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Are You Controlling?
Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned. ~Buddha There’s a specific kind of anger associated with control that many of us don’t recognize in ourselves. We live in a world of relative certainty where we do our best to control what’s uncertain. You may call this managing your life, but all too often it switches over to a darker hidden force: controlling behavior. The secret to serenity is letting go of control, of not being attached to an outcome (whatever that may be) that leads to anger, drama, and conflict. gotgrantme There’s no mention of control because it’s the hidden shadow that arrives only through self-awareness. Most controlling types don’t see themselves that way. Can you see it in yourself? The drive for control stems from one of our biggest fears – uncertainty. What happens when things don’t go as planned? When you’re not quite ready to hear a different truth. When someone isn’t following what you need? You enter a vulnerable space, and it can be overwhelmingly scary because you no longer feel in control. Your reaction will tell you immediately how strong your ‘need for control’ is. Do you often respond with anger, annoyance, or blame? Does drama, and conflict seem to follow you around? When someone takes what you say or do personally, and you have to tip toe around them – that’s their sense of ‘needing to control’. And vice versa. We all seem to have places we lose control. An example for me is the utter lack of patience hearing my twin girls arguing on our commute to the train. My frustration escalates, and I find myself shouting, which elevates their frustrations, and moves them into defensiveness. Their opposite personalities tend to lead to frequent battles (one is an organized manager type, the other flies by the seat of her pants). When I’m practicing staying away from my need to control their fighting, I’m in a much better position to guide them to resolve their own conflicts faster. Where we cannot say no becomes our ‘attachments’, and when these are not well managed – you may find yourself ‘out of control’. I can get attached to my girls needing to get along ALL the time, and lose perspective on the majority of times where they get along fabulously! What can you not say no to? That feeling or thing controls you on some level, and your growth is learning to release its hold so you can be free again. We get most attached to the way we need loved ones to show up, and it’s the most dangerous. Do you remember singer Karen Carpenter who died of a heart attack believed to be connected to her battle with anorexia? This disease stemmed from her sense of a lack of freedom, and responsibility in her life. Karen had an extremely controlling mother, and felt starved of love. Feeling controlled is unhealthy. The one thing she could manage was how much food she put into her body, the lack of which eventually killed her. We all battle with control on some level, and the better you understand it in yourself, the more you can make sense of a recent headline that was shocking: A physician killed, her neurosurgeon husband charged with murder: ‘How could this all happen?’ This woman doctor practiced in the same town I grew up in where my own parents, an orthopaedic surgeon, and family practitioner spent their entire career treating patients. It felt too close to home to be real. We assume an intelligent, positive, successful person doesn’t have control issues that could ever lead to murder. I don’t want it to be true that this neurosurgeon, and father of 3 young children killed his wife. But there’s too much leading me to believe that he’s responsible. His wife was killed within a week of filing for divorce from him. Strangled, and blunt force trauma causing death. The idea that one day someone good just ‘snaps’, and becomes temporarily insane just isn’t the whole story, but we certainly relate to our own experiences of feeling ‘out of control’. Those moments when we angrily rage at the driver who cut us off in traffic, or lose our cool with a loved one – behavior we may later regret, and need to apologize for. There’s an element of control that lives within us where we can become demanding, threatening, or imposing of others. Am I saying it’s ok to kill someone? Of course not. It’s an absolutely horrifying needless tragedy, and I can’t help thinking about this couple’s 3 young children. How will they cope, and be able to thrive with their new reality? But something deeper here was going on that never got revealed or dealt with until too late. There’s a part in us we cannot see that lives on a continuum of this ‘need to control’ stemming from a need for certainty in the beliefs we hold. It’s when FEAR is the driver of this need instead of LOVE that the consequences can be deadly. With loved ones, we become attached to a stronger need for certainty, and a deeper need for control. There’s a dependency that healthy, and one that’s not healthy, and control is the ingredient that will move you in one direction or the other. If you are not self-aware of your own fears around uncertainty, and control, you’ll find yourself in your own hidden battles behind closed doors with the kind of controlling anger that goes un-checked. Controlling behaviour doesn’t just suddenly appear…police had been called to their home a few times during their 12 year marriage. In May, 2005, while the couple was living in Ottawa, Shamji was charged with one count of assault and two counts of uttering threats — charges that were withdrawn later that year. (thestar.com, Dec, 5th, 2016) Do we really know ourselves …
