Carolyn Hidalgo

It’s the season of giving, and a time when expectations, and disappointments can hit an all-time high. Not so much about the gift giving (though it can disappointing when it really misses the mark), but in all the other ways we give to those we love around the holiday season. The way you invest your time, energy, and intentions, along with the thoughts behind any material gifts – what if those aren’t returned the way you expected? How to Avoid Expectations and Disappointments The  simple wisdom goes: give, and don’t have any expectations in return, then you won’t be disappointed. So, don’t have any expectations? I needed to examine: where have I felt the most disappointed? Where might I have had a part in creating that experience? Our deepest disappointments are felt with anyone we’ve carved out a space for in our hearts. On some level – big or small we care how this person thinks about us. And, how they treat us, and whether there’s a reflection back. Because we’ve giving whole-heartedly from a genuine part of ourself that cares. It’s healthy to have that come back to mirror who we are. That other simple wisdom: “don’t care what anyone else thinks” doesn’t apply here. You will care about what the people you love think just as you hope those who love you care about what you think! The secret is letting go of where you don’t have control of what someone else thinks. And, also letting go when their ideals don’t resonate with yours : ) Those willing to grow with you will have a mutual desire to be curious, beneficial, and influential in your life. They do that even when you disagree, and vice versa so you can grow, and change together. The problem is we don’t just hold different values sometimes with those we care about, we operate from different places of self-value. This gap can be so big between you that the way you give, and receive can result in huge disappointments. Have you ever felt a need to be overly thankful to someone more for them? Or the need to please them – not because of your inherent gratitude or genuine praise? Intuitively, do you notice where someone seems to need your accolades to feel good about themselves? A part of you wants to give this to make them happy. But it’s a warning sign that you are feeding into something self-destructive: their ego. You are secretly validating someone’s need to fill the void in them by seeking it from you. Nothing outside can make someone feel ‘good enough’ inside. When it comes to those we love, this can be a toxic place when someone depends on you for their self-worth. Byron Katie, author of “Loving What Is” suggests we stop seeking love, approval, and appreciation from other people.  This is where our biggest disappointments get created. You don’t need to seek these when you already hold them within you to share. When you value yourself, you can confidently live by your own values without worrying what anyone thinks. You attract others who also value themselves, and any disappointments become resolvable because there’s a safe space to share transparently without either of you taking it personally. It’s where you don’t feel valued that disappointments occur. The more people you have in your life who value themselves the way you do, the less you will be disappointed because your expectations of each other will naturally get met. You’ve surrounded yourself with those whose vibe matches yours. There’s a space to experience true joy, laughter, and connection on levels that keep expanding. The more you seek love, approval, and appreciation from others, the more expectations you will have. Then, chances are, you will feel more disappointed because others are now mirroring your own self-deception – that you are not worthy. Otherwise why would you need to seek something from them to make you happy? When you can give from a place where you value your own self-worth, you have the capacity to give without being attached to the outcome of what they will give back. When all your gifts – your time, energy, or thoughts behind any material things comes from a place where you value yourself – it ALL comes back- if your recipient holds a similar self-value so they can receive you. Love isn’t something you need to try to give. You already are that – it’s learning how to connect more and more to this part of yourself so you can give, and receive from here that suddenly you find yourself experiencing more joy, and less disappointment because what comes back is exactly what you expected. It’s where I’m expecting something to feed a place that’s lacking self-worth in me that I feel a disappointment I could have avoided if not for this self-deception. My ego is seeking what my spirit knows I already have. Do you ever give from a place of needing to please someone? Then you will expect others to please you by giving that same way. It feels more like an obligation than giving, but it’s easy to slip here where your ego can make you feel guilty, and you will feel disappointed by what you feel owed. Sadly, I