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The Magic of Tidying Up – How It Transforms Everything

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I was first intrigued seeing this little book a couple months ago at the checkout display of Chapters – a store I frequent a little too often : ) Something about ‘life changing, and magic’ caught my attention…not to mention the ‘NY Times bestseller’ sticker by a book coming from Japan where I knew firsthand through my Japanese sister-in-law that being organized and beautiful is an ART. I get inspired by the colourful lunches she makes for her kids. How a little book on TIDYING is changing my MINDSET around Clutter – and effectively my life experience for the better. What is clutter? Stuff we have we don’t need or want. Who doesn’t need the practice of “letting it go”? Suddenly I find myself easily discarding stuff I’ve held onto for years. The Goal: having ONLY the stuff you LOVE that brings you JOY. Clothes you love to wear that makes you smile. Furniture, and decor that brings comfort and ease with a space of order, and serenity. Books, and possessions you truly desire. Everything has a well-deserved ‘home’ because it’s wanted in the first place. Less is more. More importantly, the quality of your ‘less’ is something you stand up for that changes as you GROW so you need to keep ‘discarding’. The challenge is we buy 3 things, and only toss 1, and sometimes it grows to 10:1. We need to discern what to hold onto regularly, and this includes the people in our lives. What does it take to let go to create a space of serenity surrounded by ALL that you love? A radical shift in your mind-set. I read the introduction, and was hooked… “..a person’s awareness and perspective on his or her own lifestyle are far more important than any skill at sorting, storing, or whatever. Order is dependent on the extremely personal values of what a person wants to live with…when you’ve finished putting your house in order, your life will change dramatically…never again will you revert to clutter.” Clutter is the stuff that gets in our way, which leads to the proverbial ‘we get in our own way’. What if you could extend this principle to the people in your life? A few years ago, I realized that the greatest purpose of my relationships is my need to grow spiritually – this brings me JOY. Can I share myself authentically? Do I relate to how someone else is showing up where we have space to laugh and cry? Am I holding onto people who drain me? What space do I create with the people in my life? I’d learned how to apply this principle ‘what brings me joy’ to my relationships (a massive growth process that’s ongoing that led to my message of living judgment-free came), but I hadn’t been applying it to my ‘stuff’. There’s a step by step with a deliberate “do or do not” attitude – no “tidying a little at a time or you’ll be tidying forever.” She not only admits to every mistake I’ve ever made on getting organized, but has strong evidence her “KonMari Method” works. People do not revert back to clutter. It reminds me of the spiritual path – once you become ‘aware’ – there’s no turning back. WHAT drains you begs the question she uses to discard: Does this spark joy? Run your hands over it. Reflect on it with your heart not your head. Why does having this matter to you? Dig deep: what exactly does this give me that I cherish?  Here’s a couple examples of her principles that’s already changing my mindset: 1. Aim for Perfection. Doing a little each day is doomed. Half-heartedly cleaning leads to constant tidying. I started multi-tasking big-time when 3 children under age 2 arrived (son & twin girls – 21 months apart). I had no choice. The juggling multiple diaper changes, feeding, and laundry began, and my sense of time changed forever. I lost control over my agenda. Their needs didn’t follow a predictable schedule though I tried! When I finally thought I had them figured out, something would change. They grew, and I tried again not realizing I had now entered the realm of doing things ‘a little bit at a time’, and needed to change this mindset. I remember a conversation with my girlfriend Nicole who shared how she stays on top of her laundry by starting on Friday, and it’s all folded and put away by end of the weekend. There are no exceptions. There was a beginning, and end – perfection. It sounded harsh, but the occasional time I tried it, my week felt lighter not seeing half done laundry everywhere. There was more space to enjoy. She does the same thing with her mail – Fridays she picks up, and bills were paid by Sunday night & everything filed away! No more ‘did I pay that bill?’, and no filing piling up to do a ‘little at a time’. 2. Sort by category not by room. How often do you store stuff in more than one room in your home? Its difficult to make the decision to discard, she writes, if you don’t have everything together.   I found myself tidying up the recreation room at our family cottage last weekend; a huge garbage bag of unused toys, old crafts, outdated books accumulated. I hesitated, but ended up tossing incomplete card decks, and forgot to check the other rooms where cards were being stored. Lesson learned! 3. Discard before you store. I’ve succumbed to what she calls the ‘booby trap’ of convenient storage –  the easy route that does not address the real problem. Eventually everything is overflowing again no matter how well I organize! What I love is her rationale for everything. It’s logical. There are steps. And it all comes back to a well known fact she includes: Everything is energy. Even our socks that get pounded being walked on all day need space to ‘relax’, and not be rolled into a ball for storing!! Physical, emotional, and mental energy that is directed by our spiritual energy of ‘Why bother in the first place – what is the purpose of anything if it doesn’t bring you joy?’ Energy is within us, and surrounds us, and exists in all our stuff. And we’re all connected. There is no part where I end, and you …

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Are You Loving “For Better or For Worse”?

