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How Do You Encourage Change?

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We know it’s difficult to encourage change and changing other people is not only impossible, it’s not how you want to show up.  Who wants to hang out with someone who’s trying to change you? Yet, we can all admit to ways we notice where change is desperately needed, and frankly how do you just sit back & watch as people suffer unnecessarily when you can see what would be helpful? A wise coach once told me.. You don’t really help anyone as a coach. I don’t? No. Everyone chooses whether to listen, follow, and decide what works for them. As a coach, you empower people to embrace and encourage change from the inside out. Helping isn’t transformational. Change comes from within. But aren’t there ways to encourage change that is positive in people? And how do you do it without offending or alienating someone? What Lincoln Did to Encourage Change On a family vacation last week – something got my attention. We were visiting Washington D.C., and the story of Lincoln’s ability to abolish slavery happened in a swift 3 year period despite little support, and a widespread highly racist  consciousness. Did you know that between 1525 and 1866, according to the Trans-Atlantic Slave Trade Database, 12.5 million African slaves were shipped to the New World with only 10.7 percent surviving the journey? Of those, only ~450,000 or 4% ended up in the U.S. Brazil received 4.86 million or 45% of these African slaves! Mass prejudice existed worldwide where an entire continent of people were regarded as ‘less than human’. People bought, and sold like goods. How did that epic amendment get ratified to begin shifting this global ignorance for the better? The story goes that Lincoln felt the hypocrisy of a constitution that stood for the “blessings of liberty”, but watched uneasily as blacks were sold into slavery. What if he could free slaves by creating an ulterior motive people could get behind like winning the civil war. If blacks could enlist in the Union army, it would be a ‘war measure’. He proposed the emancipation proclamation in the summer of 1862 to his cabinet that changed any ‘enslaved person’ from the status of ‘slave’ to ‘free’, but only in the Rebellious states. You can’t antagonize everyone, even with the right vision. Baby Steps. His own cabinet wasn’t behind him suggesting he wait until a key battle was won so his proclamation didn’t look like a desperate measure, or one that couldn’t be enforced. Be Patient. Lincoln waited. By September 1862 with a key battle won, he issued the proclamation first as a warning. Be Committed. With no sign of surrender, it became official on January 1st, 1863.  Approximately 179,000 slaves  joined to help keep the country together. A moral element was now integrated in the war effort. Freedom. What do you imagine happens when you put opposing people together to fight for a single cause? Shift Attitudes. Though Lincoln was morally opposed to slavery, he couldn’t see giving blacks equal rights, and didn’t fight to abolish slavery initially. On closer examination, his ideal confronted an opposing stark reality. Blacks were not regarded as equal human beings. For whites, and blacks to live together in peace, and on equal footing at that time was unimaginable. The only viable solution seemed to be colonization or sending slaves back to their own country. To this day, some still condemn Lincoln as a racist. You can’t please everyone. The idea of freedom for ALL was now stirring in the minds of more people, and Lincoln’s ideal gathered momentum when he was re-elected for a second term. Having a higher vision can change you in the process to make the impossible possible. By 1864, Lincoln seemed to realize that amending the constitution was the only way to avoid returning blacks to slavery after they’d given their life to the cause. He proposed the 13th Amendment effectively abolishing slavery for the 4,000,000 enslaved living across the country. It didn’t go through. Stay committed to your dream. He was re-elected for a second term in 1864, and the amendment eventually passed with seven votes above the necessary two-thirds majority, and this famous Amendment came into effect December 1865. What was once acceptable became unacceptable. I believe it helped influence Brazil to follow its lead when it became the last country in the Western World to abolish slavery in May 1888 for its 4,000,000 slaves. Lincoln was quoted as saying on the signing of the Amendment, “If my name ever goes into history it will be for this act, and my whole soul is in it.” Speak to enough people’s souls. Last week as I caught glimpses of the American election, I wondered where people’s souls were today. With Candidate Trump’s growing popularity in the polls – opting for a wall to be paid for by Mexico no less? Banning all Muslims? Blaming other countries for poor trade deals? It felt like the world was going backwards. As a neighbouring Canadian, frankly it’s scary because the “fear side” is still such a strong force today. As our prime minister Justin Trudeau shared a few months ago fear does not make us safer, it makes us weaker…painting a group with a broad brush is not just ignorant, it’s irresponsible. Is being a billionaire, and a celebrity so blinding? Since when did the controlling, and condemning stances on every issue become acceptable? Isn’t this how a certain Chancellor rose to power? Playing into vindication, blame, and prejudice? It’s a dangerous combination – $$ from a “conquer at any cost” combined with political power to make laws other people must follow. Led by someone who has to keep reminding everyone I’m a nice guy… in case you forgot. It reminded me of the way some private equity companies go into fledging businesses.  Bulldoze. Toss. Win-lose.  Behaviour where $$ is the only bottom line driver, and people are thrown. It’s an attitude I saw firsthand as I watched one past …

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Funerals Better Than Weddings ??