see a lot of relationships based on this exchange: “what are you doing for me?”, and it’s not in their awareness that there’s is a toxic energy that flows back and forth. Instead, ask “what are we wanting to give to each other to nurture our highest joy, and capacity to grow together”? Author Rob Bell says you have a  second set of eyes with those you love. When you are disappointed, ask them to show you what you are not seeing with their eyes that you cannot see with your own. Then decide if that makes sense to you, and whether you can trust those eyes! Every time I bump up against what I wasn’t expecting, I see it as an opportunity to grow more connected to who I really am. Closer to that Divine part within us all. I ask myself: Why do I feel this way based on my values? What am I not seeing about this person that isn’t what I anticipated? Is it consistent with how they treat other …

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I felt at a bit of a loss how best to support my twin girls when they auditioned, and both got accepted to a high school for the arts (majoring in musical theatre) this year. I just hoped it would be an environment that allowed them to develop their creativity. At one time, I would not have considered an arts school for my children. I grew up with a strong belief that sciences were more important than the arts. My parents are both medical doctors. The arts was considered impractical, and a hobby only, not a career. I could see why. My bigger fear – what if only one of them gets accepted? We read the first email together.  “Congratulations Leah…”  I held my breath before opening the second email praying for the same words for Makayla. It’s what they both wanted. Suddenly, they were jumping up, and down, hugging, screaming, and crying. I was still in shock. Competition was fierce with a 20% acceptance rate, and part of me wondered “is this best for them?” Now I no longer knew the way. I could help with reading and math, but the Arts? I recalled a highly recommended classic – “The Artist’s Way” by Julia Cameron that was sitting on my shelf for years waiting to be cracked open. I still thought of  ‘artists’ in the traditional sense – painting, writing, music, dance etc.And, I assumed this book was about discovering that kind of inner artist, which felt unfamiliar to me – or was it? When I took a closer read of the front cover: A Spiritual Path to Higher Creativity, I almost fell off my chair. I’d been teaching my children spirituality ever since I became a life coach in 2009. Now I knew how they got in with barely any experience in the “triple threat” of musical theatre: dancing, singing, and drama. Our conversations over the years had changed from me telling them what to do, to me becoming a better listener, getting them to follow their passions, and sharing more authentically. I slowed down, and got curious about where they were coming from when they over-reacted or wouldn’t listen. I gave them a new space to show up being who they are, and they rose up to meet me. They remind me to please stop what I’m doing: “mom – you are not looking at me face to face!” They make sure I’m present when they want to talk to me. Ugh.. : ) I’d been encouraging one thing: connect with what resonates with you, and follow it. Give everything your best effort. Don’t bother comparing or looking at the odds. Take some risks if it’s something you want, and even if you feel disappointed – what you will have gained just trying will be well worth it. “The Artist’s Way” is a 12 step program of discovering your creative self.  Each chapter includes insightful exercises with a commitment to 2 key practices: a  regular ‘Artist’s date’ with yourself where you spend time alone doing something you love journalling every morning to ‘dump out’ any critical, judgmental, or negative thoughts and clear the way for your soul to express itself For millions around the world, these 2 practices have transformed people’s ability to tap into their own creativity. To get unstuck, and trust their intuition. It’s been a resource I’ve been following with a group of friends to help unblock me as a writer. I have lots to share, but getting it out on paper the way it’s in my heart is a struggle! Here are some of Julia’s fundamental principles on creativity: 1. “Creativity is the natural order of life. Life is energy: pure creative energy.” 2. “There is an underlying, in-dwelling creative force infusing all of life – including ourselves.” 3. “When we open ourselves to our creativity, we open ourselves to the creator’s creativity within us and our lives.” 