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These words may sound familiar as part of a traditional marriage vow to proclaim your commitment to the one you plan to love forever. It was also the name of a popular Canadian cartoon I read growing up by Lynn Johnston chronicling a family who sticks together no matter what.   Interestingly, Lynn divorced twice saying: “ people want to know a lot about it, and it’s nobody’s business but mine.. they’re sad because it was a fantasy. And I was sad for them because I wanted to give them a real family behind the family in the strip that was together and communicated…could see each other through all the ups and downs.” There’s an underlying message we’ve been fed: no matter what happens remain loyal because this means you love someone. I never gave much thought to what it means to love unconditionally – turns out it’s one the most misunderstood concepts of all time.  I grew up in a family where my parents have been happily married for 50 years, and my grandparents on both sides celebrated the same milestone. In other words, I was shown firsthand how its possible to love through the good times, and bad – certainly there were challenges to face, but what if there was one ingredient I was given I wasn’t aware of, yet I was still missing something? Some have said loving unconditionally is impossible because its just unrealistic. Others think it’s possible, but hard work, and there’s those whose wacky ideas about what love means it’s “my conditions or else”.  The reality is the only experience of love you can ever know is your own. Love is subjective, and the contrast of what it’s not is what gave me the greatest clue to experience it more fully beyond the harmony of simply ‘sticking together no matter what’. How far will you go trusting your own sense of what love is supposed to be, and not everyone else’s version of love? There’s a collapse of 2 beliefs into one that creates a lot of our own struggles in love. It says “no matter what shows up that’s not working for me (not just with a partner, but includes friends, and family) I’m sticking this out, and this mean I love you.” Other examples: • I have to worry about you because I love you. • I won’t say something because it will hurt you even if it’s true for me. • I will put up with your nasty behavior because you mean a lot to me, and I understand why you are this way. Worry, and the frantic, self-destructive energy it brings comes from fear. Concern, and the caring energy it brings comes from love. One feels disconnected, and out of control, the other feels like a desire to know a loved one is safe. Not the same experience. Often what we call love is really fear: • tolerating disguised as loyalty • worry disguised as concern • jealousy disguised as commitment • control disguised as caring • selfishness disguised as need • ownership disguised as love The one condition you must not give into is being treated by anyone where you are made to feel unworthy, inferior, less, or worse. This is judgment, and no one deserves anyone’s judgment, nor do you have the right to judge. It was the one thing I wasn’t treated to growing up that I didn’t realize – until I was judged, and the contrast of how this prior friend was treating me didn’t resonate with my own well-being. One of my best friends told me that I said something that profoundly changed how she was handling the pain of her nasty divorce. I said that her ex-husband was giving her a gift (putting her down, blaming her, making her feel guilty), and she was choosing to accept it by reacting to it. She didn’t have to accept this gift. You can notice it, but don’t choose to receive it. It’s a gift you don’t want or need! If you choose to be in relationship with anyone who dishes this energy out, this becomes the love you are accepting you deserve deep down, and love will continue to elude you. Or you will be in constant conflict trying to fight off what isn’t true, and why bother wasting all your energy on someone else’s lie? The love you deserve is part of you to begin with. You may not be tapped into it fully. Most of us aren’t. It is a divine light – an inner truth, beauty, and goodness that makes up your being. How you allow yourself to be treated, and how you treat others is your life’s work to uncover, and re-connect back to. It’s a long journey home with lots of ups, and downs that become your lessons. We all have them on our path to discovering unconditional love. You must recognize when it’s constructive for both sides to say “No, this way of treating me is NOT OK, and here’s why. I don’t deserve this.“ Be brutally honest, and the truth of any situation will emerge for you both to face head on. Difficult conversations need to be out in the open, which requires a space of non-judgment. Fear disappears here, and  the vulnerabilities you want to express can be shared. If the energy of judgment is present, there will be no space to share your truth, and it will define the level of connection you have with someone. No one is better or worse than another, but ignorance can keep you in a false bliss or continuous suffering. It’s so much easier to avoid our fears these days. It’s so much harder to deal with the aftermath of what shows up when you face one another’s authentic thoughts and feelings, and communicate the truth of what’s really bothering you. The internal pain. It’s not the other person, it’s you noticing what isn’t working that you trust whole-heartedly because it comes from the love within you. Our frantic world of exciting movies, tv, entertainment, social activities, and all the external stuff that $ buys can …

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Finding Serenity In the Chaos

