Carolyn Hidalgo

Spent 4 days gathering insights from women inspirational leaders at the Women’s International Summit – it’s a different kind of conference you may be used to..it included complimentary toe readings. I know what you may be thinking…but keep an open mind! The spirit of humanity was infused everywhere, and a desire to give, grow, and effect change hovered in the air. These particular women ignited that spark in each of us for however you desire to show up in this world with your definition of love, success, and happiness. It often gets buried under laundry, family, job, and our never-ending “to-do list’. Sherri Salata (past OWN co-president) recommended a “to-be list” in a process she calls “The Reckoning”. How do you want to BE now in the landscape of family friends, adventure discovery, meaning success, creativity innovation, spirituality happiness, health fitness, romance sex? She spoke about ‘re-visioning’ your life at any age to continue to DREAM BIG. Can you look back and see pivotal times in your life where you took a turn in a new direction? That’s a revision, and you can create it even if you’ve had the most wild success already – you’re not done! Every speaker shared personal wisdom that moves your soul  – words that cut through when you are present in the room with their soul. Here’s my attempt to summarize their collective wisdom: 1. Melissa Harris-Perry ‘Self-care’ is over-rated.  We need ‘squad care’. There are those so broken in survival mode that the spa or a relaxing bubble bath -even exercise aren’t options. Imaginary characters in books & leaders are part of your squad! *Take away: Surround yourself by a tribe of people who champion, support, energize, and believe in you. Reach out to those who need you, and if you’re in need – find organizations in your community. 2.  Elizabeth Gilbert When Elizabeth, one of the many women international leaders was a struggling writer, her idol (who she admitted to stalking at parties) finally turned to ask her: “What are you willing to give up to have the life you want to keep pretending you care about?” Whew! You could feel a silent gasp fill the room as we heard our own excuses rise to the surface. *Take Away: I have to say NO – even to the things I care about to make room for my highest of priorities. I may disappoint or piss people off. Get rid of distractions – all of them – you know which ones. Decide who & what matters. Edit the rest. Sometimes a diagnosis will tell you. Say “I respectively do not care.” Liz was looking for something revolutionary in women beyond the ‘powerful, strong, badass, confident’ ones we all know. She found it in learning to be RELAXED no matter WHAT insanity is taking place in our lives. Too many are walking with our minds WORRIED moving at a BUSY pace to a point of deteriorating health, little sleep, and addictions into food, shopping, medication etc.  She practices the phrase “It’s all going to be all right”. It’s not “relaxed’ in the form of a hot stone massage, but more like ‘befriending’ the inevitable mess. There’s a clarity, and simplicity when you find this place of ‘relaxed’ within you.  Even when facing your own death, which is the one thing we know for sure, and have no control over. There’s no regrets when you find this ‘relaxed’ alignment, which requires a mystical faith in something bigger than yourself. 3. Marianne Williamson I’ve been learning from Marianne’s work for many years. Her classic book “A Return to Love” I finished at a Disney resort in the early morning sunlight before our vacationing families were awake. It was 2009, and I felt a higher consciousness rise up in me after turning the final page. It was also the same year I certified as a life coach – a career change leap of faith (revision!) for me from accounting. Many of you know I used to see “11’s” as a child (typically as 11:11), but also 2009 is really “11” (2 + 9).  Once that inner consciousness began to rise, I started seeing 11:11 ALL the time. It’s a sign with profound meaning for me. I only noticed now the significance of a drawing by my daughter that’s been hanging in my garage for years – no idea how it got there! I kept meaning to take it down…signs show up in the most unusual ways – be curious, and pay close attention. Marianne has the ability to silence a room into stillness, to have whole audiences forgive, weep, and leave enlightened. In a room filled with a 1,000 women open to changing the world, the fierce side of her was alive and present! I’ve never heard her SO passionate about our role, and responsibility as women leaders now more than ever. She shared that a “summit” implies reaching upwards, and at some point between us as a child, and us as an adult we must be clear on the ground on which we stand. That EVERY child is our child – that we are part of a human family, and right now it’s a scary world. What I love about Marianne It’s what I love about Marianne – any complacency you might have had gets wiped out with the reality of what we’ve created. She calls you forth like no other. For some – it was too much, and a few women walked out. She reminded us that when you stand up for what you believe in – it’s not loud enough if you don’t have people uncomfortable or resisting you. That’s how you know you’ve risked standing bravely in your truth. 4. Lisa Ling  List Ling was also among the many women international leaders. Lisa, a journalist on C.N.N visiting countries most of us would not venture into – provoked deeper awareness from her reporting on sex trafficking, war, terrorism, North Korea, and the 30M more males than females in China due to their 1 child policy. She opened our eyes to how little thought is given when you put …

