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People come into, and out of our lives fostering all kinds of different connections and trying to build healthy boundaries. The closer we get, the more risk you’ll bump up against someone’s toxic parts, and they will bump up against yours. Eventually, even with close friends or family members you will bump into those places where someone gets defensive, takes you personally, and now you’re walking on eggshells confused about how to proceed. Do you find yourself needing to show up differently in an attempt to maintain a peaceful encounter? When things start feeling toxic, stressful, or draining with the people in our lives where you just can’t be yourself – chances are you need to create a healthier boundary. Relationships – an Orbit Perspective I began looking at my relationships in terms of orbits circling close or far from me. Friends and family members would fall into different orbits that can sometimes shift. Learning how to maintain a healthy distance has taken years of practice where my goal has been to create that judgment-free space where I could be my most authentic self, and that person could be too. No matter how different we happened to be. Wasn’t always easy! Relationships take work, but as long as my connections grew in positive ways, I was willing to take the “good with the bad” (we all have our stuff), and all was well. Until it wasn’t well. Sometimes me showing up more fully would send someone spinning out of control. Unless I could find that safe space again, it was time to step back, re-assess this connection, and decide whether to move their orbit further out or leave altogether. The Risk of Speaking Your Truth Our truth can set us free, but only with certain people. There’s always a chance you run into someone’s wall (their ego) when you realize you’ve said more than someone is able to receive.  If there’s deflection, controlling behavior, defensiveness, attack, silence or condemnation – it can become toxic to you. Pay attention if what you share isn’t landing – maybe there’s an unexpected silence, a lecture, or simply a lack of resonance for what resonates for you. Curiosity seems to be missing. Meaningful relationships require that you are fascinated on some level with someone. None of us is perfect, but we can all recognize when our thoughts start remaining more in our head rather than spoken out loud. If you’re quietly asking yourself: “Is she going to overreact if I tell her what I really think? Will he disappear if I say too much?” because you’ve begun noticing a pattern of how this person responds – this orbit needs to be re-evaluated. How Big is the Gap Between You and Someone Else? These words often remind me of how far away we can be on someone else’s page: “I know you think you understand what you thought I said but I’m not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant” ~Alan Greenspan When you don’t feel heard, the gap between your thoughts, and how you land means their orbit is further out than you imagined. You’ll notice how draining it can be having to filter, especially in deeper conversations. Follow your own vibration that feels good with the people who support, believe, and will challenge you. Your inner voice and intuition know who to trust. Notice the qualities of the best interactions you experience, as these tell you where your vibration is internally aligned. Dealing with Collisions If there’s a lot drama in your relationships where you’re feeling misunderstood, anxious, frustrated or angry, it’s time to look honestly within. Either you’ve been accepting what isn’t working for you in other people, or you’re not aware of where you are difficult to be with. My daughters were telling me a story about a friend who told them to please tell her if she’s behaving in ways that bother them. They thought “wow – she’s interested in getting feedback, and wants to change,” so they proceeded to tell her what wasn’t working for them, and she responded with “I’m not like that!” Be open, curious, and willing to hear what you may not like. If someone says you make them feel guilty, that you can be controlling, or you blame them, ask “what do I say that makes you feel this way?” Don’t let pride get in your way. It doesn’t matter what anyone says about you – when you know, and trust yourself, you’re not offended, but confused. Your response will be “I don’t understand you, please explain”. If someone imposes their wounds that still need healing onto you – whether unwanted lectures, blame, or punishment you’re the only one who can stand up for yourself to firmly say “NO – that is not O.K – I don’t deserve that”. How much of anyone’s toxic behaviour you’re willing to take on depends on your understanding of where it comes from (compassion), and how it affects your well-being. You’ll also take into account how willing someone is to look in the mirror – this includes you. It Gets Down to Love Love is the most powerful force that will define a healthy boundary. Kindness, patience, and honesty can drive out anything toxic by choosing to be willing to listen without judgment, making false accusations or wrong assumptions. You will reach the other side in a healthier place even if you must go through some nasty battles as long as both of you have each other’s back.  Underneath you care, and want the other’s happiness. Does your intention hold out for their highest interest without betraying yourself? Love can mean very different things to different people depending on your experience of it. This is where it can get confusing. What love means to you needs to coincide with what love means to someone else evidenced by your treatment of each other – this will determine how close you can hold someone’s orbit …