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Last Saturday, I attended a funeral of an elderly relative where the reverend announced that she thinks funerals better than weddings because  “people are more real.” Ironically the weekend before, I was at a wedding. Years go by now where I attend neither one. It made me stop, and reflect. There was more authenticity at this funeral than the wedding, but difficult to compare apples to oranges in terms of preference when one is generally happy for good reason while the other sad for good reason. Funerals better than weddings? A funeral has the gift of hindsight that exposes a life filled with precious relationships of those now deeply missing you while a wedding can only hold the promise of such a relationship. Will you be missed? It was one of the ‘tell-tale’ signs in my dating days to signal  a relationship was over. I no longer felt that sense of “missing someone” during their absence. We had either grown apart or were too incompatible, and it was time to move on. After hearing many heartfelt tributes in voices strained with emotion, and at times overflowing tears unable to be contained, I knew that my aunt was loved dearly, and will be missed by many, especially by her husband, and first love of over 50 years. My uncle described to me how she seemed to know it was her time after battling a rare form of stomach cancer the past few months. I’d visited her in hospital on Christmas day, and though in pain, was still in good spirits with a smile. In her final days, she no longer needed pain medication, was at home, and had passed peacefully holding her beloved’s hand. “How do you want to be remembered at your funeral?” the reverend asked. I’d heard a similar question many times throughout the world of coaching: “What is the legacy you want to leave?” The wedding had been for the President of the company my husband currently works for. It was beautiful, fun, lovely. The pastor at the ceremony said “we must pray for this couple’s happiness as they need all the help they can get. Marriages are hard.” We all laughed uncomfortably knowing the statistics, and our own experiences with long lasting happy marriages, yet still holding onto the hope for the love we witnessed that day. I’d met this elderly aunt (my mom’s cousin) for the first time 14 years ago. She’d arrived to help bring my newborn twin girls to their early doctor’s appointments with my nearly 2 year old son. I didn’t like to ask for help, but I was so exhausted from sheer lack of sleep let alone getting myself, and 3 little human beings to an appointment on time. My mom suggested I reach out to my aunt  – she was retired, lived nearby, and loved seeing children play, and smile. She’d later arrive with the most delicious chiffon cakes that my kids would devour. I’d send Xmas cards, and visit occasionally. Turns out her cakes were famous among many, not just my children! What creates lasting connection? I barely knew this aunt, yet always felt a closeness from how she gave so selflessly when I was desperate. All you want is for her to be happy. There always seemed to be many friends, and family around her. This part of us that’s real where we feel better as a result of having known someone. A funeral reveals that kind of success. It was described in a poem I’d collected in my teen journal not understanding what authenticity in our connections really meant until I began experiencing glimpses myself:   Everything else, your worldly possessions, education & career success, or reaching the top monetarily – what we work so hard to achieve holds a different value of “successful doing” that can’t compare to experiencing life through the relationships you create of “successful being”. Getting things accomplished is important, but what’s more valuable is how you are being as that determines whether you will be missed at all.  It reminds me of Apple founder, Steve Jobs in a previous blog where I noticed the backlash about his character after his passing. Yes he will be remembered for what he did, but it’s his character that lives at the real level, and remains with us. We want to be remembered for who we are, which becomes the foundation for what we do. These need to align to be truly successful. We’ve all met people where “what you do speaks so loudly I cannot hear what you are saying.” No matter what you’ve accomplished, it gets diminished if who you are isn’t respected, and cherished. I try to remember this when my kids walk into the room excited to tell me something, and I’m in the middle of working. Am I being present or annoyed? I’m mindful of the last time I spent with a friend laughing, and crying while getting the finances & laundry done. I realize that I had to endure a few false friendships to appreciate the beauty of what I value about someone’s character, and who I don’t want to be. When did I last appreciate my husband for his hard work as the main provider financially for our family that allows me to do what I love so I can give the best of me, and leave the world a little better? Am I earning the affection of my youngest nieces & nephews, and respect of my own children with our time spent together? What am I giving? Who am I helping? How am I making a difference? Who, and what will be missed about you at your funeral? Being mindful in your daily life of how you want to be remembered will ensure that when your time arrives, you will be loved, and missed not only for what you did, but for who you are. I believe that’s real success worth striving for.