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Do you leave conversations with people feeling warm, and fuzzy where you look forward to re-connecting again? Would you call your discussions with people as intimate conversations? Depends on the conversation, and who it is, right? Sex without intimacy can be great, but sex with intimacy is phenomenal. Same goes for conversations. We don’t desire intimacy conversations, but missing out here can leave you feeling empty, and disconnected. What creates that spark of intimacy where you laugh until your belly aches, your mind gets stretched to new horizons, or tears might flow between you, and anyone else? I call intimate conversations as soul conversations, and they make you feel alive. There’s a practice of conversation I noticed happening over the years where my soul could reach out to meet someone else’s. It felt like instant resonance, and our words could pour out easily sharing who we are, and what we’re about. I began to notice more people saying “you’re the only one I’ve ever shared this with…”, and a deeply held truth would surface for air. I could feel a weight being lifted. Some conversations would end with an unexpected surprise: a heartfelt hug or an “I love you”. What had I done to create this level of intimacy? As a life coach, I’ve learned how to create safe, confidential spaces, but soul conversations go beyond the presumed trust we have with professionals or close friends we can confide in. It’s a higher faith we hold not just for someone’s happiness, but the growth they seek for themselves even if it means you feeling disappointed, hurt or angry. Everyone needs to follow their own soul compass. Judging someone will block soul conversations because ‘the judge’ does not have the capacity to hold your energy in their lower space of vibration. Your energy could also be blocking someone from opening up to a deeper conversation. We build walls around ourselves to protect from criticism, and judgment. When someone is willing to bare their soul, and you feel safe to share yours – there are steps that happens to get here. The 3 Steps to Intimate Conversations: 1) Know who you are not just what you do We all believe we know ourselves. I did too, but we tend to define ourselves by “WHAT I have done”, not “WHO I am”. It sounds like this: here’s what I like, what I do for a career, what my role is etc. Some of these ‘whats’ may actually be ‘shoulds’ when you take a closer look. Who you are comes from being authentic to your own inner voice. Can you describe WHO you are? As I child I was drawn to _______________. As a student, I loved spending time _______________. What I treasure most about being a parent, a partner, or a friend is _______________. What led me to pursue the work I do: _______________. What’s most important to me is: _______________. My closest connections know me to BE: _______________. Inside is a BEING driving your choices. Be willing to explore yourself intimately. 2) Show up vulnerably as your true self Being vulnerable means being willing to risk what feels safer NOT doing: • Sharing your truth even if it disappoints or angers those you care about • Breaking possible ‘rules, and expectations’ especially with surrounding family & friends Do you trust, and cherish your own values, and personal choices so strongly that you are willing to stand up in the face of opposition? How well do people know the REAL you? The spirit of you? The lens you look through? The filter you listen with? How life experiences land with you. For most of my life, I wasn’t familiar with my innermost thoughts, and feelings to be able to share them with others. My life was about getting things done, and making sure everything was working well: education, career, marriage, family, and friends. It was all good, but my soul didn’t have space to breathe. When things are not going OK, can you tap into the heart of those closest to you? Can you say what you need to say that has a safe, understanding, and intelligent spot to land? I used to deal with disagreements by brushing them off. Shared with friends who’d laugh with their similar stories. I felt frustrated at times, but accepted the circumstances, and just moved on. I didn’t stop to ask: WHY is this bothering me? What’s important about that? I didn’t know the most powerful communication tool: BE CURIOUS & ask questions. “I notice you are choosing  __________. Please help me understand why you are reacting that way. What’s driving that choice?” The extent to which you remain on the surface, avoiding, or clashing with no movement forward will determine how little you know of others. Intimacy requires you be willing to open up first, and share vulnerably. It tells someone 2 things: that you trust yourself, and you’re willing to trust them.  You will quickly filter who can earn your trust by what follows. Intimacy is a 2-way street. 3) Tap into your soul I’ll be honest – this one’s difficult to explain, and I consider it to be the most important part of true intimacy and intimate conversations. It’s knowing you have an inner compass or light within that your soul can connect with. Our heart feels clearly. Not the heart that reacts personally or attacks emotionally. That’s your ego. It’s the heart that’s grounded, yet passionate, and wise from our experiences. Your heart genuinely feels your true emotions of anger, sadness, and disappointment. You have a personality that is housed in your soul. We are all spiritual beings, and can connect to a divine source within us. When we tap into our soul, new ways of communication open up. I’m putting that mildly. When you trust your ‘intuition’, what exactly are you trusting? How do you define that inner knowing? When signs, and synchronicities happen do you pass them off as coincidences? I invite you to slow down, and look again. Our ability to be communicate with a divine …