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A client asked me recently “what are your spiritual practices for the year?” We’d been discussing goals, visioning, and the changes she wanted to make for her best year ever. I paused, and wondered how do I explain what’s behind what I practice these days?  That it really is about BEING the change spiritually. A decade ago, I couldn’t even tell you what spirituality meant. Today it feels like my entire life has been infused with it. I still remember these words stopping me in my tracks.. We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience. ~Pierre Teilhard de Chardin My truth bells were immediately ringing. I’d somehow known this…I read it again. Wrote it down. I looked up Pierre..how do I completely miss these great  thinkers? This pattern would repeat itself over and over..a whole new reality opened up that has been around for thousands of centuries. We lost a part of ourselves long ago… Who Are You? You are a soul. A complex personality. A unique being who’s evolving on this earth in a vast Universe filled with spiritual guidance. In our modern world filled with technology,  and global access to much information, spirituality may feel invisible to you despite a growing awareness that we are all somehow connected. I’ve been living, and creating my life from a spiritual place for the last decade. It’s a universal journey I share in smaller pieces because not only is readiness a factor, but your most sacred beliefs get challenged. It’s a tricky space to navigate. I remember the way I used to operate. I’d go straight into planning, common sense, and working hard to get things done. Checking off lists. Getting resources. Achieving Results. Next. Action is important, but once I realized being comes before doing – everything began to change. Allowing. Being present. Noticing. Connecting. Seeing. Believing. Trusting. Surrendering. Co-creating. Synchronicities. I was missing all of it. What I did this year.. I begin each year with a soul theme. This year it was followed a deep dive into Michael Beckwith’s 4 Stage Visioning Process (can listen here). He takes you through the spiritual journey of living into your life’s vision. I felt a strong push to lead more this year so a ‘leadership’ theme was coming up for me. It was fueled by a sense of ‘responsibility’ to share more about spirituality. So I invited some friends over the holidays to watch this visioning process, which is what I’ve been experiencing the past decade! Of course how you go through the stages is unique to you, but it’s remarkably consistent for all. It happened to fall on a day when plenty of snowflakes were coming down hard. The roads were not good, and I wasn’t sure anyone would make it, but 11 friends arrived! The number 11 is a ‘sign’ that shows up to tell me “I’m on my right path”. I used to see 11:11 as a child, and then it stopped. In the last decade as I became more spiritually aware, this 11:11 prompt would appear in all forms 8:11, 11:56, 111, but ONLY when I wasn’t looking for it. Each time it wows me because it reminds me of this bigger universe we live in. Michael Hyatt’s 5 Days to Your Best Year Ever I also completed Michael Hyatt’s 5 days to your Best Year Ever  online program. Michael Beckwith’s visioning process is more BEING.  Michael Hyatt’s program is more DOING. We need both. As one of my coaches, Christine Kloser would say: “Pray, and move your feet!” Did you notice the two Michael’s? I have a Godson whose name is Michael. Some people know Jesus as Jeshua, or Joshua Ben Joseph but I also know him as “Christ Michael”. These are synchronicities I pay attention to now. I see signs and synchronicities every day reminding me of my own spiritual nature.  See if you notice them in your life. Some can slip by me for years! When I finally connect the dots, I wonder what took me so long? The teacher appears when the student is ready. Once I pay attention, I will ask “what am I being shown in this moment that I’m meant to see?” Essentially I open up a dialogue – it’s similar to praying, but more like asking for guidance. You can’t receive what you don’t ask for – free will is the overriding universal law AND things happen we don’t want. If you can understand this paradox (and duality), you will come to see the nature of life, and can navigate it all more easily. Your Soul Theme Your soul theme is a one word intention that becomes your internal compass for the year. It’s like a nudge calling you forward into becoming more of who you want to be. It’s also the way your soul is seeking to grow. What do you feel called to step into this year? Can you narrow it down to one word? The reason why writing down your goals gives you have a much higher chance of success is that it’s a way to release your intention energetically, and you will receive matching assistance from the Universe. Be careful what you wish for – that you are indeed ready to receive it. Here’s a great resource for more on that idea most of you know as ‘the law of attraction’: Ask, and it is given. Getting Yourself Out of the Way You know we can be our own block, but what exactly do we need to let go of? Our limiting beliefs. We all have them. “Belief is always limiting and binding; faith is expanding and releasing. Belief fixates, faith liberates.” ~The Urantia Papers, 1955 What’s difficult is we don’t know which thoughts are stopping us from experiencing the things we want.  They’re our blind spots of self-deception. We tend to think in black and white, logically, and rationally (especially if you grew up in a more …

