Carolyn Hidalgo

I couldn’t tell you what authentic connection meant until I found myself taking an on-line writing course 14 years ago. My mind was saying “what are you doing, you’re an accountant?!” That was the beginning of discovering through my own authentic connection how the healthiest relationships could develop. By healthy, I mean the kind where I can now be unapologetically honest, laugh uncontrollably, occasionally tear up, we can talk for hours non-stop, I get warm fuzzies because this person lights up my soul, and both of us learn, and expand from our connection. Most importantly – there’s no judgment. That means no taking things personally. I have the freedom to be all of me. Basically, the level of intimacy is through the roof.  Time and distance no longer matter. With those closest to you, there will be some anger, frustration, and disappointment, but healthy relationships have space for conflict that allows the ‘truth of all you are’ to show up for your soul’s growth. No beating around the bush or hiding behind a mask here. Perhaps this sounds like a tall order for our relationships, but we get what we settle for, and when it comes to all the people you choose to spend your precious time with – I urge you not to settle. Discovering Your Authentic Connection First Finding my own personal authentic connection started me on a wildly unexpected journey into my own relationships, which I thought at the time were just fine! We don’t know what we don’t know.. The health of your relationships is defined by the energy you have inside to give.  Is it fearful or loving? Insecure or whole?  Apathetic or passionate? Reactive or curious? Disengaged or interested? The closer you connect to your ‘higher vibration’ authenticity, which is your personal version of what’s true, beautiful, and good on your particular adventure  – the more you have to give in healthy ways. Authentic Connection => Healthy relationships => Love Flows in As I started giving from my own increasing authenticity, I noticed the depth of my conversations began changing with friends & family members who’d say goodbye with a huge hug, and “I love you”. At first, it felt like the strangest thing. What comes back from your authentic connection is a matching vibration of someone else bringing their authentic energy, and that undeniable, undefinable thing called love flows in at new levels. Healthy relationships blossom. It can be one conversation or a lifetime connection. What’s awesome is what’s authentic varies all over the map to create the relationships you want most. What It Takes to Live More Authentically To get here, I had to stop doing what I thought was expected, and face disappointing or angering someone. It didn’t mean stepping all over people’s toes, but learning when, and where it was appropriate to say, and show up with what was true for me. You will discover someone’s authenticity by being vulnerable, and genuinely curious about other people. Over time, your authentic energy will invite people in without any words – your presence feels safe to others when you are true to yourself. I needed the courage to fail, doubt myself, look stupid, and let go of some people along the way. We’re all on our own authentic path, and the degree to which you can trust yourself here makes a difference. There are no Guarantees It doesn’t matter what you give – someone else can mistrust, demand, pull back, get annoyed, take you personally, even judge you!  For the first time, my choices pissed some people off, and I had to be OK with that. Their opposition reminded me that I was living by my own rules, and you cannot please everyone. But when you are both in your true nature – you can oppose, and still love. The Feeling of Authenticity – Joy versus Happy As you begin doing more of what makes your heart sing that feels right for you – you’ll discover signs about your own true nature that were there all along. Why a particular song resonated. Mysterious things you were drawn to. People that made an impression. Experiences you long for. Whatever brings you joy is authentic to you, and happy is not the same as joy. Happiness can fade when we’re seeking it from the outside, while joy is everlasting because we become it first, which brings lasting happiness to us in the unique way we desire. Authentic connection takes you on an inner spiritual journey of attuning to your inner light, which is the spark for developing your healthiest relationships. You become transparent with yourself first and foremost. No denying, or pretending that this is working for you when it is not. If you are not experiencing full on JOY, LOVE & LAUGHTER where your soul feels alive in your closest relationships, your authentic light is still waiting to be ignited. 10 Steps to Your Healthy Relationships through Authentic Connection 1) Trust yourself for what feels aligned. Whatever feels joyful, fun, easy, loving – follow that bliss. 2) Notice the little things you used to enjoy or what you long to experience (like dancing, getting away for a night, staying up with a friend until 2 am with a bottle of wine, making love in the moonlight, painting, singing, going after your dreams in some small way..). 3) Be ready to question WTF you’re doing actually following your bliss (people will think you’re crazy, including you), but trust and go with it anyway. 4) Release any guilt for doing what brings you joy. Other people are responsible for their joy. Remind yourself that you have more to give from this place. 5) Expect to be pleasantly surprised with signs and synchronicities that keep becoming more frequent, and unbelievable because when your soul lights up, magic happens. That’s the universe teaming with guides, spirit helpers and your Creative Source on your side. 6) Create healthy boundaries. Limit time & energy spent with anyone including long-time …