4. “Creativity is God’s gift to us. Using our creativity is our gift back to God.” 5. “Our creative dreams and yearnings come from a divine source. As we move toward our dreams, we move toward our divinity.” Creativity (being an Artist), and spirituality turns out to be one, and the same. At their new school, one daughter will whip up a video for an English presentation adding in movable graphics, and fun headlines. She’ll listen to songs & visualize the dance numbers on her commute. To prepare for tests, she creates ‘dry erase’ cue cards by adding clear tape across the front underneath questions with the answers on the back. She joined the meditation, wellness, and yoga clubs because she’s a more ‘left-brainer’ analytical type, and can get stressed trying to control everything. She’s right-handed. Her twin sister tends to fly by the seat of her pants. She’ll whip up her own dishes with ingredients most teens won’t touch (think oysters, goat cheese, and spinach), and have them plated beautifully in no time. She’ll compose songs on her guitar, and paint complex designs on her nails. On lunch break she’s on the piano playing “Holding Out for a Hero” she’s figured out by ear, while she and her girlfriends blast out the melody. She’s more of a ‘right-brainer’ heart on her sleeve type, and can get stressed because she tends to avoid the discipline of practice in favour of just ‘going with the flow’. She’s left-handed. The quality one daughter needs to practice letting go of (control) is the strength the other one needs. Their way of being clashes regularly. One gets up early, the other sleeps in. One is tidy, and organized; the other not so much. I find myself in huge talks with one about the other, and make them face each other’s opposing edges where they can accept, and respect their differences so they don’t take each other personally. They laugh, cry, and get frustrated with each other often, but at the end of the day I can only describe their connection as spiritual: they have each other’s back. For their recent birthday, one spent the past several months creating a video called “My Favourite Memories with My Sister”. It was filled with experiences over the past year like their recent trip to NY, the camp they attend annually, seeing Taylor Swift in concert, family cottage moments, and countless photographed dishes her sister …

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These words may sound familiar as part of a traditional marriage vow to proclaim your commitment to the one you plan to love forever. It was also the name of a popular Canadian cartoon I read growing up by Lynn Johnston chronicling a family who sticks together no matter what.   Interestingly, Lynn divorced twice saying: “ people want to know a lot about it, and it’s nobody’s business but mine.. they’re sad because it was a fantasy. And I was sad for them because I wanted to give them a real family behind the family in the strip that was together and communicated…could see each other through all the ups and downs.” There’s an underlying message we’ve been fed: no matter what happens remain loyal because this means you love someone. I never gave much thought to what it means to love unconditionally – turns out it’s one the most misunderstood concepts of all time.  I grew up in a family where my parents have been happily married for 50 years, and my grandparents on both sides celebrated the same milestone. In other words, I was shown firsthand how its possible to love through the good times, and bad – certainly there were challenges to face, but what if there was one ingredient I was given I wasn’t aware of, yet I was still missing something? Some have said loving unconditionally is impossible because its just unrealistic. Others think it’s possible, but hard work, and there’s those whose wacky ideas about what love means it’s “my conditions or else”.  The reality is the only experience of love you can ever know is your own. Love is subjective, and the contrast of what it’s not is what gave me the greatest clue to experience it more fully beyond the harmony of simply ‘sticking together no matter what’. How far will you go trusting your own sense of what love is supposed to be, and not everyone else’s version of love? There’s a collapse of 2 beliefs into one that creates a lot of our own struggles in love. It says “no matter what shows up that’s not working for me (not just with a partner, but includes friends, and family) I’m sticking this out, and this mean I love you.” Other examples: • I have to worry about you because I love you. • I won’t say something because it will hurt you even if it’s true for me. • I will put up with your nasty behavior because you mean a lot to me, and I understand why you are this way. Worry, and the frantic, self-destructive energy it brings comes from fear. Concern, and the caring energy it brings comes from love. One feels disconnected, and out of control, the other feels like a desire to know a loved one is safe. Not the same experience. Often what we call love is really fear: • tolerating disguised as loyalty • worry disguised as concern • jealousy disguised as commitment • control disguised as caring • selfishness disguised as need • ownership disguised as love The one condition you must not give into is being treated by anyone where you are made to feel unworthy, inferior, less, or worse. This is judgment, and no one deserves anyone’s