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Men vs women is a centuries-old debate. Throughout history, it may appear men hate more in opposition with the dominance of men’s power in the world, wars fought primarily by men, domestic violence against women, and let’s not forget about testosterone. Something that women seem to be better at than men: opposing without hatred. ~Sir Mark Rylance, the Oscars, Feb 2017 When I first heard these words, it did seem like women were better at avoiding hatred. According to the Mayo Clinic, the normal testosterone range for the average adult male is 270-1070 ng/dL compared to only 15-70 ng/dL for females. Aggression is hormonally influenced. But does one gender actually hate more, or have women simply had to suppress their opposition given their relative lack of power, and resources available to them?   Look around your own life – do the men you know hate more than the women? Cultural, social, and economic factors obviously play a huge role, but there are significant differences between how men, and women handle opposition. When it comes to men vs women, we are wired differently. Men can brawl in a sport, or shout with their egos in the boardroom, and when it’s over walk away with no hate. It’s as if that moment was simply part of dealing with the issue at hand, and they move on. How often have you known a man to hang onto resentment or bring up the past in excruciating detail the way a woman can? You’ve probably noticed how men generally don’t feel the level of guilt women do as a response to internal opposition. “Mommy guilt” runs rampant, but daddy guilt? Not so much. It’s not because men care less about their children! And what about the gossip, and sheer nastiness that goes on among women in opposition that doesn’t appear to be the way most men oppose each other? If you missed this 10-minute video clip on men vs women – funny & insightful on our differences! The reality is aggressiveness is not necessarily destructive. We need this quality to defend ourselves if we’re being attacked, or someone tries to take advantage of us. It’s desirable in situations calling for immediate action or competitive environments where getting results is the name of the game. It just can’t be at the cost of hate, which leads to drama, violence, and broken relationships. Even murder. How do we move from aggression to hate? It seems we’re seeing hate, and chaos more these days. What is going on when whole countries are divided? The Missing Link Hate is really extreme anger against someone you are condemning. It’s the energy you hold when you are judging someone. We all have situations where someone has wronged us where its reasonable to defend ourselves, and we absolutely need to do that. But when you become defensive, and attacking – you are taking your own hate and using it to judge someone back. How do you oppose without hatred when you’ve been attacked unjustly? It’s not easy. There’s a new collective consciousness we’re seeing worldwide: A lot of us are familiar with the psychological construct of narcissism as applied to an individual: someone who is grandiose and overconfident on the outside, but needy and vulnerable underneath. But collective narcissism is something different: it is when someone exhibits an exaggerated belief in the superiority of their in-group, be that a gang, religion or nation, but deep down feels doubtful about their group’s prestige and therefore craves its recognition by others. ~Dr. Christian Jarret Vulnerability from a sense of neediness arises from self-worth that’s been hurt. It can lead to controlling others, blame, and attacking behaviour. Where does it originate? Imagine if you depended on someone who wasn’t there leaving you feeling abandoned. What if you trusted someone who betrayed you? Have you ever felt shamed by someone that wasn’t your fault? What if these experiences were not a one-time thing, but part your past, splashed with ongoing current experiences with the people closest to you? These painful situations create genuine hurt, and damages self-worth. It’s a cycle that sadly gets passed from one generation to the next. Two invisible walls go up. 1. The wall between you as the innocent victim seeking justice, and the destructive ego that tries initially to protect you, but ends up condemning you. An inner judge forms: a punishing internal voice confirming you’re not good enough. It’s a battle now within: you against you. 2.  There’s also the wall between you (the innocent victim that becomes needy) and anyone                     who triggers previous attacks, which naturally seeks to control. The inner judge warns “don’t you dare do that to me again!” Things get taken personally, there’s over-reaction, and defensive behavior. Have you ever felt yourself walking on eggshells around someone? Their energy feels fragile where you exercise caution to avoid a potential attack or a sudden withdrawal for no apparent reason. When I’ve been attacked, and allowed feelings of betrayal to overcome me – I’ve felt anger that’s turned to hatred I can justify. But I created it because in that moment I’ve made myself a victim to someone else’s destructive choices. I believed someone else’s truth that wasn’t my own. That’s when I could practice letting my own judgment go. You can let go of other people’s judgment knowing that’s their responsibility, and personal choice, not yours. Besides, it’s out of your control how someone chooses to behave. If you’ve come across anyone who lashes out with insults, arrogance, or interruptions followed by repetitions of “I’m a nice guy”- their invisible walls are up. There’s an inability to distinguish “reasonable anger” where you gain the strength to stand up for yourself versus “attacking anger” that’s really hurt turning to hate. How do you make those invisible walls visible? express any genuine anger from your past with people you can trust – releasing this energy heals your mind, body, and spirit develop a maturity that goes beyond self-importance seeking praise, and validation from others to feel good enough without justifying attacking behaviour do not accept anyone’s attack of you …

