Carolyn Hidalgo

The Way We Are Connected..an Italian Experience

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Do you ever hear this idea that the way we are connected is a part of ONE divine mysterious thread? At first I tried to grasp what it meant literally. It helped me to know that we are made up of energy categorized in 4 broad categories: emotional, mental, physical, and spiritual. This last type was the most intriguing. Who we are has a divine element that connects us. The other energies are the human ways we express ourselves in the material world – with our mind, body, and emotions. Why does this matter? How often have you met someone who happens to know someone you know? That freaky kind of connection that seems beyond chance…is it really just a small world? How can I instantly connect with a stranger in Tuscany – an ayurdevic consultant from Quebec (bottom left), meanwhile others I’ve known my whole life can feel like a total stranger?  Agriturismo Marciano, Siena What is it exactly between you, and your connections that either resonates or feels like a void? The Adventure Begins.. I flew to Rome to celebrate our 20th anniversary in late August. I read “whatever you do, don’t drive in Italy“…after I’d booked the rental car. My vision of driving through Tuscany to visit the little towns, and experience their spirit of food, wine, passion, charm, art, and people – suddenly felt like a bad idea. Have you ever felt your dreams being squelched by the worries and fears of others? The naysayers – learn to avoid them.  Although the one way streets, and roundabouts were a bit challenging – with a GPS, and a surprise upgrade from a Fiat 500 to an Audi A3 we zoomed around the Italian countryside how I envisioned. No tour bus was going to reach the places I wanted to see or give us the freedom to follow our own agenda. Paying Attention to the Magic.. Does your soul light up when you travel? When I’m outside my regular comfort zone, new ‘signs’ show up literally, and figuratively. 11’s have been one of my ‘signs’ since I was a little girl usually showing up as 11:11, but now in ways I least expect, yet magically perfect moments to remind me there’s a higher force at play. I expected gorgeous landscapes, breathtaking artwork, and grand cathedrals -I wasn’t disappointed. But it meant little without the respective stories to bring through a connection I could feel so we did the tours, and met with the people. The FOOD! When we arrived a bit late driving from Rome for a cooking class with owner Dania at La Chuisa (a Michelin Star Restaurant) in Montefollonico, we were invited to sit, and have a cappuccino. Relax, savour, enjoy…they are so good at this in Italy. Drinking coffee this way is so opposite to the caffeine rush it’s become in our busy lives. I picture this moment to remind myself to slow down. Dania was a former law student who followed her passion for cooking. How can you not be inspired to do what you love with that view? Spending a few hours with Dania teaching us traditional Tuscan cuisine was magical. There’s an ease, and joy in how she prepares food, and appreciates its freshness, and creation. After 40 years, it’s part of her essence. Making ricotta stuffed zucchini flowers, La Chuisa. After several courses of creating, and eating, we could barely move. We had to relax by her olive trees before heading out! Italy’s pizzas are my all time favourite, and wherever we went that was my pick!     You may be asking, how do I not gain weight? I do – a few lbs here and there, but my secret is maintaining a steady high vibration of genuine JOY. Toxic energy (stress) holds onto excess weight. When you are in the flow of all 4 energies working together in a healthy balance, you can let go of whatever you don’t want more easily because your energy is focused on what you want. We walked A LOT, and my regular fitness routine (a 7 minute App & pilates once a week) plus healthy eating for the most part built a foundation that allows me to indulge when the opportunity arises. I didn’t hold back! The ART Have you ever wondered why the statue of David attracts a million people annually worldwide? Some are willing to wait in the burning heat for hours for that feeling of total awe when they see David for the first time. He’s the biblical youth with a stone, and sling against a powerful giant he manages to conquer. Who doesn’t cheer for the innocent child? The perfect muscular bod standing casually before battle with no armour or sword ready to face his own possible death. Don’t we all want to go through life with that ease looking amazing despite what we face? The beauty carved in marble at this astounding level of artistry comes from a divine place few of us ever reach, but all of us are seeking in some form. These are the invisible threads that connect us.. I loved Siena thanks to our passionate guide Claudia. I booked her based on high ratings on Viator, and we ended up with a private tour : ) I’m a curious gal, and had tons of questions she could answer. We saw her later doing an afternoon tour with a group of 8…   As Claudia described the famous Palio de Siena (horse race), which had already taken place involving Siena’s 17 districts, I finally got a sense of where the Italian ‘undying passion, and rivalry’ comes from. Here’s what that day looks like: Piazza del Campo, Siena 10 districts compete. It’s apparently better not to win than lose to your rival (usually a neighbouring district). Allies have formed over the years. You are born into a district where you remain loyal your whole life. It weaves into every major life event – baptism, marriage, funeral.  Festivals, and holidays get celebrated with your district. The pride, and connection here is strong. Imagine centuries of love, devotion, battles, having to defend, and protect, built into your DNA, and social culture? We all want to belong – to a family, group of friends, church, community — it’s at a whole other level here; this sense of being part of a community flows across Italy. Passion, loyalty, rivalry..I can see …

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The Hidden Reason Why People Harm Others

