How to Connect Authentically at Home with Your Children in Quarantine
Being at home with your children under one roof can be challenging, but amidst a pandemic with the added financial, mental, and emotional strain, it can be really stressful. How can you use this time to connect authentically at home with your children?
Here are 8 deep practices for creating the space for amazing conversations, happier times, and a more authentic connection with your child.
1) Slow Down to Get Vulnerable and Away from Worry
It’s an unprecedented time, and many of us are feeling frustrated with reactionary emotions to a very difficult situation. Slowing down allows us to be vulnerable and real with our emotions.
Our strength lies here for what’s authentic, and shows our kids how to be resilient through a storm.
Step#1 — Make a distinction between worry and concern
The first step is making a distinction between worry and concern.
Sharing our authentic emotions from concern is different than emotionally reacting from worry. Your authentic emotions show up when you’re willing to be vulnerable, and a calming strength lives here.
Here’s the truth about worrying:
• Worrying causes stress on your mind creating emotional havoc
• Constant worrying affects your body’s health by releasing excessive cortisol (stress hormone)
• Worrying drains you and that energy gets put into your relationships
• Your natural self-repair mechanisms stop working when you worry
“The word worry comes from the Old High German word wurgen which means to strangle. Worrisome thoughts and their resulting feelings are a form of self-strangulation.”
~Andrew Bernstein
The impact of worrying creates fear-driven thoughts that lean towards complaining, confusion, and an inability to act because you’re in “reactive” mode trying to control a certainty that isn’t possible.
Concern on the other hand, accepts uncertainty, but instead of living from fear, you live from faith. You can trust that “this too shall pass – so, I don’t need to worry”. You feel more cautious in your fear, and can still move forward.
Step#2 — Get in touch with your authentic emotions
By getting in touch with your authentic emotions of sadness, anger, or frustration, you can express and release these from your body’s energy field, instead of burying them where they become toxic to you.
Panic, anxiety and helplessness come from worry, which you want to move away from – nor are these helpful to share or push onto your children. You’re there to help manage their fears.
Worry can also put you into a state of being controlling that will meet with resistance. and create further stress.
Concern allows you to find inner peace that brings clarity amidst any chaos. When we connect authentically, we show our kids we’re human too and gives them permission to do the same.
2) Notice What You Say and How You Say It
“The way we talk to our children becomes their inner voice”
~Peggy O’Mara
What we say, and how we say it when things go wrong has a deep impact on the way our children speak to themselves. Wander back to your childhood to a time when you messed up … remember how you felt. What were you most needing to hear in that moment?
Have the courage to say to your child what you wanted to hear instead of responding with what children dread: the lecture of what they should have done.
Once emotions have subsided and you’re not in reactive mode, then respond by ‘sharing’ what wasn’t working not ‘telling’ because all of us resist being told what to do, especially children who are still discovering limits and rules being imposed on them.
What Goes on Inside a Child’s Mind
Do you know how hard a child can be on themselves when they’ve made a mistake, and there’s punishment or dead silence with a condescending look of “you should know better!” or “what’s wrong with you?”
Do you understand how abandoned a child can feel when you turn your back on them with punishment, guilt or shame instead of compassion, patience and understanding?
So much of the way our children think and why they behave the way they do is hidden from us just as what’s going on inside of us is hidden from them.
Discovering what’s underneath requires we listen while imagining we are in their shoes (with their unique qualities at their age!) and putting aside our own assumptions and projections as an adult. Not easy, but essential!
How we TELL our children with good intentions can cause them to shut down, feel unheard, and unseen. If you’re getting resistance, that’s how you’ll know.
Notice your words, the tone you have, and your emotion (usually anger and frustration) – all of it is being communicated and will land as blame. And, all of it matters when you want to connect authentically.
Check in with your own inner voice for how you speak to yourself – is it ‘patient and curious’ OR ‘harsh and self-critical’? That is the same voice your child is hearing that will respond defensively if attacked to protect their own true voice.
Your authentic voice is true to the universal spirit of kindness, respect, and tenderheartedness. It’s the voice your child needs to hear when things go wrong in order to connect with you authentically.
3) Understand the Tone of What Your Child Follows on Social Media, Music and the Screen
Our children are not just dealing with our voices, but the increasingly louder voices among their peers, and the media. Are you aware of the tone in the environment that surrounds them?
Are the games they play, the shows they watch or Instagram stories they follow more ‘competitive and reactive’ OR ‘respectful, and non-judgmental’?