How the Healthiest Relationships Develop Through Authentic Connection Read More »

Saying “I was wrong” is never easy, but why asking for forgiveness is difficult has several reasons. You’ve had a conflict with a loved one. You know you’re in the wrong at least partly. Despite an innocent intention, what landed was hurtful. You feel bad, want to reach out, but the words aren’t coming. Even when it feels like the right thing to do. During any confrontation, we often react without thinking, especially in heated arguments where raw emotions and angry words are flying high. You may recognize how you could have handled it better, but it’s a far cry from admitting “I’m sorry – will you please forgive me?” Admitting fault implies “I was wrong, and you were right”, which isn’t how you feel when you’re still carrying anger and hurt. After all, look at how they treated you! Navigating Our Different Truths In any battle, there is rarely ever a clear right or wrong. Instead, there are 2 different experiences of truth that are not syncing and has escalated to a place where forgiveness is needed. The biggest culprit that gets in the way of asking for forgiveness? Our need to exercise control. It’s human nature to need order, but there’s a toxic mix of needing to be right by being controlling that fosters drama, pain, and unforgiveness. How Control Becomes Unhealthy Most of us grew up in environments filled with uncertainty and imposed rules. We had to navigate through family and social expectations often being criticized while trying to find our own sense of control. No one wants to be told how to behave according to someone else, and the dance was to create the freedom to be ourselves. We’re not told how needing control can damage our relationships, and that a healthy version of having control requires a special practice when it comes to people that’s more about managing and trust. Controlling behaviour impacts our ability to let go, and ask for forgiveness. With the need to control comes 2 related behaviours that are very hard to recognize within ourselves, yet can be easily dished out to others: judgment, and blame. The cycle of control, judgment, and blame is what makes asking for forgiveness difficult in these 7 Ways: 1) It’s easier to see someone else as wrong, but not ourselves. Studies show that when others make a mistake, we’re more likely to blame them using internal attribution factors such as their personality. However, when we’ve made a mistake, we tend to use external attribution or the circumstances as the cause. It’s a strange phenomenon, but it means we tend to judge people for their mistakes and blame the situation for ours! There’s an inherent resistance to admitting you are wrong. What might that mean about you? Could it be you’re mean, lazy, or selfish? Who’s willing to admit they’re a terrible person? It could certainly jeopardize your sense of worthiness, and ability to control. 2) It’s hard to take responsibility when we feel attacked because we get defensive. Taking ownership over our part isn’t easy when we’re feeling like someone did something to us. Even if it wasn’t intentional, when we feel attacked or controlled – we immediately become defensive. If you think it was intentional, you’ll justify your defensive behaviour! “She was rude to me!” is a classic defensive reaction. Most people aren’t deliberately trying to offend you. They may be in a foul mood, stressed or dealing with any number of life’s challenges that’s making them controlling. It’s not about you, but we react as if it is because someone is unkindly making it about you. If you’re treated badly, standing up firmly for yourself is different than attacking back in defensiveness. I call this “taking someone personally” instead of being curious (or confused) about why their energy feels attacking. Here are a few ways defensiveness appears. You.. send the nasty email lash out with name-calling hang up on someone slam the door berate someone with yelling respond with indignation or disdain to shame or guilt someone impose your expertise implying you know better point back out their bad behaviour Blame is now in the air, and trying to ask for forgiveness is next to impossible here. 3) If you’re demanding an apology, slow down – this is still controlling behaviour.  Someone may certainly be deserving of an apology, but it’s not going to come from it being demanded. The ‘ability to respond’ or take ‘responsibility’ can only come from within not without. It’s the same way forcing discipline doesn’t work – what you want to teach is self-discipline. Once you let go of the need for an apology, you are releasing blame which opens up the space to self-examine the part you played. Take a deep breath, and ask yourself: what responsibility can I take? What am I not seeing? What way did I show up that isn’t my highest self? Maybe you trusted someone that isn’t trustworthy. Perhaps you’ve justified being defensive. Could you have allowed hurt emotions to attack from pain that still hasn’t healed? Your core values (respect, decency, trust) may have been stepped on, and toxic self-righteousness is keeping you stuck. Letting go of controlling how someone needs to apologize helps open the door to asking for forgiveness. 4) We misunderstand what forgiveness means. Asking for forgiveness may feel like we’re excusing what we did, (or letting someone get away with what they did). Perhaps you feel tremendous guilt, and don’t think you deserve to be forgiven. It’s as if you should have known better, and a sense of punishment feels needed. But asking for forgiveness means taking a stand for your part without blaming or shaming yourself. Forgiveness is not about the other person – it’s about freeing yourself of self-judgment so you can take responsibility however big or small, and allow someone else to do the same. 5) Asking for forgiveness May Not Get the Response You Want. It takes 2 to tango in love and war. We may …

