Carolyn Hidalgo

A Story of Betrayal — Becoming Judgment-Free

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A Story of Betrayal – Becoming Judgment-free We see the world, not as it is, but as we are—or, as we are conditioned to see it. ~Anais Nin I was conditioned to see the world as a place where people cared and were judgement-free. Being well-educated to have the financial independence to raise a family defined success. There were rules of what was ‘right and wrong‘ that became my values. When I found myself feeling betrayed by a long-time friend, I didn’t understand at that time how my way of “being right” was conditioned, and was not necessarily someone else’s view. My parents, both physicians have a strong work ethic. They role modelled kindness, and respect in a practical way. I grew up with healthy dose of self-esteem and a belief I could do anything with persistence and hard work. 3 of my siblings went into medicine, 2 did their MBAs, and I got my Chartered Accountant designation (CPA). We all got married, and have 17 children among us.  What turned out to be unusual was the lack of drama, or anyone taking anything personally even after we grew up, and got together with our families. To my amazement, this is not the norm. I grew up to discover the world was messy, challenging, and filled with family, social, and global issues. After my son was born, I decided not to return to my VP finance & admin position, and began a journey of self-discovery. I changed careers to become a full-time mom, and life coach/writer on the side. Despite having stability, direction, happiness, I didn’t realize I was living on the surface, disconnected emotionally, and spiritually. I was focused on a whole lot of DOING, and not aware of what BEING ME even meant. When I broke from my “expected family norm”, criticism showed up for the first time. My circle of friends and family weren’t as excited nor could they understand this new path I was heading down. The more I followed my own truth, the more I seemed to be getting into conflict for the first time with those around me. At the same time, new friends I was attracting began showing up and I’d be having deeper more meaningful conversations. I was unknowingly living my life from my own inner voice, letting go of the “outside noise” what I should do, and how I should think. One day a close friend handed me a 6 page letter. It was filled with her judgmental thoughts of who I was as a person, sister, friend, even a mother.  Who I should be in her mind had been simmering for years, and had reached the boiling point. Suddenly, I had become someone wrong, bad, and didn’t meet her expectations. Years earlier, this friend had confided her own hurtful personal experiences of friends abandoning her “for no reason” and I’d wondered “how could anyone treat you that way? You don’t deserve that!” She had lost her way at one point in a family situation, and I was the only friend she felt she could turn to. I understood why she couldn’t reach out to her own siblings to help, and she said “there is no one else I can go to”. She stayed overnight with me for a few days very upset. I listened. I was there for her no matter what. I felt her distress understanding that sometimes we make mistakes in our struggles through life. I didn’t judge her even though I could see some of this situation was coming from her. A small part of me was unsure – was she going to be ok, and was I safe in allowing her to stay? There were many long talks, crying, anger, blame towards her husband. I spent hours and hours of my own time and energy as the “go between” for both her and her husband, and eventually things returned to normal. After the experience of having been there for her – I thought she knew I was someone she could trust, but I was blind. I could not see that I had been living from my own lens. I saw her the way I’d been conditioned – high self-esteem, practical, non-judgmental. I mistakenly assumed she saw me the same way. WRONG. I’d projected who I thought she was as a friend based on my own conditioning. Initially I was confused reading her letter. I couldn’t understand what she was saying. It was so completely different from my own reality. My initial shock eventually turned to anger, disbelief and a hatred began welling up in me I’d never felt towards anyone. How could she think these things after what I’d been through with her situation? How could she not know me by now? I felt completely betrayed. What happened to being a friend? I had no clue that her idea of what a friend meant to her could be so different to mine. I couldn’t see how all along I had been enabling her victim mindset that aroused my sympathy to confirm her ‘right way‘. I looked back at so many situations in her life she had shared that confused me, and how badly I felt for her. That’s what she was looking for all along. It all made sense now! Are you accommodating anyone where you feel confused? Are you tolerating someone where you feel upset? These are places we need to move away from not stay in otherwise you will not be able to hear your own voice. We’d been drifting apart since I’d begun life coach training. She asked that I no longer share what I was now so excited about as she couldn’t contribute to the conversation (a red flag). I followed her wishes not wanting her to feel uncomfortable, but felt a growing sense of disconnection.  As I grew, our vibrations were growing further apart, but as long as she was happy doing what she wanted, which I’d continued to encourage and support – I assumed we were fine. Loving someone to me was wanting them to …

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Facing Disappointment..