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I always wondered.. why people harm others. I just read about Omar Mateen killing 49 & injuring 53 in the deadliest shooting in Orlando just after I finished reading this brave, and stunning letter by the victim, “Emily Doe” who remained anonymous in the Stanford rape case. Her impact statement she read in court to her assailant found guilty on all 3 charges went viral because it spoke so clearly to so much of what’s unspoken. I’ve been reading articles this past week trying to make sense of what we’re not seeing when this kind of violence continues to happen. How can we be the change? Have you wondered why people harm others? More importantly.. what do you believe is the source of unthinkable violence in our world? I have an idea… You’re familiar with it. I’ve experienced it after hearing this kind of devastating news along with shock, sadness, and anger. It was all around me, but for a long time I couldn’t see it. I’d grown up sheltered from it. It wasn’t until I was willing to speak my own truth not realizing that sometimes bumping heads with opposing views will rear a side of someone that may startle you. It also confused me. It exists regardless of culture, status, gender or education. It was in Omar Mateen saying inflammatory remarks about terrorists, and when he physically abused his wife. It created his rage against the gay community, and shame for being attracted to it. His father declared “God would punish homosexuals”. Religious beliefs can have it too. It was also in the polite, hardworking Stanford athlete, convicted of sexual assault raised in an affluent community with a devoted stay at home mom, and father who coached his sport’s team growing up. Maybe you call it something else. I call it entitlement. It says: “You deserve the nasty way I get to treat you because of what I believe.” It’s easy to spot entitlement in religious beliefs turned fundamental with doctrines being demanded not shared. With dictators where leadership is fueled with aggression, fear, and control. But when parents make their child the victim and give them the benefit of the doubt no matter what they’ve done – entitlement is hidden under the veil of ‘privilege’. Children raised to hear the word YES when NO was the appropriate response. There’s not only a failure to stop, and have a conversation around “My God, what have you done? This is NOT ok. Do you understand WHY that behaviour is not appropriate?” Entitlement is a blind spot that keeps itself protected. Omar Mateen was a known trouble-maker growing up in Florida. He was so violent, people joked he would become a terrorist. I’m sure many in the community thought “NO, this is not ok, but what can I do?” People had signs the same way a wife knows before she married her abusive husband. Entitlement is lurking behind the scenes when a system isn’t set up to say “no, this man cannot purchase an assault rifle” when the FBI had investigated him for terrorism. Entitlement runs rampant. We all know someone who doesn’t see it within themselves. Most of us don’t want conflict. We know when speaking up will result in defensiveness or a full-blown attack. Instead, we quietly look the other way or move out of the way. I’ve done it too. Risking harmony isn’t worth it sometimes. We pick our battles. But I’ve noticed the more I hear my own inner voice – the more I’m not willing not to say anything. When we don’t say anything, a deadly problem emerges for all of us. Entitlement gives people permission to judge another person with “I’m owed this! You deserve whatever crap I’m dishing out” while we stay in the fear of how others will judge us if we do speak up. It’s the parent yelling abusively at their child who doesn’t follow their rules, or isn’t playing a sport or an instrument well enough. You’re entitled to treat your child this way as their parent, and then wonder why your child talks back, keeps getting into trouble, and doesn’t respect you later? When teens attack their parents with rude remarks, sarcasm, and a bad attitude, and parents shrug it off as “that just how teenagers behave” – entitlement is being fostered. It’s the impatient or demanding remarks by a partner who’s had a rough day at work. Your bad day means I have to suffer? It’s what we allow, settle for, and accept in ourselves and others when we know deep down it isn’t OK. Entitled behaviour creates all kinds of conflict and unnecessary drama. At the extreme, it’s a sexual assault. It may be a mass shooting. Entitlement means someone becomes your victim. Speaking our truth when someone feels entitled is not easy. In our every day lives, we don’t have a situation where someone is found guilty standing before us in a courtroom to finally have an opportunity to speak up with validation from a jury. We may not have the inner strength or courage “Emily” developed through her painful ordeal, nor her resilience. Perhaps our outer support is lacking, and standing alone can be scary. The Way Entitlement Gets Fostered  Brock Turner, at 20 had no track record and a bright future, yet he chose to drag an intoxicated woman across the ground, remove her clothing, and sexually assault her. Who does that? A whole community around him who conditioned him, and continued to support it. The Many Influencers of Brock Turner, 20 years old: 1) His mother: Her plea letter to the judge for mercy screams one thing: VICTIM. It detailed all the pain and suffering her son, and their family experienced since the guilty verdict right down to their financial woes – she was unable to decorate her new home. After all, she needed to hire one of most expensive lawyers to create a new story filled with lies, and ensure her son’s clean record was saved. 2) His father: His plea letter to the judge screamed BLAME. He recommended his son teach about the dangers of alcohol, and promiscuity, and said …

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What Are You Not Saying?