How to Stop Worrying about Someone You Love
Have you ever worried about someone you love? It sounds like a ridiculous question because we all do it! It’s such a familiar feeling. We don’t want negative experiences for anyone we care about, but the constrictive sense of stress from worrying seems to come with the territory of loving someone. But does it have to? I bet you know an older relative who constantly worries about everything, perhaps you in particular! You know it’s not good for them, but you haven’t figured out a way to stop their worrying. You’ve got your own worries to think about! I’d like to offer a new perspective on worry. Intuitively, you know it’s a waste of time, and energy, here’s why: • Worrying causes stress on your mind, and body – excessive hormones (e.g. cortisol) are destructive to your body’s health. • Worrying does not add value to your relationships, and in fact drains them. • Your natural self-repair mechanisms stop working when you worry. • Worrying does not mean you love someone. Finally, the key shift in perspective I invite you to make? Worrying is different than being concerned. Worry is an example of ‘unhealthy pain’ I wrote about in my article How to Let Go of Pain. The stress response for fight, or flight is what we need for survival, but today’s incessant worrying has gone awry. It’s chronic, anxiety-ridden, and dysfunctional. Worrying can stop the creation of new brain cells, is responsible for tremors, headaches, anxiety, and a six-fold increased risk of heart attack. It’s believed to increase your risk of cancer, gastrointestinal issues, and depression. While acute stress makes you think more clearly, and get focused; chronic stress is poisonous. Where love exists, worry tends to follow. Worry gets tied to a story we’ve convinced ourselves is real: I worry because I love you. You see your loved one suffering. You naturally want to relieve their pain. You reach out, and are not mindful of your own worrying feelings that get thrown in. Say your child gets sick. You worry by trying to control the situation, and its future, which leaves you feeling anxious. Maybe you get demanding, or impatient with “you have to take this medicine!” or “you need to get to the hospital”! Worrying can have you easily complaining or blaming your spouse that he’s not doing enough and you’ll feel so overwhelmed that you’re unable to think or act in a reasonable manner. You’re afraid, and with your worrying – your child is too! I experienced something highly unusual growing up. My parents both being physicians remained exceptionally calm even during incidences where some alarm would be expected – like the time I was 6, and rode over a cliff on a bicycle. Their medical background kept ‘falls’ in perspective. They promptly took me to the hospital where my jaw was wired shut, and my face was so badly bruised, I didn’t recognize myself. I burst into tears seeing myself in the mirror after my brief hospital stay, but my mom matter-of-factly said “don’t be silly, your face will heal and return back to normal.” I didn’t learn how to be anxious because how they responded wasn’t worry – it was concern. I knew they cared by their calm actions, and prompt attention. There’s a BIG difference between worry, and concern. I grew up with Murphy’s law that “anything that could go wrong, would go wrong” so best be prepared to avoid danger so it doesn’t happen. I played it safe, and took very few risks. Friends were amused at my mother’s postings on our fridge: “Top 10 Driving Tips You Need to Know” and the news stories she’d warn us about: “did you hear about the child who got left in the bathtub….or the woman in the underground parking garage…or the man who was hit riding his bike…? Message: Be careful. Be safe. In my world, there were answers for everything. Every problem not only had a solution, it was solvable. I believed everything could be fixed. If I didn’t do well on a test – just study harder next time! Feeling sick? Take this medicine and go to bed. I grew up in what felt like a kind of happy prison. My mother was overly protective, and with 6 children to raise – there were alot of rules to follow to keep us safe. None of us broke a single bone growing up, which was ironic given that my father was an orthopaedic surgeon. You might expect I’d grow up to be