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Did you ever try to emotionally connect with your team? Well, you can try these 6 practices. Emotional connection is a 2-way street, but as parents, we tend to be one-way: “What’s going on with you?” “Can you talk to me?” And the dreaded question that starts in kindergarten: “What did you do today?” You know the answer: “Ahh…nothing.” Then the interrogation follows: “But honey, you must have done something! What about…?” We create this tension early on and expect our kids to somehow just confide their most intimate feelings. What’s the secret to emotionally connecting with your kids? I had no clue in my early years of raising our son and twin girls. But today, as they head into their final years of high school, I marvel how they want to share their exciting news, and bring up sensitive issues without any begging on my part. Here are 6 secrets I discovered on how to emotionally connect with teens, to let their deep experiences be a natural part of our conversations: 1. Model an emotional connection. Do you express your emotions with your kids? I had to learn how to be comfortable expressing my emotions after growing up in a family where anger was a bad thing, and tears were dismissed with “that’s not something to cry about”. My home environment was happy, but when it came to emotions, it was more like: “Be sensible and get on with it!” Emotions got buried. Your children feel safer being real with their emotions when you’re real with them. Trust is a feeling of “you get me” because both sides are willing to be vulnerable emotionally. Have you shared any emotional struggles or mistakes from your teen days? Do you show your true emotions or keep them hidden? They want to know you’re human too. 2. Create a safe space to express emotions. Can your children be pissed off, depressed, angry, disappointed, freaking out without the demands of “Tell me what’s the matter!” or the classic no-no: “What’s wrong with you?” Who would open up emotionally in that controlling and judgmental space? Instead, whatever emotions are showing up — ask how you can support them or what they need from you. Then listen slowly, and acknowledge their feelings with “I can see how you’d feel that way.” It’s difficult for any parent to see their children hurt, frustrated, or angry. We try to fix them with lectures or protect them from pain instead of allowing their genuine emotions to flow. Your ability to be with their disappointment or anger gives them the resilience and courage to face what’s underneath. You can now have a conversation around their own “why” based on who they are. Learning to trust their emotions is a huge guidance tool to know which direction to go. 3. Embrace who they are, not who you want them to be. We have strong opinions about what will make our children happy, spiritual and successful. Throw them out. Allow your child to follow their heart, and discover what makes them happy. Come from this place: “I believe in you.” Discipline, focus, and hard work are necessary for success, but it needs to be led from their personality, and desires, not ours. The freedom to be who they are allows them to trust their own feelings, which leads to a healthy self-worth. 4. Ask, don’t tell. It may feel like your job as a parent is to tell your children what to do. This is the furthest thing from the truth. Your job is to guide them to be who they want to become. You need to share what things need to get done and why, but you know what it feels like being told what to do by anyone! Teens especially resist as they are becoming more independent, which is what you want for them. 5. Engage: be interested in what interests them. When my daughter wants to share a whole passage from a book she loves, sometimes I have to grin and bear it. I try to listen for what’s so exciting for her when it just isn’t that exciting for me. Same goes for the songs they listen to, the shows they watch, and the games they play. They eagerly want me to experience what they find “wow!” I fully admit I don’t get them sometimes! If I want to know them for who they are, it requires making an effort engaging in their world. 6. Find consistent times to have 1:1 conversation. Do you have at least one meaningful precious moment with your teen every day laughing, talking, and sharing — in the car, during a meal, or in the hallway? As much as possible, I use ‘regular’ moments like chauffeuring as an opportunity to connect. They don’t always want to and neither do I, but being aware of using this time wisely adds up. A committed 5 minutes at bedtime to say “good night” can create many unexpected intimate conversations. Mealtimes are planned, and opportunities to connect. Following these practices not only allowed me to emotionally connect with my teens but also allowed them to develop a tremendous connection with each other! This article was first published on yourtango.com.