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I often find myself in conversations saying “what you just shared with me (about a loved one), DID YOU TELL THEM?” Why are you not saying to them? There’s a pause, and then invariably…NO. It didn’t dawn on them to share that. THAT totally authentic feeling of hurt or bliss I just got to hear never got expressed with their loved one. My heart sinks knowing WHY these genuine expressions go silently under the radar in most relationships. I remember for years what I didn’t say in mine. We don’t speak what’s in our hearts with the ones who need to hear it most. Often we don’t know HOW given the way we’ve been relating our whole life, nor what’s MISSING when we don’t. What’s a Relationship Really? It’s a sacred space you co-create with someone else. It has expectations, and rules you’ve made up. It has a past that can strongly affect how you play in it now. There’s a sense of safety, and belonging we all want, but also a drive for adventure. We need this non-judgmental space to grow, and change with others. We have a tough time changing as it is – let alone with someone else. But this is the constant that nourishes our soul in relationships. It’s the strangest thing. We aim for world peace when we ought to strive for world authenticity. How do you feel? Are you happy? What are you afraid of? What do you want? Who are you stressed at? What’s really hurting you? What’s just not working? What are you NOT saying? How much of this gets shared in your conversations? Harmony rules over authenticity in most relationships. Let’s face it – we don’t enjoy conflict, disappointment, or frustration. Most of us avoid it like the plague. It’s more interesting watching other people’s drama in the media than deal with our own. Life can be a constant swirl of busyness, and activities. It’s challenging enough dealing with the existing frustrations. Who has time or energy to dig into all that stuff? It might rock the boat. Harmony is easier. But the bigger culprit I’ve noticed of why our authentic words don’t get expressed? “They wouldn’t get me.” If you’ve ever felt like the ones you love don’t get you, but someone else does – I’d like to suggest something. What if it’s the other way around? Could it be that you don’t fully get them because of what you’ve NOT said? Have you given someone the opportunity to show up fully because you’ve shared what’s really in your heart? If you’ve given up trying to express what you want because “they wouldn’t get it” – how they really feel gets concealed. This is the dance of getting to the edge of BEING YOU with someone else. How speaking up ‘heartwise’ affected my relationships.. I initially emailed what was too hard to say to my husband over a decade ago: “When you’re away, I don’t miss you anymore.” He travelled a lot for work.  It was my dreaded “tell-tale” sign that I was ready to break-up with a past boyfriend, and he knew it. But that’s exactly how I felt.  We had 3 toddlers at the time. I wrote further, “I don’t want to not miss you, so we need to address when you get home.” It’s been baby steps of a growing practice of saying what’s hard to say ever since. Being this real over the years has come close to breaking us apart. EVERYTHING gets put on the table when I’m forced to deal with who he is, and he with who I am. I had to risk playing at the edge for our relationship to flourish or naturally come apart. Life is too short to settle by me not showing up. I learned the hard way that trusted friends could betray me. The moment I was willing to share what I’d held off saying…I got the rude awakening. I allowed someone to disappoint me because I betrayed my own inner voice. If any of my 3 teens are driving me nuts, it’s ME that doesn’t get them. When I put my reaction on the back burner, and share what I normally wouldn’t say, (“this is what hurts me”, or “I’m sorry for over-reacting – here’s what I wanted to say”).  That’s when they show me who they are. They are innocent, and needing my inner truth to help them speak their own. There’s a mutual respect that grows here for whatever shows up surpassing any need for punishment or even consequences. It’s empowering from a different guide: their own well-being. These days… If I’m taken aback by someone’s behaviour it’s because what aligns within me is not being met.  Their reaction is out of my control. It’s me that doesn’t know them because I’m the one surprised. If it’s someone I love, my responsibility is to tell them what’s not ok with me for OUR relationship, while being curious about where they are coming from. You will offend some people by speaking from the heart, but now it’s real. Their reaction will be either an apology, resistance or piss off. It gives you everything you need to decide. You will connect at levels you can’t imagine when you are this real – the best, and worst of who you are becoming has space to thrive. You can look back at any difficult relationship, and notice the spots where something felt ‘off’. It’s where you stayed silent instead of speaking from your soul. If you are holding resentment against someone, send them a silent thank you – their contrast allowed you to align more deeply with who you really are. How long will you wait to share your true feelings? Will it be until… The day your spouse says “I’m not sure if I love you” or the day you are wondering the same thing. You finally discover your beloved friend is not the person you thought she was. Your child has been hiding something you assumed they’d tell you. A sibling or family member has been silently blaming you for years. A colleague stabs you in the back. The more you start noticing what you’re not saying, the faster you can create real connections that last, and remove or distance yourself from the ones that drain you. Unless you speak what’s in your heart (even if it may sadden, anger, disappoint, or hurt someone) you will not be able to see someone for who they really are. Where You Want to Play A sacred space opens in your relationships when you practice saying what you used to …

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How Do You Encourage Change?