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Super Soul Sunday — Girls Night in a Twist Last Friday I joined forces with 2 colleagues for our 3rd women’s event: “Super Soul Friday – Girls Night In with a Twist”. The topic for last Friday was “Finding Peace in the Midst of Chaos”. What does it take to stay calm when faced with storms that inevitably show up in our lives? We touched on the wisdom of 3 leading experts each of us resonated most strongly with for finding our individual ways back to serenity. It got inspired when I invited some girlfriends over to watch Oprah’s Super Soul Sunday, but wanted to create a structure for deeper discussion! I was drawn to Jon Kabat-Zinn, author of ‘Wherever You Go, There You Are – Mindfulness Meditation in Every Day Life’. His calling to bridge art and science (mother an artist; father a molecular immunologist) resonated. I had a lot of questions about spiritual realities growing up surrounded by a strong medical-based family. After watching “The Secret” documentary back in 2006, it was the realization that EVERYTHING is energy – including us, that brought spirituality and science together for me in a profound way. Here are the clips I shared: Having a Morning Ritual (3 minutes) How to Restore Balance (2 minutes) Jon defines mindfulness as “paying attention on purpose, in the present moment, non-judgmentally.” There’s a widely held belief that non-judgment means having NO good or bad thoughts towards anything. Also that meditation in stillness requires having ‘no thought’ to clear your mind. I don’t exactly agree. You have between 50,000-70,000 thoughts a day, and majority of it is ‘negative noise’ – you can’t just turn them all off! It’s more about noticing the thoughts you are choosing to think from a deeper awareness, and how they are affecting you. Judging anything as ‘right/wrong’ or ‘good/bad’ tends to lead to an ‘inferior/superior’ or ‘better/worse’ perception where the ego shows up so I find it’s more valuable to ask: Is this healthy or unhealthy for my well-being?” Is this thought constructive or destructive to how I feel?” In short – is this working for me? There’s a difference between stress that’s destructive to your well-being, and struggle that helps you grow. Some of us strive in chaos. As a financial executive, my husband is one of them. He’s drawn to companies that need major upheavals to survive, and thrive. He enjoys this environment, and like most guys – getting results is highly motivating 🙂 It’s one of his strengths: staying calm enough to focus on key areas that require his attention when numerous balls are in the air. Which ones do you allow to drop? This kind of ‘chaos’ is really a ‘challenge’, or ‘struggle’ which can be exciting where things are moving, and grooving. There’s endless things to do that involves new learning, and solving problems – all great stuff! The problem is if anything consumes so much time & energy (even what you enjoy) when you finally stop to slow down, you end up putting a plug in the wheel of all the ‘doing’. Do you feel a bit empty when you slow down? Are you needing to zone out in front of the tv to relax? Do you feel lazy, antsy, or unproductive if you aren’t doing something? What becomes stressful to your well-being? Disengagement with yourself on the other parts of you that matter. Are you slowing down to notice… You’re not making time to exercise whatever that is for you Eating out a lot adds unwanted weight, not to mention digestive issues! Spending quality time is limited to doing necessary household responsibilities You miss having deeper conversations with your spouse, or children You’re having surface conversations as opposed to building meaningful friendships where you laugh so hard you cry I grew up in an environment where “getting things done” was highly valued. Working hard, and having an independent profession defined success. Everything was highly structured. At the time, it was worked well, but I could sense something was missing that ‘being mindful’ helped me see. There was more to life than doing. There was also being. Just noticing. Being present. The squeal of laughter from my children who have some of the best moments during their routine breakfast. The knowing in my friend’s eye when I sense she feels better after we talk about what’s really going on. The look, and feel in my husband’s touch. Intimacy, and connection on the soul level. I was missing it, and I began to find it when I practiced being mindful. In the midst of any experience that isn’t working for you (conflict, frustration, confusion, disappointment) is when we are most blind to what’s happening, and the greatest opportunity to grow. We react from our conditioning that often involved criticizing, and judging – blaming, and justifying our own stance of why we need to understand, follow or agree with someone else’s ‘right way’ – even when it’s not working for us! Practicing mindfulness allows you to notice “what is really going on – with me, with them, in this situation?” How much am I willing to step into my own truth of why this matters? What’s not working for me I need to face? Mindfulness brings you to a place that’s ‘judgment-free’ where your energy feels calm. It brings you back to feeling whole exactly where you are, doing the best you can because you can trust your SELF – your heart, mind, and soul. You can see, and hear others more clearly because you can see, and hear yourself. Angry, and frustrated with someone? What’s underneath your anger that may be creating it in the first place? It’s not them – they are just being themselves. It’s something that you value being stepped on – perhaps something you are not seeing fully. Get curious. Ask questions. From here, how can respond in the best way for your own well-being? Sad, and disappointed by how someone has treated you? What is really being stepped on that’s important to you that apparently isn’t what someone else may value? What can you do about it from this place? What will you share? What do you need to let go of? Mindfulness = Awareness One of most powerful ways to be mindful is to be in gratitude. At first you may have to think: ‘what am I thankful for?’ Then practice writing down 3 gratitudes every morning in a journal. Eventually you’ll notice you FEEL a sense of gratefulness wherever you go. Your awareness shifts until you ARE grateful …

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The Secret to Facing Disappointment in a Healthy Way

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The Right Way to Facing Disappointment Once you recognize your ego’s fears from my last post: What’s Underneath Your Disappointment, you may be wondering – how do you not feel internal stress, or pain when facing disappointment, and stand up for what matters to you? Facing disappointment around circumstances requires that practice of taking responsibility that we do our best. And then understand that whatever mistakes happen are there for us to grow. We stop complaining, blaming, and justifying because you can see the gift to move on constructively. Pay attention to critical or judgmental thoughts against yourself. These are powerful weapons that will keep you feeling stuck e.g. “what’s wrong with me? How could I have done that? I’m so stupid!”  Instead, practice being your own best friend. Think thoughts of what your greatest champions, and cheerleaders who believe in you would tell you. If these friends don’t exist, find new ones. The real challenge happens when someone you love, and care about has disappointed you. It can feel easier to swallow our disappointment. Numb ourselves. Avoid saying what you need to say. Imagine you’ve been accused of things that are untrue, feel misunderstood, or deeply hurt. Where do you put all that energy when you sense speaking up will only result in conflict or already has? Silence when you don’t agree sends a mixed message: it’s ok to behave this way – when inside it’s not. It’s decision time. Do you want to grow with this person? How important are they in your life? When it comes to our partner, and children figuring out how to use your disappointments to grow together is the secret to a lasting healthy connection. With friends – we get to choose, and question – are we bringing out the best in each other or does this disappointment signal we’re growing apart? We have less choice when it comes to the family we were born into, including the built-in ‘familiar culture’ of what’s acceptable, so this is where we can feel most disappointed because it’s here we often want, but don’t have space to be ourselves. There’s no requirement that you have to spend oodles of time with your family. Sometimes saying no to family gatherings is a great choice, or keeping a healthy surface relationship is an option if they drain you! But for the ones you choose to surround yourself with – the cost of holding back your true self when disappointment shows up is what shuts down the opportunity to grow together because you are choosing not to let this person into your soul – the heart of what matters to you. Spiritual growth is the spark that keeps your connections loving, alive and well. Is there a safe space to share your anger? Your sadness or while facing disappointment or is the reaction you’re getting (blame, and judgment) blocking you from communicating what’s authentic? I ask myself: does this person believe in me? To what extent? Do they see who I am at my core? Have I done my best to communicate, and LISTEN in a way that was safe for the other person to share what’s going on for them? Do I understand what drives them, and what they stand for? Is it in alignment with who I am? The answers to these questions have helped me know when to walk away, distance myself, and consciously manage whatever space exists between us. There’s a strong tendency to accomodate what isn’t working for us because anyone we care about can easily justify their behaviour, and we tell ourselves “its because I love this person, and need to accept them unconditionally – I can’t change them.” NO – this is not what it means to love unconditionally! There a slight, but massive distinction between choosing to accept, and love what you don’t agree with, knowing you both face the same direction while trusting you have each other’s back no matter what ugliness shows up. We don’t necessarily grow at the same pace, AND we experience life differently, so instead of ‘putting up with’ or ‘accommodating with resentment’, the energy of unconditional love is one of serenity not sacrifice of what you cannot change (how someone else responds that disappoints us). When someone disappoints you, and their justification is: “I do this because I love you. I think this way because I worry about you or I don’t worry because I trust you. I need this, and it will only take a moment!” Look deeper. Answer these questions for yourself:  Does love feel like that for you? Does worrying make sense in that situation? Is this a moment you are willing to give or are you being imposed upon? Check within – is this working for me? If not, speak up, and share WHY it’s not. Feeling disappointed your partner is acting in a way you’ve talked about a hundred times? If it keeps repeating, the true feelings under the disappointment are not being addressed nor understood. Is it disrespect? Loneliness? Lack of connection? Something keeps getting stepped on. Defining HOW you value something is critical when you feel disappointed. What are you not ok with? Defining the boundaries, and determining what’s reasonable is a necessary, but often painful process to walk through. Rob & Kristen Bell in their new book “The Zim Zum of Love” provide a great perspective to hold during disappointing situations.  Your partner gives you another set of eyes. Be in a space of gratitude for your different perspectives, and ask ‘help me see what I’m not seeing’. I used to get frustrated, when my husband wouldn’t call me when he arrived at a destination during his business travels. It felt disrespectful because I cared about his safety. His logic was “unless you hear otherwise, just assume I’m fine! I forget or I was busy trying to get to a meeting etc.” I pushed back, and kept reminding him because I’d explained my WHY, and now had expectations, which led to facing disappointment. So after many years of asking, and reminding, I stopped so I no longer needed to feel disappointed or worry about his safety. I gave into what worked for him even though it didn’t work for …