Standing in Your Truth Without Condemning

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Last weekend I was having a conversation with my husband (Ok it was a heated discussion) on our 4 hour drive back from a wedding (in Ohio) about standing in your truth even when it may have a detrimental effect. How do you best share your position in the face of someone else’s controlling or condemning behaviour? Is it worth triggering someone’s ego while standing your truth? I was telling my husband how impressed I was after watching a clip a while back of our prime minister, Justin Trudeau, and how he handled a question posed by someone from my hometown, Oakville (no coincidences)! She asked: “Will you stand up to Donald Trump, and condemn his hateful rhetoric? What would you say about his politics?” What’s interesting is the assumption that in order to stand up for something you disagree with, you need to condemn. Not true. My husband works in the corporate automotive world, and there can be a lot of egos to manage so there’s a tendency to avoid as opposed to speak up. I realize sometimes things are better left unsaid, but sometimes it is not. Justin displayed how you can stand up to a behaviour he strongly disagrees with without condemning Donald. Instead he simply stated his own position clearly while holding an intention to maintain positive relations. It was marvellous, especially his final lines on fear, and diversity – the ignorance, and irresponsibility of it! And so rare in a world where power tends to attract controlling, and condemning behaviour fuelled by fear. It’s so easy it seems to blast someone for a behaviour you don’t like. Harder to be in non-judgment, and compassion. I’ve run into a few characters in the self-development world operating their businesses in a competitive, controlling manner that has also been divisive. The impact has been destructive to those around them. I’ve had to speak up on a number of occasions – sometimes it has ended some connections. What becomes clear is how this process helps you see yourself more clearly. I know exactly what I stand for, and it gives me the courage to keep speaking up for what’s right in my own life, live true to myself, and what I value. I want others to do that more in their lives for what’s right for them. It’s also opened the space to attract more like-minded people – when one misaligned door closes, another one opens with more aligned energy : ) It’s not simply about moving on to better, and brighter possibilities, its about stepping further into your own truth, and light. My husband had read an article on this interview, and argued that Justin would be better not to have shared his negative opinion in case Donald wins! Why share that now when the election outcome is not known? That Canada may now suffer as a result. I could understand where he was coming from knowing what he deals with at work. But there’s a fine line between speaking up, and remaining silent on the things that matter. From how you can be authentic, without judging (condemning someone) when you’re put in a situation that calls you forth to speak your position. In particular, when you are in a leadership or influential position (including parents for their children, teachers for their students, friends for their friends ), it is imperative (in my opinion) that you speak up. Not only for what’s right, but for those who look to you for guidance to place their trust. In the end, you can move forward… In the end, you can move forward more strongly than ever because you’ll gain the trust of others by speaking up.  At first, it may feel like you are alone because few are willing to speak up when there is a conflict. What I’ve learned is the more you speak up, the more you will discover others speaking up in their own life too! It’s like you’re giving other people permission to follow what their inner voice is telling them when before it was just easier to avoid, and make peace. I was really good at not listening to my inner voice for a very long time, and it wasn’t until I started speaking up that I began to hear it louder. My husband and I agreed to disagree. Until we got home, and I showed him the clip because his conclusion still baffled me, and perhaps the article he’d read was slanted one way? I was curious. And to be honest, disappointed. A little disappointment can go a long way! The majority of what I see in the little I read in the media has a slant to arouse fear, point out someone’s faults, or stir up trouble, which is why I limit its energy coming into my own thinking, and prefer to hear what I choose is relevant to my life. Like this clip that popped up because I was curious what Justin had to say on this topic, and googled it. After watching – see below, my husband says “oh, he didn’t really say anything against Donald…that was ok to say.” Hmmmm…slanted article he’d read. It wasn’t about who was right or wrong, but do we even hold a similar vision? Does he understand why I was so inspired? Thankfully, yes, and the whole discussion ended up bringing us  closer. These kinds of heated debates when we’re both willing to listen, and not attack each other despite being on opposite ends brings that gift of growing together. To speak your difficult truth: 1) Acknowledge what you value. What is important for you to maintain? 2) Listen to someone else’s truth from curious place to make sure you understand how it could be their truth from where they are coming from even if you disagree. 3) State clearly what you stand up for, and bring in examples of where this has been the case to illustrate your consistent position. 4) Consider if your truth is something the other person would be able to receive without them becoming destructive/attacking towards you.  Have the courage to share a lesser difficult truth, and …

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The Foundation of Love

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I wrote an article a while back called “The Foundation of Love” – Releasing Judgments and Expectations for Tinybuddha.com when I first learned the destructive impact of judgment in our personal relationships. I still hear from readers where this message of living judgment-free continues to resonate. I believe it’s the secret sauce to experiencing unconditional love when no one gets attacked for being wrong with someone else’s conditions of  their ‘right’ way. It transformed the way I could connect authentically with the people in my life. There was more freedom to be who I am, and an opportunity to see others as they truly are. I’ve become more clear about the foundation of this elusive thing we call love, and wanted to share some deeper insights. This straight talk by relationship expert Esther Perel offers some profound insights into why it’s so difficult to hold onto the passion in our partner connection  – sexual intimacy, excitement, and joy over time. She distinguishes between what we desire versus what we need – where do they intersect? Stability or Adventure? Can you have both? The space to grow spiritually in your own skin is so important. THE SECRET TO DESIRE IN A LONG-TERM RELATIONSHIP Although she’s referring to a partner relationship, I believe you can apply these ideas to any long-term relationship. How is your parent-child connection? What about with co-workers or friends?  What keeps it together? Both stability, and aliveness are necessary. There’s a misconception about what we think loving unconditionally means, while seeking these 2 fundamentals in our relationships: what we need, and what we want. The general belief goes: “no matter what anyone does, or how they treat us, we’re supposed to love them anyway.” Not exactly. Are you ok if someone attacks you? Are you supposed to be tolerant, or worse complacent? What if someone’s attitude is annoying or their complaining sucks the energy out of you?  Criticizing or judging them for showing up badly will backfire on you. You become someone who is now attacking with your own justification. We’ll all entitled to our own negative opinion, or conclusion about any behaviour. We can disengage from it’s toxic energy, but allowing its energy to set yourself up against another person will come back to poison you. People won’t trust you fully, and won’t show up authentically. You’ve shown them that it’s not safe in your energetic space when you openly criticize, and judge other people. Masks will be worn. You won’t know who’s trying to please you, or avoid you. When you reach an acceptance of who you are with your perceived faults, and mistakes, and still love yourself without self-criticism or self-judgment – you develop an enormous capacity to create a safe space with others. You don’t have to like everything about yourself to love yourself, but being self-destructive with blame, guilt, or shame will block love from flowing. This prayer has been the wisdom for this vision of living judgment-free: Serenity Prayer God grant me the serenity To accept the things I cannot change, The courage to change the things I can, And the wisdom to know the difference. Conditional love says ‘follow my way’ or I’ll stop loving you. You stop bringing love to someone by the way you treat them. Maybe its a snide remark, or deep-seated resentment, indifference, even hate. It’s conditional when criticism, and judgment are part of your relationship on either side. I need you to do it this way (criticism) or I need you to be this way (judgment) in order for me to treat you to my love. I still get asked “what are your 4 C’s again”? It’s been a huge challenge to describe in words what can only be understood in practice! The 4 C’s describe the kind of energy you hold when you criticize or judge that blocks love with your conditions of making someone ‘right or wrong’. These are Correcting and Convincing for criticism, and Controlling and Condemning for judgment. It becomes a divisive space between you, and someone else instead of a unifying one.  Judgmental energy creates blind spots, especially with those closest to us because we want them to see, and experience the world the way we do. Criticism, and judgment tends to be lumped together as the same concept, and I had difficult clearly distinguishing them. With both criticism, and judgment, you are trying to change someone to behave your ‘right way’ of how you think they should behave, what they should do. We criticize. I Correct my daughter’s behaviour as if she’s broken needing me to ‘fix her’ by pointing out what she’s doing wrong instead of showing her how to do it right. I try to Convince my husband that he should eat healthier providing all kinds of information with an imposing energy that makes him feel wrong for however he’s eating. The immediate reaction will be defensiveness because no one likes being told what to do that runs against what they are currently doing. Unless they’ve asked for your guidance or the space of trust, and non-judgment is present to share your suggestions it’s unwanted advice. They simply may not be open, ready or in a place to understand. We judge. I get controlling with the way I need something done where I’m now yelling, and forcing my child to follow my ‘orders’. It becomes a tug of war. I condemn a false friend who’s acted in ways that are completely unacceptable to me for how I would treat anyone – let alone a friend. There’s resentful energy in me that’s judgmental I need to release. I can justify the way I feel to stand up for my values, but the contrast is also necessary to give me a stronger picture of who I am, and who I am not. To be in serenity is to accept that I cannot change someone who is choosing to behave in ways I don’t like. That’s a choice they make, and allowing them to choose gives me a new found freedom. I get to choose not to receive their negative gifts by how I show up. Self-criticism will lead to feelings of guilt (doing wrong). Self-judgment will lead to feelings of shame (being wrong). Your ‘inner critic’ is not your discerning voice, neither is your ‘inner judge’. These come from your ego that lives from fear. Your objective mind, and soul jointly discern what’s ‘right, and wrong’ for you from …