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Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned. ~Buddha There’s a specific kind of anger associated with control that many of us don’t recognize in ourselves. We live in a world of relative certainty where we do our best to control what’s uncertain. You may call this managing your life, but all too often it switches over to a darker hidden force: controlling behavior. The secret to serenity is letting go of control, of not being attached to an outcome (whatever that may be) that leads to anger, drama, and conflict. gotgrantme There’s no mention of control because it’s the hidden shadow that arrives only through self-awareness. Most controlling types don’t see themselves that way. Can you see it in yourself? The drive for control stems from one of our biggest fears – uncertainty. What happens when things don’t go as planned? When you’re not quite ready to hear a different truth. When someone isn’t following what you need? You enter a vulnerable space, and it can be overwhelmingly scary because you no longer feel in control. Your reaction will tell you immediately how strong your ‘need for control’ is. Do you often respond with anger, annoyance, or blame? Does drama, and conflict seem to follow you around? When someone takes what you say or do personally, and you have to tip toe around them – that’s their sense of ‘needing to control’. And vice versa. We all seem to have places we lose control. An example for me is the utter lack of patience hearing my twin girls arguing on our commute to the train. My frustration escalates, and I find myself shouting, which elevates their frustrations, and moves them into defensiveness. Their opposite personalities tend to lead to frequent battles (one is an organized manager type, the other flies by the seat of her pants). When I’m practicing staying away from my need to control their fighting, I’m in a much better position to guide them to resolve their own conflicts faster. Where we cannot say no becomes our ‘attachments’, and when these are not well managed – you may find yourself ‘out of control’. I can get attached to my girls needing to get along ALL the time, and lose perspective on the majority of times where they get along fabulously! What can you not say no to? That feeling or thing controls you on some level, and your growth is learning to release its hold so you can be free again. We get most attached to the way we need loved ones to show up, and it’s the most dangerous. Do you remember singer Karen Carpenter who died of a heart attack believed to be connected to her battle with anorexia? This disease stemmed from her sense of a lack of freedom, and responsibility in her life. Karen had an extremely controlling mother, and felt starved of love. Feeling controlled is unhealthy. The one thing she could manage was how much food she put into her body, the lack of which eventually killed her. We all battle with control on some level, and the better you understand it in yourself, the more you can make sense of a recent headline that was shocking: A physician killed, her neurosurgeon husband charged with murder: ‘How could this all happen?’ This woman doctor practiced in the same town I grew up in where my own parents, an orthopaedic surgeon, and family practitioner spent their entire career treating patients. It felt too close to home to be real. We assume an intelligent, positive, successful person doesn’t have control issues that could ever lead to murder. I don’t want it to be true that this neurosurgeon, and father of 3 young children killed his wife. But there’s too much leading me to believe that he’s responsible. His wife was killed within a week of filing for divorce from him. Strangled, and blunt force trauma causing death. The idea that one day someone good just ‘snaps’, and becomes temporarily insane just isn’t the whole story, but we certainly relate to our own experiences of feeling ‘out of control’. Those moments when we angrily rage at the driver who cut us off in traffic, or lose our cool with a loved one – behavior we may later regret, and need to apologize for. There’s an element of control that lives within us where we can become demanding, threatening, or imposing of others. Am I saying it’s ok to kill someone? Of course not. It’s an absolutely horrifying needless tragedy, and I can’t help thinking about this couple’s 3 young children. How will they cope, and be able to thrive with their new reality? But something deeper here was going on that never got revealed or dealt with until too late. There’s a part in us we cannot see that lives on a continuum of this ‘need to control’ stemming from a need for certainty in the beliefs we hold. It’s when FEAR is the driver of this need instead of LOVE that the consequences can be deadly. With loved ones, we become attached to a stronger need for certainty, and a deeper need for control. There’s a dependency that healthy, and one that’s not healthy, and control is the ingredient that will move you in one direction or the other. If you are not self-aware of your own fears around uncertainty, and control, you’ll find yourself in your own hidden battles behind closed doors with the kind of controlling anger that goes un-checked. Controlling behaviour doesn’t just suddenly appear…police had been called to their home a few times during their 12 year marriage. In May, 2005, while the couple was living in Ottawa, Shamji was charged with one count of assault and two counts of uttering threats — charges that were withdrawn later that year. (thestar.com, Dec, 5th, 2016) Do we really know ourselves …