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In our lives we will be facing disappointment. Something happens that doesn’t meet our expectations. Last week I faced one of those times as I sat with close friends in nervous anticipation of being aired on National TV for the first time on the OWN network..and then it happened. I wasn’t there. What happened? I did have this intuition, you might call fear that something wasn’t right and I might be facing disappointment. Perhaps it was not being able to picture myself sharing my story of betrayal that led to my message of living judgment-free on this new Life Story Project show amidst the more heart-wrenching stories I had seen on earlier shows. Because the host Andrea Syrtash was a fellow CTI coach we had connected, and the next morning an email came in from her:  “I saw last night’s episode and was bummed to see that you, and many others I interviewed weren’t in the final cut…just so you know, the first time I was booked to be on The Today Show in 2006, I announced it to the world and then was bumped at the last minute by Bill Clinton!” Lesson learned. What surprised me was this was an “Oprah show”, where 8,000 fans lined up to see her in Toronto (me included), and someone came around with a casting card requesting stories, which my friends grabbed, and handed to me! It took some time before I decided to write in, but as the deadline approached, I went with “there must be a reason”, then forgot about it. A few weeks later, I got a call & I couldn’t figure out who it was until she finally said “you sent your story in for a new show on OWN…” Oh yeah…she interviewed me over the phone, then “I’ll get back to you”. Am I really going to do this? Soon an email showed up: “CONGRATULATIONS…You have been selected to be a part of the new documentary television series on the TRUTH for OWN: Oprah Winfrey Network (Canada)!  We are thrilled and honoured to have you share your personal story and experience with us.” Seriously? Then came arranging the shoot, what to wear, meeting the producer, the crew – no where did anyone say “you might not be in the final cut”…had I known that tidbit of information I would not have “shared it with the world”, including our local newspaper!! It was in the fine print of the release form. I wrote to Andrea, and the producer sharing my disappointment, and what I felt was a lack of transparency – vital to business relationships. I received immediate apologies, and “I’ve strongly communicated your feedback to the team and asked that in the future, expectations are set more transparently for the people who take the time to share their amazing stories”. My friend commented, ‘wow, you handled it really well considering.’ It was out of my control, and obviously something I needed to learn. Sure it was disappointing, but afterwards we ended up having this amazing authentic conversation over wine, and yummy munchies (thx so much Brenda for hosting in your gorgeous home with the biggest couch I’ve ever seen). I ended up sharing my betrayal story in person and facing disappointment – it will be my next blog so stay tuned! It led to my friends sharing some of their personal experiences. The power of a judgment-free space! We created our own ‘life story project’: ) I do believe things happen for a reason, and when you see life this way, it’s much easier to let go and flow with the ups and downs, learning, and growing along the way. And, facing disappointment also becomes easier. A very special thanks to ALL OF YOU who continue to support me in watching, listening, and celebrating this journey. P.S. It helped getting an email today from JD Messinger “I just love your  video on creating a judgement free world. We are working on some programs..please stay in touch. I am particularly interested in you …”. It kind of made my day : )  