7 Reasons Why Asking for Forgiveness Is Difficult Read More »

I grabbed ‘Care of the Soul’ by Thomas Moore from my pile of books to read for our recent family trip to Sedona. Thomas starts with.. “The great malady of the 20th century, implicated in all our troubles and affecting us individually and socially, is loss of soul.” I’ve been savouring the chapters as you might a fantastic glass of wine. When words hold that quality you can’t describe, you know it’s touching into a part of you that is now waking up. It’s what felt missing in my life over a decade ago  – the importance of soul development. The concept of your soul is difficult to grasp even in the softer world of life coaching. It wasn’t until earlier this year that ‘soul relationship coach’ finally felt like the right description for how I work with clients these days. I help them reconnect with this part of them that was lost to tackle whatever challenges, stresses, and issues they are facing, especially in their relationships. Soul relationship work is the core of what I’ve noticed creates wonders in our lives. I was raised to approach life with “here’s the problem, and here’s how you fix it. DO that, and all will be well.” It worked for a good part of my life, and it’s still my ‘go to method’ for some things. But we, in our relationships don’t work this way.  It’s closer to ‘soul practice creates perfection’ and less about ‘try this practical solution’. Soul work is about planting seeds, readiness, seeking, and curiosity. Transformation happens the way nature unfolds – miraculously. Suddenly the flower is there, but all along it needed nourishment. We all have different lessons with our own soul answers. It’s hard to care for our soul when most of us have difficulty defining what our soul even is. So, what is the Soul? The soul is the energetic loving essence of our true self that’s eternal. It’s the part of you that is accumulating valuable life experiences needed for your spiritual growth, and ascension career. There’s an eternal life beyond this one that as an ascendant soul being you are moving along! It matters how your soul evolves here because your experiences form what you will carry on your path forward. We encompass different energies – mental, emotional, physical, but it’s our spiritual energy that is the most important aspect of ourselves, and our greatest internal power. When you pay attention to your soul, you’ll notice it longing for the things you cannot quite put your finger on: purpose, serenity, bliss, love. It’s these intangibles in our material driven world that are critical to our overall health, and well-being. If you struggle with finding meaning in your days, or don’t heal the wounds that show up in this lifetime, it can affect your soul’s progress. We develop ‘unresolved energies’ or ‘unfinished business’ that manifest as stress, pain, and drama that will need to be cleared one way or another often in the form of forgiveness or releasing judgment. A Soul Compass There’s guidance to experience what lights up our soul known as the “Trinity of Being” – Truth, Beauty, and Goodness. I first learned of this concept from a group of celestial teachers in 2010 known as “The Circle of Seven”. Yes, invisible beings – I had to practice stretching my own faith back then! I was guided to their messages after finally following the sign “11:11” that showed up too many times to ignore. (As I typed that, I see the word count is 1111..keep writing, they whisper). The Trinity of Being provides a compass for soul progression where you will start to reflect the perfection of your Divine nature. In a very real way, your outer world will start reflecting this inner map of: Truth, Beauty and Goodness The Circle of Seven describe this Trinity as follows: “Truth will become ever more apparent and the understanding of it will become clearer and more defined..your spiritual ears will develop; you will hear the voice of your indwelling with greater clarity; and you will learn to trust your intuition when unseen guidance points the way.” Beauty. “With respect for body, mind, and soul, you will become more beautiful in every way..your very aura will shine with greater luminosity. Your personality will become magnetic, and your fellows will be drawn to this inner beauty.. You will acquire a new appreciation for all things beautiful: nature, art, music, poetry, philosophy, and other virtuous expressions of higher human consciousness.” “Goodness will be the banner of your presence..You will communicate the goodness of the Father to others by becoming a living example of His unconditional love. Goodness and love freely given will be reflected back unto you.. Gentleness, humility, and self control will transform the nature of self from what you were, to what you will become as God purifies the soul through the building of strong character.” “Truth, Beauty, and Goodness is the Trinity of Being and becomes the very embodiment and reflectivity of God likeness.” ~The Circle of Seven A Few Examples One of my clients, Jodi is a photographer whose ability to capture precious moments comes from an essence of her soul that embodies this Trinity. It’s unmistakable when you know her deeply. You hear it in the richness of her testimonials: “You have such an incredible ability to capture the MAGIC. I’m actually speechless about how organic and beautiful these images are. These are exactly what we were envisioning. Thank you thank you thank you for being YOU! We love you!” Can you think of someone you know who brings something so entrancing that it takes you to a place that feels almost surreal? That’s a part of their soul connecting with yours. My dear friend Sonali is another example where I can feel this essence in her paintings, and through her beautiful friendship. Her process of painting includes visualization where she can feel the colours, and see the images while experimenting with different …

