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The Hidden Reason Why People Harm Others

I always wondered.. why people harm others.

I just read about Omar Mateen killing 49 & injuring 53 in the deadliest shooting in Orlando just after I finished reading this brave, and stunning letter by the victim, “Emily Doe” who remained anonymous in the Stanford rape case. Her impact statement she read in court to her assailant found guilty on all 3 charges went viral because it spoke so clearly to so much of what’s unspoken.

I’ve been reading articles this past week trying to make sense of what we’re not seeing when this kind of violence continues to happen. How can we be the change?

Have you wondered why people harm others? More importantly.. what do you believe is the source of unthinkable violence in our world? I have an idea…

You’re familiar with it.

I’ve experienced it after hearing this kind of devastating news along with shock, sadness, and anger.

It was all around me, but for a long time I couldn’t see it. I’d grown up sheltered from it.

It wasn’t until I was willing to speak my own truth not realizing that sometimes bumping heads with opposing views will rear a side of someone that may startle you. It also confused me.

It exists regardless of culture, status, gender or education.

It was in Omar Mateen saying inflammatory remarks about terrorists, and when he physically abused his wife.

It created his rage against the gay community, and shame for being attracted to it.

His father declared “God would punish homosexuals”. Religious beliefs can have it too.

It was also in the polite, hardworking Stanford athlete, convicted of sexual assault raised in an affluent community with a devoted stay at home mom, and father who coached his sport’s team growing up.

Maybe you call it something else.

I call it entitlement. It says:

“You deserve the nasty way I get to treat you because of what I believe.”

It’s easy to spot entitlement in religious beliefs turned fundamental with doctrines being demanded not shared. With dictators where leadership is fueled with aggression, fear, and control.

But when parents make their child the victim and give them the benefit of the doubt no matter what they’ve done – entitlement is hidden under the veil of ‘privilege’.

Children raised to hear the word YES when NO was the appropriate response.

There’s not only a failure to stop, and have a conversation around “My God, what have you done? This is NOT ok. Do you understand WHY that behaviour is not appropriate?”

Entitlement is a blind spot that keeps itself protected.

Omar Mateen was a known trouble-maker growing up in Florida. He was so violent, people joked he would become a terrorist. I’m sure many in the community thought “NO, this is not ok, but what can I do?”

People had signs the same way a wife knows before she married her abusive husband. Entitlement is lurking behind the scenes when a system isn’t set up to say “no, this man cannot purchase an assault rifle” when the FBI had investigated him for terrorism.

Entitlement runs rampant. We all know someone who doesn’t see it within themselves.

Most of us don’t want conflict. We know when speaking up will result in defensiveness or a full-blown attack. Instead, we quietly look the other way or move out of the way.

I’ve done it too. Risking harmony isn’t worth it sometimes. We pick our battles.

But I’ve noticed the more I hear my own inner voice – the more I’m not willing not to say anything.

When we don’t say anything, a deadly problem emerges for all of us.

Entitlement gives people permission to judge another person with “I’m owed this! You deserve whatever crap I’m dishing out” while we stay in the fear of how others will judge us if we do speak up.

It’s the parent yelling abusively at their child who doesn’t follow their rules, or isn’t playing a sport or an instrument well enough.

You’re entitled to treat your child this way as their parent, and then wonder why your child talks back, keeps getting into trouble, and doesn’t respect you later?

When teens attack their parents with rude remarks, sarcasm, and a bad attitude, and parents shrug it off as “that just how teenagers behave” – entitlement is being fostered.

It’s the impatient or demanding remarks by a partner who’s had a rough day at work. Your bad day means I have to suffer?

It’s what we allow, settle for, and accept in ourselves and others when we know deep down it isn’t OK.

Entitled behaviour creates all kinds of conflict and unnecessary drama.

At the extreme, it’s a sexual assault. It may be a mass shooting.

Entitlement means someone becomes your victim.

Speaking our truth when someone feels entitled is not easy.

In our every day lives, we don’t have a situation where someone is found guilty standing before us in a courtroom to finally have an opportunity to speak up with validation from a jury.

We may not have the inner strength or courage “Emily” developed through her painful ordeal, nor her resilience. Perhaps our outer support is lacking, and standing alone can be scary.

The Way Entitlement Gets Fostered 

Brock Turner, at 20 had no track record and a bright future, yet he chose to drag an intoxicated woman across the ground, remove her clothing, and sexually assault her. Who does that? A whole community around him who conditioned him, and continued to support it.

The Many Influencers of Brock Turner, 20 years old:

1) His mother: Her plea letter to the judge for mercy screams one thing: VICTIM.