Guilt: Stopping the Self-Judgment

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Last week 17 friends joined me to watch Oprah’s life class discussing what many busy women juggling career, home and family are very familiar with: GUILT!!! It was a cozy, fun, connecting time, and I felt tremendously blessed to share the ‘Oprah ahas’ with such wonderful gal pals so they could experience their own : )   Here’s the thing, I don’t really suffer from guilt, so I asked myself, why? What am I doing differently? It’s not that I don’t feel torn working late while my children yell down to say goodnight, but as I try to finish that one last thing, rush upstairs to find them fast asleep, what I feel underneath my disappointment is a genuine sadness I missed the moment. I just don’t beat myself up. I accept some days won’t work out the way I want, and next time that ‘growing pain‘ will push me towards making those every day moments happen. I’ve trained my thoughts to deal with disappointment, and any hurt loved ones feel where I don’t allow my self-judging voice to creep in and sabotage my efforts. Our lives are filled with struggle – challenges, opportunities, and heartaches creating ups and downs. Along the journey I give myself the opportunity to learn, grow, expand where I’m constantly creating mostly ups by intentionally living my values to the best of my ability. That’s all I can do. Let go, and choose how I respond to life. Sure I make mistakes, but I don’t hold regret because I’ve learned to take responsibility for the choices I make without my ego coming in to torment me with ‘you should have…’ accompanied by blame, and punishment. I discovered how to love myself unconditionally – give to myself so I can give back to others. I stopped making myself wrong. Elizabeth Gilbert shares this idea in her wise, and funny  talk on self-forgiveness. I believe we all deserve to be loved, and it starts with self-love. Not selfishness but kindness.  Not sacrificing, but giving. Not pleasing others, but choosing to be authentic.Not intentionally disappointing others, but trusting your inner voice even if someone feels hurt. Make amends, apologize if necessary, and let go. There’s a destructive story we can believe that guilt is somehow ‘good’ for us. It keeps us in check to do the ‘right thing’. Not true. This thinking gives our ego permission to use guilt to condemn, punish, and abandon ourselves, keeping us stuck in shame, disappointment and regret.  Let go of your ego’s judgment of making you wrong, listening instead to the compassionate voice within you, and you will find the strength to forgive yourself. The pain of any mistake you later regret WAS the punishment that is now in the PAST so stop punishing yourself NOW. Take this opportunity to see the gift, learn the lesson, get more clarity on your values, and move on with more courage, strength, and determination to become the person you already are. Oakville & GTA friends – please join me for my new coaching series on Living Guilt-Free, Finding Forgiveness, and Speaking Your Truth. See here for details. P.S. My first National tv appearance on Oprah’s new “Life Story Project” airs in Canada on Wednesday February 6th at 9:30 pm EST where I share my personal story of “loyalty and betrayal” that led to my message of living ‘judgment-free’.  

Deepening Your Connections this Holiday

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Are you looking forward to spending time with your friends and family over the holidays? And, deepening your connections? Can you share what’s really going on in your life or is it mostly surface talk?     Last week I celebrated one of my favourite times of the year – our annual Xmas tea with my self-care sisters. The sandwiches are to die for (thank you Brenda!), homemade scones, shortbread, and jams..it’s over the top Yummy, but the best part? Spending time with friends where I get to BE ME. There is genuine laughter, tears, fun, sharing, and an indescribable feeling of love emotionally and spiritually that goes beyond the surface into vulnerability with a deep sense of caring,support, and championing each other. We share our struggles, and our celebrations. Our hopes, fears, and dreams. How do you create this level of connection with the people in your life? I didn’t always have these friendships, but it began when I started looking within, letting go of how I thought I should be, let go of the fears of what anyone thinks, and instead followed my heart into what I loved most, valued, and honoured for what matters to me. Here are some simple steps for deepening your connections… 1) Get curious about people. Notice their energy -is it negative and complaining? Notice your energy – is it negative and complaining? Let go of any of that energy within you first, and avoid people who choose to constantly criticize. It’s draining, and creates drama. 2) Hang out with people who are open, and non-judgmental. It will shift your energy to a higher vibration of love and connection, and attract people to you because when you stop criticizing and judging, you become someone people can trust – people feel safe with you because you accept them as they are. 3) Be genuinely interested in everyone. We all have what’s ‘really going on’, and what we tell people. Most don’t share deeply because we are to afraid to ask and sound ‘too personal’. Let it go. Most don’t share because no one asks. Ask, and you may be surprised at how deep a conversation will go. If they don’t want to share, they won’t. If they think you’re being nosy, their energy is critical, and you need to do step 1) avoid these people. This does work for ‘family’ too with the caveat that ‘social norms’ have been established, and the space is smaller to play in. There are ‘rules and expectations’ to follow unless you want to risk conflict so tread carefully..criticism and judgment tends to be strongest here, and you may choose not to want to face that. Family likes us to be ‘happy’ their way. Notice if you are critical of them, and let it go. Notice what happens. We ‘sisters’ chose a theme for 2013. For me its Focus with a balance between BEING and DOING. I used to be all about getting things done, and discovered I wasn’t living in the present moment. Then I shifted way over to BEING – massive personal growth, self-awareness, and huge transformation. I want to bring these together for 2013 to help people live more authentically in their relationships – just BE YOU. There’s such freedom here!! My ‘sisters’ chose simplicity, balance, staying grounded, and contribution. Any of these ring true for you?  Where are you now? Are things where you want them to be? What’s working and not working? What’s coming up for you that you want to put your attention on in 2013? Where your intention, and attention goes, energy flows, and things will flow to you in amazing ways. Try asking someone this holiday who you are genuinely interested in – what one word describes a shift you want to make in 2013?  Share how you are working on deepening your connections this holiday… P.S. If you haven’t seen my new video sharing my message of becoming judgment-free, please take a peek here  