If you google “famous people with a great relationship with a parent” – here’s the tone that shows up on the first page:
- 9 Celebrities Who’ve Had Toxic Relationships with Their Parents
- The 12 Biggest Celebrity Feuds
- 25 Celebs Who Have Very Bad Relationships with Their Parents
It’s the norm in the media to have bad, toxic relationships with your parents. You have to dig deep to find a single good parent-child relationship of anyone famous!
How might what you watch, and listen to affect what becomes acceptable in your home interactions? There’s constant programming all around us when you pay attention.
The media leans towards dysfunctional drama, and thrives on fear. It prefers negativity over positivity because that’s what sells. There’s an insidious level of judgment, attack, and gossip in our competitive world that can creep into our lives and appear ‘normal’.
There’s also smart, positive, insightful material in the media, but be willing to look deeper for it. The tone of what gets attention from all the information coming in has an energetic impact in your home.
My children grew up watching the beloved classic Avatar, the Last Airbender Series (2006), which addresses topics of conflict, betrayal, forgiveness, and trust with its cast of hero-like characters both children and parents can connect with.
The series hits Netflix again in May 2020 in anticipation of the long-anticipated film version expected later this year.
When you can find media that’s meaningful and resonates with both you and your child – it’s an opportunity to have an authentic connect with them
4) Encourage Mistakes and Redefine Failure
Self-made billionaire and Spanx founder Sara Blakely said her greatest lesson was the question her father asked her at the end of each week: “What did you fail at?” She would be disappointed if she had no failures to share!
Sara was highly motivated to try everything because failure got re-defined as success, and her effort mattered more than the outcome.
Notice your reaction when your child messes up. Sure, you may be sad, frustrated, even furious, but what do you do with these emotions? Your child isn’t causing YOUR emotions.
They don’t have the power to make you angry – you carry responsibility for how you feel.
Children have a natural desire to please, and not disappoint us, but they need a safe space to stumble and fall so they can learn, and grow. Our ability to be with their failure can be the toughest challenge. We want them to succeed!
No one wants to mess up, so acknowledging their feelings, and you being present with THEIR emotions is life-changing. Here’s how to acknowledge:
• I notice you’re angry or upset.
• I sense something’s not working for you.
• I realize you need your space.
• You seem sad or frustrated.
Then…can you share with me what happened??
Actively listen with curiosity from where they are, not from where you are.
Your faith in them despite their failings allows them to show up, connect authentically and experience the downs so they can reach their ups.
5) Let Go of Criticizing and Judging
We want our children to believe “I can do this because this who I am”, but what they often hear growing up when they make mistakes sends a different message:
“I’m not good enough”.
Do any of these questions sound familiar?
• How could you not know that?
• What’s the matter with you?
• Why is this taking you so long?
• Are you kidding me?
• What on earth were you thinking?
These are expressions of criticism that forms your child’s ‘inner critic’ and creates the fear of not being good enough early on. Criticism around a child’s behaviour creates guilt and self-doubt.
What’s tougher are expressions of judgment that form your child’s ‘inner judge’. When you put your child down, they will feel shame, and unworthiness:
• How could you be so stupid?
• So, if your friends do something, you blindly follow like an idiot?
• That outfit makes you look _______ (fat, too big, silly, ridiculous…)
• You must be blind to keep spilling things!
• Gosh – stop crying like a baby! That is nothing to be upset over.
• You are such a disappointment!
It’s easy to justify our criticism and judgment because we have our own ‘right way’ as a parent, and believe “we know better”. Let that go. Get curious.
Remind yourself that your child is your greatest gift, and is trying their best to learn new things from their level of awareness and experiences, which are very limited compared to yours.
What they need is someone who’s willing to listen to their world from their perspective. They also need common sense rules, and guidance that has an explanation they can lean into, and adopt as their own.
Your WHY is the biggest piece missing for kids. Why do they need to care? What do you want them to understand? These are your values.
They don’t have to like it, but without understanding the value behind their actions, any way you discipline will simply be what they will work to avoid behind your back.
Contrary to popular belief, punishment is not necessary for children to learn a lesson. It’s a short-term illusion to think kids learn values when fear is used as the incentive for change.
Instead of seeing your child as ‘wrong’ or ‘bad’ – remind yourself that you were once a child and probably didn’t wake up scheming up ways to piss off your parents, so aim to treat a child who ‘misbehaves’ as lost and trying to find their way home.