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What’s Underneath Your Disappointment?

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You get disappointed and you often wonder what’s underneath your disappointment? You wanted your favourite dish at a restaurant, and they’ve run out. You invest tons of time, $ and energy into a project, and it fails. You don’t get the raise. You don’t pass the test. You’re shocked, and hurt by a close friend’s reaction. Your child lies to you. Your spouse doesn’t tell you all of the truth. Bottom line: you don’t get your way. I thought I understood how to avoid disappointment. Wasn’t it just based on expectations I created? Simple solution – don’t have expectations! Stay positive in the glass half full instead of half empty perspective. Stop projecting, and be open to everyone’s point of view. Don’t assume because you don’t know everything. Let go of taking it personally. It’s about them, not you. Sure, these are practices that can help manage the angst of our greatest disappointments, but life is not black and white so where’s the grey? Circumstances happen beyond our control all the time. An accident on the highway over thanksgiving weekend, and you’re in the midst of wall-to-wall traffic. You miss your plane. You’re frustrated, angry, and disappointed. But what if you feel disappointed, and it was really self-pity? • “Why do accidents always happen when I’m driving? It’s not fair!” What if you hear on the radio the traffic is due to a car accident, and you’re in blame, and judgment? • “Why can’t people drive more carefully so they don’t get into an accident? What’s wrong with people?!” What if it’s self-blame, and self-judgment? • “Why didn’t I anticipate this? I’m so bad at planning. I should have left earlier or taken an alternate route – what’s wrong with me?” What’s the energy underneath your disappointment? Is your inner voice kind, compassionate, and understanding towards you, and everyone else, or is it judgmental, and unforgiving? We all struggle on some level with how we value ourselves. Our inner critic, and judgmental voice can run deep.  Am I good enough? Am I worthy of being loved? Do I measure up? The higher your self-worth, the better your ability to experience from a place of higher vibration that is loving, and authentic towards yourself, and others. How do you know what’s authentic for you? In times of disappointment, its our most vulnerable emotions we don’t want to feel, and do our best to avoid or deny. It may be too painful, so we mask or bury our truth with coping emotions that come from our ego to ‘control’ our disappointment. There may be genuine sadness that’s masked by our ego’s self-pity of life being ‘unfair’. Your ego may be telling yourself how you “should have, could have, would have” – or they “should have, could have, needed to..” with a blaming energy that’s keeping you stuck in resistance. What if what’s beyond your control is how other people behave – the choices they make? We can blame circumstances, but when we blame people – it’s a whole other ball game. A longtime friend or partner suddenly acts in an unexpected way that leaves you feeling devastated, upset, and angry. Are you tapping into your genuine disappointment over how you have been treated or are you in self-pity? • How could he do that to me? Are you blaming? • It’s her fault – no reasonable person behaves that way! What’s wrong with her? Are you judging (condemning) someone? • What an idiot – he or she doesn’t deserve my friendship or love! Who does he think he is? When you practice distinguishing your authentic emotions around disappointment versus how your ego is responding from fear (self-pity, blame, and judgment), something inside of you shifts your pain of ‘hanging on’ to the freedom of ‘letting go’. Are you willing to let those difficult authentic emotions flow through you? To check if your feelings are authentic, notice whether your emotional reaction to disappointment brings you closer to your higher self that has a sense of being grounded as opposed to thoughts, and emotions that keep you spiraling in a negative pattern that feels stuck, often against someone or something. Where Your Ego May Be Keeping You Stuck: If you have a need to ‘control or fix’ your life, or dictate how others should think, and behave where you don’t react well otherwise. Are you talking to other people where you are condemning (blaming) with complaints or gossip? Are you bothered or annoyed thinking someone doesn’t like you, isn’t doing what you expect, or has done something to you, but you’re telling yourself “I don’t care what they think!” or “what wrong with them?” Once you move away from your ego, you can allow yourself to feel the part of yourself that is compassionate, and non-judgmental, and the difficult emotions of loss, genuine anger, or sadness underneath any disappointment have a place to land safely.  You can be with your true emotions to begin to heal any pain, and move on with less stress. Remember, the only ego you can manage is your own. Engaging with someone’s ego is a losing battle. Ever try talking with someone who is putting you down? Who blames you for how they feel? Who demands you listen to them, but refuses to listen to you? Whose only way is their ‘right way’? If you notice yourself justifying this kind of energy within you – no matter what the situation – slow down, and recognize your ego. Others will be forced to walk away from you. They may be saying: “you are not listening!”because your ego only listens to itself. A strong ego coincides with low self-worth – a disconnection from your higher self. It’s the part of other people you cannot change, but many of us try anyway – resulting in drama. We see people struggle, and want to reach out to them, but unless they are willing to listen you cannot offer any guidance because their ego prevents them from being in a space to receive you. Our self-worth gets challenged by our own past pain, or unmet needs looking to heal. If you suffered from abandonment, you may …

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Am I Being Selfish?