The Art of Being in Gratitude

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Appreciation and being in gratitude. It’s so powerful. Why? It can instantly shift your energy to a higher state of being when you practice putting your attention on what you feel thankful for. It’s an instant “pick me up” that gets you into the present moment.  It does not just mean thinking mentally of the things you feel blessed to have. Being in gratitude is a practice of feeling into the experiences of what you desire, like, enjoy that you bring into your consciousness. The things you may be taking for granted. That you can you breathe without assistance, see, and listen. Move, and communicate your unique voice. The love of a partner, friends, children, colleagues. A beautiful home, your health, or career. Life is not about having things, it’s about the way you experience what you have. The easiest way to practice gratitude is to write down 5 things every day you feel gratitude for. Start a journal. The act of writing it down, and focusing your attention on what lights you up does something magical. There is power in the words. Your energy can shift in that moment to a place of BEING that feels good inside, and this energy you are now holding is being sent out . The kind of energy you send out comes back.  Writing is the starting point, but it’s not enough to simply think up things, and write the words on a piece of paper without slowing down to reflect and experience what the words mean for you. “BEING in gratitude” is the experience of giving thanks. Eventually it becomes a habit where your mind will notice almost automatically what you feel grateful for every day. Happier thoughts just show up, and you will begin to FEEL your life differently. Gratitude changes how you ARE with the people in your life, your connections deepen. It secretly focuses you on what you truly value, and helps prioritize. You begin to treasure who and what matters. You will say or feel “I love you” more because gratitude connects you back to the love within yourself. You may choose to come home to be with your family instead of taking that extra half hour to get more work done because earlier you wrote down how it felt to have a family who loves you, and it pulls you to leave. Feeling gratitude suddenly has you experiencing more of what you want in life. It can feel like a door opened, and things are flowing in the direction you want, only you didn’t have to work so hard to get it : ) Happy Thanksgiving! Make it a practice not just for this one time of the year, but every day. This holiday is really about celebrating the power of Giving Thanks because that is a gift in itself. “You are more alive, and receptive to the goodness that comes in your life when you begin to consciously look for things to be grateful for. What I promise you is that the spiritual dimension of your life begins to change, it opens up, it expands, and you just grow with it.” ~Oprah Life Class on Gratitude in Toronto, April 2012