And how you can get it right. When I was 14, a friend shared this quote with me: “If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it’s yours. If it doesn’t, it never was.” That quote was by Richard Bach. I read it over many times, wondering what it meant and if it was true. Let go of someone you love as a test to see if they come back? If they do, that’s true love? Is this the definition of love? What does love look like? It took me the next few decades to realize that the biggest part about love that we often get wrong is freedom. Letting go is what allows love to flow in. We’ve been taught that it’s hanging on. It’s making promises until death do us part. Sticking with it at any cost, even if it means betraying your own sense of what you most need and desire. We try to control love, preserve it somehow from changing, but not realizing that love is the constant. We are the ones who need freedom in love because we are in a perpetual state of change. Not growing leads to boredom and stagnation. The freedom to be yourself and say what you feel as you move and expand through life can slowly disappear with the one closest to you. Why? We want to protect and avoid hurting our partner. What if the one we love isn’t moving in the ways we are? We also know them so well that their negative response or lack of interest can be anticipated. Why put ourselves out there to face that pain when we’ve learned to avoid it? We tell ourselves, “They won’t understand this part of me. I’ve tried.” We can even justify this state of our relationship as “being considerate”. Or worse, we tell ourselves this is what it means to love someone unconditionally. What if we had it all wrong? What if love is really about creating a wide, open space that allows both sides to expand into all you are meant to become? To champion each other towards your highest so you can bring the greatest of who you are meant to be back to your relationship? I love the definition of love by Dr. Scott Peck, author of The Road Less Traveled: “Love is the will to extend oneself for the purpose of nurturing one’s own or another’s spiritual growth.”   Freedom in love has no boundaries and no limits. It’s abundant in every way imaginable. It has space for the ups and downs — for both the joy and heartache. We are spiritual beings, and if we are here evolving over time and space to experience true abundance, wouldn’t love give us the freedom for that? The Dalai Lama says, “Love is the absence of judgment.” To judge another person is what blocks our freedom to grow, and the cause of what we get wrong in love. Whenever you are annoyed, frustrated, or angry at someone for something you don’t like or agree with, and treat them to your condemnation — judgment is present. How likely is it that someone can show up fully when you’re making them feel wrong or less than you? Judgment creates a shift towards control and ownership in love that feeds into resentment and disconnection. It sounds, and feels like this: “How dare you do that?” “Who do you think you are?” “I won’t tolerate your behavior!” “You owe me an apology!” What if we could see ourselves as different instead of wrong? How would you show up if you knew you could not be wrong with someone? Love doesn’t matter who’s right. It doesn’t take sides. It offers a different kind of freedom beyond right and wrong. When you’ve become someone’s judge, you will push away the experience of being in love because your spirit is no longer free to explore. The more controlling and condemning you become in love, the needier and more dependent you are for someone else to change to make you happy. Lecturing or unwanted advice can be controlling if one side feels like they have no other option but to listen. If you feel obligated to act in ways to avoid disappointing someone, you are being controlled. Check in with your loved one. What space is available to voice what’s really on your mind and in your heart? Are your opinions and beliefs valued? Are your hopes and dreams heard and understood? Is there a safe space to discourse on a difficult conversation where everything is placed on the table? When you run into inevitable conflict, do loved ones shut you down, not listen, get annoyed, lecture, freak out, or dismiss you leaving you feeling disconnected? Do you have the freedom to be the real you? Where’s the freedom in “I can’t live without you?” Yes, you can. Love is empowering, and missing that person may be painfully sad, but not so disempowering that you cannot survive. Try, “I can live on because your love gave me the strength to carry on.” Someone once said, “Where there is love, there is no need for rules.” Love has that kind of freedom. “This article was first published at YourTango.com.”