Criticism and judgment create an invisible wall between you and your child. What will you share if there’s a fear of judgment or criticism? Not a whole lot, and it makes it difficult to connect authentically.
6) Let Go of Your Expectations
Have you ever said “why aren’t you happy? You should be happy! Look at what you have! Do you know what I had in my day?”
Children today feel enormous pressure because of the expectations we put on them to be happy and successful.
We are living at a time when we can give so much, and children have way more opportunities, but as you know more is not necessarily better. Today we face a mental health crisis in children with increasing suicide rates, and many of our young people taking pills or in therapy unable to cope with stress and anxiety.
We want the world for our children, and they suddenly feel like they have to deliver. Children want to please their parents. Expectations backfire to create a silent pressure for children to be more than what they can see in themselves.
We know to encourage our children to try new things, but our approach often runs into resistance. There’s a push into activities to “make them happy” so they can “perform and achieve” as opposed to just noticing “are they even happy?”
Finding the kinds of experiences that really light your child up requires you slow down and pay close attention to what they are naturally drawn to, and encourage those things. That’s how they discover their passions.
Your first reaction comes from why something’s not working for you based on your expectations, but whatever a child chooses makes sense for what resonates with their spirit.
If that choice is destructive to them (candy, shopping, their ipad), or simply destructive (smoking, processed foods or failing to study) you help to co-create choices that can work, and have limits while role modeling constructive choices.
If you want to understand your child’s experience who’s struggling to meet your expectations, try these questions:
• Can you share more about that?
• What is that like for you?
• How does that feel?
• I’m confused about why _____, can you describe what’s happening for you?
• Here’s what I’m noticing, is that right?
Our expectations can block the space to share authentically because there’s a need to please, a silent demand, and fear of disappointment all rolled up in the space between you.
7) Build Trust
Have you ever found yourself yelling at your child to stop shouting?
Have you ever sworn you wouldn’t repeat what you heard growing up? Yet there it goes flying out of our mouth in those high stressed moments! We love our parents – they did their best, but know what worked for you and what didn’t.
Owning your own sh#* builds trust. When you take responsibility and apologize for ‘your bad’, you’ll find your child one day apologizing for ‘their bad’ without you needing to say a single thing.
You may think the parent role demands tough love, control, and authority, but clear guidelines mixed with compassion is so much more effective in the long run and creates a space for authenticity.
When you give children the freedom to explore their world in the ways they want (age appropriately of course!) with supportive guidance and less rules – you are teaching them how to think for themselves and trust themself to make decisions.
You Cannot Give a Child Too Much
It’s not whether you give too much to your children that creates entitlement. It’s the way you give expecting them to be grateful when no one has taught them how to appreciate what others don’t have, and what they do have.
Entitlement happens when you say YES, when NO was the appropriate response. It also gets role modeled if you think your child owes you something.
Children do not owe us anything, period. Holding that attitude will get reflected back to you with a child who starts demanding that they are owed something from you.
When you choose to give without your conditions – it will come back tenfold.
Giving in to your children when they need you to be firm backfires because they learn how to manipulate you. They learn not to trust you because you are not trusting yourself.
You’ll be experiencing less temper tantrums and outright rebellion in the teen years by allowing your child to trust their authentic self, while making sure they stay safe and healthy.
8) Accept Your Child as They Are
The idea of acceptance or what most of us understand as unconditional love can be one of the most confusing concepts, but it reaches the deepest part of how authentic you can ever be with your child.
Have you ever noticed that the way your child drives you most crazy is the same trait you hold? It feels like a part of them you don’t accept or like. If you’re stubborn, that stubbornness in your child is going to set you off big-time.
I would have the most grueling time with one of my daughters when she’d ask for help with homework – why? I felt angry so easily being with her impatience when she couldn’t figure out a problem.
Her frustration triggered the part of me when I can’t figure something out in my own life and I get frustrated. It was my stubbornness!
The same way you struggle is exactly the way your child does, and until you own your shadows with compassionate self-acceptance, you will have a tough time connecting with the authentic part that lies beneath.
We grow and heal ourselves together through our relationships.
You are both the teacher and the student for each other, and as you grow together, both of you can see and release these shadows to see the light in one another.
This is the sacred space where you can connect authentically with your child.
In Summary
These 8 practices will help you develop the relationship skills with your child and connect authentically given this opportunity of being home in quarantine.
Instead of you asking to know what’s happening in their world — suddenly your child is turning towards you. And, he/she wants to share their exciting, genuine and sometimes painful experiences because you’ve built an authentic connection.