Why Care For Your Soul? Wisdom from Sedona & Beyond Read More »

People come into, and out of our lives fostering all kinds of different connections and trying to build healthy boundaries. The closer we get, the more risk you’ll bump up against someone’s toxic parts, and they will bump up against yours. Eventually, even with close friends or family members you will bump into those places where someone gets defensive, takes you personally, and now you’re walking on eggshells confused about how to proceed. Do you find yourself needing to show up differently in an attempt to maintain a peaceful encounter? When things start feeling toxic, stressful, or draining with the people in our lives where you just can’t be yourself – chances are you need to create a healthier boundary. Relationships – an Orbit Perspective I began looking at my relationships in terms of orbits circling close or far from me. Friends and family members would fall into different orbits that can sometimes shift. Learning how to maintain a healthy distance has taken years of practice where my goal has been to create that judgment-free space where I could be my most authentic self, and that person could be too. No matter how different we happened to be. Wasn’t always easy! Relationships take work, but as long as my connections grew in positive ways, I was willing to take the “good with the bad” (we all have our stuff), and all was well. Until it wasn’t well. Sometimes me showing up more fully would send someone spinning out of control. Unless I could find that safe space again, it was time to step back, re-assess this connection, and decide whether to move their orbit further out or leave altogether. The Risk of Speaking Your Truth Our truth can set us free, but only with certain people. There’s always a chance you run into someone’s wall (their ego) when you realize you’ve said more than someone is able to receive.  If there’s deflection, controlling behavior, defensiveness, attack, silence or condemnation – it can become toxic to you. Pay attention if what you share isn’t landing – maybe there’s an unexpected silence, a lecture, or simply a lack of resonance for what resonates for you. Curiosity seems to be missing. Meaningful relationships require that you are fascinated on some level with someone. None of us is perfect, but we can all recognize when our thoughts start remaining more in our head rather than spoken out loud. If you’re quietly asking yourself: “Is she going to overreact if I tell her what I really think? Will he disappear if I say too much?” because you’ve begun noticing a pattern of how this person responds – this orbit needs to be re-evaluated. How Big is the Gap Between You and Someone Else? These words often remind me of how far away we can be on someone else’s page: “I know you think you understand what you thought I said but I’m not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant” ~Alan Greenspan When you don’t feel heard, the gap between your thoughts, and how you land means their orbit is further out than you imagined. You’ll notice how draining it can be having to filter, especially in deeper conversations. Follow your own vibration that feels good with the people who support, believe, and will challenge you. Your inner voice and intuition know who to trust. Notice the qualities of the best interactions you experience, as these tell you where your vibration is internally aligned. Dealing with Collisions If there’s a lot drama in your relationships where you’re feeling misunderstood, anxious, frustrated or angry, it’s time to look honestly within. Either you’ve been accepting what isn’t working for you in other people, or you’re not aware of where you are difficult to be with. My daughters were telling me a story about a friend who told them to please tell her if she’s behaving in ways that bother them. They thought “wow – she’s interested in getting feedback, and wants to change,” so they proceeded to tell her what wasn’t working for them, and she responded with “I’m not like that!” Be open, curious, and willing to hear what you may not like. If someone says you make them feel guilty, that you can be controlling, or you blame them, ask “what do I say that makes you feel this way?” Don’t let pride get in your way. It doesn’t matter what anyone says about you – when you know, and trust yourself, you’re not offended, but confused. Your response will be “I don’t understand you, please explain”. If someone imposes their wounds that still need healing onto you – whether unwanted lectures, blame, or punishment you’re the only one who can stand up for yourself to firmly say “NO – that is not O.K – I don’t deserve that”. How much of anyone’s toxic behaviour you’re willing to take on depends on your understanding of where it comes from (compassion), and how it affects your well-being. You’ll also take into account how willing someone is to look in the mirror – this includes you. It Gets Down to Love Love is the most powerful force that will define a healthy boundary. Kindness, patience, and honesty can drive out anything toxic by choosing to be willing to listen without judgment, making false accusations or wrong assumptions. You will reach the other side in a healthier place even if you must go through some nasty battles as long as both of you have each other’s back.  Underneath you care, and want the other’s happiness. Does your intention hold out for their highest interest without betraying yourself? Love can mean very different things to different people depending on your experience of it. This is where it can get confusing. What love means to you needs to coincide with what love means to someone else evidenced by your treatment of each other – this will determine how close you can hold someone’s orbit …