Spent 4 days gathering insights from women inspirational leaders at the Women’s International Summit – it’s a different kind of conference you may be used to..it included complimentary toe readings. I know what you may be thinking…but keep an open mind! The spirit of humanity was infused everywhere, and a desire to give, grow, and effect change hovered in the air. These particular women ignited that spark in each of us for however you desire to show up in this world with your definition of love, success, and happiness. It often gets buried under laundry, family, job, and our never-ending “to-do list’. Sherri Salata (past OWN co-president) recommended a “to-be list” in a process she calls “The Reckoning”. How do you want to BE now in the landscape of family friends, adventure discovery, meaning success, creativity innovation, spirituality happiness, health fitness, romance sex? She spoke about ‘re-visioning’ your life at any age to continue to DREAM BIG. Can you look back and see pivotal times in your life where you took a turn in a new direction? That’s a revision, and you can create it even if you’ve had the most wild success already – you’re not done! Every speaker shared personal wisdom that moves your soul  – words that cut through when you are present in the room with their soul. Here’s my attempt to summarize their collective wisdom: 1. Melissa Harris-Perry ‘Self-care’ is over-rated.  We need ‘squad care’. There are those so broken in survival mode that the spa or a relaxing bubble bath -even exercise aren’t options. Imaginary characters in books & leaders are part of your squad! *Take away: Surround yourself by a tribe of people who champion, support, energize, and believe in you. Reach out to those who need you, and if you’re in need – find organizations in your community. 2.  Elizabeth Gilbert When Elizabeth, one of the many women international leaders was a struggling writer, her idol (who she admitted to stalking at parties) finally turned to ask her: “What are you willing to give up to have the life you want to keep pretending you care about?” Whew! You could feel a silent gasp fill the room as we heard our own excuses rise to the surface. *Take Away: I have to say NO – even to the things I care about to make room for my highest of priorities. I may disappoint or piss people off. Get rid of distractions – all of them – you know which ones. Decide who & what matters. Edit the rest. Sometimes a diagnosis will tell you. Say “I respectively do not care.” Liz was looking for something revolutionary in women beyond the ‘powerful, strong, badass, confident’ ones we all know. She found it in learning to be RELAXED no matter WHAT insanity is taking place in our lives. Too many are walking with our minds WORRIED moving at a BUSY pace to a point of deteriorating health, little sleep, and addictions into food, shopping, medication etc.  She practices the phrase “It’s all going to be all right”. It’s not “relaxed’ in the form of a hot stone massage, but more like ‘befriending’ the inevitable mess. There’s a clarity, and simplicity when you find this place of ‘relaxed’ within you.  Even when facing your own death, which is the one thing we know for sure, and have no control over. There’s no regrets when you find this ‘relaxed’ alignment, which requires a mystical faith in something bigger than yourself. 3. Marianne Williamson I’ve been learning from Marianne’s work for many years. Her classic book “A Return to Love” I finished at a Disney resort in the early morning sunlight before our vacationing families were awake. It was 2009, and I felt a higher consciousness rise up in me after turning the final page. It was also the same year I certified as a life coach – a career change leap of faith (revision!) for me from accounting. Many of you know I used to see “11’s” as a child (typically as 11:11), but also 2009 is really “11” (2 + 9).  Once that inner consciousness began to rise, I started seeing 11:11 ALL the time. It’s a sign with profound meaning for me. I only noticed now the significance of a drawing by my daughter that’s been hanging in my garage for years – no idea how it got there! I kept meaning to take it down…signs show up in the most unusual ways – be curious, and pay close attention. Marianne has the ability to silence a room into stillness, to have whole audiences forgive, weep, and leave enlightened. In a room filled with a 1,000 women open to changing the world, the fierce side of her was alive and present! I’ve never heard her SO passionate about our role, and responsibility as women leaders now more than ever. She shared that a “summit” implies reaching upwards, and at some point between us as a child, and us as an adult we must be clear on the ground on which we stand. That EVERY child is our child – that we are part of a human family, and right now it’s a scary world. What I love about Marianne It’s what I love about Marianne – any complacency you might have had gets wiped out with the reality of what we’ve created. She calls you forth like no other. For some – it was too much, and a few women walked out. She reminded us that when you stand up for what you believe in – it’s not loud enough if you don’t have people uncomfortable or resisting you. That’s how you know you’ve risked standing bravely in your truth. 4. Lisa Ling  List Ling was also among the many women international leaders. Lisa, a journalist on C.N.N visiting countries most of us would not venture into – provoked deeper awareness from her reporting on sex trafficking, war, terrorism, North Korea, and the 30M more males than females in China due to their 1 child policy. She opened our eyes to how little thought is given when you put …