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Are You Creating Your Best Ever Authentic Year?

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I recently held a workshop to share an approach of aligning authentically that has helped me consistently create an even more fulfilling year than the one before. Here are the highlights. One of the most influential books I read years ago, and still actively practice is balancing my 4 energies from the bestseller: The Power of Full Engagement. It’s program continues to reach thousands in the business world through the Human Performance Institute where you can complete your own FREE energy profile. The gist: managing your energy is more important than managing your time to be fully engaged in life. The goal is to reach your maximum energy potential to become: • mentally focused • emotionally connected • physically energized and spiritually aligned. Just as you must stretch past your existing limits to physically grow your muscles, so must you move past your comfort zone to develop your strength in these equally critical areas. Most of us tend to focus primarily on our weight, and fitness level for our outer strength, and physical health, but its our inner strength that fuels lasting change, and a true healthy balance. How valuable is being physically energized if you’re emotionally stressed? What if your home is totally organized for mental focus, but spiritually you have no sense of purpose, meaning or deep connection in your relationships? It requires consistent rituals tied to your authentic values. Take risks, be vulnerable, and notice how strong you didn’t realize you could become. I believe our spiritual energy is the main driver for the other 3 energies. It’s at the centre leading the way, and the core of who you are that allows you to align authentically on all 4 levels. Your soul manages your emotional, mental, and physical energy.  Your character, and sense of purpose define your soul. Who are you? What matters to you? How do you treat others? Do you believe in a friendly, abundant Universe or one that is competitive where there is not enough? One journey finds its way joyfully with inner strength, the other with fear, and requiring outer strength. There’s a balance where you can have both, but in the extremes you will lose your way. It’s how you believe spiritually that matters. I’ve been watching Oprah’s latest documentary series called Belief. Seeing the vastly different ways millions of people believe about who we are, why we’re here, our universal quest for happiness, purpose, and navigating our struggles reminded me of how influenced we are simply by where you happened to be born. It’s like your entire belief system is downloaded ahead of time, and that becomes your reality. Until you start questioning it all. Your life, and how you experience it rests on this one vital idea: how do you apply what you believe? If you want to create your own life, open your eyes to the infinite of what you believe is possible, and suddenly all the rules, and expectations begin to fall away. DREAM BIG. All the ‘shoulds’ the media feeds, and those around you imposing what you need, and should want that don’t belong to you becomes more apparent as you tap into trusting what you believe is true for you, and following your heart. Do not forget that NO OTHER SOUL walks in the shoes you wear. Trust your inner voice. Anyone thinking how you should live is coming from their own perception of reality, not yours. Your “inspirition, and imagination” comes from developing your soul.  Your soul is your ‘mid-mind’ that is midway between the material, and spiritual that your personality accesses throughout your lifetime. Your personality is your unique gift, bestowed at birth, and is separate from your soul. Getting into your peace allows you to tap into your soul, and discover what your heart most values. There’s a being driving all the doing that creates a rhythm to move you forward almost effortlessly. Signs, and synchronicities start showing up giving you evidence you are aligning spiritually. One of my signs is seeing 11:11, and many versions of it. Birds have been another sign. They appear in ways that still astound me, but no longer surprise me. It’s like the Universe is winking at me, and whispering “there is so much more here than your physical eyes can see.” The movie “I Origins” shows a remarkably similar journey I experienced when I began seeing 11:11..I ended up with both validation, and more questions leading me in the direction I’m being called to go. 6 Steps to Completing Your Best Year Ever: 1. Complete the left side of this fun worksheet to review last year from Moritz Fine Designs. She creates printables that are simple, and effective. I did this exercise with my family over the holidays – my 3 teens loved sharing the answers to these questions – memorable, and valuable! 2. Find out where you are right NOW in all your life areas by completing your wheel of life. How satisfied are you in these areas out of 10? Discover your areas of focus for 2016. 3. Get super inspired by watching this video by Robin Sharma. It’s my absolute favourite to create your one page plan. 4. In 2010, I met the authors of the NY Times Bestseller: The Passion Test at their conference in San Diego. I learned how to formulate, and live my top 5 passions:“When my life is ideal I am….”. After each one write “this or something better” to create a clear intention. Writing is powerful. Don’t underestimate it. What lights you up? What matters most? Here’s one of mine…”I am experiencing spiritual relationships that are inspiring, connected, and wildly fulfilling” that ties into my value of spiritual growth. It creates miracles when you let your passions lead your life. 5. Be prepared to tap into your soul’s true potential by watching brain scientist Jill Bolte Taylor‘s experience of having a stroke especially if you tend to look through a more scientific lens. For an equally powerful, more artistic perspective, watch Elizabeth Gilbert‘s brilliant talk on Your Elusive Creative Genius. 6. Return to the worksheet in step 1, and complete the right side to create your best 2016. ENJOY co-creating your magnificent year..