a complete worry wart! Not at all. I was surprised to discover people living with constant worry, anxiety and stress. It was as if a safe place wasn’t available for all the negative things that could show up. At first I thought people had more difficult life experiences, and I happened to be fortunate, which is partly true, but it wasn’t the whole story. It was the way people had learned to justify worrying as if this meant love. There’s an unspoken rule that we must sacrifice for those we love. It’s as if love without a burden is somehow fake, and fleeting. There’s an obligation that has confused love with something that disguises itself as necessary. The power of love gives, listens, empathizes, and understands from a place that feels grounded, even if it requires effort, and hardship for you. It’s a gift (however difficult) you want to give, not something you owe someone. Worrying can turn acts of love into a kind of forced duty, obligation or self-pity as opposed to a desired commitment, and responsibility you treasure. How often have you, or someone you know conjured up tall fabrications due to worry? Your reaction to a scary situation will either disempower with worry, or empower with concern. I look back on many moments in my life where things didn’t go as planned, but I’d wade through the mess, and get back on my feet, often more determined. I’m not a risk taker, but I was willing to try things that went against the grain. I’ve noticed that when I stepped out of my own box, others would follow me. It was like I was silently giving others permission to act on what they felt …
How to Let Go of Pain
Are you holding onto anything painful big or small you need to release? Are you not able to let go of pain? “Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional.”~ Haruki Murakami There’s a myth that forgiveness will allow you to forget or clear away all your pain. Maybe you’ve heard “just give it time”, and somehow your suffering will magically disappear. I’m not only talking about the deeply horrifying experiences some have painfully endured, but the little frustrations that can add up to hurricane moments. You know the ones. What exactly are we trying to let go of when we know darn well that some pain doesn’t end? We just don’t work that way, and strangely – you wouldn’t want it any other way. There’s a healthy kind of excruciating pain we want to hang onto that strengthens our stand for truth, justice, and pushes us to be authentically who we are. There is also unhealthy pain that can keep us suffering in deep wounds, raging hell, or silent pent-up frustrations. This is the kind of pain you want to surrender. The challenge is recognizing which kind of pain you are experiencing, and how you are responding when the reality is both kinds of pain often hit you at the same time. How do you hold onto one, while releasing the other? In the same way it’s healthy that we feel our physical pain so we don’t lose our hand on a hot stove, it’s healthy, and necessary to feel our emotional, and mental pain. It gives us the experiential contrast to know ourselves (what we don’t want). Where might you be willing to keep choosing what’s creating painful stress (& dis-ease) that’s unhealthy, and does not honour your own spiritual well being? How to Recognize Unhealthy Pain Our healthy, and unhealthy pain can easily get mixed up. When you slow down, and notice your energy as a witness, not a judge, you can discern between them. Your soul knows the truth of what feels loving, aligned, and healthy. It also has the capacity to allow your healthy pain to be processed. See if you can feel the energetic difference between healthy versus unhealthy pain: • Is the pain from loneliness or frustration from unmet demands? • Is the anger from being dismissed, abused or rejected or is it really blame, jealousy, or self-pity? • Is the hurt from sadness when someone wasn’t there for you or is it reacting personally (needy, or co-dependent) from abandonment? • Is the pain coming from following expectations, beliefs or rules that don’t align or is it a fear that prevents you from speaking your truth? It’s a fine line, especially when you’re in it. Unhealthy pain has a sense of constriction, defensiveness, attack, or confusion where we blame, and complain sucking the life out of us, and those around you. There’s a resistance that persists here as your ego fights to keep you in a fear dominated place needing protection. The walls go up, and the masks go on. Unhealthy pain gets stuck on the surface, while our real pain gets buried underneath. The shouting, and screaming don’t make a difference when you’re hanging out in unhealthy pain. We feel needy, disappointed, unloved or undervalued. It also can feel like a lack of control where you spiral into despair, and depression trying to hang on to something you can count on. In a nutshell it’s this feeling: You wronged me, and as a consequence, you owe me. I’m entitled to feel this way against you! It