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Do you leave conversations with people feeling warm, and fuzzy where you look forward to re-connecting again? Would you call your discussions with people as intimate conversations? Depends on the conversation, and who it is, right? Sex without intimacy can be great, but sex with intimacy is phenomenal. Same goes for conversations. We don’t desire intimacy conversations, but missing out here can leave you feeling empty, and disconnected. What creates that spark of intimacy where you laugh until your belly aches, your mind gets stretched to new horizons, or tears might flow between you, and anyone else? I call intimate conversations as soul conversations, and they make you feel alive. There’s a practice of conversation I noticed happening over the years where my soul could reach out to meet someone else’s. It felt like instant resonance, and our words could pour out easily sharing who we are, and what we’re about. I began to notice more people saying “you’re the only one I’ve ever shared this with…”, and a deeply held truth would surface for air. I could feel a weight being lifted. Some conversations would end with an unexpected surprise: a heartfelt hug or an “I love you”. What had I done to create this level of intimacy? As a life coach, I’ve learned how to create safe, confidential spaces, but soul conversations go beyond the presumed trust we have with professionals or close friends we can confide in. It’s a higher faith we hold not just for someone’s happiness, but the growth they seek for themselves even if it means you feeling disappointed, hurt or angry. Everyone needs to follow their own soul compass. Judging someone will block soul conversations because ‘the judge’ does not have the capacity to hold your energy in their lower space of vibration. Your energy could also be blocking someone from opening up to a deeper conversation. We build walls around ourselves to protect from criticism, and judgment. When someone is willing to bare their soul, and you feel safe to share yours – there are steps that happens to get here. The 3 Steps to Intimate Conversations: 1) Know who you are not just what you do We all believe we know ourselves. I did too, but we tend to define ourselves by “WHAT I have done”, not “WHO I am”. It sounds like this: here’s what I like, what I do for a career, what my role is etc. Some of these ‘whats’ may actually be ‘shoulds’ when you take a closer look. Who you are comes from being authentic to your own inner voice. Can you describe WHO you are? As I child I was drawn to _______________. As a student, I loved spending time _______________. What I treasure most about being a parent, a partner, or a friend is _______________. What led me to pursue the work I do: _______________. What’s most important to me is: _______________. My closest connections know me to BE: _______________. Inside is a BEING driving your choices. Be willing to explore yourself intimately. 2) Show up vulnerably as your true self Being vulnerable means being willing to risk what feels safer NOT doing: • Sharing your truth even if it disappoints or angers those you care about • Breaking possible ‘rules, and expectations’ especially with surrounding family & friends Do you trust, and cherish your own values, and personal choices so strongly that you are willing to stand up in the face of opposition? How well do people know the REAL you? The spirit of you? The lens you look through? The filter you listen with? How life experiences land with you. For most of my life, I wasn’t familiar with my innermost thoughts, and feelings to be able to share them with others. My life was about getting things done, and making sure everything was working well: education, career, marriage, family, and friends. It was all good, but my soul didn’t have space to breathe. When things are not going OK, can you tap into the heart of those closest to you? Can you say what you need to say that has a safe, understanding, and intelligent spot to land? I used to deal with disagreements by brushing them off. Shared with friends who’d laugh with their similar stories. I felt frustrated at times, but accepted the circumstances, and just moved on. I didn’t stop to ask: WHY is this bothering me? What’s important about that? I didn’t know the most powerful communication tool: BE CURIOUS & ask questions. “I notice you are choosing  __________. Please help me understand why you are reacting that way. What’s driving that choice?” The extent to which you remain on the surface, avoiding, or clashing with no movement forward will determine how little you know of others. Intimacy requires you be willing to open up first, and share vulnerably. It tells someone 2 things: that you trust yourself, and you’re willing to trust them.  You will quickly filter who can earn your trust by what follows. Intimacy is a 2-way street. 3) Tap into your soul I’ll be honest – this one’s difficult to explain, and I consider it to be the most important part of true intimacy and intimate conversations. It’s knowing you have an inner compass or light within that your soul can connect with. Our heart feels clearly. Not the heart that reacts personally or attacks emotionally. That’s your ego. It’s the heart that’s grounded, yet passionate, and wise from our experiences. Your heart genuinely feels your true emotions of anger, sadness, and disappointment. You have a personality that is housed in your soul. We are all spiritual beings, and can connect to a divine source within us. When we tap into our soul, new ways of communication open up. I’m putting that mildly. When you trust your ‘intuition’, what exactly are you trusting? How do you define that inner knowing? When signs, and synchronicities happen do you pass them off as coincidences? I invite you to slow down, and look again. Our ability to be communicate with a divine …