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I get asked to clarify this question a lot: when am I being selfish as opposed to simply choosing what I want? Does it feel like you are chasing after the things you want? Do you find yourself trying to control, pushing hard to get somewhere, or expecting others to make you happy? When you shift from what it is to be selfish over to self-love, life begins to move in the direction you want more effortlessly. It doesn’t mean effort isn’t involved, but this kind of ‘hard work’ feels easier. I believe the root of our ‘internal pains’ – feelings of guilt, resentment, conflict, stress, betrayal, depression or worry over being selfish – ultimately stems from a self-love that is being suppressed. What could you create in your life if you let go of “what will someone think of me if I choose this path?” This is the beginning of trusting your own self-love. It doesn’t mean you don’t keep questioning your choices, but you are committed to what brings you meaning, joy, and purpose. Self-love raises your level of self-worth to give you the courage to GO FOR IT – no matter what. To speak your mind where it’s healthy, and wise to do so, and follow your heart because deep down you can trust you. Harv Eker’s Words What do you want? There’s this crazy idea that you cannot ‘have your cake and eat it too’. I still remember Harv Eker‘s words at a conference long ago yelling at the top of his lungs: “What’s the point of having cake, if you can’t eat it? !!” Inherent in any label of ‘selfishness’ is an assumption that in making choices you want, someone is being neglected, hurt, abandoned, used, taken advantage of, or victimized in the process. Someone is being ‘wronged’, so you may get judged as selfish. But is it true? Let’s face it, we’ve all met people who have no problem stepping on others for their own benefit. Some people sadly hold little regard for the genuine feelings of others. They seem to revel in gossip, and putting others down is simply expressing their opinion. There’s a connection missing they don’t realize isn’t there. Greed, self-importance, entitlement, and judgment are justified. Apologizing is extremely difficult as pride overrules.  Appearing weak where God forbid you may be wrong won’t surface in their words. They know it all, and there is no space to listen to you. They fail to see beyond the world they’ve created even in the face of people continually stepping away from their path. Not surprisingly, those who behave selfishly do not think of themselves as selfish, which is why they keep repeating the same self-destructive patterns – they’re ok with it! They can sacrifice, alienate, and walk over friends, colleagues, relatives, even the well-being of their own children to be right.  You may be bewildered, angry, or frustrated trying to understand their choices. Let it go, and focus on understanding your choices. You get to BE YOU. If you dig deeper – we all choose to do what we think is right for us. Who tries to be selfish? The difference is the intention from the place you live from, which is directly affected by the level of your own self-worth. How to Determine If You’re Being Selfish Do you recognize when you are behaving in a way that would be considered selfish? Here’s how you might be able to tell: Do you feel a sense of entitlement (like you are owed something)? Have you ever felt like people are betraying you? Are there many people regularly not meeting your expectations where you feel disappointed or appalled? Do you have feelings of jealousy, a need to control, or ownership? Do you have difficulty being happy for other people’s happiness? Is there a regular feeling of being pissed off or annoyed at the world, and how people behave? Do you get offended easily? Does life feel like an on-going competition where you need to be better than someone to ‘win’ or ‘survive’? Do you need to get your own way where others are having to give in or walk away to avoid your reaction? The “all about me” at the expense of someone else comes at a price that is difficult to see when you are in it. There’s anger, pride, and self-pity that’s really blame in disguise, and becomes self-righteousness. Thoughts of “it’s someone’s fault I feel this way” or “this happened to me because of someone” can keep you stuck in the ‘victim’ mentality. What do you really want? The hardest question: “What do you really want?” Not what you should want, or what makes sense, or pleases someone. Knowing yourself apart from everyone else’s ideals forces you to trust the deepest part of you that believes you deserve it. That knows you are already loved. It’s here that you become “one with everyone” wanting the happiness not only yourself, but everyone else. Abundance lives in this space. It’s also where you have the capability to take 100% responsibility for your own life without needing approval, validation or permission. Your values get created from a place of inner grounding that’s at peace, and you end up creating what you want from the inside out. Are you stopping yourself from pursuing your own happiness out of fear someone will not like it, be hurt, or angry?  Notice that anyone’s reaction is based on their values (who they are) – not yours. If you choose to accommodate, adjust who you are to please someone else, or avoid conflict, you may lose yourself in the name of not ‘being selfish’. You don’t want to offend or disappoint someone or believe you are causing someone else’s pain, but are you? Why would anyone who cares about you not want you to be happy doing the things that nurture you? For making choices that allow you to thrive, grow, and be your best? Unless someone felt less worthy or inferior as a result. Unless there was perhaps some jealousy or need to control. Unless someone didn’t feel good enough. Unless what you are giving to yourself is what someone doesn’t believe they deserve – no one should have that! Suddenly you become selfish. Are You Being Selfish? The question is not whether you are ‘being selfish’ – it’s “am I choosing what works for me because I believe, and know myself?” When you honour what lights you up, you become an inspiration to …

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What’s Your Limit for Freedom of Expression?