judgment, nor do you have the right to judge. It was the one thing I wasn’t treated to growing up that I didn’t realize – until I was judged, and the contrast of how this prior friend was treating me didn’t resonate with my own well-being. One of my best friends told me that I said something that profoundly changed how she was handling the pain of her nasty divorce. I said that her ex-husband was giving her a gift (putting her down, blaming her, making her feel guilty), and she was choosing to accept it by reacting to it. She didn’t have to accept this gift. You can notice it, but don’t choose to receive it. It’s a gift you don’t want or need! If you choose to be in relationship with anyone who dishes this energy out, this becomes the love you are accepting you deserve deep down, and love will continue to elude you. Or you will be in constant conflict trying to fight off what isn’t true, and why bother wasting all your energy on someone else’s lie? The love you deserve is part of you to begin with. You may not be tapped into it fully. Most of us aren’t. It is a divine light – an inner truth, beauty, and goodness that makes up your being. How you allow yourself to be treated, and how you treat others is your life’s work to uncover, and re-connect back to. It’s a long journey home with lots of ups, and downs that become your lessons. We all have them on our path to discovering unconditional love. You must recognize when it’s constructive for both sides to say “No, this way of treating me is NOT OK, and here’s why. I don’t deserve this.“ Be brutally honest, and the truth of any situation will emerge for you both to face head on. Difficult conversations need to be out in the open, which requires a space of non-judgment. Fear disappears here, and  the vulnerabilities you want to express can be shared. If the energy of judgment is present, there will be no space to share your truth, and it will define the level of connection you have with someone. No one is better or worse than another, but ignorance can keep you in a false bliss or continuous suffering. It’s so much easier to avoid our fears these days. It’s so much harder to deal with the aftermath of what shows up when you face one another’s authentic thoughts and feelings, and communicate the truth of what’s really bothering you. The internal pain. It’s not the other person, it’s you noticing what isn’t working that you trust whole-heartedly because it comes from the love within you. Our frantic world of exciting movies, tv, entertainment, social activities, and all the external stuff that $ buys can …

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Super Soul Sunday — Girls Night in a Twist Last Friday I joined forces with 2 colleagues for our 3rd women’s event: “Super Soul Friday – Girls Night In with a Twist”. The topic for last Friday was “Finding Peace in the Midst of Chaos”. What does it take to stay calm when faced with storms that inevitably show up in our lives? We touched on the wisdom of 3 leading experts each of us resonated most strongly with for finding our individual ways back to serenity. It got inspired when I invited some girlfriends over to watch Oprah’s Super Soul Sunday, but wanted to create a structure for deeper discussion! I was drawn to Jon Kabat-Zinn, author of ‘Wherever You Go, There You Are – Mindfulness Meditation in Every Day Life’. His calling to bridge art and science (mother an artist; father a molecular immunologist) resonated. I had a lot of questions about spiritual realities growing up surrounded by a strong medical-based family. After watching “The Secret” documentary back in 2006, it was the realization that EVERYTHING is energy – including us, that brought spirituality and science together for me in a profound way. Here are the clips I shared: Having a Morning Ritual (3 minutes) How to Restore Balance (2 minutes) Jon defines mindfulness as “paying attention on purpose, in the present moment, non-judgmentally.” There’s a widely held belief that non-judgment means having NO good or bad thoughts towards anything. Also that meditation in stillness requires having ‘no thought’ to clear your mind. I don’t exactly agree. You have between 50,000-70,000 thoughts a day, and majority of it is ‘negative noise’ – you can’t just turn them all off! It’s more about noticing the thoughts you are choosing to think from a deeper awareness, and how they are affecting you. Judging anything as ‘right/wrong’ or ‘good/bad’ tends to lead to an ‘inferior/superior’ or ‘better/worse’ perception where the ego shows up so I find it’s more valuable to ask: Is this healthy or unhealthy for my well-being?” Is this thought constructive or destructive to how I feel?” In short – is this working for me? There’s a difference between stress that’s destructive to your well-being, and struggle that helps you grow. Some of us strive in chaos. As a financial executive, my husband is one of them. He’s drawn to companies that need major upheavals to survive, and thrive. He enjoys this environment, and