People come into, and out of our lives fostering all kinds of different connections and trying to build healthy boundaries. The closer we get, the more risk you’ll bump up against someone’s toxic parts, and they will bump up against yours.
Eventually, even with close friends or family members you will bump into those places where someone gets defensive, takes you personally, and now you’re walking on eggshells confused about how to proceed.
Do you find yourself needing to show up differently in an attempt to maintain a peaceful encounter?
When things start feeling toxic, stressful, or draining with the people in our lives where you just can’t be yourself – chances are you need to create a healthier boundary.
Relationships – an Orbit Perspective
I began looking at my relationships in terms of orbits circling close or far from me. Friends and family members would fall into different orbits that can sometimes shift.
Learning how to maintain a healthy distance has taken years of practice where my goal has been to create that judgment-free space where I could be my most authentic self, and that person could be too. No matter how different we happened to be.
Wasn’t always easy!
Relationships take work, but as long as my connections grew in positive ways, I was willing to take the “good with the bad” (we all have our stuff), and all was well.
Until it wasn’t well.
Sometimes me showing up more fully would send someone spinning out of control. Unless I could find that safe space again, it was time to step back, re-assess this connection, and decide whether to move their orbit further out or leave altogether.
The Risk of Speaking Your Truth
Our truth can set us free, but only with certain people.
There’s always a chance you run into someone’s wall (their ego) when you realize you’ve said more than someone is able to receive. If there’s deflection, controlling behavior, defensiveness, attack, silence or condemnation – it can become toxic to you.
Pay attention if what you share isn’t landing – maybe there’s an unexpected silence, a lecture, or simply a lack of resonance for what resonates for you. Curiosity seems to be missing. Meaningful relationships require that you are fascinated on some level with someone.
None of us is perfect, but we can all recognize when our thoughts start remaining more in our head rather than spoken out loud.
If you’re quietly asking yourself: “Is she going to overreact if I tell her what I really think? Will he disappear if I say too much?” because you’ve begun noticing a pattern of how this person responds – this orbit needs to be re-evaluated.
How Big is the Gap Between You and Someone Else?
These words often remind me of how far away we can be on someone else’s page:
“I know you think you understand what you thought I said but I’m not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant” ~Alan Greenspan
When you don’t feel heard, the gap between your thoughts, and how you land means their orbit is further out than you imagined. You’ll notice how draining it can be having to filter, especially in deeper conversations.
Follow your own vibration that feels good with the people who support, believe, and will challenge you. Your inner voice and intuition know who to trust. Notice the qualities of the best interactions you experience, as these tell you where your vibration is internally aligned.
Dealing with Collisions
If there’s a lot drama in your relationships where you’re feeling misunderstood, anxious, frustrated or angry, it’s time to look honestly within. Either you’ve been accepting what isn’t working for you in other people, or you’re not aware of where you are difficult to be with.
My daughters were telling me a story about a friend who told them to please tell her if she’s behaving in ways that bother them. They thought “wow – she’s interested in getting feedback, and wants to change,” so they proceeded to tell her what wasn’t working for them, and she responded with “I’m not like that!”
Be open, curious, and willing to hear what you may not like. If someone says you make them feel guilty, that you can be controlling, or you blame them, ask “what do I say that makes you feel this way?” Don’t let pride get in your way.
It doesn’t matter what anyone says about you – when you know, and trust yourself, you’re not offended, but confused. Your response will be “I don’t understand you, please explain”.
If someone imposes their wounds that still need healing onto you – whether unwanted lectures, blame, or punishment you’re the only one who can stand up for yourself to firmly say “NO – that is not O.K – I don’t deserve that”.
How much of anyone’s toxic behaviour you’re willing to take on depends on your understanding of where it comes from (compassion), and how it affects your well-being. You’ll also take into account how willing someone is to look in the mirror – this includes you.
It Gets Down to Love
Love is the most powerful force that will define a healthy boundary. Kindness, patience, and honesty can drive out anything toxic by choosing to be willing to listen without judgment, making false accusations or wrong assumptions.
You will reach the other side in a healthier place even if you must go through some nasty battles as long as both of you have each other’s back. Underneath you care, and want the other’s happiness. Does your intention hold out for their highest interest without betraying yourself?
Love can mean very different things to different people depending on your experience of it. This is where it can get confusing. What love means to you needs to coincide with what love means to someone else evidenced by your treatment of each other – this will determine how close you can hold someone’s orbit to you.
Letting Go
“If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, they’re yours. If they don’t; they never were.” ~Richard Bach
The true test of finding that healthy boundary may require letting go. Take a break. Giving yourself space allows you to be objective around how you want this relationship to be, and answer the question: “what’s worth it here?”
If you love someone, but they don’t come back – what love means to you versus what it means to them was much wider than you thought. If you sense a greater sense of peace and serenity without their presence, consider how far you need to move this orbit away.
But if you notice now where you were creating some of the tensions, and are willing to take responsibility to change – reach out. Connections are valuable.
Over time, friends and family members move closer or farther away as we go through life’s ups, and downs. We change, and grow. Some remain in the same spot forever, while others disappear.
There’s an ease, and flow when all your orbits are in sync. You can reach higher planes with so many different people in so many amazing ways. Laughter, and tears. Joy and pain. Your souls both expand.
You get to a healthier place with all your connections by setting boundaries that honours the values you hold for what a fulfilling relationship means to you.
Remember that you have an orbit in someone else’s field. Are you in a healthy place there?
What adjustments will you make to your orbits today?