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The best way to be free… A close friend confided “why wait” got into her head a year ago. It was something I’d been telling her all these years, and a dear friend of hers was diagnosed with cancer. My friend had spontaneously got on a plane to spend a few days in Florida with her 2 children. She loves to travel, and wants more fun in her life. She noticed it’s here where she feels free. Ahhh..to be free from doing what we’re supposed to do. From the expectations of others, the status quo, from needing to please, accommodate, settle. Trust and go. It’s a tiny powerful mind shift in facing the limited time we all have. We don’t want erratic, lack of responsibility, “regret it later” experiences, nor the stress of “OMG — time is running out, I have to go go go” where you can’t even enjoy it. But reaching out of your comfort zone into the kind of freedom that lets go of controlling, figuring things out first, and needing others to show up ‘your way’  – that feeds your soul. Ask anyone what they cherish, and you’ll hear “friends, and family”. Relationships are what matter most. My friend shared that she’d wait around for her husband’s vacation time, and sometimes they didn’t end up going anywhere. Plus, planning a vacation took so much time. Why not just go? Spend time together at unexpected times in your best way possible. I could SO relate. Not waiting anymore. I’d given that up a while back being married to an A-type corporate executive where I used to plan everything we did around his schedule. Maybe you can relate? One day I made a decision: “I’m just going…whether you can come or not.” It started out small. Can’t make it for the family outing we planned? We went anyway. I had to let go of any resentment I held that he couldn’t make it, and step into the sadness that he ended up missing out. Same for the school musical our daughter had a big part in. Our son’s drum recital..it’s a choice in life we make that time will not wait. I cannot choose for him. I encourage him to visit the places he  travels around the world, (he could easily fill all his hours with work, and leave no time for fun), but that was up to him. A few years ago I also found myself headed to Florida over Spring break with our girls to visit his parents, and Disney – without him. His sister – a 6 hour drive away in Ottawa could join us with her girls. The memories from this trip with their cousins, my girls will remember forever… What if I had waited? At first it felt a little unfair to my husband, but I was done waiting for his schedule to fit into ours. I gave myself permission to stop waiting. I knew this freedom. Time won’t wait. These cousins have a special bond, and at those ages sharing that experience together only came around ONCE, and I took it. There’s no going back. My hubby wasn’t angry or upset, but the next Spring break he somehow managed to join us in Florida with little effort on my part. Following what I cherish has a bonus feature: I no longer have to try so hard to make things work the next time : ) Being the Change – it really works. That’s when the universe starts to move in the same direction you’ve firmly embodied  – when you decide “it’s time”. It’s been a practice to live my life this way. This in no way means disrespecting anyone, or being demanding or selfish. It’s what most of us fear, which keeps us stuck. When you simply follow your inner voice that’s true for you – your soul knows what you value. It’s the ones who do not follow this in their own life where you run into obstacles. There is no resonance here. Those who care about you deep down want you to be happy, as much as you want that for them. But they also must be choosing for themselves what’s valuable to them so they have the strength to give this space to you. Give and receive. Not demand, and expect. If you start to feel like you’re sacrificing your joy for their circumstances, beliefs, or a perspective that’s different to yours – resentment builds you will have to release. Following your inner voice lets you be free of an inner peace of mind. Not following the rules becomes normal. Your best decisions arrive faster. Life feels in flow. I’m still someone who likes things organized. I don’t like being hit with unwanted surprises that could have me doing the unthinkable: wasting my time! There’s a practical side of me that’s been merged with “if it feels right, go for it”, and don’t look back. Somewhere between spontaneity, and being willing to face whatever rough waters you thought were stopping you in the first place is the FLOW of living true to yourself. The clock ticks louder the moment a loved one faces a life threatening illness or has lost their life. Live as if it’s your last day isn’t the way we wake up in the morning, but we all know this – today could be it. We just don’t all do something about it. What are you waiting for exactly? Is it worth trying to make it perfect before you get to experience it? Can you make this moment special? It may never come again. How can you make it so valuable you’ll take it with you forever? I trust myself more, and more as I keep stepping out further into what I most treasure, and who I know myself to be. Freedom. It’s here where you attract, and build the few sacred connections you can trust fully where there are no secrets. The more I did exactly what I wanted, I noticed that I was silently giving other people permission to do the same. It’s been secretly fun to witness. Those who accept you for exactly who you are when you are not afraid to follow what most matters to you are yours forever. It’s the beauty of living your truth: love surrounds you. Trusting what you desire comes from a place of self-love. It arrived when I stopped waiting …

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