like most guys – getting results is highly motivating 🙂 It’s one of his strengths: staying calm enough to focus on key areas that require his attention when numerous balls are in the air. Which ones do you allow to drop? This kind of ‘chaos’ is really a ‘challenge’, or ‘struggle’ which can be exciting where things are moving, and grooving. There’s endless things to do that involves new learning, and solving problems – all great stuff! The problem is if anything consumes so much time & energy (even what you enjoy) when you finally stop to slow down, you end up putting a plug in the wheel of all the ‘doing’. Do you feel a bit empty when you slow down? Are you needing to zone out in front of the tv to relax? Do you feel lazy, antsy, or unproductive if you aren’t doing something? What becomes stressful to your well-being? Disengagement with yourself on the other parts of you that matter. Are you slowing down to notice… You’re not making time to exercise whatever that is for you Eating out a lot adds unwanted weight, not to mention digestive issues! Spending quality time is limited to doing necessary household responsibilities You miss having deeper conversations with your spouse, or children You’re having surface conversations as opposed to building meaningful friendships where you laugh so hard you cry I grew up in an environment where “getting things done” was highly valued. Working hard, and having an independent profession defined success. Everything was highly structured. At the time, it was worked well, but I could sense something was missing that ‘being mindful’ helped me see. There was more to life than doing. There was also being. Just noticing. Being present. The squeal of laughter from my children who have some of the best moments during their routine breakfast. The knowing in my friend’s eye when I sense she feels better after we talk about what’s really going on. The look, and feel in my husband’s touch. Intimacy, and connection on the soul level. I was missing it, and I began to find it when I practiced being mindful. In the midst of any experience that isn’t working for you (conflict, frustration, confusion, disappointment) is when we are most blind to what’s happening, and the greatest opportunity to grow. We react from our conditioning that often involved criticizing, and judging – blaming, and justifying our own stance of why we need to understand, follow or agree with someone else’s ‘right way’ – even when it’s not working for us! Practicing mindfulness allows you to notice “what is really going on – with me, with them, in this situation?” How much am I willing to step into my own truth of why this matters? What’s not working for me I need to face? Mindfulness brings you to a place that’s ‘judgment-free’ where your energy feels calm. It brings you back to feeling whole exactly where you are, doing the best you can because you can trust your SELF – your heart, mind, and soul. You can see, and hear others more clearly because you can see, and hear yourself. Angry, and frustrated with someone? What’s underneath your anger that may be creating it in the first place? It’s not them – they are just being themselves. It’s something that you value being stepped on – perhaps something you are not seeing fully. Get curious. Ask questions. From here, how can respond in the best way for your own well-being? Sad, and disappointed by how someone has treated you? What is really being stepped on that’s important to you that apparently isn’t what someone else may value? What can you do about it from this place? What will you share? What do you need to let go of? Mindfulness = Awareness One of most powerful ways to be mindful is to be in gratitude. At first you may have to think: ‘what am I thankful for?’ Then practice writing down 3 gratitudes every morning in a journal. Eventually you’ll notice you FEEL a sense of gratefulness wherever you go. Your awareness shifts until you ARE grateful …

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The Right Way to Facing Disappointment Once you recognize your ego’s fears from my last post: What’s Underneath Your Disappointment, you may be wondering – how do you not feel internal stress, or pain when facing disappointment, and stand up for what matters to you? Facing disappointment around circumstances requires that practice of taking responsibility that we do our best. And then understand that whatever mistakes happen are there for us to grow. We stop complaining, blaming, and justifying because you can see the gift to move on constructively. Pay attention to critical or judgmental thoughts against yourself. These are powerful weapons that will keep you feeling stuck e.g. “what’s wrong with me? How could I have done that? I’m so stupid!”  