Creating Healthy Boundaries with Friends & Family When It Gets Toxic Read More »

A client asked me recently “what are your spiritual practices for the year?” We’d been discussing goals, visioning, and the changes she wanted to make for her best year ever. I paused, and wondered how do I explain what’s behind what I practice these days?  That it really is about BEING the change spiritually. A decade ago, I couldn’t even tell you what spirituality meant. Today it feels like my entire life has been infused with it. I still remember these words stopping me in my tracks.. We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience. ~Pierre Teilhard de Chardin My truth bells were immediately ringing. I’d somehow known this…I read it again. Wrote it down. I looked up Pierre..how do I completely miss these great  thinkers? This pattern would repeat itself over and over..a whole new reality opened up that has been around for thousands of centuries. We lost a part of ourselves long ago… Who Are You? You are a soul. A complex personality. A unique being who’s evolving on this earth in a vast Universe filled with spiritual guidance. In our modern world filled with technology,  and global access to much information, spirituality may feel invisible to you despite a growing awareness that we are all somehow connected. I’ve been living, and creating my life from a spiritual place for the last decade. It’s a universal journey I share in smaller pieces because not only is readiness a factor, but your most sacred beliefs get challenged. It’s a tricky space to navigate. I remember the way I used to operate. I’d go straight into planning, common sense, and working hard to get things done. Checking off lists. Getting resources. Achieving Results. Next. Action is important, but once I realized being comes before doing – everything began to change. Allowing. Being present. Noticing. Connecting. Seeing. Believing. Trusting. Surrendering. Co-creating. Synchronicities. I was missing all of it. What I did this year.. I begin each year with a soul theme. This year it was followed a deep dive into Michael Beckwith’s 4 Stage Visioning Process (can listen here). He takes you through the spiritual journey of living into your life’s vision. I felt a strong push to lead more this year so a ‘leadership’ theme was coming up for me. It was fueled by a sense of ‘responsibility’ to share more about spirituality. So I invited some friends over the holidays to watch this visioning process, which is what I’ve been experiencing the past decade! Of course how you go through the stages is unique to you, but it’s remarkably consistent for all. It happened to fall on a day when plenty of snowflakes were coming down hard. The roads were not good, and I wasn’t sure anyone would make it, but 11 friends arrived! The number 11 is a ‘sign’ that shows up to tell me “I’m on my right path”. I used to see 11:11 as a child, and then it stopped. In the last decade as I became more spiritually aware, this 11:11 prompt would appear in all forms 8:11, 11:56, 111, but ONLY when I wasn’t looking for it. Each time it wows me because it reminds me of this bigger universe we live in. Michael Hyatt’s 5 Days to Your Best Year Ever I also completed Michael Hyatt’s 5 days to your Best Year Ever  online program. Michael Beckwith’s visioning process is more BEING.  Michael Hyatt’s program is more DOING. We need both. As one of my coaches, Christine Kloser would say: “Pray, and move your feet!” Did you notice the two Michael’s? I have a Godson whose name is Michael. Some people know Jesus as Jeshua, or Joshua Ben Joseph but I also know him as “Christ Michael”. These are synchronicities I pay attention to now. I see signs and synchronicities every day reminding me of my own spiritual nature.  See if you notice them in your life. Some can slip by me for years! When I finally connect the dots, I wonder what took me so long? The teacher appears when the student is ready. Once I pay attention, I will ask “what am I being shown in this moment that I’m meant to see?” Essentially I open up a dialogue – it’s similar to praying, but more like asking for guidance. You can’t receive what you don’t ask for – free will is the overriding universal law AND things happen we don’t want. If you can understand this paradox (and duality), you will come to see the nature of life, and can navigate it all more easily. Your Soul Theme Your soul theme is a one word intention that becomes your internal compass for the year. It’s like a nudge calling you forward into becoming more of who you want to be. It’s also the way your soul is seeking to grow. What do you feel called to step into this year? Can you narrow it down to one word? The reason why writing down your goals gives you have a much higher chance of success is that it’s a way to release your intention energetically, and you will receive matching assistance from the Universe. Be careful what you wish for – that you are indeed ready to receive it. Here’s a great resource for more on that idea most of you know as ‘the law of attraction’: Ask, and it is given. Getting Yourself Out of the Way You know we can be our own block, but what exactly do we need to let go of? Our limiting beliefs. We all have them. “Belief is always limiting and binding; faith is expanding and releasing. Belief fixates, faith liberates.” ~The Urantia Papers, 1955 What’s difficult is we don’t know which thoughts are stopping us from experiencing the things we want.  They’re our blind spots of self-deception. We tend to think in black and white, logically, and rationally (especially if you grew up in a more …