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We know it’s difficult to encourage change and changing other people is not only impossible, it’s not how you want to show up.  Who wants to hang out with someone who’s trying to change you? Yet, we can all admit to ways we notice where change is desperately needed, and frankly how do you just sit back & watch as people suffer unnecessarily when you can see what would be helpful? A wise coach once told me.. You don’t really help anyone as a coach. I don’t? No. Everyone chooses whether to listen, follow, and decide what works for them. As a coach, you empower people to embrace and encourage change from the inside out. Helping isn’t transformational. Change comes from within. But aren’t there ways to encourage change that is positive in people? And how do you do it without offending or alienating someone? What Lincoln Did to Encourage Change On a family vacation last week – something got my attention. We were visiting Washington D.C., and the story of Lincoln’s ability to abolish slavery happened in a swift 3 year period despite little support, and a widespread highly racist  consciousness. Did you know that between 1525 and 1866, according to the Trans-Atlantic Slave Trade Database, 12.5 million African slaves were shipped to the New World with only 10.7 percent surviving the journey? Of those, only ~450,000 or 4% ended up in the U.S. Brazil received 4.86 million or 45% of these African slaves! Mass prejudice existed worldwide where an entire continent of people were regarded as ‘less than human’. People bought, and sold like goods. How did that epic amendment get ratified to begin shifting this global ignorance for the better? The story goes that Lincoln felt the hypocrisy of a constitution that stood for the “blessings of liberty”, but watched uneasily as blacks were sold into slavery. What if he could free slaves by creating an ulterior motive people could get behind like winning the civil war. If blacks could enlist in the Union army, it would be a ‘war measure’. He proposed the emancipation proclamation in the summer of 1862 to his cabinet that changed any ‘enslaved person’ from the status of ‘slave’ to ‘free’, but only in the Rebellious states. You can’t antagonize everyone, even with the right vision. Baby Steps. His own cabinet wasn’t behind him suggesting he wait until a key battle was won so his proclamation didn’t look like a desperate measure, or one that couldn’t be enforced. Be Patient. Lincoln waited. By September 1862 with a key battle won, he issued the proclamation first as a warning. Be Committed. With no sign of surrender, it became official on January 1st, 1863.  Approximately 179,000 slaves  joined to help keep the country together. A moral element was now integrated in the war effort. Freedom. What do you imagine happens when you put opposing people together to fight for a single cause? Shift Attitudes. Though Lincoln was morally opposed to slavery, he couldn’t see giving blacks equal rights, and didn’t fight to abolish slavery initially. On closer examination, his ideal confronted an opposing stark reality. Blacks were not regarded as equal human beings. For whites, and blacks to live together in peace, and on equal footing at that time was unimaginable. The only viable solution seemed to be colonization or sending slaves back to their own country. To this day, some still condemn Lincoln as a racist. You can’t please everyone. The idea of freedom for ALL was now stirring in the minds of more people, and Lincoln’s ideal gathered momentum when he was re-elected for a second term. Having a higher vision can change you in the process to make the impossible possible. By 1864, Lincoln seemed to realize that amending the constitution was the only way to avoid returning blacks to slavery after they’d given their life to the cause. He proposed the 13th Amendment effectively abolishing slavery for the 4,000,000 enslaved living across the country. It didn’t go through. Stay committed to your dream. He was re-elected for a second term in 1864, and the amendment eventually passed with seven votes above the necessary two-thirds majority, and this famous Amendment came into effect December 1865. What was once acceptable became unacceptable. I believe it helped influence Brazil to follow its lead when it became the last country in the Western World to abolish slavery in May 1888 for its 4,000,000 slaves. Lincoln was quoted as saying on the signing of the Amendment, “If my name ever goes into history it will be for this act, and my whole soul is in it.” Speak to enough people’s souls. Last week as I caught glimpses of the American election, I wondered where people’s souls were today. With Candidate Trump’s growing popularity in the polls – opting for a wall to be paid for by Mexico no less? Banning all Muslims? Blaming other countries for poor trade deals? It felt like the world was going backwards. As a neighbouring Canadian, frankly it’s scary because the “fear side” is still such a strong force today. As our prime minister Justin Trudeau shared a few months ago fear does not make us safer, it makes us weaker…painting a group with a broad brush is not just ignorant, it’s irresponsible. Is being a billionaire, and a celebrity so blinding? Since when did the controlling, and condemning stances on every issue become acceptable? Isn’t this how a certain Chancellor rose to power? Playing into vindication, blame, and prejudice? It’s a dangerous combination – $$ from a “conquer at any cost” combined with political power to make laws other people must follow. Led by someone who has to keep reminding everyone I’m a nice guy… in case you forgot. It reminded me of the way some private equity companies go into fledging businesses.  Bulldoze. Toss. Win-lose.  Behaviour where $$ is the only bottom line driver, and people are thrown. It’s an attitude I saw firsthand as I watched one past …

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Funerals Better Than Weddings ??

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Last Saturday, I attended a funeral of an elderly relative where the reverend announced that she thinks funerals better than weddings because  “people are more real.” Ironically the weekend before, I was at a wedding. Years go by now where I attend neither one. It made me stop, and reflect. There was more authenticity at this funeral than the wedding, but difficult to compare apples to oranges in terms of preference when one is generally happy for good reason while the other sad for good reason. Funerals better than weddings? A funeral has the gift of hindsight that exposes a life filled with precious relationships of those now deeply missing you while a wedding can only hold the promise of such a relationship. Will you be missed? It was one of the ‘tell-tale’ signs in my dating days to signal  a relationship was over. I no longer felt that sense of “missing someone” during their absence. We had either grown apart or were too incompatible, and it was time to move on. After hearing many heartfelt tributes in voices strained with emotion, and at times overflowing tears unable to be contained, I knew that my aunt was loved dearly, and will be missed by many, especially by her husband, and first love of over 50 years. My uncle described to me how she seemed to know it was her time after battling a rare form of stomach cancer the past few months. I’d visited her in hospital on Christmas day, and though in pain, was still in good spirits with a smile. In her final days, she no longer needed pain medication, was at home, and had passed peacefully holding her beloved’s hand. “How do you want to be remembered at your funeral?” the reverend asked. I’d heard a similar question many times throughout the world of coaching: “What is the legacy you want to leave?” The wedding had been for the President of the company my husband currently works for. It was beautiful, fun, lovely. The pastor at the ceremony said “we must pray for this couple’s happiness as they need all the help they can get. Marriages are hard.” We all laughed uncomfortably knowing the statistics, and our own experiences with long lasting happy marriages, yet still holding onto the hope for the love we witnessed that day. I’d met this elderly aunt (my mom’s cousin) for the first time 14 years ago. She’d arrived to help bring my newborn twin girls to their early doctor’s appointments with my nearly 2 year old son. I didn’t like to ask for help, but I was so exhausted from sheer lack of sleep let alone getting myself, and 3 little human beings to an appointment on time. My mom suggested I reach out to my aunt  – she was retired, lived nearby, and loved seeing children play, and smile. She’d later arrive with the most delicious chiffon cakes that my kids would devour. I’d send Xmas cards, and visit occasionally. Turns out her cakes were famous among many, not just my children! What creates lasting connection? I barely knew this aunt, yet always felt a closeness from how she gave so selflessly when I was desperate. All you want is for her to be happy. There always seemed to be many friends, and family around her. This part of us that’s real where we feel better as a result of having known someone. A funeral reveals that kind of success. It was described in a poem I’d collected in my teen journal not understanding what authenticity in our connections really meant until I began experiencing glimpses myself:   Everything else, your worldly possessions, education & career success, or reaching the top monetarily – what we work so hard to achieve holds a different value of “successful doing” that can’t compare to experiencing life through the relationships you create of “successful being”. Getting things accomplished is important, but what’s more valuable is how you are being as that determines whether you will be missed at all.  It reminds me of Apple founder, Steve Jobs in a previous blog where I noticed the backlash about his character after his passing. Yes he will be remembered for what he did, but it’s his character that lives at the real level, and remains with us. We want to be remembered for who we are, which becomes the foundation for what we do. These need to align to be truly successful. We’ve all met people where “what you do speaks so loudly I cannot hear what you are saying.” No matter what you’ve accomplished, it gets diminished if who you are isn’t respected, and cherished. I try to remember this when my kids walk into the room excited to tell me something, and I’m in the middle of working. Am I being present or annoyed? I’m mindful of the last time I spent with a friend laughing, and crying while getting the finances & laundry done. I realize that I had to endure a few false friendships to appreciate the beauty of what I value about someone’s character, and who I don’t want to be. When did I last appreciate my husband for his hard work as the main provider financially for our family that allows me to do what I love so I can give the best of me, and leave the world a little better? Am I earning the affection of my youngest nieces & nephews, and respect of my own children with our time spent together? What am I giving? Who am I helping? How am I making a difference? Who, and what will be missed about you at your funeral? Being mindful in your daily life of how you want to be remembered will ensure that when your time arrives, you will be loved, and missed not only for what you did, but for who you are. I believe that’s real success worth striving for.