can feel like a betrayal, a wound so deep you desperately want it fixed, resolved, or an apology that may never arrive. We can carry this angst with us for a long time. Your thoughts go here: How could you say that? Think that? Do that? What is wrong with you? That feeling with these thoughts are being asked of you to surrender, yet this same mentality seems necessary to validate your experience. But don’t be fooled, this state of justification keeps you stuck. The famous poet, Rumi talks about a place beyond right, and wrong, a freedom you can find, but it requires letting go of this toxic pain we’ve swallowed. It can also sound more commonly like this: You should have ______________. Holding our ‘shoulds’ against others creates ongoing annoyances, and frustrations. We avoid the more painful process of facing what’s bothering us head on. Your mind and emotions demand how someone ought to be. Stop for a moment, and feel what it’s like when anyone tells you how you should be, and what you should do. That’s why you want to practice releasing it. There’s other ways to create what you desire, and share what’s not working. This toxic energy goes against our freedom – it’s the greatest gift we have. Our free will to choose belongs to us, and we are now in the way of someone else’s freedom. It does not mean you agree or consent to everyone’s choices. What Hurts Most? When someone you believe in treats you in a way that’s unexpected because it’s not the way you’d ever treat them. There’s a hurt that can feel impossible to release because it’s tied to a love you hold with this person that on some level you now need to let go of. What we cannot see or accept at first is who they are BEING is a choice that aligns within them in a way that doesn’t align with yourself. Are you willing to accept what works for their well-being? This is the dance we do with everyone. Love is a funny thing. There are strings attached you both create, and finding a safe way to untie them without bitterness or resentment can be challenging to say the least. We may want to hang onto some of those strings to continue moving forward together. It can feel natural to want someone to suffer as you have, or be punished so they finally ‘get it’, but the evidence is clear that an ‘eye for an eye’ doesn’t work in practice. People …
How to Be Free
The best way to be free… A close friend confided “why wait” got into her head a year ago. It was something I’d been telling her all these years, and a dear friend of hers was diagnosed with cancer. My friend had spontaneously got on a plane to spend a few days in Florida with her 2 children. She loves to travel, and wants more fun in her life. She noticed it’s here where she feels free. Ahhh..to be free from doing what we’re supposed to do. From the expectations of others, the status quo, from needing to please, accommodate, settle. Trust and go. It’s a tiny powerful mind shift in facing the limited time we all have. We don’t want erratic, lack of responsibility, “regret it later” experiences, nor the stress of “OMG — time is running out, I have to go go go” where you can’t even enjoy it. But reaching out of your comfort zone into the kind of freedom that lets go of controlling, figuring things out first, and needing others to show up ‘your way’ – that feeds your soul. Ask anyone what they cherish, and you’ll hear “friends, and family”. Relationships are what matter most. My friend shared that she’d wait around for her husband’s vacation time, and sometimes they didn’t end up going anywhere. Plus, planning a vacation took so much time. Why not just go? Spend time together at unexpected times in your best way possible. I could SO relate. Not waiting anymore. I’d given that up a while back being married to an A-type corporate executive where I used to plan everything we did around his schedule. Maybe you can relate? One day I made a decision: “I’m just going…whether you can come or not.” It started out small. Can’t make it for the family outing we planned? We went anyway. I had to let go of any resentment I held that he couldn’t make it, and step into the sadness that he ended up missing out. Same for the school musical our daughter had a big part in. Our son’s drum recital..it’s a choice in life we make that time will not wait. I cannot choose for him. I encourage him to visit the places he travels around the world, (he could easily fill all his hours with work, and leave no time for fun), but that was up to him. A few years ago I also found myself headed to Florida over Spring break with our girls to visit his parents, and Disney – without him. His sister – a 6 hour drive away in Ottawa could join us with her girls. The memories from this trip with their cousins, my girls will remember forever… What if I had waited? At first it felt a little unfair to my husband, but I was done waiting for his schedule to fit into ours. I gave myself permission to stop waiting. I knew this freedom. Time won’t wait. These cousins have