Spiritual Practices For Your Best Year Ever Read More »

Did you ever try to emotionally connect with your team? Well, you can try these 6 practices. Emotional connection is a 2-way street, but as parents, we tend to be one-way: “What’s going on with you?” “Can you talk to me?” And the dreaded question that starts in kindergarten: “What did you do today?” You know the answer: “Ahh…nothing.” Then the interrogation follows: “But honey, you must have done something! What about…?” We create this tension early on and expect our kids to somehow just confide their most intimate feelings. What’s the secret to emotionally connecting with your kids? I had no clue in my early years of raising our son and twin girls. But today, as they head into their final years of high school, I marvel how they want to share their exciting news, and bring up sensitive issues without any begging on my part. Here are 6 secrets I discovered on how to emotionally connect with teens, to let their deep experiences be a natural part of our conversations: 1. Model an emotional connection. Do you express your emotions with your kids? I had to learn how to be comfortable expressing my emotions after growing up in a family where anger was a bad thing, and tears were dismissed with “that’s not something to cry about”. My home environment was happy, but when it came to emotions, it was more like: “Be sensible and get on with it!” Emotions got buried. Your children feel safer being real with their emotions when you’re real with them. Trust is a feeling of “you get me” because both sides are willing to be vulnerable emotionally. Have you shared any emotional struggles or mistakes from your teen days? Do you show your true emotions or keep them hidden? They want to know you’re human too. 2. Create a safe space to express emotions. Can your children be pissed off, depressed, angry, disappointed, freaking out without the demands of “Tell me what’s the matter!” or the classic no-no: “What’s wrong with you?” Who would open up emotionally in that controlling and judgmental space? Instead, whatever emotions are showing up — ask how you can support them or what they need from you. Then listen slowly, and acknowledge their feelings with “I can see how you’d feel that way.” It’s difficult for any parent to see their children hurt, frustrated, or angry. We try to fix them with lectures or protect them from pain instead of allowing their genuine emotions to flow. Your ability to be with their disappointment or anger gives them the resilience and courage to face what’s underneath. You can now have a conversation around their own “why” based on who they are. Learning to trust their emotions is a huge guidance tool to know which direction to go. 3. Embrace who they are, not who you want them to be. We have strong opinions about what will make our children happy, spiritual and successful. Throw them out. Allow your child to follow their heart, and discover what makes them happy. Come from this place: “I believe in you.” Discipline, focus, and hard work are necessary for success, but it needs to be led from their personality, and desires, not ours. The freedom to be who they are allows them to trust their own feelings, which leads to a healthy self-worth. 4. Ask, don’t tell. It may feel like your job as a parent is to tell your children what to do. This is the furthest thing from the truth. Your job is to guide them to be who they want to become. You need to share what things need to get done and why, but you know what it feels like being told what to do by anyone! Teens especially resist as they are becoming more independent, which is what you want for them. 5. Engage: be interested in what interests them. When my daughter wants to share a whole passage from a book she loves, sometimes I have to grin and bear it. I try to listen for what’s so exciting for her when it just isn’t that exciting for me. Same goes for the songs they listen to, the shows they watch, and the games they play. They eagerly want me to experience what they find “wow!” I fully admit I don’t get them sometimes! If I want to know them for who they are, it requires making an effort engaging in their world. 6. Find consistent times to have 1:1 conversation. Do you have at least one meaningful precious moment with your teen every day laughing, talking, and sharing — in the car, during a meal, or in the hallway? As much as possible, I use ‘regular’ moments like chauffeuring as an opportunity to connect. They don’t always want to and neither do I, but being aware of using this time wisely adds up. A committed 5 minutes at bedtime to say “good night” can create many unexpected intimate conversations. Mealtimes are planned, and opportunities to connect. Following these practices not only allowed me to emotionally connect with my teens but also allowed them to develop a tremendous connection with each other! This article was first published on yourtango.com.