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Freedom of Expression as a Right In a world where we believe our fundamental right is freedom and freedom of expression, I have to agree with Pope Francis: “If my good friend Dr. Gasparri says a curse word against my mother, he can expect a punch,” Francis said, throwing a pretend punch his way. “It’s normal. You cannot provoke. You cannot insult the faith of others.” He adds further that it is an “aberration” to kill in the name of God and said religion can never be used to justify violence.” (HuffPost). A Talk By Marianne Williamson Even freedom is not black and white. It reminded me of a talk by Marianne Williamson where she emphasized how democracy is a spiritual pursuit. Marianne was debating whether groups like the KKK should be allowed to march. What we want, she said was a country where people are free to say whatever they want, but that if any group that promoted hatred was out ‘organizing’, hopefully no one would show up. Wouldn’t that be a wonderful world? The trouble is in our world today, people do show up, and they are prepared to be destructive towards others in the name of whatever they stand for. Terrorism in the name of God, betrayal over money, greed for title –  demand for their ‘right way’ at any cost. At what point do we collectively agree “we are not ok with that”? When it comes to condemning people, I’d argue nothing justifies it. Once you do this, you become the condemner – a “provacateur” as Pope Francis calls the extremists. You Judge Others You become the judge of others for what you deem to be ‘right’, where others become ‘wrong’, and no longer see each other as human beings. We can certainly condemn behaviour – the destructive words and actions people make that are unloving, unkind, or violent, but to choose to insult, put down, or treat anyone to be-littling, and ridicule? It’s not Ok, otherwise it becomes Ok for everyone. I’m not talking about humorous satire where the purpose is to constructively expose wider societal issues, but being mindful of attacking negatively that is really offending, controlling, humiliating or intimidating to justify your own ‘self-righteousness’. Relationships with even a hint of this energy has been proven not to thrive in the long-run. Yet I see, and hear people condemning each other regularly with their loved ones without realizing the impact or justifying it. When things don’t go our way, we can yell at our children, blame our spouse, hurl insults at friends we believe ‘offended’ us that suffocates the ability to express ourselves freely. A Disturbing Truth About Freedom of Expression It runs rampant in the media reflected in millions of you-tube views to the point where its become acceptable as entertainment that reflects a disturbing reality: we are creating our own pain. Imagine if you could live beyond all the drama, and suffering? What does it take to live your own life speaking your truth? The self-awareness of understanding where you are judging yourself, and judging others opens a door to a new level of trust within yourself, and with others. When you open up unconditionally, others can show up authentically to use the freedom of expression to express themselves more and more. A new level of trust builds. Be mindful that you open a space to receive both constructive, and destructive sides of people. Are you willing, and able to face someone else’s fears? Will they see themselves or will they end up in ‘self-righteousness’ condemning you with blame and anger? Can you discern whether they live from love or fear? I used to believe the goal is to love everyone. Isn’t that what Gandhi, and Mother Theresa did, and what Christ came to teach us? Turns out love wasn’t black and white either. How do you love anyone who chooses to kill, and has no remorse? What about people who condemn you falsely based on their self perception that doesn’t align with yours? The boss who creates a living hell for the whole company? The in-laws who look down on you for not meeting their expectations? The friend you’ve given your heart, and soul who isn’t willing to listen to your side? The spouse who is so disconnected from their self, they can’t hear you, no matter what you say? At what point do you say – enough is enough? Love requires compassion, and understanding, but you can do it from a safe distance!  Anyone who lives from a place where they control, and condemn does not experience the same level of self-love that has become part of you because if they did, they could not choose their current path. The extent, and quality of love you can give is based on your own ability to not attack by criticizing or judging yourself – to love yourself unconditionally. 5 Uncommon Views of Freedom of Expression & Loving Yourself Here’s how: 1) Let go of that voice that says “how could I have done that?” and replace it with “Ok, I chose to do that, how do I want to show up next time?” What am I willing to do to get me there? Who do I need to learn from? Whose energy do I need to be surrounded with? Who do I need to let go of? 2) Let go of criticizing, complaining, and judging other people. Notice that this is the energy of those who have lives that are consistently facing drama, suffering, and struggle to create lasting lifetime connections that are authentic. Distance yourself from this energy – it will open a space to hold more of the kind of loving energy you want. 3) Let go of worrying what anyone thinks, and step into what you want, value, and are willing to stand up for. Speak what matters without making anyone else wrong with “Here’s what I notice, here’s how I see it, here’s what isn’t working for me…what do you see, how do you feel, what do you notice?” 4) Pay close attention to who do you NOT have the freedom to express yourself with. Why not? Is it you, or is it them? Just notice, and make a conscious effort to minimize your connections with those you can’t be yourself …

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Are You Blaming, but Don’t Realize It?