Instead, practice being your own best friend. Think thoughts of what your greatest champions, and cheerleaders who believe in you would tell you. If these friends don’t exist, find new ones. The real challenge happens when someone you love, and care about has disappointed you. It can feel easier to swallow our disappointment. Numb ourselves. Avoid saying what you need to say. Imagine you’ve been accused of things that are untrue, feel misunderstood, or deeply hurt. Where do you put all that energy when you sense speaking up will only result in conflict or already has? Silence when you don’t agree sends a mixed message: it’s ok to behave this way – when inside it’s not. It’s decision time. Do you want to grow with this person? How important are they in your life? When it comes to our partner, and children figuring out how to use your disappointments to grow together is the secret to a lasting healthy connection. With friends – we get to choose, and question – are we bringing out the best in each other or does this disappointment signal we’re growing apart? We have less choice when it comes to the family we were born into, including the built-in ‘familiar culture’ of what’s acceptable, so this is where we can feel most disappointed because it’s here we often want, but don’t have space to be ourselves. There’s no requirement that you have to spend oodles of time with your family. Sometimes saying no to family gatherings is a great choice, or keeping a healthy surface relationship is an option if they drain you! But for the ones you choose to surround yourself with – the cost of holding back your true self when disappointment shows up is what shuts down the opportunity to grow together because you are choosing not to let this person into your soul – the heart of what matters to you. Spiritual growth is the spark that keeps your connections loving, alive and well. Is there a safe space to share your anger? Your sadness or while facing disappointment or is the reaction you’re getting (blame, and judgment) blocking you from communicating what’s authentic? I ask myself: does this person believe in me? To what extent? Do they see who I am at my core? Have I done my best to communicate, and LISTEN in a way that was safe for the other person to share what’s going on for them? Do I understand what drives them, and what they stand for? Is it in alignment with who I am? The answers to these questions have helped me know when to walk away, distance myself, and consciously manage whatever space exists between us. There’s a strong tendency to accomodate what isn’t working for us because anyone we care about can easily justify their behaviour, and we tell ourselves “its because I love this person, and need to accept them unconditionally – I can’t change them.” NO – this is not what it means to love unconditionally! There a slight, but massive distinction between choosing to accept, and love what you don’t agree with, knowing you both face the same direction while trusting you have each other’s back no matter what ugliness shows up. We don’t necessarily grow at the same pace, AND we experience life differently, so instead of ‘putting up with’ or ‘accommodating with resentment’, the energy of unconditional love is one of serenity not sacrifice of what you cannot change (how someone else responds that disappoints us). When someone disappoints you, and their justification is: “I do this because I love you. I think this way because I worry about you or I don’t worry because I trust you. I need this, and it will only take a moment!” Look deeper. Answer these questions for yourself:  Does love feel like that for you? Does worrying make sense in that situation? Is this a moment you are willing to give or are you being imposed upon? Check within – is this working for me? If not, speak up, and share WHY it’s not. Feeling disappointed your partner is acting in a way you’ve talked about a hundred times? If it keeps repeating, the true feelings under the disappointment are not being addressed nor understood. Is it disrespect? Loneliness? Lack of connection? Something keeps getting stepped on. Defining HOW you value something is critical when you feel disappointed. What are you not ok with? Defining the boundaries, and determining what’s reasonable is a necessary, but often painful process to walk through. Rob & Kristen Bell in their new book “The Zim Zum of Love” provide a great perspective to hold during disappointing situations.  Your partner gives you another set of eyes. Be in a space of gratitude for your different perspectives, and ask ‘help me see what I’m not seeing’. I used to get frustrated, when my husband wouldn’t call me when he arrived at a destination during his business travels. It felt disrespectful because I cared about his safety. His logic was “unless you hear otherwise, just assume I’m fine! I forget or I was busy trying to get to a meeting etc.” I pushed back, and kept reminding him because I’d explained my WHY, and now had expectations, which led to facing disappointment. So after many years of asking, and reminding, I stopped so I no longer needed to feel disappointed or worry about his safety. I gave into what worked for him even though it didn’t work for …

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