a special bond, and at those ages sharing that experience together only came around ONCE, and I took it. There’s no going back. My hubby wasn’t angry or upset, but the next Spring break he somehow managed to join us in Florida with little effort on my part. Following what I cherish has a bonus feature: I no longer have to try so hard to make things work the next time : ) Being the Change – it really works. That’s when the universe starts to move in the same direction you’ve firmly embodied – when you decide “it’s time”. It’s been a practice to live my life this way. This in no way means disrespecting anyone, or being demanding or selfish. It’s what most of us fear, which keeps us stuck. When you simply follow your inner voice that’s true for you – your soul knows what you value. It’s the ones who do not follow this in their own life where you run into obstacles. There is no resonance here. Those who care about you deep down want you to be happy, as much as you want that for them. But they also must be choosing for themselves what’s valuable to them so they have the strength to give this space to you. Give and receive. Not demand, and expect. If you start to feel like you’re sacrificing your joy for their circumstances, beliefs, or a perspective that’s different to yours – resentment builds you will have to release. Following your inner voice lets you be free of an inner peace of mind. Not following the rules becomes normal. Your best decisions arrive faster. Life feels in flow. I’m still someone who likes things organized. I don’t like being hit with unwanted surprises that could have me doing the unthinkable: wasting my time! There’s a practical side of me that’s been merged with “if it feels right, go for it”, and don’t look back. Somewhere between spontaneity, and being willing to face whatever rough waters you thought were stopping you in the first place is the FLOW of living true to yourself. The clock ticks louder the moment a loved one faces a life threatening illness or has lost their life. Live as if it’s your last day isn’t the way we wake up in the morning, but we all know this – today could be it. We just don’t all do something about it. What are you waiting for exactly? Is it worth trying to make it perfect before you get to experience it? Can you make this moment special? It may never come again. How can you make it so valuable you’ll take it with you forever? I trust myself more, and more as I keep stepping out further into what I most treasure, and who I know myself to be. Freedom. It’s here where you attract, and build the few sacred connections you can trust fully where there are no secrets. The more I did exactly what I wanted, I noticed that I was silently giving other people permission to do the same. It’s been secretly fun to witness. Those who accept you for exactly who you are when you are not afraid to follow what most matters to you are yours forever. It’s the beauty of living your truth: love surrounds you. Trusting what you desire comes from a place of self-love. It arrived when I stopped waiting …
The Way We Are Connected..an Italian Experience
Do you ever hear this idea that the way we are connected is a part of ONE divine mysterious thread? At first I tried to grasp what it meant literally. It helped me to know that we are made up of energy categorized in 4 broad categories: emotional, mental, physical, and spiritual. This last type was the most intriguing. Who we are has a divine element that connects us. The other energies are the human ways we express ourselves in the material world – with our mind, body, and emotions. Why does this matter? How often have you met someone who happens to know someone you know? That freaky kind of connection that seems beyond chance…is it really just a small world? How can I instantly connect with a stranger in Tuscany – an ayurdevic consultant from Quebec (bottom left), meanwhile others I’ve known my whole life can feel like a total stranger? Agriturismo Marciano, Siena What is it exactly between you, and your connections that either resonates or feels like a void? The Adventure Begins.. I flew to Rome to celebrate our 20th anniversary in late August. I read “whatever you do, don’t drive in Italy“…after I’d booked the rental car. My vision of driving through Tuscany to visit the little towns, and experience their spirit of food, wine, passion, charm, art, and people – suddenly felt like a bad idea. Have you ever felt your dreams being squelched by the worries and fears of others? The naysayers – learn to avoid them. Although the one way streets, and roundabouts were a bit challenging – with a GPS, and a surprise upgrade from a Fiat 500 to an Audi A3 we zoomed around the Italian countryside how I envisioned. No tour bus was going to reach the places I wanted to see or give us the freedom to follow our own agenda. Paying Attention to the Magic.. Does your soul light up when you travel? When I’m outside my regular comfort zone, new ‘signs’ show up literally, and figuratively. 