It detailed all the pain and suffering her son, and their family experienced since the guilty verdict right down to their financial woes – she was unable to decorate her new home. After all, she needed to hire one of most expensive lawyers to create a new story filled with lies, and ensure her son’s clean record was saved.

2) His father: His plea letter to the judge screamed BLAME. He recommended his son teach about the dangers of alcohol, and promiscuity, and said “that’s a steep price to pay for 20 minutes of action”.

It’s expected any parent would defend their son. They obviously love, and care for him. But wait – had they forgotten their son made choices that found him guilty on all 3 counts of sexual assault? What kind of love seeks further brutalization of the real victim?

Where’s the mention from either parent of the woman their son had physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually scarred for the rest of her life?

3) His past girlfriend of 2 years: “I have never been so angry with God in all of my life, for instilling such pain on such an undeserving soul.”

She’s blaming God for her ex-boyfriend’s actions, and consequences?

4) His sister: “A series of alcohol-fueled decisions that he made within an hour time span will define him for the rest of his life.”

No. Committing sexual assault against an innocent woman will define him for the rest of his life.

5) His grandparents: “Brock is the only person being held accountable for the actions of other irresponsible adults.”

The irresponsible adult was one of your children in raising your grandchild not to take responsibility for his actions.

6) His Community: One resident of 20 years in his affluent Oakwood, Ohio hometown described it as a community with a “dark side.” A place where kids don’t hear the word “NO”, and expectations run high.

7) Judge Persky: “A prison sentence would have a severe impact on him. I think he will not be a danger to others.”

Brock is likely more of a danger to himself with all the self-pity.

The judge was a Stanford graduate. A Lacrosse Coach. He’s presiding over a case where the defendant was a Stanford student on a swimming scholarship?

This judge completely missed what this man had learned that made him a danger to others:

I need to fit in, and I can do no wrong.

What was abundantly clear from the legal proceedings!

The parents hired a lawyer not seeking truth or justice, but in a desperate attempt to get their son off the hook, clear his name, and avoid the consequences.

Their son tried to flee the scene, and proceeded to tell a ridiculous story of consent. That she liked it, even had an orgasm.

Alcohol, and a party culture was to blame.

There was no apology.

The victim’s impact statement fell on deaf ears.

“You took away my worth, my privacy, my energy, my time, my intimacy, my confidence, my own voice, until today…I can remain angry and hurt and you can be in denial, or we can face it head on.”

She is mature, and takes ownership. He is immature, and failed to take responsibility.

It’s the worst thing that’s been learned: take zero responsibility when you made a poor choice that hurt an innocent person.

“To sit under oath and inform all of us, that yes I wanted it, yes I permitted it, and that you are the true victim attacked by Swedes for reasons unknown to you is appalling, is demented, is selfish, is damaging.”

Entitlement will go to all lengths to save its own ass.

The judge was blinded by the false pain created by a victim mind-set (self-pity, denial, blame),  instead of the true victim’s real suffering from sexual assault.

By sentencing him to a mere 6 months with 3 month’s probation of the 14 year maximum, Persky is fostering the rape culture. Ideally punishment or consequences are to instill remorse, and responsibility.

In other words: grow up, for all our sakes.

Time in prison would provide solitude away from his influencers that helped cause this attack.

Assign him a mentor who understands what taking responsibility means, and not blaming the circumstances, and other people. Have the parents pay for that.

It takes a community that does not understand why people harm others to raise a someone destrucive, and all those responsible need to understand their part.

I have compassion for the fact that this young man grew up in an environment learning to blame, and run from responsibility.

It creates low self-esteem, and develops a silent and deadly sense of entitlement. Still, low self-esteem cannot excuse bad behaviour.

One Courageous Voice

When you share your experience as someone who’s been wronged without blaming or judging another person, there’s a different message you send:

You are NOT entitled to be confused, wiggle your way out of your actions, blame, and make up lies where you fail to take responsibility. 

She doesn’t condemn him. She doesn’t want him to rot in jail.

She wants him to understand what he’s done – not just for her sake – for his, and the greater community.

Her words burned through the one thing that entitlement couldn’t take: her self worth.

She spoke for millions of voices that aren’t heard.

An estimated 1 in 5 women will be raped in their lifetime. This is atrocious.

Not enough people stand up for what’s right in this world when we find ourselves faced with what’s wrong. It’s not easy to do. The judgment is fierce.

Thank God there are those willing, and able to speak up loudly, clearly, and provide the inspiration for us all to do the same. That’s what she’s done for me.

I shared her letter with my 3 teens. I needed them to hear what it sounds like to speak up for what’s right without condemning someone else.

Our work is to recognize entitlement in ourselves and stand up bravely against anyone throwing around entitlement with you.

When we don’t, we no longer see the light in another human being or ourselves. And, we never understand why people harm others. That’s the real danger.

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