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It is very hard to recognize when we are blaming someone, but easy to recognize if you are the one being blamed! Why is that? We naturally feel anger, and frustration when someone fails to say or do what we need or expect because we know what “rings our truth bells”. But when your sense of ‘right’ is being stepped on, how do you express your anger, hurt or disappointment? Are you calling someone a name or complaining about that ‘idiot’? Do you attack with accusations of who you think they are? Do you give the silent treatment holding resentment against someone for how they are choosing to be? You are needing to ‘be right’, and you are blaming. Blaming separates you from others. It shuts down meaningful conversation. Taking responsibility of the contrast you are feeling for what doesn’t resonate with you brings you closer to your authentic self. It’s the anger, hurt, and disappointment that belongs to you, and no one else that pushes you to stand up for what you believe to live true to yourself. You just can’t project it onto someone else. It’s easy to recognize when someone is blaming you because it feels like someone ‘doesn’t get me’ along with a pressure being imposed to change you with their “you should_____ or you need to _______” where their energy feels controlling, or condemning. Not to mention the yelling! Someone is trying to convince us of something we don’t feel, see or perhaps understand. They may try to correct your choices with what they think is right – giving you all that unwanted advice! We get so attached to being right that we cannot see beyond to the realization that every conflict is simply your way of seeing being different from my way of seeing. Blaming makes it someone’s fault for how you feel. It demands an apology believing someone caused your emotions, which arises because of who you are, and has nothing to do with how someone else decides to choose. What’s a True Apology? A true apology happens when you take responsibility for your thinking or actions because you believe you’ve done something wrong not what someone else believes was wrong (you don’t agree with), and they felt hurt! You may feel bad or ‘sorry’ that someone else is hurting because of what you choose, and feel compassion, but this is different from a sincere apology for your own misdoing that you want to learn, and grow from. Here’s the tricky part. You not only have to deal with others who may be blaming you, but they may be blaming themselves. They can’t hear you because all they need is your apology to confirm they are right. They want you to say “you are a good person” because inside they do not feel “good enough”. The ego has 2 sides when it blames. There’s an insecurity seeking approval that can appear ‘childlike’ having a tantrum, alongside an aggressive self-righteousness that can appear confident, and will be attacking. It’s the “I don’t need to listen to you! Who do you think you are?” with an underlying sense of despair for someone to rescue them from their own self-pity, and “poor me” victim mentality they cannot see. If you get confronted with someone’s ego, what is your first response? To run the other way! You will shut down, and stop sharing unless you are willing to face a battle. That battle may be worth fighting depending on who it is, and whether you feel they are ready to ‘hear your truth‘, (not necessarily agree), and whether you are ready to hear theirs. An opportunity for both sides to grow can now play out. Getting to the heart of any issue requires putting our self-righteous ego aside to not only get curious about what you are hearing, but noticing your own reaction. How might your own energy be pushing someone into defensiveness or silence, and keeping you both in despair, resentment or rage because now both of you are coming from your destructive egos? To manage your ego, take a hard look at the experiences you truly want, and look to those who model that. If you are having regular conflicts with many different people, or those you care about are walking away, chances are it’s your ego that is creating it, and you are likely blaming others. Check in with: Am I showing up from a place of love (compassion, empathy, curiosity, and understanding) or fear (condemning, controlling, convincing, or correcting) when things don’t go my way? Blame sounds like this: • “how can you think that way?” (something’s wrong with you) instead of why are you thinking that way? (curiosity) • “I don’t need to know what you think” (unable or not willing to listen) “because this is what I think, and I know I’m right” (self-righteousness) • “You didn’t cause me any pain and I’m good”, but their anger, running away, shutting down, inability to listen, and defensiveness indicates blame (they are in denial) • “I’m not as good as you are” or “you don’t accept me as I am!” (inability to show ‘weaknesses’ while going into the ‘child-like’ place of self-pity, and victimhood) When someone is blaming, there’s no space for authenticity. You will hit a wall. A shift has to happen away from blame to even get over to curiosity, and seeking to understand. Deep down blame stems from not feeling ‘good enough’ or ‘loved’, and seeking love outside of ourselves. We are missing a strong sense of self-love. It’s someone’s fault for not loving us now. We take it personally. It’s always them (blame), and never you because of x, y, and z. This is why we suffer, and get into drama. Pay close attention to your own energy whenever you are in conflict because once you can recognize when you are blaming, it’s the first step to not reacting if someone is blaming you, or trying to be authentic with you …

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How Do I Forgive the Unforgivable?

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How Do I Forgive the Unforgivable Recently I came across a free documentary called “Beyond Right and Wrong”. It addresses situations of unspeakable acts that are considered by anyone to be unforgivable. Do you have someone in your life you cannot forgive yet you’re still considering to forgive the unforgivable. The title immediately struck me because it’s how I began understanding what it means to judge someone – needing to be right where someone becomes wrong. I discovered holding this energy against someone will block your ability to forgive. Breaking the Myths 1) Forgiveness can feel impossible because it seems like we’re allowing someone to get away with something, and not take responsibility. Forgiveness does not condone destructive behaviour. 2) Learning to forgive stops the resentment of holding a grudge, but doesn’t mean you necessarily stop feeling the hurt from the ‘wrong-doing’. 3) Forgiveness doesn’t mean forgetting because we remember the emotional hurts we feel in our lives, just as we remember the emotional joys. Forgiveness moves your pain into a safe place where you can let go of blaming, and set yourself free so you can move on. Understanding how to forgive requires that you see beyond right and wrong to a place of consciousness where we are all connected, and allows you to make the distinction between the choice someone makes from their awareness versus who someone IS. Every person is a soul with a body, and a mind with their own free will. It’s the one right you don’t want to ever let go of: the freedom to choose what to say, think, believe, and how to act. Some will choose unwisely in ways that won’t make sense to you, but this is their learning for their life based on their level of consciousness. We all make mistakes that reflect our level of awareness. How others choose is out of your control. When we hold a grudge, we mistakenly think we should have control over what other people choose. What Prevents Forgiveness The main belief that prevents forgiveness is: “it’s your fault I feel this way, and you should have ________ my right way.” We believe it so strongly that it blinds us into feeling someone “did this to me”. You give away your power, and become the victim of what someone else chose. We are each born with a given set up capabilities, and are socialized to believe what is right and wrong. No one thinks “I am wrong” before they do anything. Some may think “this is wrong, and I don’t care”, but even these people think “I am right” in ways they will justify. When We Believe People are Wrong When we believe people ARE wrong, (as opposed to the choices are wrong for you), we blame them for how we feel. Our soul is whole, and when we are connected to our highest consciousness we act from pure LOVE to make loving choices. It’s when we move away from this place towards fear, and insecurity that we can no longer see each other’s human frailty to realize we all make mistakes, but we’re only responsible for the ones we make, not the ones other people make! Those are their lessons to learn. Whoever you need to forgive — try to see them as a child trying to find their way. Imagine them in a different world from the one you experience. Do you notice how their upbringing, understanding, and experiences have created the realities in their life? Can you see the patterns of any fear in the form of pride, competitiveness, jealousy, judgment, unworthiness, and insecurity? It’s difficult to see the angle of someone’s inner world to understand why they make certain choices that are not working for you. Whatever someone has ‘done to you’ is coming from a place within them that is separate from who you know yourself to be. That’s why you are upset, perhaps feeling betrayed, and hanging onto ‘they should have..’, and ‘how could they?’ Their ‘wrongdoing’ provides a valuable contrast of who they are choosing to be in your world. They cannot see from their perspective what you are seeing from yours otherwise they would have chosen your way! To Steps to Finding Forgive the Unforgivable 1) You are a soul that has been given free will to choose what matters, and works for you. 2) Any pain you feel belongs to you, and is coming from what you value. 3) Take 100% responsibility for how you are responding from who you know, and trust yourself to be by letting go of the lie “you did this to me”, which makes you the victim of someone else’s choices. 4) Understand that everyone chooses from the place of their own sense of ‘right and wrong’ that works for them even if it ends up hurting you. 5) You have no control over how other people choose, just as you would not want anyone to control how you choose. 6) Recognize that how anyone chooses reflects their upbringing, socialization, and experiences that you cannot ever fully see from their perspective, and why we often think “how could you think that or behave that way?” 7) If you could see what was inside their body, mind, and soul – you could probably understand, but not necessarily agree with their choices, and this allows you to shift towards compassion. 8) Look for the lesson in the pain you are feeling – what did you learn about this person? About yourself? What part of this (if any) was my responsibility where you need to forgive yourself for making a mistake? 9) Step into gratitude for this opportunity to grow yourself, and feel more connected to what matters to you. 10) Trust that something bigger is available when you can forgive that will open up something you least expect. Conclusion When you realize the faulty paradigm of making someone wrong – judging another person – is what blocks our ability to forgive, …