And how you can get it right. When I was 14, a friend shared this quote with me: “If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it’s yours. If it doesn’t, it never was.” That quote was by Richard Bach. I read it over many times, wondering what it meant and if it was true. Let go of someone you love as a test to see if they come back? If they do, that’s true love? Is this the definition of love? What does love look like? It took me the next few decades to realize that the biggest part about love that we often get wrong is freedom. Letting go is what allows love to flow in. We’ve been taught that it’s hanging on. It’s making promises until death do us part. Sticking with it at any cost, even if it means betraying your own sense of what you most need and desire. We try to control love, preserve it somehow from changing, but not realizing that love is the constant. We are the ones who need freedom in love because we are in a perpetual state of change. Not growing leads to boredom and stagnation. The freedom to be yourself and say what you feel as you move and expand through life can slowly disappear with the one closest to you. Why? We want to protect and avoid hurting our partner. What if the one we love isn’t moving in the ways we are? We also know them so well that their negative response or lack of interest can be anticipated. Why put ourselves out there to face that pain when we’ve learned to avoid it? We tell ourselves, “They won’t understand this part of me. I’ve tried.” We can even justify this state of our relationship as “being considerate”. Or worse, we tell ourselves this is what it means to love someone unconditionally. What if we had it all wrong? What if love is really about creating a wide, open space that allows both sides to expand into all you are meant to become? To champion each other towards your highest so you can bring the greatest of who you are meant to be back to your relationship? I love the definition of love by Dr. Scott Peck, author of The Road Less Traveled: “Love is the will to extend oneself for the purpose of nurturing one’s own or another’s spiritual growth.”   Freedom in love has no boundaries and no limits. It’s abundant in every way imaginable. It has space for the ups and downs — for both the joy and heartache. We are spiritual beings, and if we are here evolving over time and space to experience true abundance, wouldn’t love give us the freedom for that? The Dalai Lama says, “Love is the absence of judgment.” To judge another person is what blocks our freedom to grow, and the cause of what we get wrong in love. Whenever you are annoyed, frustrated, or angry at someone for something you don’t like or agree with, and treat them to your condemnation — judgment is present. How likely is it that someone can show up fully when you’re making them feel wrong or less than you? Judgment creates a shift towards control and ownership in love that feeds into resentment and disconnection. It sounds, and feels like this: “How dare you do that?” “Who do you think you are?” “I won’t tolerate your behavior!” “You owe me an apology!” What if we could see ourselves as different instead of wrong? How would you show up if you knew you could not be wrong with someone? Love doesn’t matter who’s right. It doesn’t take sides. It offers a different kind of freedom beyond right and wrong. When you’ve become someone’s judge, you will push away the experience of being in love because your spirit is no longer free to explore. The more controlling and condemning you become in love, the needier and more dependent you are for someone else to change to make you happy. Lecturing or unwanted advice can be controlling if one side feels like they have no other option but to listen. If you feel obligated to act in ways to avoid disappointing someone, you are being controlled. Check in with your loved one. What space is available to voice what’s really on your mind and in your heart? Are your opinions and beliefs valued? Are your hopes and dreams heard and understood? Is there a safe space to discourse on a difficult conversation where everything is placed on the table? When you run into inevitable conflict, do loved ones shut you down, not listen, get annoyed, lecture, freak out, or dismiss you leaving you feeling disconnected? Do you have the freedom to be the real you? Where’s the freedom in “I can’t live without you?” Yes, you can. Love is empowering, and missing that person may be painfully sad, but not so disempowering that you cannot survive. Try, “I can live on because your love gave me the strength to carry on.” Someone once said, “Where there is love, there is no need for rules.” Love has that kind of freedom. “This article was first published at YourTango.com.”