Standing in Your Truth Without Condemning

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Last weekend I was having a conversation with my husband (Ok it was a heated discussion) on our 4 hour drive back from a wedding (in Ohio) about standing in your truth even when it may have a detrimental effect. How do you best share your position in the face of someone else’s controlling or condemning behaviour? Is it worth triggering someone’s ego while standing your truth? I was telling my husband how impressed I was after watching a clip a while back of our prime minister, Justin Trudeau, and how he handled a question posed by someone from my hometown, Oakville (no coincidences)! She asked: “Will you stand up to Donald Trump, and condemn his hateful rhetoric? What would you say about his politics?” What’s interesting is the assumption that in order to stand up for something you disagree with, you need to condemn. Not true. My husband works in the corporate automotive world, and there can be a lot of egos to manage so there’s a tendency to avoid as opposed to speak up. I realize sometimes things are better left unsaid, but sometimes it is not. Justin displayed how you can stand up to a behaviour he strongly disagrees with without condemning Donald. Instead he simply stated his own position clearly while holding an intention to maintain positive relations. It was marvellous, especially his final lines on fear, and diversity – the ignorance, and irresponsibility of it! And so rare in a world where power tends to attract controlling, and condemning behaviour fuelled by fear. It’s so easy it seems to blast someone for a behaviour you don’t like. Harder to be in non-judgment, and compassion. I’ve run into a few characters in the self-development world operating their businesses in a competitive, controlling manner that has also been divisive. The impact has been destructive to those around them. I’ve had to speak up on a number of occasions – sometimes it has ended some connections. What becomes clear is how this process helps you see yourself more clearly. I know exactly what I stand for, and it gives me the courage to keep speaking up for what’s right in my own life, live true to myself, and what I value. I want others to do that more in their lives for what’s right for them. It’s also opened the space to attract more like-minded people – when one misaligned door closes, another one opens with more aligned energy : ) It’s not simply about moving on to better, and brighter possibilities, its about stepping further into your own truth, and light. My husband had read an article on this interview, and argued that Justin would be better not to have shared his negative opinion in case Donald wins! Why share that now when the election outcome is not known? That Canada may now suffer as a result. I could understand where he was coming from knowing what he deals with at work. But there’s a fine line between speaking up, and remaining silent on the things that matter. From how you can be authentic, without judging (condemning someone) when you’re put in a situation that calls you forth to speak your position. In particular, when you are in a leadership or influential position (including parents for their children, teachers for their students, friends for their friends ), it is imperative (in my opinion) that you speak up. Not only for what’s right, but for those who look to you for guidance to place their trust. In the end, you can move forward… In the end, you can move forward more strongly than ever because you’ll gain the trust of others by speaking up.  At first, it may feel like you are alone because few are willing to speak up when there is a conflict. What I’ve learned is the more you speak up, the more you will discover others speaking up in their own life too! It’s like you’re giving other people permission to follow what their inner voice is telling them when before it was just easier to avoid, and make peace. I was really good at not listening to my inner voice for a very long time, and it wasn’t until I started speaking up that I began to hear it louder. My husband and I agreed to disagree. Until we got home, and I showed him the clip because his conclusion still baffled me, and perhaps the article he’d read was slanted one way? I was curious. And to be honest, disappointed. A little disappointment can go a long way! The majority of what I see in the little I read in the media has a slant to arouse fear, point out someone’s faults, or stir up trouble, which is why I limit its energy coming into my own thinking, and prefer to hear what I choose is relevant to my life. Like this clip that popped up because I was curious what Justin had to say on this topic, and googled it. After watching – see below, my husband says “oh, he didn’t really say anything against Donald…that was ok to say.” Hmmmm…slanted article he’d read. It wasn’t about who was right or wrong, but do we even hold a similar vision? Does he understand why I was so inspired? Thankfully, yes, and the whole discussion ended up bringing us  closer. These kinds of heated debates when we’re both willing to listen, and not attack each other despite being on opposite ends brings that gift of growing together. To speak your difficult truth: 1) Acknowledge what you value. What is important for you to maintain? 2) Listen to someone else’s truth from curious place to make sure you understand how it could be their truth from where they are coming from even if you disagree. 3) State clearly what you stand up for, and bring in examples of where this has been the case to illustrate your consistent position. 4) Consider if your truth is something the other person would be able to receive without them becoming destructive/attacking towards you.  Have the courage to share a lesser difficult truth, and …