Love Just Is

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Why I think Love Just Is… “What is sin? It is a sin to prevent Love from showing itself.” Paulo Coelho, The Witch of Portobello Just back from Mexico where our kids spent the week with their cousins endlessly laughing and playing in the hot sun of the Mayan Rivera delighted to discover all sizes of hermit crabs crawling along the sand, huge coloured fish swimming around their ankles, and iguanas that hung out with us at the pool. Then there were the coatis (“Brazilian aardvark”), and agouti (think over-sized cross between mouse/chipmunk) that would frequent our strolls along the winding resort pathways. My highlight snorkelling was seeing a giant sea turtle happily munching on sea grass, seriously it was GIGANTIC, and breathtaking. What I admit I love most about being on vacation (beach sunset & sunrise being close seconds) is reading with that space to devour a whole book from start to finish, which this time included “The Witch of Portobello.” Despite sales of over 100 million copies of his books worldwide, and having The Alchemist one of my top 10 of all time – I was still reluctant as I flipped from the back cover to the inside chapter headings. The title sounded ‘weird’, but also mysterious and intriguing. I felt that nudge of intuition to pick it up, and followed it. I did not expect the amazing journey I found myself on in its pages including a surprising twist, and that undescribable way Paulo’s brilliant writing resonates so deeply with our different personal journeys simultaneously. With the proposal deadline of my first book: Live the Love You Deserve: Imagine. A Judgment-Free World fast approaching, so much in this book helped me hear my own voice louder. These were just a handful of the gems: 1. A teacher is not someone who teaches something, but one who inspires the student to give of her best in order to discover what she already knows. As a coach, and mother, I inspire other’s best already within them – good reminder. 2. All great painters understand that in order to forget the rules, you must know, and respect them. The blank spaces are where the individuality, and spontaneity show up. As a writer learning to master this space between the words has been a challenge as I naturally ‘follow the rules’, (my left brain analytical side), but this is where our real gift of uniquesness lies – between the spaces. 3. You are what you believe yourself to be. Don’t be like those people who believe in ‘positive thinking’, you don’t need to because you know it already. Laugh at your worries, and insecurities. What I believe is so much more important than what I know, and what I think. Seeing myself from the lighter side without judgment helps me get out of my own way by slowing down, trusting myself instead of over-thinking, and knowing so much it blinds me. 4. Love is the feeling that transforms everything. Passion died out because you got used to each other. The earth gives only what it gave last year, neither more nor less. In the darkness of your souls, you silently complain that nothing in your lives changes. Why? Because you’ve always tried to control the force that transforms everything so your lives can carry on without being faced by any major challenges. This one hit home. We want to control love. It’s hard not to want security. But the desire to maintain love demanding ‘forever’ keeps us stuck until we realize it’s sharing our growth, and continual change that keeps love alive, flourishing, and passionate! We are afraid of change – fear stepping into the unknown of what our heart is calling us to follow. There is such comfort in the comfortable even when it’s not working. We don’t trust ourselves, but for those who are willing to know thyself (a never-ending journey) – the courage to dare experience love beyond the conventional is available, and more stable, and real than any love bound by rules. 5. Love fills everything. It cannot be desired because it is an end in itself. It cannot betray because it has nothing to do with possession. It cannot be held prisoner because it is a river and will overflow its banks. Anyone who tries to imprison love will cut off the spring that feeds it, and the trapped water will grow stagnant and rank. Love allows us the independence to grow into all of who we want to be. Belonging can feel like love, but it’s an illusion. There are no conditions to meet, no expectations to fulfill. No ego. No judgment of what love should be. Love just is. Happiness does not need to be found, but effortlessly follows love wherever it is expressed. What does love mean for you?