What are Synchronicities?

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Are you wondering what synchronicities are? Let me explain… Last Friday evening my husband asked “do you want to watch an episode of Anthony Bourdin’s Parts Unknown about Iran?” Sure, I was curious, and besides it was a show he loved: great food ideas and exploring new places. Here’s ” the episode ” (40 minutes). Whatever ideas you had about Iran, I suspect they may change after watching this. I’m very aware of how our media is slanted towards its own agenda, playing heavily on our fears, but I had no idea how much of a picture has been painted of a people I knew relatively NOTHING about. What I couldn’t see was the total complexity here, extremes of joy, and beauty, mixed with sadness, and control. Their culture, traditions, and history they’ve had to face. I look at what we deal with in our own country, and that old cliche hits home. We are so much more similar than different facing our own struggles, and craziness. During the episode, Anthony spoke candidly with American Washington Post Correspondent, Jason Rezaian, and his wife about living in Iran the past 5 years. During filming of the episode, Jason was arrested, and by time it aired, he was still a prisoner after 10 weeks. My heart sank. I was so compelled to find out what happened to him, I quickly googled him, desperate to know if he’d been released. I found myself staring at a photo of him in this article beside Jeff Bezos (founder of Amazon.com & owner of Washington Post), whose private jet he’d just flown home in. The article was published THE EXACT SAME DAY I’d watched the episode! Jason had been in prison for a year and a half. It felt like a miracle seeing his relieved grin. I’m often asked ‘what is a synchronicity’? For me, when I’m tapped into something meaningful that captures my attention. I’ll often see 11:11 pop up somewhere or a version of “11” like 3:11, seeing exit 111 on the highway, or this week having snapshot of our Charity Gala appearing on page 11 in our local newspaper. I started seeing 11:11 as a child; I suspect it was around the same time I had fallen at age 6 about 20 feet over a cliff on a bicycle, and lay unconscious beside a tree that happened to be growing from the side. It saved me dropping another 40 feet to rocks below. Soon after watching this tv episode, I glanced over to see 11:11 on the clock. I have NEVER seen it if I’m ever trying to look for it. It’s a sign for me that ‘this is not your only reality’ – this physical world that you see. There’s something bigger going on. A force that exists wanting me to pay attention because I’m noticing it at all. A synchronicity I can’t ignore. It’s asking me to slow down, and ask myself what’s real, and what’s an illusion? Who is the real enemy? Ourselves – when we do not choose to open our eyes. Where we don’t know where we’re completely blinded. When we simply fail to see the bigger picture. Having just written about being willing to see “both sides now” in my last post…I know I’m being shown just how true that is. How anything negative I’d heard or seen in the media about Iran or read about had given me a very limiting picture of how I assumed it must be living there. I had noticed how friendly, and genuinely happy anyone I’d met from Iran seemed to be. I assumed it was because they left their country! Mostly recently, it was my new dentist. She was fun, kind, and laughed a lot.  I certainly have a deeper respect for their culture, traditions, and history that makes them who they are. Yes, there are some completely insane things that go on, arrests without a fair trial, control over certain behaviours that don’t make sense, punishment that seems completely unreasonable (putting it mildly) – ways that I hope will eventually change for the better, which applies to our side of the world too. I see the Iranian people in their own country with wider eyes now. I hope you will too.