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The Foundation of Love

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I wrote an article a while back called “The Foundation of Love” – Releasing Judgments and Expectations for Tinybuddha.com when I first learned the destructive impact of judgment in our personal relationships. I still hear from readers where this message of living judgment-free continues to resonate. I believe it’s the secret sauce to experiencing unconditional love when no one gets attacked for being wrong with someone else’s conditions of  their ‘right’ way. It transformed the way I could connect authentically with the people in my life. There was more freedom to be who I am, and an opportunity to see others as they truly are. I’ve become more clear about the foundation of this elusive thing we call love, and wanted to share some deeper insights. This straight talk by relationship expert Esther Perel offers some profound insights into why it’s so difficult to hold onto the passion in our partner connection  – sexual intimacy, excitement, and joy over time. She distinguishes between what we desire versus what we need – where do they intersect? Stability or Adventure? Can you have both? The space to grow spiritually in your own skin is so important. THE SECRET TO DESIRE IN A LONG-TERM RELATIONSHIP Although she’s referring to a partner relationship, I believe you can apply these ideas to any long-term relationship. How is your parent-child connection? What about with co-workers or friends?  What keeps it together? Both stability, and aliveness are necessary. There’s a misconception about what we think loving unconditionally means, while seeking these 2 fundamentals in our relationships: what we need, and what we want. The general belief goes: “no matter what anyone does, or how they treat us, we’re supposed to love them anyway.” Not exactly. Are you ok if someone attacks you? Are you supposed to be tolerant, or worse complacent? What if someone’s attitude is annoying or their complaining sucks the energy out of you?  Criticizing or judging them for showing up badly will backfire on you. You become someone who is now attacking with your own justification. We’ll all entitled to our own negative opinion, or conclusion about any behaviour. We can disengage from it’s toxic energy, but allowing its energy to set yourself up against another person will come back to poison you. People won’t trust you fully, and won’t show up authentically. You’ve shown them that it’s not safe in your energetic space when you openly criticize, and judge other people. Masks will be worn. You won’t know who’s trying to please you, or avoid you. When you reach an acceptance of who you are with your perceived faults, and mistakes, and still love yourself without self-criticism or self-judgment – you develop an enormous capacity to create a safe space with others. You don’t have to like everything about yourself to love yourself, but being self-destructive with blame, guilt, or shame will block love from flowing. This prayer has been the wisdom for this vision of living judgment-free: Serenity Prayer God grant me the serenity To accept the things I cannot change, The courage to change the things I can, And the wisdom to know the difference. Conditional love says ‘follow my way’ or I’ll stop loving you. You stop bringing love to someone by the way you treat them. Maybe its a snide remark, or deep-seated resentment, indifference, even hate. It’s conditional when criticism, and judgment are part of your relationship on either side. I need you to do it this way (criticism) or I need you to be this way (judgment) in order for me to treat you to my love. I still get asked “what are your 4 C’s again”? It’s been a huge challenge to describe in words what can only be understood in practice! The 4 C’s describe the kind of energy you hold when you criticize or judge that blocks love with your conditions of making someone ‘right or wrong’. These are Correcting and Convincing for criticism, and Controlling and Condemning for judgment. It becomes a divisive space between you, and someone else instead of a unifying one.  Judgmental energy creates blind spots, especially with those closest to us because we want them to see, and experience the world the way we do. Criticism, and judgment tends to be lumped together as the same concept, and I had difficult clearly distinguishing them. With both criticism, and judgment, you are trying to change someone to behave your ‘right way’ of how you think they should behave, what they should do. We criticize. I Correct my daughter’s behaviour as if she’s broken needing me to ‘fix her’ by pointing out what she’s doing wrong instead of showing her how to do it right. I try to Convince my husband that he should eat healthier providing all kinds of information with an imposing energy that makes him feel wrong for however he’s eating. The immediate reaction will be defensiveness because no one likes being told what to do that runs against what they are currently doing. Unless they’ve asked for your guidance or the space of trust, and non-judgment is present to share your suggestions it’s unwanted advice. They simply may not be open, ready or in a place to understand. We judge. I get controlling with the way I need something done where I’m now yelling, and forcing my child to follow my ‘orders’. It becomes a tug of war. I condemn a false friend who’s acted in ways that are completely unacceptable to me for how I would treat anyone – let alone a friend. There’s resentful energy in me that’s judgmental I need to release. I can justify the way I feel to stand up for my values, but the contrast is also necessary to give me a stronger picture of who I am, and who I am not. To be in serenity is to accept that I cannot change someone who is choosing to behave in ways I don’t like. That’s a choice they make, and allowing them to choose gives me a new found freedom. I get to choose not to receive their negative gifts by how I show up. Self-criticism will lead to feelings of guilt (doing wrong). Self-judgment will lead to feelings of shame (being wrong). Your ‘inner critic’ is not your discerning voice, neither is your ‘inner judge’. These come from your ego that lives from fear. Your objective mind, and soul jointly discern what’s ‘right, and wrong’ for you from …

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Are You Creating Your Best Ever Authentic Year?