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Men vs women is a centuries-old debate. Throughout history, it may appear men hate more in opposition with the dominance of men’s power in the world, wars fought primarily by men, domestic violence against women, and let’s not forget about testosterone. Something that women seem to be better at than men: opposing without hatred. ~Sir Mark Rylance, the Oscars, Feb 2017 When I first heard these words, it did seem like women were better at avoiding hatred. According to the Mayo Clinic, the normal testosterone range for the average adult male is 270-1070 ng/dL compared to only 15-70 ng/dL for females. Aggression is hormonally influenced. But does one gender actually hate more, or have women simply had to suppress their opposition given their relative lack of power, and resources available to them?   Look around your own life – do the men you know hate more than the women? Cultural, social, and economic factors obviously play a huge role, but there are significant differences between how men, and women handle opposition. When it comes to men vs women, we are wired differently. Men can brawl in a sport, or shout with their egos in the boardroom, and when it’s over walk away with no hate. It’s as if that moment was simply part of dealing with the issue at hand, and they move on. How often have you known a man to hang onto resentment or bring up the past in excruciating detail the way a woman can? You’ve probably noticed how men generally don’t feel the level of guilt women do as a response to internal opposition. “Mommy guilt” runs rampant, but daddy guilt? Not so much. It’s not because men care less about their children! And what about the gossip, and sheer nastiness that goes on among women in opposition that doesn’t appear to be the way most men oppose each other? If you missed this 10-minute video clip on men vs women – funny & insightful on our differences! The reality is aggressiveness is not necessarily destructive. We need this quality to defend ourselves if we’re being attacked, or someone tries to take advantage of us. It’s desirable in situations calling for immediate action or competitive environments where getting results is the name of the game. It just can’t be at the cost of hate, which leads to drama, violence, and broken relationships. Even murder. How do we move from aggression to hate? It seems we’re seeing hate, and chaos more these days. What is going on when whole countries are divided? The Missing Link Hate is really extreme anger against someone you are condemning. It’s the energy you hold when you are judging someone. We all have situations where someone has wronged us where its reasonable to defend ourselves, and we absolutely need to do that. But when you become defensive, and attacking – you are taking your own hate and using it to judge someone back. How do you oppose without hatred when you’ve been attacked unjustly? It’s not easy. There’s a new collective consciousness we’re seeing worldwide: A lot of us are familiar with the psychological construct of narcissism as applied to an individual: someone who is grandiose and overconfident on the outside, but needy and vulnerable underneath. But collective narcissism is something different: it is when someone exhibits an exaggerated belief in the superiority of their in-group, be that a gang, religion or nation, but deep down feels doubtful about their group’s prestige and therefore craves its recognition by others. ~Dr. Christian Jarret Vulnerability from a sense of neediness arises from self-worth that’s been hurt. It can lead to controlling others, blame, and attacking behaviour. Where does it originate? Imagine if you depended on someone who wasn’t there leaving you feeling abandoned. What if you trusted someone who betrayed you? Have you ever felt shamed by someone that wasn’t your fault? What if these experiences were not a one-time thing, but part your past, splashed with ongoing current experiences with the people closest to you? These painful situations create genuine hurt, and damages self-worth. It’s a cycle that sadly gets passed from one generation to the next. Two invisible walls go up. 1. The wall between you as the innocent victim seeking justice, and the destructive ego that tries initially to protect you, but ends up condemning you. An inner judge forms: a punishing internal voice confirming you’re not good enough. It’s a battle now within: you against you. 2.  There’s also the wall between you (the innocent victim that becomes needy) and anyone                     who triggers previous attacks, which naturally seeks to control. The inner judge warns “don’t you dare do that to me again!” Things get taken personally, there’s over-reaction, and defensive behavior. Have you ever felt yourself walking on eggshells around someone? Their energy feels fragile where you exercise caution to avoid a potential attack or a sudden withdrawal for no apparent reason. When I’ve been attacked, and allowed feelings of betrayal to overcome me – I’ve felt anger that’s turned to hatred I can justify. But I created it because in that moment I’ve made myself a victim to someone else’s destructive choices. I believed someone else’s truth that wasn’t my own. That’s when I could practice letting my own judgment go. You can let go of other people’s judgment knowing that’s their responsibility, and personal choice, not yours. Besides, it’s out of your control how someone chooses to behave. If you’ve come across anyone who lashes out with insults, arrogance, or interruptions followed by repetitions of “I’m a nice guy”- their invisible walls are up. There’s an inability to distinguish “reasonable anger” where you gain the strength to stand up for yourself versus “attacking anger” that’s really hurt turning to hate. How do you make those invisible walls visible? express any genuine anger from your past with people you can trust – releasing this energy heals your mind, body, and spirit develop a maturity that goes beyond self-importance seeking praise, and validation from others to feel good enough without justifying attacking behaviour do not accept anyone’s attack of you …

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