I’d managed to avoid conflict most of my life until I started trusting my own inner voice. Turns out being with conflict is inevitable if we want to be true to ourselves. How can we best manage it constructively in a way that helps us grow? A close friend shared with me recently:
“As a part of our inter-connectiveness, our choices continually bump into the lives of others and in doing so we take turns being the cause of something and creating an effect in another. We all take turns being on both sides of the coin. When we base our choices on being true to ourselves and with a pure intention, we must also accept that we will cause something that may or may not cause disharmony in the life of another and we must allow that other to make their own choices from what they feel is being true to themselves and with good intention.
This disharmony or disequilibrium is the first step toward growth, and struggle. Once we’ve put our choice into play, we must release for others the freedom to make their own choices that begins a process of making further choices. At the heart of this cycle is the understanding and acceptance that this will occur. So it becomes a process of maintaining a balance between the choices we make and our ability to accept the responsibility that our choices will have on the lives of others.
It is the right, the freedom and responsibility of each one of us to allow others the freedom to respond to this disharmony and at the same time it is our right, our freedom, and our responsibility to decide just how much of our choices we will disclose to another knowing that it will create an effect. No one can make that decision for us. It is something that needs to be negotiated individually and uniquely between every pair of individuals who fall into this cycle of cause and effect. It is why our intentions play such an important role.”
What does it mean to hold pure intention?
This is where it gets tricky. Everyone is unique, and lives in a different place on the spectrum of love that connects us versus fear that separates us. There is no ‘right’ intention for someone else. There’s only whether the intention you choose to hold is constructive or destructive to your own well-being. When we try to avoid disappointing others, maintain harmony, strive to meet other’s expectations, seek approval – it can be at the expense of being true to ourselves.
We may sacrifice to meet others’ expectations going against what we authentically desire believing this is giving, but true giving comes from a pure intention that requires self-love. When we give of ourselves without being attached to needing anything back in return we live in a place of high self-esteem as opposed to our ego where there is resentment, guilt, frustration, self-pity or obligation.
If my husband wants to spend an evening playing poker with his friends, and my intention is wanting his happiness, even if I would rather he choose to be with me, I’ll say authentically “have a great time” from a place of self-love where I ‘give’ without resentment. I may feel sad I don’t get to spend the evening with him, but that belongs to me not him. It’s a choice he’s made, and I’ve accepted and I’m no longer being with conflict. If I am feeling jealousy or disappointment, it will feel like I’m sacrificing because my ego is at work with it’s intention of “I don’t want to feel bad (self pity)”, and you need to ‘make me happy (blame)’ so him choosing to leave will create anger or frustration.
If he hasn’t been home for weeks on end, and consistently chooses something else over me, then being true to my value of spending quality time isn’t being honoured. I will speak up from a place of self-love, and share how I am feeling – sad and disappointed, which may show up as anger, and frustration that will feel like being with conflict needs to be dealt with. This will create new choices, and decisions. We will either grow together to honour that shared value or further apart if we can’t find a compromise.
When thoughts of ‘you should have…’ or if you really loved me you ‘would have…’ show up, check in whether you are speaking up for the words and actions that are not aligned with the values you hold that are creating your genuine emotions and connects you to yourself OR are you living from your ego needing someone to follow your ‘right way’, and in your judgment feel anger, self-pity, resentment or disappointment which separates you from others, and from yourself?
Only you can know and trust your own sense of well-being. The biggest validation:
Your outer experiences will reflect your inner values.
You will experience greater joy, love, and authentic connection because the struggle helps you grow together not apart. You will attract people you resonate with who trust you because you can trust yourself. Miracles begin showing up when you are aligned with your true self, and there is a flow to your life. You grow spiritually to a place of more inner peace, less stress, and ease. You are happier.
If people you admire, and trust are leaving, and you have a pattern of being with conflict resulting in a constant cycle of repeated stress where you feel stuck, and often defensive – reflect on whether your ego is at work. Where are you afraid of disappointing others? What do you need others to be so you can be happy? Where are you avoiding? What do you expect from others otherwise you blame them, and feel resentment?
Conflicts fought when both sides come from pure intention of trusting love not fear allows each side to be who they are, where each takes responsibility for their own ego (blaming, complaining, condemning is not ok). Through the struggle, you will each feel closer to your true selves as your return back to the Divine love within you.
“For the best is only bought at the cost of great pain… Or so says the legend.”