How Curiosity Ends Judgment & Opens Creativity

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The first I’d ever heard anything about Steve Jobs, (founder of Apple Inc) was during his 2005  Stanford Commencement Speech. I found him to be wise, and intuitive. I was curious about the strong backlash about his character after he passed away. His message “love what you do, and don’t settle…for all matters of the heart you’ll know when you find it.” He told graduates “don’t waste your limited time living someone else’s life, don’t be trapped by dogma. And, by living with the results of other people’s thinking. Instead, have the courage to follow your heart, and intuition. They somehow already know who you truly want to become.” When Steve lost his fight with cancer in 2011 at age 56, this speech began to circulate everywhere. Along with his pre-dominantly difficult, sometimes horrible treatment of people were also being discussed. They said, “you have to be an egomaniac control nut to be a successful visionary”. What stood out for me was how he gave himself permission to trust, and follow his own creative genius to make an impact. It’s not so easy in a world where we seek control, and stability. For creativity to be successful, it seems to need both qualities – imagination, and control. But becoming the kind of character to get both right seems to be hit, and miss. Having come from an accounting background, I’d run across my fair share of outright mean behaviour among the business world. Those with huge visions, and talent, when given a position of power, can sometimes use it in an abusive, and controlling ways. It’s as if  being a decent human being gets thrown by the wayside, and somehow justified in the name of results. This tendency for aggression, and a lack of human connection would continue to astound me. Especially among some leaders in the coaching world, not to mention the political dictators. How could the same individual who was intelligent, hard working with a strong sense of passion to help people, and make a difference not get when they were being a complete jerk? It seemed that success, and power could also breed blindness the same way ‘falling in love” does. I wondered what was true, and wasn’t about Steve’s character.  What was underneath driving him to treat others so badly? Steve Jobs Biography I recently watched the 2015 film Steve Jobs starring Michael Fassbender, and Kate Winslet. It introduced new aspects of his life I hadn’t known. I could understand how, for example, his adoption may have affected his poor behaviour (not as an excuse), but as a driver. Not being wanted at birth can do a lot of messing with your mind. I wondered how someone whose parents worked hard to afford him going to college could deny his own daughter basic needs to live comfortably when you could so easily give. There’s no doubt, Steve’s behaviour towards his first daughter’s early years was neglectful, irresponsible, and uncaring. And his relationship with his former girlfriend who rightfully demanded financial support seems much more complex than meets the eye. I’d experienced firsthand how the ego can influence someone’s mind as they rise to success. And, they transform into someone you no longer recognize, and sometimes have to walk away from. Was this Steve? It’s so easy to judge, and say “what a jerk”, but when you see both sides of the coin – all that’s left is to give space so people can hopefully learn from their own painful lessons. Steve eventually forged a relationship with his daughter paying her Harvard tuition, and she was at his bedside when he passed away. I was left from the movie with a deeper understanding of this man’s inner motivations, and character. There’s a scene where Steve’s young daughter is listening to the song “Both Sides Now” – I’d listened to it many times as a teen on my portable cassette Sony walkman trying to figure out what the lyrics meant. The whole song felt a bit pessimistic back then having grown up in a positive environment that valued education highly, and where “one right answer” seemed to rule. I had written out the lyrics in a small journal of favourite songs. Today, the song’s wisdom is clear. How we see things one way, and then experience an opposite way while trying to make sense of it all only to arrive at the last line: “I really don’t know life at all.” This is where curiosity leaves us…asking more questions. Both sides are real, so how will you respond? With judgment, or curiosity? How Being Curious Gives You More Perspectives This becomes our journey of life that makes it forever interesting. Being willing to see more than one side, and not imposing our “right way” onto other people or getting trapped in our own box. We still get to choose which way works for us, and what doesn’t. One thing I know for sure: love, connection, and real success are yours to experience. And, it happens when you allow your perception to see through your spiritual eyes of curiosity. But not from the ego’s need to control that can lead to ill treatment of others. Your own creative genius has space to explore in that glorious sense of wonder where there’s no judgment. Are you willing to see ‘both sides now’?  

Are You Giving with Expectations?

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It’s the season of giving, and a time when expectations, and disappointments can hit an all-time high. Not so much about the gift giving (though it can disappointing when it really misses the mark), but in all the other ways we give to those we love around the holiday season. The way you invest your time, energy, and intentions, along with the thoughts behind any material gifts – what if those aren’t returned the way you expected? How to Avoid Expectations and Disappointments The  simple wisdom goes: give, and don’t have any expectations in return, then you won’t be disappointed. So, don’t have any expectations? I needed to examine: where have I felt the most disappointed? Where might I have had a part in creating that experience? Our deepest disappointments are felt with anyone we’ve carved out a space for in our hearts. On some level – big or small we care how this person thinks about us. And, how they treat us, and whether there’s a reflection back. Because we’ve giving whole-heartedly from a genuine part of ourself that cares. It’s healthy to have that come back to mirror who we are. That other simple wisdom: “don’t care what anyone else thinks” doesn’t apply here. You will care about what the people you love think just as you hope those who love you care about what you think! The secret is letting go of where you don’t have control of what someone else thinks. And, also letting go when their ideals don’t resonate with yours : ) Those willing to grow with you will have a mutual desire to be curious, beneficial, and influential in your life. They do that even when you disagree, and vice versa so you can grow, and change together. The problem is we don’t just hold different values sometimes with those we care about, we operate from different places of self-value. This gap can be so big between you that the way you give, and receive can result in huge disappointments. Have you ever felt a need to be overly thankful to someone more for them? Or the need to please them – not because of your inherent gratitude or genuine praise? Intuitively, do you notice where someone seems to need your accolades to feel good about themselves? A part of you wants to give this to make them happy. But it’s a warning sign that you are feeding into something self-destructive: their ego. You are secretly validating someone’s need to fill the void in them by seeking it from you. Nothing outside can make someone feel ‘good enough’ inside. When it comes to those we love, this can be a toxic place when someone depends on you for their self-worth. Byron Katie, author of “Loving What Is” suggests we stop seeking love, approval, and appreciation from other people.  This is where our biggest disappointments get created. You don’t need to seek these when you already hold them within you to share. When you value yourself, you can confidently live by your own values without worrying what anyone thinks. You attract others who also value themselves, and any disappointments become resolvable because there’s a safe space to share transparently without either of you taking it personally. It’s where you don’t feel valued that disappointments occur. The more people you have in your life who value themselves the way you do, the less you will be disappointed because your expectations of each other will naturally get met. You’ve surrounded yourself with those whose vibe matches yours. There’s a space to experience true joy, laughter, and connection on levels that keep expanding. The more you seek love, approval, and appreciation from others, the more expectations you will have. Then, chances are, you will feel more disappointed because others are now mirroring your own self-deception – that you are not worthy. Otherwise why would you need to seek something from them to make you happy? When you can give from a place where you value your own self-worth, you have the capacity to give without being attached to the outcome of what they will give back. When all your gifts – your time, energy, or thoughts behind any material things comes from a place where you value yourself – it ALL comes back- if your recipient holds a similar self-value so they can receive you. Love isn’t something you need to try to give. You already are that – it’s learning how to connect more and more to this part of yourself so you can give, and receive from here that suddenly you find yourself experiencing more joy, and less disappointment because what comes back is exactly what you expected. It’s where I’m expecting something to feed a place that’s lacking self-worth in me that I feel a disappointment I could have avoided if not for this self-deception. My ego is seeking what my spirit knows I already have. Do you ever give from a place of needing to please someone? Then you will expect others to please you by giving that same way. It feels more like an obligation than giving, but it’s easy to slip here where your ego can make you feel guilty, and you will feel disappointed by what you feel owed. Sadly, I see a lot of relationships based on this exchange: “what are you doing for me?”, and it’s not in their awareness that there’s is a toxic energy that flows back and forth. Instead, ask “what are we wanting to give to each other to nurture our highest joy, and capacity to grow together”? Author Rob Bell says you have a  second set of eyes with those you love. When you are disappointed, ask them to show you what you are not seeing with their eyes that you cannot see with your own. Then decide if that makes sense to you, and whether you can trust those eyes! Every time I bump up against what I wasn’t expecting, I see it as an opportunity to grow more connected to who I really am. Closer to that Divine part within us all. I ask myself: Why do I feel this way based on my values? What am I not seeing about this person that isn’t what I anticipated? Is it consistent with how they treat other …