Oprah’s OWN Canada…

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Last week I taped my first National TV interview for Oprah’s OWN Canada scheduled to air this fall – a new truth documentary series exploring the human connection. Friends asked ‘how did that happen’? Ever since I stepped into following my heart, passion & purpose where I’d changed careers to become a life coach and author, I’ve noticed the whirlwind of synchronicities constantly happening. I’ve been transforming ALL my relationships to be more meaningful, authentic, and connected with my message of “BEING YOU” – sharing my vision for a judgment-free world. It’s required stepping back from some, letting others go, deepening existing ones, and attracting many others with similar energy!! I was standing in line with girlfriends to see Oprah live in Toronto last month – we get together monthly, and have the incredible judgment-free space to share authentically. Laugher and tears – memories for always. We had always talked about seeing Oprah together one day…so of course it happened!!   We left at 11:11 am – had lunch at 156 Front Street (111 for me), sat in the 11th row, and it was 11:11 pm returning home…11s is just one of the ‘spiritual signs’ I’d seen as a child letting me know I am on my ‘right path’, a reminder to slow down, pay attention, and listen to my inner voice. I was just prompted again with 11:11 writing this blog!! Someone from Oprah’s OWN Canada came by the 8,500 people waiting in line to ask if anyone had a story to share. My friends insisted I take the casting card & submit! The ‘sign’ of releasing my latest publication, a chapter in Pebbles in the Pond called “Finding Forgiveness” within weeks of Oprah’s life class topic that evening: Forgiveness, had me in that magic zone of listening to my intuition, getting into action, and trusting.  Sounded like “just send in your story – who knows?” Weeks later, the call came I wasn’t expecting – they wanted to interview me! Turned out to be a fun, casual experience – my amazing friend, and life coach Angela offered to drive me to the downtown shoot. We met the producer, and with a nudge from me, Angela ended up sharing her story too – we’re in the same episode!! I shared the painful experience that caused me to dive into understanding what it really means to judge someone.  A six page letter I received from someone I regarded as a true friend for over a decade. The words ‘right and wrong’ showed up everywhere – she was ‘right’, and I was ‘wrong’. “There is no right, and wrong, but thinking makes it so.” ~Shakespeare Jealousy, resentment, and judgment showed up so loudly in her words. False assumptions, and condemning thoughts she had kept hidden for months. I had no idea.  I wanted her to be happy, but we had been drifting apart since I began following my passions. After hearing her truth, I found myself judging her for judging me – felt resentment, anger, and betrayal because I was now attached to ‘being right’, and making her ‘wrong’. Underneath were real, raw emotions of shock, sadness, and disappointment. The moment I finished the letter for Oprah’s OWN Canada, I knew our friendship was over. We had grown too far apart. Our values weren’t the same. It taught me my message, how to speak our truth. I forgave her, she forgave me, and I walked away with a stronger trust in myself. Today I surround myself with people who are genuinely happy for who I am, and where I’m going, and vice versa – no competition, jealousy, meeting expectations of a “right or wrong” way. Letting go of judgment is the secret to healthy, happy, deeply connected relationships, and what it means to finally experience unconditional love. You can BE YOU, and allow others the freedom to be themselves. It’s what we all desire: to be seen, and heard for who we are, and why we’re here. “Be who you are, and say what you feel because those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind.” ~Dr. Seuss

How to Communicate Forgiveness Without Judgment

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Believe It: Learning to forgive and communicate forgiveness requires you to transcend your ego’s need to be right, and make someone else wrong. In releasing judgment, you will free yourself from the energy of resentment, betrayal, anger, and hatred, and create space to live the love you deserve. Be It: Release the illusion that forgiveness means: 1) You do nothing. 2) You let someone get away with destructive, or unloving behaviour with no consequences. 3) Saying sorry without taking responsibility. Embrace the reality that: 1) You have 100% responsibility for what you choose to say, be, and do. So does everyone else. 2) Everyone is doing their best at their own state of consciousness, and responds from this place. 3) You cannot change someone else, and can only be the change. Do It: 1) SEE others as a product of their conditioning looking through their lens to create their experience because that’s who you are. 2) Notice when you are thinking anyone SHOULD be and do the way you believe is ‘right’. Ask is it constructive or destructive to my values, and choose to stay, or let go. 4) Let go of the need to be right, and make others wrong. Embrace these words: High vibration energy of compassion and understanding I notice that….. Here’s how I’m feeling, what are you feeling? Are you open to hearing my thoughts and feelings around this? Are you willing to listen to my point of view? I know it may not be the same as yours. What do you want? I want…. What are you willing to do? I’m curious about… I’m feeling disappointed because my value is… This is what I am wanting for us… I’m not ok with…. I think/believe that…   Avoid these words: Low vibration energy of projection, judgment, criticism You never…. You always… You should… Why can’t you get that…. What’s wrong with you? Why or how can you not see that… I’m so disappointed that you… How could you…? I can’t believe you… Demanding an apology means you are still attached to being right and are not ready to communicate forgiveness yet. Feeling disappointed/sad someone doesn’t apologize for something that is destructive to your relationship is a genuine hurt reflecting you may not share similar values.  Say “I’m not ok with you not taking responsibility for (fill in destructive behaviour) that step on my values of…. ” Please check out my latest book: Pebbles in the Pond with transformational best-selling authors Arielle Ford, and Marci Shimoff  here!! My chapter is called Finding Forgiveness.

BEING YOU – My New Brand!