11’s have been one of my ‘signs’ since I was a little girl usually showing up as 11:11, but now in ways I least expect, yet magically perfect moments to remind me there’s a higher force at play. I expected gorgeous landscapes, breathtaking artwork, and grand cathedrals -I wasn’t disappointed. But it meant little without the respective stories to bring through a connection I could feel so we did the tours, and met with the people. The FOOD! When we arrived a bit late driving from Rome for a cooking class with owner Dania at La Chuisa (a Michelin Star Restaurant) in Montefollonico, we were invited to sit, and have a cappuccino. Relax, savour, enjoy…they are so good at this in Italy. Drinking coffee this way is so opposite to the caffeine rush it’s become in our busy lives. I picture this moment to remind myself to slow down. Dania was a former law student who followed her passion for cooking. How can you not be inspired to do what you love with that view? Spending a few hours with Dania teaching us traditional Tuscan cuisine was magical. There’s an ease, and joy in how she prepares food, and appreciates its freshness, and creation. After 40 years, it’s part of her essence. Making ricotta stuffed zucchini flowers, La Chuisa. After several courses of creating, and eating, we could barely move. We had to relax by her olive trees before heading out! Italy’s pizzas are my all time favourite, and wherever we went that was my pick! You may be asking, how do I not gain weight? I do – a few lbs here and there, but my secret is maintaining a steady high vibration of genuine JOY. Toxic energy (stress) holds onto excess weight. When you are in the flow of all 4 energies working together in a healthy balance, you can let go of whatever you don’t want more easily because your energy is focused on what you want. We walked A LOT, and my regular fitness routine (a 7 minute App & pilates once a week) plus healthy eating for the most part built a foundation that allows me to indulge when the opportunity arises. I didn’t hold back! The ART Have you ever wondered why the statue of David attracts a million people annually worldwide? Some are willing to wait in the burning heat for hours for that feeling of total awe when they see David for the first time. He’s the biblical youth with a stone, and sling against a powerful giant he manages to conquer. Who doesn’t cheer for the innocent child? The perfect muscular bod standing casually before battle with no armour or sword ready to face his own possible death. Don’t we all want to go through life with that ease looking amazing despite what we face? The beauty carved in marble at this astounding level of artistry comes from a divine place few of us ever reach, but all of us are seeking in some form. These are the invisible threads that connect us.. I loved Siena thanks to our passionate guide Claudia. I booked her based on high ratings on Viator, and we ended up with a private tour : ) I’m a curious gal, and had tons of questions she could answer. We saw her later doing an afternoon tour with a group of 8… As Claudia described the famous Palio de Siena (horse race), which had already taken place involving Siena’s 17 districts, I finally got a sense of where the Italian ‘undying passion, and rivalry’ comes from. Here’s what that day looks like: Piazza del Campo, Siena 10 districts compete. It’s apparently better not to win than lose to your rival (usually a neighbouring district). Allies have formed over the years. You are born into a district where you remain loyal your whole life. It weaves into every major life event – baptism, marriage, funeral. Festivals, and holidays get celebrated with your district. The pride, and connection here is strong. Imagine centuries of love, devotion, battles, having to defend, and protect, built into your DNA, and social culture? We all want to belong – to a family, group of friends, church, community — it’s at a whole other level here; this sense of being part of a community flows across Italy. Passion, loyalty, rivalry..I can see …
The Hidden Reason Why People Harm Others
I always wondered.. why people harm others. I just read about Omar Mateen killing 49 & injuring 53 in the deadliest shooting in Orlando just after I finished reading this brave, and stunning letter by the victim, “Emily Doe” who remained anonymous in the Stanford rape case. Her impact statement she read in court to her assailant found guilty on all 3 charges went viral because it spoke so clearly to so much of what’s unspoken. I’ve been reading articles this past week trying to make sense of what we’re not seeing when this kind of violence continues to happen. How can we be the change? Have you wondered why people harm others? More importantly.. what do you believe is the source of unthinkable violence in our world? I have an idea… You’re familiar with it. I’ve experienced it after hearing this kind of devastating news along with shock, sadness, and anger. It was all