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The Best Way to Find Your Creativity

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I felt at a bit of a loss how best to support my twin girls when they auditioned, and both got accepted to a high school for the arts (majoring in musical theatre) this year. I just hoped it would be an environment that allowed them to develop their creativity. At one time, I would not have considered an arts school for my children. I grew up with a strong belief that sciences were more important than the arts. My parents are both medical doctors. The arts was considered impractical, and a hobby only, not a career. I could see why. My bigger fear – what if only one of them gets accepted? We read the first email together.  “Congratulations Leah…”  I held my breath before opening the second email praying for the same words for Makayla. It’s what they both wanted. Suddenly, they were jumping up, and down, hugging, screaming, and crying. I was still in shock. Competition was fierce with a 20% acceptance rate, and part of me wondered “is this best for them?” Now I no longer knew the way. I could help with reading and math, but the Arts? I recalled a highly recommended classic – “The Artist’s Way” by Julia Cameron that was sitting on my shelf for years waiting to be cracked open. I still thought of  ‘artists’ in the traditional sense – painting, writing, music, dance etc.And, I assumed this book was about discovering that kind of inner artist, which felt unfamiliar to me – or was it? When I took a closer read of the front cover: A Spiritual Path to Higher Creativity, I almost fell off my chair. I’d been teaching my children spirituality ever since I became a life coach in 2009. Now I knew how they got in with barely any experience in the “triple threat” of musical theatre: dancing, singing, and drama. Our conversations over the years had changed from me telling them what to do, to me becoming a better listener, getting them to follow their passions, and sharing more authentically. I slowed down, and got curious about where they were coming from when they over-reacted or wouldn’t listen. I gave them a new space to show up being who they are, and they rose up to meet me. They remind me to please stop what I’m doing: “mom – you are not looking at me face to face!” They make sure I’m present when they want to talk to me. Ugh.. : ) I’d been encouraging one thing: connect with what resonates with you, and follow it. Give everything your best effort. Don’t bother comparing or looking at the odds. Take some risks if it’s something you want, and even if you feel disappointed – what you will have gained just trying will be well worth it. “The Artist’s Way” is a 12 step program of discovering your creative self.  Each chapter includes insightful exercises with a commitment to 2 key practices: a  regular ‘Artist’s date’ with yourself where you spend time alone doing something you love journalling every morning to ‘dump out’ any critical, judgmental, or negative thoughts and clear the way for your soul to express itself For millions around the world, these 2 practices have transformed people’s ability to tap into their own creativity. To get unstuck, and trust their intuition. It’s been a resource I’ve been following with a group of friends to help unblock me as a writer. I have lots to share, but getting it out on paper the way it’s in my heart is a struggle! Here are some of Julia’s fundamental principles on creativity: 1. “Creativity is the natural order of life. Life is energy: pure creative energy.” 2. “There is an underlying, in-dwelling creative force infusing all of life – including ourselves.” 3. “When we open ourselves to our creativity, we open ourselves to the creator’s creativity within us and our lives.” 4. “Creativity is God’s gift to us. Using our creativity is our gift back to God.” 5. “Our creative dreams and yearnings come from a divine source. As we move toward our dreams, we move toward our divinity.” Creativity (being an Artist), and spirituality turns out to be one, and the same. At their new school, one daughter will whip up a video for an English presentation adding in movable graphics, and fun headlines. She’ll listen to songs & visualize the dance numbers on her commute. To prepare for tests, she creates ‘dry erase’ cue cards by adding clear tape across the front underneath questions with the answers on the back. She joined the meditation, wellness, and yoga clubs because she’s a more ‘left-brainer’ analytical type, and can get stressed trying to control everything. She’s right-handed. Her twin sister tends to fly by the seat of her pants. She’ll whip up her own dishes with ingredients most teens won’t touch (think oysters, goat cheese, and spinach), and have them plated beautifully in no time. She’ll compose songs on her guitar, and paint complex designs on her nails. On lunch break she’s on the piano playing “Holding Out for a Hero” she’s figured out by ear, while she and her girlfriends blast out the melody. She’s more of a ‘right-brainer’ heart on her sleeve type, and can get stressed because she tends to avoid the discipline of practice in favour of just ‘going with the flow’. She’s left-handed. The quality one daughter needs to practice letting go of (control) is the strength the other one needs. Their way of being clashes regularly. One gets up early, the other sleeps in. One is tidy, and organized; the other not so much. I find myself in huge talks with one about the other, and make them face each other’s opposing edges where they can accept, and respect their differences so they don’t take each other personally. They laugh, cry, and get frustrated with each other often, but at the end of the day I can only describe their connection as spiritual: they have each other’s back. For their recent birthday, one spent the past several months creating a video called “My Favourite Memories with My Sister”. It was filled with experiences over the past year like their recent trip to NY, the camp they attend annually, seeing Taylor Swift in concert, family cottage moments, and countless photographed dishes her sister …