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As a teenager immersed in the forbidden love story of “The Thorn Birds”, I wondered, “do you have to experience pain to be truly happy”? I assumed people experiencing life issues were creating their own pain, and drama because they didn’t have the correct solutions. BELIEVE IT “The best is only bought at the cost of great pain..or so says the legend”. ~Colleen McCullough, The Thorn Birds Growing up in an unusually stable environment where self esteem, professional degrees, and getting results ranked high, I didn’t know what was beyond “harmony” where life wasn’t just about fixing problems, and accomplishing things though they gave me a certain degree of happiness. There was so much suffering, and drama in the world, and something in this legend seemed to hold a truth… “The bird with the thorn in its breast follows an immutable law; it is driven by it knows not what to impale itself, and die singing…one superlative song, existence the price. But we, when we put the thorns in our breasts, we know. We understand. And still we do it.” I began letting go of my social conditioning, took a hiatus from the media, followed my passion for writing, and understanding people, and eventually left a stable profession. I found myself the target of criticism, and judgment that tragically ended a few long-time friendships. It turned out to be my greatest gift. I claimed my life, found my purpose, transformed my relationships, became a coach, and author loving what I do. I stepped into discomfort, and questioned what I believed was right.  I switched focus from everything I thought was supposed to make me happy in my outer world, and listened to my inner voice, paid attention to my experiences, and the Truth found me. We are human beings, spiritual at our core – capable of experiencing sheer bliss, living on purpose, and love so exquisite it hurts. I finally understood the paradox that exists in everything – how pain and pleasure are magically intertwined to shift us forward. I couldn’t see how criticism, and judgment was feeding into who I thought I should be and do.  There are 2 faces of judgment – one stems from our ego (fear), and is the culprit responsible for much of the suffering, and drama we create, the other is our higher self (love) seeking to discern truth for our ultimate happiness. Beyond our ego/soul mind is Universal Spirit that is Truth, Peace, and All Knowing that we can reach in solitude. Our higher self may judge someone as untrustworthy. But go deeper, and we’re really discerning whether you trust someone’s words or actions will not hurt you for who they choose to be in the world. What do you experience as loving, and unloving, positive, and negative, constructive, and destructive? Our ego can take our judgment, (really discernment), attach to it being right, and project destructive energy to condemn someone to be wrong. This is the energy of self-righteousness, and what we mean by being judgmental. You can FEEL when you want someone else to suffer, when you feel entitled to an apology, when you condemn. What you give comes back tenfold. Be not judges of others, and you will not be judged: do not give punishment to others, and you will not get punishment yourselves: make others free, and you will be made free, Give, and it will be given to you.” ~Luke 6:37 When we criticize, and judge others, we create our own suffering, and prevent ourselves from experiencing the love we deserve. It doesn’t mean we do nothing, that we don’t take full responsibility for any destructive impact we create with our choice of words or actions. No one wants constructive criticism, what we may need, but may not be ready to hear is constructive feedback, not projections or well-meaning advice. Both positive and negative feedback can be helpful for our growth, but who wants to be criticized, or judged? It breaks the Universal Golden Rule of Compassion that we treat others the way you want to be treated. Giving constructive feedback sees everyone as a human being doing their best in any given moment. Receiving valuable feedback requires you not take what anyone says personally. Surrendering judgment transcends your ego so you can experience the freedom to be seen and heard for who you are. We strive to experience love unconditionally – an eternal love that dances back and forth connecting you to your Self, Others, and to the Divine. BE IT Do you have people in your life you can be yourself with? I mean really BE YOURSELF. Bare your soul. Be vulnerable. Play full out. Share your truth. The dreams you left behind. Your deepest darkest secrets… The freedom to BE YOU is enlightening, and sadly lacking in most relationships. Our inner critic makes us wrong with “I should be more careful” (as opposed to “I will choose to pay better attention next time”). Self-judgment is stronger “I am so stupid – why did I say that?” The condemning energy has a higher intensity. Think “pissed off” versus “self-loathing”. Judgment is hierarchical – you see someone as less, unworthy, worse. Steps to BEING YOU: 1. Let go of making yourself or others wrong – are you doing any of my 4 C’s of judgment? Correcting, Convincing, Controlling or trying to Change someone? Notice the difficult energy when you are in this space, and shift to understanding, modelling, teaching with compassion, and love instead of fear. 2. Be willing to be vulnerable with yourself, and others. Say I love you first. Allow yourself to make mistakes. The more open and authentic you allow yourself to be, the more you invite others to be true to themselves. 3. Practice living in the present with what is, not struggle to create what it should be, would be, or could be – this avoids blaming, and complaining, and fosters taking responsibility for your choices. Let go of your expectations of others for how they should be …