around me, but for a long time I couldn’t see it. I’d grown up sheltered from it. It wasn’t until I was willing to speak my own truth not realizing that sometimes bumping heads with opposing views will rear a side of someone that may startle you. It also confused me. It exists regardless of culture, status, gender or education. It was in Omar Mateen saying inflammatory remarks about terrorists, and when he physically abused his wife. It created his rage against the gay community, and shame for being attracted to it. His father declared “God would punish homosexuals”. Religious beliefs can have it too. It was also in the polite, hardworking Stanford athlete, convicted of sexual assault raised in an affluent community with a devoted stay at home mom, and father who coached his sport’s team growing up. Maybe you call it something else. I call it entitlement. It says: “You deserve the nasty way I get to treat you because of what I believe.” It’s easy to spot entitlement in religious beliefs turned fundamental with doctrines being demanded not shared. With dictators where leadership is fueled with aggression, fear, and control. But when parents make their child the victim and give them the benefit of the doubt no matter what they’ve done – entitlement is hidden under the veil of ‘privilege’. Children raised to hear the word YES when NO was the appropriate response. There’s not only a failure to stop, and have a conversation around “My God, what have you done? This is NOT ok. Do you understand WHY that behaviour is not appropriate?” Entitlement is a blind spot that keeps itself protected. Omar Mateen was a known trouble-maker growing up in Florida. He was so violent, people joked he would become a terrorist. I’m sure many in the community thought “NO, this is not ok, but what can I do?” People had signs the same way a wife knows before she married her abusive husband. Entitlement is lurking behind the scenes when a system isn’t set up to say “no, this man cannot purchase an assault rifle” when the FBI had investigated him for terrorism. Entitlement runs rampant. We all know someone who doesn’t see it within themselves. Most of us don’t want conflict. We know when speaking up will result in defensiveness or a full-blown attack. Instead, we quietly look the other way or move out of the way. I’ve done it too. Risking harmony isn’t worth it sometimes. We pick our battles. But I’ve noticed the more I hear my own inner voice – the more I’m not willing not to say anything. When we don’t say anything, a deadly problem emerges for all of us. Entitlement gives people permission to judge another person with “I’m owed this! You deserve whatever crap I’m dishing out” while we stay in the fear of how others will judge us if we do speak up. It’s the parent yelling abusively at their child who doesn’t follow their rules, or isn’t playing a sport or an instrument well enough. You’re entitled to treat your child this way as their parent, and then wonder why your child talks back, keeps getting into trouble, and doesn’t respect you later? When teens attack their parents with rude remarks, sarcasm, and a bad attitude, and parents shrug it off as “that just how teenagers behave” – entitlement is being fostered. It’s the impatient or demanding remarks by a partner who’s had a rough day at work. Your bad day means I have to suffer? It’s what we allow, settle for, and accept in ourselves and others when we know deep down it isn’t OK. Entitled behaviour creates all kinds of conflict and unnecessary drama. At the extreme, it’s a sexual assault. It may be a mass shooting. Entitlement means someone becomes your victim. Speaking our truth when someone feels entitled is not easy. In our every day lives, we don’t have a situation where someone is found guilty standing before us in a courtroom to finally have an opportunity to speak up with validation from a jury. We may not have the inner strength or courage “Emily” developed through her painful ordeal, nor her resilience. Perhaps our outer support is lacking, and standing alone can be scary. The Way Entitlement Gets Fostered Brock Turner, at 20 had no track record and a bright future, yet he chose to drag an intoxicated woman across the ground, remove her clothing, and sexually assault her. Who does that? A whole community around him who conditioned him, and continued to support it. The Many Influencers of Brock Turner, 20 years old: 1) His mother: Her plea letter to the judge for mercy screams one thing: VICTIM. It detailed all the pain and suffering her son, and their family experienced since the guilty verdict right down to their financial woes – she was unable to decorate her new home. After all, she needed to hire one of most expensive lawyers to create a new story filled with lies, and ensure her son’s clean record was saved. 2) His father: His plea letter to the judge screamed BLAME. He recommended his son teach about the dangers of alcohol, and promiscuity, and said …
What Are You Not Saying?