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Can You Hear Me?

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I was at Starbucks the other day, and couldn’t help overhearing a conversation between 2 young lovers having a heated conversation sitting just a few feet away. The woman was trying to tell the guy why she ‘needed some space to think about things’. The guy was not happy asking in an angry tone “what happened? can you hear me? It’s fine for 6 months, and the last 2 days it’s no longer fun? What’s going on?” In his frustration he communicated there was something wrong with her, and he needed an answer now. She tried to explain how the little things were HUGE for her. I could sense her trying to be playful mixed with the discomfort of attempting to ease the blow. I could also tell he wasn’t listening. There was a complete disconnection between these 2 people, and I wanted to jump in and say “you are not hearing each other! Do you care about each other? Are you willing you take a moment, and express what you’re really feeling?” Do You Hear Me? Here’s how you can do this. If you start with “when I hear you say ________ or I watch you do ________ , I feel ________, and what I want you to understand is ________ because _________ is what matters to me.” Then wait for a response and listen to see what was heard. You could ask “Do you see what I’m saying? Do you hear me? Please tell me what you just heard.” I’d get each one to be silent when the other was talking focusing their attention on “what is this person wanting me to understand?” not “here’s what your problem is _______”. I think about the difficult conversations I’ve had with my husband, my children, friends, and family where we are not hearing each other, and how I’ve had to slow down, notice my emotions taking over, pay attention to the words, and tone I’m using. When a discussion is escalating nowhere fast – both of us are often coming from our ego’s fear of needing to be understood and we’re unable to listen to what’s happening in someone else’s different world. If I’m needing to convince, or control someone, I’m attached to them getting me, instead of me understanding where are they coming from first. I can’t acknowledging their hurt, anger or frustration because I don’t get why. Once they feel understood, there’s more space to share my truth. Here’s the tricky part I’ve been learning the hard way: there can be a gap not just in how we communicate, but what is able to be heard from someone else’s experience without judgment, or criticism showing up on the other side. If someone’s response is going to be attacking you with insults, rage, defensiveness, contempt, or taking you personally, does it make sense to even share your truth? What good would come of it? Sometimes there’s no place for what you see to land safely because there’s a lack of capacity to not react poorly.  Compassion, understanding and patience is no where to be found. At this point, you choose: is it healthy for my own well-being to push through the rising conflict? There’s only a possibility for you to grow together if you can both get safely to the other side. If you try to engage with someone’s ego that is condemning you, no matter how you show up, nothing will get resolved. If your ego shows up to protect you in defensiveness, the conflict will escalate further into drama. Think of it as meeting someone by matching their “vibe of self-love”. You can adjust yours with them, but you can’t change theirs to meet you because only they have control of the love they feel within themselves. Only they know what they know. Giving them more than they can receive can backfire because you will have expectations based on what you give. And, that doesn’t match how they see themselves so they will push you away. “LOVE IS THE ABSENCE OF JUDGMENT” ~Dalai Lama This revelation was both the most painful, and most enlightening realization. Giving unconditional love to someone may not be available when they cannot give it to themselves. Sometimes walking away, or not sharing everything is the compassionate approach. With children who don’t know how to express their emotions appropriately, all they need is to be seen. And acknowledged “I can see that this is hard for you, did you want to share what’s upsetting you? I’m going to give you some space.” If you punish children – get angry at them instead of giving them appropriate consequences to teach them correctly. Their egos will also push back into tantrums, shutting down, and you’ll miss the opportunity to connect authentically. Here’s what I practice in those difficult conversations as a wife, friend, mom, and as a coach.. 1) Am I being critical with generalizations that make someone feel wrong where I am blaming “you always, you never…why are you so…you don’t care about me” 2) Am I being judgmental with “how could you think…”in a sarcastic manner, or holding condemning thoughts eg. you must be stupid, disgusting, selfish, incompetent. 3) Am I being defensive with “I did this because you ___.” when I don’t agree with that way in the first place, or “Yes, BUT you ___” instead of focusing on what’s not working for me, and listening to what’s not working for them. Do I accept that what someone is saying, thinking or doing is their perception, and I’m not making up stories about them based on what I don’t like? 4) Am I stone-walling with avoidance, changing the subject or giving the silent treatment with an intention of disapproval to make the other person feel wrong so they will agree with me? Relationship expert John Gottman called these the 4 horseman: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stone-walling that will end a relationship. Contempt (‘judgment’ that condemns) was the #1 predictor that will …

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