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I recently held a workshop to share an approach of aligning authentically that has helped me consistently create an even more fulfilling year than the one before. Here are the highlights. One of the most influential books I read years ago, and still actively practice is balancing my 4 energies from the bestseller: The Power of Full Engagement. It’s program continues to reach thousands in the business world through the Human Performance Institute where you can complete your own FREE energy profile. The gist: managing your energy is more important than managing your time to be fully engaged in life. The goal is to reach your maximum energy potential to become: • mentally focused • emotionally connected • physically energized and spiritually aligned. Just as you must stretch past your existing limits to physically grow your muscles, so must you move past your comfort zone to develop your strength in these equally critical areas. Most of us tend to focus primarily on our weight, and fitness level for our outer strength, and physical health, but its our inner strength that fuels lasting change, and a true healthy balance. How valuable is being physically energized if you’re emotionally stressed? What if your home is totally organized for mental focus, but spiritually you have no sense of purpose, meaning or deep connection in your relationships? It requires consistent rituals tied to your authentic values. Take risks, be vulnerable, and notice how strong you didn’t realize you could become. I believe our spiritual energy is the main driver for the other 3 energies. It’s at the centre leading the way, and the core of who you are that allows you to align authentically on all 4 levels. Your soul manages your emotional, mental, and physical energy.  Your character, and sense of purpose define your soul. Who are you? What matters to you? How do you treat others? Do you believe in a friendly, abundant Universe or one that is competitive where there is not enough? One journey finds its way joyfully with inner strength, the other with fear, and requiring outer strength. There’s a balance where you can have both, but in the extremes you will lose your way. It’s how you believe spiritually that matters. I’ve been watching Oprah’s latest documentary series called Belief. Seeing the vastly different ways millions of people believe about who we are, why we’re here, our universal quest for happiness, purpose, and navigating our struggles reminded me of how influenced we are simply by where you happened to be born. It’s like your entire belief system is downloaded ahead of time, and that becomes your reality. Until you start questioning it all. Your life, and how you experience it rests on this one vital idea: how do you apply what you believe? If you want to create your own life, open your eyes to the infinite of what you believe is possible, and suddenly all the rules, and expectations begin to fall away. DREAM BIG. All the ‘shoulds’ the media feeds, and those around you imposing what you need, and should want that don’t belong to you becomes more apparent as you tap into trusting what you believe is true for you, and following your heart. Do not forget that NO OTHER SOUL walks in the shoes you wear. Trust your inner voice. Anyone thinking how you should live is coming from their own perception of reality, not yours. Your “inspirition, and imagination” comes from developing your soul.  Your soul is your ‘mid-mind’ that is midway between the material, and spiritual that your personality accesses throughout your lifetime. Your personality is your unique gift, bestowed at birth, and is separate from your soul. Getting into your peace allows you to tap into your soul, and discover what your heart most values. There’s a being driving all the doing that creates a rhythm to move you forward almost effortlessly. Signs, and synchronicities start showing up giving you evidence you are aligning spiritually. One of my signs is seeing 11:11, and many versions of it. Birds have been another sign. They appear in ways that still astound me, but no longer surprise me. It’s like the Universe is winking at me, and whispering “there is so much more here than your physical eyes can see.” The movie “I Origins” shows a remarkably similar journey I experienced when I began seeing 11:11..I ended up with both validation, and more questions leading me in the direction I’m being called to go. 6 Steps to Completing Your Best Year Ever: 1. Complete the left side of this fun worksheet to review last year from Moritz Fine Designs. She creates printables that are simple, and effective. I did this exercise with my family over the holidays – my 3 teens loved sharing the answers to these questions – memorable, and valuable! 2. Find out where you are right NOW in all your life areas by completing your wheel of life. How satisfied are you in these areas out of 10? Discover your areas of focus for 2016. 3. Get super inspired by watching this video by Robin Sharma. It’s my absolute favourite to create your one page plan. 4. In 2010, I met the authors of the NY Times Bestseller: The Passion Test at their conference in San Diego. I learned how to formulate, and live my top 5 passions:“When my life is ideal I am….”. After each one write “this or something better” to create a clear intention. Writing is powerful. Don’t underestimate it. What lights you up? What matters most? Here’s one of mine…”I am experiencing spiritual relationships that are inspiring, connected, and wildly fulfilling” that ties into my value of spiritual growth. It creates miracles when you let your passions lead your life. 5. Be prepared to tap into your soul’s true potential by watching brain scientist Jill Bolte Taylor‘s experience of having a stroke especially if you tend to look through a more scientific lens. For an equally powerful, more artistic perspective, watch Elizabeth Gilbert‘s brilliant talk on Your Elusive Creative Genius. 6. Return to the worksheet in step 1, and complete the right side to create your best 2016. ENJOY co-creating your magnificent year..

What are Synchronicities?