I often find myself in conversations saying “what you just shared with me (about a loved one), DID YOU TELL THEM?” Why are you not saying to them? There’s a pause, and then invariably…NO. It didn’t dawn on them to share that. THAT totally authentic feeling of hurt or bliss I just got to hear never got expressed with their loved one. My heart sinks knowing WHY these genuine expressions go silently under the radar in most relationships. I remember for years what I didn’t say in mine. We don’t speak what’s in our hearts with the ones who need to hear it most. Often we don’t know HOW given the way we’ve been relating our whole life, nor what’s MISSING when we don’t. What’s a Relationship Really? It’s a sacred space you co-create with someone else. It has expectations, and rules you’ve made up. It has a past that can strongly affect how you play in it now. There’s a sense of safety, and belonging we all want, but also a drive for adventure. We need this non-judgmental space to grow, and change with others. We have a tough time changing as it is – let alone with someone else. But this is the constant that nourishes our soul in relationships. It’s the strangest thing. We aim for world peace when we ought to strive for world authenticity. How do you feel? Are you happy? What are you afraid of? What do you want? Who are you stressed at? What’s really hurting you? What’s just not working? What are you NOT saying? How much of this gets shared in your conversations? Harmony rules over authenticity in most relationships. Let’s face it – we don’t enjoy conflict, disappointment, or frustration. Most of us avoid it like the plague. It’s more interesting watching other people’s drama in the media than deal with our own. Life can be a constant swirl of busyness, and activities. It’s challenging enough dealing with the existing frustrations. Who has time or energy to dig into all that stuff? It might rock the boat. Harmony is easier. But the bigger culprit I’ve noticed of why our authentic words don’t get expressed? “They wouldn’t get me.” If you’ve ever felt like the ones you love don’t get you, but someone else does – I’d like to suggest something. What if it’s the other way around? Could it be that you don’t fully get them because of what you’ve NOT said? Have you given someone the opportunity to show up fully because you’ve shared what’s really in your heart? If you’ve given up trying to express what you want because “they wouldn’t get it” – how they really feel gets concealed. This is the dance of getting to the edge of BEING YOU with someone else. How speaking up ‘heartwise’ affected my relationships.. I initially emailed what was too hard to say to my husband over a decade ago: “When you’re away, I don’t miss you anymore.” He travelled a lot for work. It was my dreaded “tell-tale” sign that I was ready to break-up with a past boyfriend, and he knew it. But that’s exactly how I felt. We had 3 toddlers at the time. I wrote further, “I don’t want to not miss you, so we need to address when you get home.” It’s been baby steps of a growing practice of saying what’s hard to say ever since. Being this real over the years has come close to breaking us apart. EVERYTHING gets put on the table when I’m forced to deal with who he is, and he with who I am. I had to risk playing at the edge for our relationship to flourish or naturally come apart. Life is too short to settle by me not showing up. I learned the hard way that trusted friends could betray me. The moment I was willing to share what I’d held off saying…I got the rude awakening. I allowed someone to disappoint me because I betrayed my own inner voice. If any of my 3 teens are driving me nuts, it’s ME that doesn’t get them. When I put my reaction on the back burner, and share what I normally wouldn’t say, (“this is what hurts me”, or “I’m sorry for over-reacting – here’s what I wanted to say”). That’s when they show me who they are. They are innocent, and needing my inner truth to help them speak their own. There’s a mutual respect that grows here for whatever shows up surpassing any need for punishment or even consequences. It’s empowering from a different guide: their own well-being. These days… If I’m taken aback by someone’s behaviour it’s because what aligns within me is not being met. Their reaction is out of my control. It’s me that doesn’t know them because I’m the one surprised. If it’s someone I love, my responsibility is to tell them what’s not ok with me for OUR relationship, while being curious about where they are coming from. You will offend some people by speaking from the heart, but now it’s real. Their reaction will be either an apology, resistance or piss off. It gives you everything you need to decide. You will connect at levels you can’t imagine when you are this real – the best, and worst of who you are becoming has space to thrive. You can look back at any difficult relationship, and notice the spots where something felt ‘off’. It’s where you stayed silent instead of speaking from your soul. If you are holding resentment against someone, send them a silent thank you – their contrast allowed you to align more deeply with who you really are. How long will you wait to share your true feelings? Will it be until… The day your spouse says “I’m not sure if I love you” or the day you are wondering the same thing. You finally discover your beloved friend is not the person you thought she was. Your child has been hiding something you assumed they’d tell you. A sibling or family member has been silently blaming you for years. A colleague stabs you in the back. The more you start noticing what you’re not saying, the faster you can create real connections that last, and remove or distance yourself from the ones that drain you. Unless you speak what’s in your heart (even if it may sadden, anger, disappoint, or hurt someone) you will not be able to see someone for who they really are. Where You Want to Play A sacred space opens in your relationships when you practice saying what you used to …