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4 Steps to Aligning Yourself For Your Best Relationships

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What feels right for you? How do you know? It feels aligned. Grounded. Authentically you. It flows. It doesn’t necessarily feel comfortable because there’s a lot of resistance coming from the outside to take us away from what truly matters inside. Getting aligned with the real you is not easy. There’s expectations of us. There’s beliefs that have been passed down from your family (eg. what constitutes success), which may no longer serve you. There’s your DNA, and programming that has you react in ways you may not be proud of. For me, it’s whenever I need to help my daughters with homework — wow, does my inner critic come out in full force I have to work hard to tame! So where is your point of power to get aligned? Simple: it’s about having that little faith in something bigger – not out there, but in here. A Creative Universal Force existing within you. A little book called “the Impersonal Life” came my way recently, and it shares this idea in the best way I’ve read. It’s when we take things personally that we’ve become disconnected from this alignment to the “Divine” within. “When you can know that I AM Consciousness within you, <am> one with the consciousness of all animate and inaminate matter, and that It’s will is one with your will, which is My Will, and that all your desires are My Desires, then will you begin to know and feel Me within, and will acknowledge the Power and Glory of My Idea, which is eternally expressing Itself Impersonally through you.” I AM statements are so powerful. Why is that? I AM beautiful.  I AM not good enough. Notice if these feel hard or easy to think.  What’s causing any resistance to the self-love given you at birth – that you deserve to be loved with no conditions? Your misalignment with this Higher Consciousness. If this makes sense, this lesson may help further clarify ‘What Remains“..this may not resonate with you, but seeing “11:11” again when I started examining my thoughts this way was a consistent sign calling me to have a little more faith. HOW to think to become aligned at a soul level first requires powerfully examining your thoughts, and how you respond to them. Distinguish thoughts of others, with those of your ego versus those coming from a Divine Source. It’s a practice of having your “thoughts serve You, instead of your being a slave to them.” (Joseph Benner) I was clueless to being aligned with the real me for most of my life, (though I was happily going along in ignorance). I grew up following expectations that made a lot of sense. My thinking was logical where ‘the right answers’ were found in education, and knowledge (other people’s thoughts, and ideas). There’s valuable material here, but it’s not as powerful as what’s inside of you to create the relationships you want, which is “what remains” that matters most. You are a creator of your own reality, and the more you become aligned with the Divine Creator within you, the more you get to create! I first began examining my own thoughts this way when I joined a life coaching group in 2004. I questioned “whose thoughts are these?”, and “what do I really want?” “Does this really work for me”? I needed to let go of WHY it has to be the way it was. It doesn’t. It’s amazing what we justify, accommodate, and unknowingly settle for. Not anymore. I just needed to examine my own thoughts! I noticed how we allow people to make us wrong with their right way, and how we make others wrong with our right way. This creates resistant energy within us where we are not aligned, and clear about ‘what works’ based on what’s important to you. It blocks the flow of your vibration that naturally brings to you WHO, AND WHAT YOU WANT that aligns with the real you. Otherwise known as The Law of Attraction. 4 Steps to become more aligned with the Real You: 1) Notice your own resistance of the 4 C’s of Criticism, and Judgment Criticizing – Correcting (treating someone as if broken needing to be fixed) and Convincing (trying to change someone’s mind according to your right way). Judging – Controlling (forcing others to follow your way through guilt, intimidation, bribing – your relative power or influence) a.k.a “my way or the highway”, and Condemning (name calling, making someone feel inferior, insults) These 4 C’s create an energy resistance within you against your own alignment. 2) Ask yourself “Is this working for me according to what matters most to me (your values)?” What is really upsetting or angering me? Is this something you are willing to accept without holding resentment or having a need not met? Dig deep. Whether its being treated with disrespect or needing the house organized so you can feel at peace – communicate WHAT IS NOT WORKING authentically without sending critical or judgmental energy to someone. Stand up for what matters – if you don’t, who will? You can say: When you choose this way or that behaviour, it has this impact on me, and I feel _________ as opposed to “How can you _________, or “Stop…..<leaving stuff on the floor!> what’s wrong with you?” It’s not so much the words, but the energy you are sending through your words. If you think “I don’t tell my spouse because he or see won’t understand” – you are not giving them the opportunity to see you fully, and whatever their authentic reaction can be difficult to face. We don’t want to be disappointed when we share what matters. It’s vulnerable here. But what’s on the other side of your truth – is their truth. It may not be what you like, but it will give you a new freedom of feeling aligned. 3) Be the change by connecting with your Sacred Self. What’s sacred is connecting to the part of yourself that is Divine: unconditional love, kindness, compassion, and understanding. …

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