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Letting Go of Guilt

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The painful feelings of guilt show up when we are not living the values we want for ourselves or believe we should be following based on other people’s expectations, and beliefs. Guilt comes from our ego – the self-judgment we have towards our self not being good enough in some form. We’ve set a standard, or hold a belief we interpret as failure to follow or measure up.  It is our judgmental voice saying “you should have…” As Tony Robbins says: STOP “shoulding all over yourself”!! Notice when you hear yourself use the word should that leads to feelings of anger, shame, disgust, self-hatred, loathing.  It’s emotionally self-destructive, and energy draining. There is an illusion that guilt is ‘good’ for you. It keeps you ‘on track’, doing the ‘right’ things. Masochism justified. Step 1: Take a curious look at the thoughts you are choosing to think, and question where did this ‘right’ thought, belief, value come from? Is it serving your well-being? Simple example. You join a gym, pay for the annual membership, and don’t go consistently to make any significant improvement in your overall health. You feel guilty for wasting your hard earned money that has not produced the value you intended. Step 2: Believe that in every given moment you are being your best because that’s all you can ever be. Even though you’ve spent the money, not gone to the gym – that choice was your best in that moment. It may not have resulted in what you wanted. Take ownership over whatever choice you made including admitting if you’ve made a mistake without getting into “could have, should have, would have if only”. This thinking is of zero value NOW. Your power is in the present moment. What matters instead of making yourself wrong is WHY did I not make what I want to value (physical health) a priority? What NOW? Will you end the membership, get moving, or continue to not honour your desire for physical vitality? CHOICES are always available to you to shift into alignment with what you value. The easiest and most obvious reason is inconvenience. It disrupts your existing routine, and change feels uncomfortable. Not going to the gym is easier than going. Is there a way to make honouring your value of physical health easier? Self discipline is hard to sustain in the long run without building the foundation of values you are truly aligned with. Step 3: Intentionally connect to your VALUES. We forget our WHY, and try to do the action first. How did you imagine you’d FEEL if you got physically energized? How does it FEEL when your clothes fit better? Sleeping better, eating healthier? Wake up more energized.? Not tire out as easily in your day, and stay mentally focused longer? Not lose your patience as easily because you now feel energized physically? Why even bother? Step 4: What is YOUR WHY? Write it down, say it out loud, think about it when you initially drag yourself to the gym on your committed schedule..you mustBE committed by a connection to your value before you can DOor it will be extremely hard to create change. Every morning set the intention: “I am going to work out no matter what. I want to honour my value of physical health today. This is what I will do.” It pulls you toward what you want instead of you having to work so hard. Get an accountability partner – most of us find it easier to let ourselves down than someone else. Step 4: Create small, committed steps that are so EASY it’s hard not to do. We have a tendency to set up too big of a commitment thinking it’s ‘not good enough’ to just go once a week to the gym. They commit to 3 times/week, and when they do not follow through, they give up entirely. The all or nothing syndrome. Going from nothing to 3 times a week may be too much. Start for whatever is EASY for you. Up the ante when you’ve been honouring your easy commitment consistently. Guilty feelings applies to any value you are stepping on. Make sure the value is yours, and doesn’t belong to someone else. Is it your parent’s values or beliefs? Society’s norms? Religious laws? Sometimes letting go of guilt will require that you change your value because it is not in alignment with who you are, or what you believe. There is no right or wrong – there is only being true to who you really are: LOVE. When you stop making yourself wrong (let go of self-judgment) you are learning to love yourself enough to allow for mistakes, and will soon be on the road to being guilt-free. You will also end up experiencing morelove. (Note to Readers: I’ve begun writing for guest posts recently- please check them out, and share if they made a difference in your life!) Living Conscious Relationships on Lightworker’s World The Foundation of Love on Tiny Buddha Please leave your comments, and feedback!!