I was heading down.
The more I followed my own truth, the more I seemed to be getting into conflict for the first time with those around me.
At the same time, new friends I was attracting began showing up and I’d be having deeper more meaningful conversations. I was unknowingly living my life from my own inner voice, letting go of the “outside noise” what I should do, and how I should think.
One day a close friend handed me a 6 page letter. It was filled with her judgmental thoughts of who I was as a person, sister, friend, even a mother. Who I should be in her mind had been simmering for years, and had reached the boiling point.
Suddenly, I had become someone wrong, bad, and didn’t meet her expectations.
Years earlier, this friend had confided her own hurtful personal experiences of friends abandoning her “for no reason” and I’d wondered “how could anyone treat you that way? You don’t deserve that!”
She had lost her way at one point in a family situation, and I was the only friend she felt she could turn to. I understood why she couldn’t reach out to her own siblings to help, and she said “there is no one else I can go to”.
She stayed overnight with me for a few days very upset. I listened. I was there for her no matter what.
I felt her distress understanding that sometimes we make mistakes in our struggles through life. I didn’t judge her even though I could see some of this situation was coming from her.
A small part of me was unsure – was she going to be ok, and was I safe in allowing her to stay? There were many long talks, crying, anger, blame towards her husband.
I spent hours and hours of my own time and energy as the “go between” for both her and her husband, and eventually things returned to normal.
After the experience of having been there for her – I thought she knew I was someone she could trust, but I was blind. I could not see that I had been living from my own lens.
I saw her the way I’d been conditioned – high self-esteem, practical, non-judgmental. I mistakenly assumed she saw me the same way. WRONG.
I’d projected who I thought she was as a friend based on my own conditioning.
Initially I was confused reading her letter. I couldn’t understand what she was saying. It was so completely different from my own reality.
My initial shock eventually turned to anger, disbelief and a hatred began welling up in me I’d never felt towards anyone. How could she think these things after what I’d been through with her situation?
How could she not know me by now?
I felt completely betrayed.
What happened to being a friend? I had no clue that her idea of what a friend meant to her could be so different to mine. I couldn’t see how all along I had been enabling her victim mindset that aroused my sympathy to confirm her ‘right way‘.
I looked back at so many situations in her life she had shared that confused me, and how badly I felt for her. That’s what she was looking for all along. It all made sense now!
Are you accommodating anyone where you feel confused? Are you tolerating someone where you feel upset? These are places we need to move away from not stay in otherwise you will not be able to hear your own voice.
We’d been drifting apart since I’d begun life coach training. She asked that I no longer share what I was now so excited about as she couldn’t contribute to the conversation (a red flag).
I followed her wishes not wanting her to feel uncomfortable, but felt a growing sense of disconnection. As I grew, our vibrations were growing further apart, but as long as she was happy doing what she wanted, which I’d continued to encourage and support – I assumed we were fine.
Loving someone to me was wanting them to be happy their way. In her mind, someone who loves you meant them bending over backwards to make her happy her way. She had expectations I could not fulfill. No one could.
After re-reading her letter, her words of judgment struck a chord, and I fired back emails filled with rage I didn’t know was in me – my own judgment of what I expected as a friend!
The vibration in me was harsh, dark, and felt like a nail in my stomach.
I was so distraught having given so much to this friendship only to have lies, criticism, and judgment come back. Why even bother being kind?
I felt like I lost faith in humanity. My world felt upside down. I was filled with an overwhelming sadness. I thought unconditional love would heal everything?
I was fortunately working with an incredible coach at the time Rich Litvin, and he asked me one of his “high flame” questions ‘who were you being that brought on this experience of betrayal?
He reminded me that “betrayal is not something everyone experiences.‘ At first I thought “he doesn’t understand”. All I could see was “it’s her fault, and she doesn’t deserve any real friends. How could she think such thoughts?”
It was so easy to blame her. My friends said I was completely justified, but the pain didn’t go away. I could not forgive her.
A few weeks passed, and she asked to meet with me. She arrived with flowers, and apologized. I did forgive her, but I could tell where she was coming from. She was “sorry for the fallout” that happened among our mutual friends, but was unable to be “sorry for what she couldn’t see”.
It was still someone else’s fault for suggesting she write the letter in the first place (she had gone to one of my friends I’d introduced her to behind my back as she was upset with me).
Once I realized she judges not just me, but everyone, the friendship was over. Judgment destroys relationships, and all trust vanishes. She did not understand that we use our free will to choose our thoughts that live on a spectrum from fear to love.
Judgmental thoughts towards someone else comes from the fear of living in a victim mindset.
There was no ownership or responsibility available here for what she chose to think because her ego kept her in pride, self-righteousness, blame, and an attachment to her need to be “right” that she would continue to justify.
I understood why this was not the first time she lost a friend.
This pattern I would watch repeat itself with other friends I needed to release from my orbit.
Even though I was no longer angry, and felt I’d forgiven her. I could not let go of the resentment I felt.
I still needed to take responsibility for the experience of feeling betrayed I created.
I chose to give to that friendship – my time, and energy to someone who did not share the same values. What a friendship meant to her was very different to what a friendship meant to me.
I had to let go of judging her for judging me!
This is what literally gave me FREEDOM from blame, resentment, and anger. It gave me peace of mind.
I discovered that the secret to experiencing forgiveness was releasing your own judgment. You cannot forgive someone you condemn for the choices of their words, and behaviour.
That’s their responsibility not mine. They are living in their own “best” state of consciousness, and what I know for sure: you reap what you sow.
I could now walk away in peace.
I have compassion now for someone I cannot help who chooses to remain a victim in her life. I had been enabling her all along – something I needed to forgive myself for.
The feeling of being ‘betrayed’ describes an experience of someone we feel has ‘intentionally harmed us’, but this isn’t the whole story. Betrayal means I am choosing to be the victim instead of recognizing I had a part to play.
Once I could take 100% responsibility for my own choices of where I falsely trusted someone who did not live from where I incorrectly thought she did, I was set free.
The Serenity Prayer says it best:
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change (how other people choose to think, speak, and behave).
The courage to change the things I can (walk away from behaviour that is destructive to my well being with compassion, not judgment and stand up for my own values) to find inner peace.
And the wisdom to know the difference (when it’s worthwhile to speak up, and when it’s wiser to hold back your opinion/beliefs because someone’s ego may be destructive not only to you, but to themselves in their judgment of you.
When you condemn someone, you effectively condemn yourself because that energy will come back to you, and resides in you in a low negative vibration.
The enormous hurt of feeling “betrayed” turned out to be the greatest gift! It gave me my vision for a judgment-free world that has been helping me transform people’s relationships away from drama, guilt, unforgiveness, unnecessary conflict, and ultimately to the experience we all long for: being loved unconditionally.
The freedom to be seen, and heard for who you are living your own truth only exists in the space of non-judgment. It needs to be with yourself first before you can give it to others, and when someone else holds no judgment – your relationship will be judgment-free.
When you release judgment, you finally experience seeing the light in everyone (the “face of God”) including the ones you don’t agree with.
God is the highest ideal of love you can imagine and doesn’t judge us.
His divine fragment lives within each of us, so when you become like Him (judgment-free), you can also see what he sees in everyone, including the the love within you.
Where are you not acting in a judgement-free way towards someone that needs to be released where the most incredible experience of love awaits you?