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Are you wondering what synchronicities are? Let me explain… Last Friday evening my husband asked “do you want to watch an episode of Anthony Bourdin’s Parts Unknown about Iran?” Sure, I was curious, and besides it was a show he loved: great food ideas and exploring new places. Here’s ” the episode ” (40 minutes). Whatever ideas you had about Iran, I suspect they may change after watching this. I’m very aware of how our media is slanted towards its own agenda, playing heavily on our fears, but I had no idea how much of a picture has been painted of a people I knew relatively NOTHING about. What I couldn’t see was the total complexity here, extremes of joy, and beauty, mixed with sadness, and control. Their culture, traditions, and history they’ve had to face. I look at what we deal with in our own country, and that old cliche hits home. We are so much more similar than different facing our own struggles, and craziness. During the episode, Anthony spoke candidly with American Washington Post Correspondent, Jason Rezaian, and his wife about living in Iran the past 5 years. During filming of the episode, Jason was arrested, and by time it aired, he was still a prisoner after 10 weeks. My heart sank. I was so compelled to find out what happened to him, I quickly googled him, desperate to know if he’d been released. I found myself staring at a photo of him in this article beside Jeff Bezos (founder of Amazon.com & owner of Washington Post), whose private jet he’d just flown home in. The article was published THE EXACT SAME DAY I’d watched the episode! Jason had been in prison for a year and a half. It felt like a miracle seeing his relieved grin. I’m often asked ‘what is a synchronicity’? For me, when I’m tapped into something meaningful that captures my attention. I’ll often see 11:11 pop up somewhere or a version of “11” like 3:11, seeing exit 111 on the highway, or this week having snapshot of our Charity Gala appearing on page 11 in our local newspaper. I started seeing 11:11 as a child; I suspect it was around the same time I had fallen at age 6 about 20 feet over a cliff on a bicycle, and lay unconscious beside a tree that happened to be growing from the side. It saved me dropping another 40 feet to rocks below. Soon after watching this tv episode, I glanced over to see 11:11 on the clock. I have NEVER seen it if I’m ever trying to look for it. It’s a sign for me that ‘this is not your only reality’ – this physical world that you see. There’s something bigger going on. A force that exists wanting me to pay attention because I’m noticing it at all. A synchronicity I can’t ignore. It’s asking me to slow down, and ask myself what’s real, and what’s an illusion? Who is the real enemy? Ourselves – when we do not choose to open our eyes. Where we don’t know where we’re completely blinded. When we simply fail to see the bigger picture. Having just written about being willing to see “both sides now” in my last post…I know I’m being shown just how true that is. How anything negative I’d heard or seen in the media about Iran or read about had given me a very limiting picture of how I assumed it must be living there. I had noticed how friendly, and genuinely happy anyone I’d met from Iran seemed to be. I assumed it was because they left their country! Mostly recently, it was my new dentist. She was fun, kind, and laughed a lot.  I certainly have a deeper respect for their culture, traditions, and history that makes them who they are. Yes, there are some completely insane things that go on, arrests without a fair trial, control over certain behaviours that don’t make sense, punishment that seems completely unreasonable (putting it mildly) – ways that I hope will eventually change for the better, which applies to our side of the world too. I see the Iranian people in their own country with wider eyes now. I hope you will too.

How Curiosity Ends Judgment & Opens Creativity

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The first I’d ever heard anything about Steve Jobs, (founder of Apple Inc) was during his 2005  Stanford Commencement Speech. I found him to be wise, and intuitive. I was curious about the strong backlash about his character after he passed away. His message “love what you do, and don’t settle…for all matters of the heart you’ll know when you find it.” He told graduates “don’t waste your limited time living someone else’s life, don’t be trapped by dogma. And, by living with the results of other people’s thinking. Instead, have the courage to follow your heart, and intuition. They somehow already know who you truly want to become.” When Steve lost his fight with cancer in 2011 at age 56, this speech began to circulate everywhere. Along with his pre-dominantly difficult, sometimes horrible treatment of people were also being discussed. They said, “you have to be an egomaniac control nut to be a successful visionary”. What stood out for me was how he gave himself permission to trust, and follow his own creative genius to make an impact. It’s not so easy in a world where we seek control, and stability. For creativity to be successful, it seems to need both qualities – imagination, and control. But becoming the kind of character to get both right seems to be hit, and miss. Having come from an accounting background, I’d run across my fair share of outright mean behaviour among the business world. Those with huge visions, and talent, when given a position of power, can sometimes use it in an abusive, and controlling ways. It’s as if  being a decent human being gets thrown by the wayside, and somehow justified in the name of results. This tendency for aggression, and a lack of human connection would continue to astound me. Especially among some leaders in the coaching world, not to mention the political dictators. How could the same individual who was intelligent, hard working with a strong sense of passion to help people, and make a difference not get when they were being a complete jerk? It seemed that success, and power could also breed blindness the same way ‘falling in love” does. I wondered what was true, and wasn’t about Steve’s character.  What was underneath driving him to treat others so badly? Steve Jobs Biography I recently watched the 2015 film Steve Jobs starring Michael Fassbender, and Kate Winslet. It introduced new aspects of his life I hadn’t known. I could understand how, for example, his adoption may have affected his poor behaviour (not as an excuse), but as a driver. Not being wanted at birth can do a lot of messing with your mind. I wondered how someone whose parents worked hard to afford him going to college could deny his own daughter basic needs to live comfortably when you could so easily give. There’s no doubt, Steve’s behaviour towards his first daughter’s early years was neglectful, irresponsible, and uncaring. And his relationship with his former girlfriend who rightfully demanded financial support seems much more complex than meets the eye. I’d experienced firsthand how the ego can influence someone’s mind as they rise to success. And, they transform into someone you no longer recognize, and sometimes have to walk away from. Was this Steve? It’s so easy to judge, and say “what a jerk”, but when you see both sides of the coin – all that’s left is to give space so people can hopefully learn from their own painful lessons. Steve eventually forged a relationship with his daughter paying her Harvard tuition, and she was at his bedside when he passed away. I was left from the movie with a deeper understanding of this man’s inner motivations, and character. There’s a scene where Steve’s young daughter is listening to the song “Both Sides Now” – I’d listened to it many times as a teen on my portable cassette Sony walkman trying to figure out what the lyrics meant. The whole song felt a bit pessimistic back then having grown up in a positive environment that valued education highly, and where “one right answer” seemed to rule. I had written out the lyrics in a small journal of favourite songs. Today, the song’s wisdom is clear. How we see things one way, and then experience an opposite way while trying to make sense of it all only to arrive at the last line: “I really don’t know life at all.” This is where curiosity leaves us…asking more questions. Both sides are real, so how will you respond? With judgment, or curiosity? How Being Curious Gives You More Perspectives This becomes our journey of life that makes it forever interesting. Being willing to see more than one side, and not imposing our “right way” onto other people or getting trapped in our own box. We still get to choose which way works for us, and what doesn’t. One thing I know for sure: love, connection, and real success are yours to experience. And, it happens when you allow your perception to see through your spiritual eyes of curiosity. But not from the ego’s need to control that can lead to ill treatment of others. Your own creative genius has space to explore in that glorious sense of wonder where there’s no judgment. Are you willing to see ‘both sides now’?