Carolyn Hidalgo

Are You Blaming, but Don’t Realize It?

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It is very hard to recognize when we are blaming someone, but easy to recognize if you are the one being blamed! Why is that? We naturally feel anger, and frustration when someone fails to say or do what we need or expect because we know what “rings our truth bells”. But when your sense of ‘right’ is being stepped on, how do you express your anger, hurt or disappointment? Are you calling someone a name or complaining about that ‘idiot’? Do you attack with accusations of who you think they are? Do you give the silent treatment holding resentment against someone for how they are choosing to be? You are needing to ‘be right’, and you are blaming. Blaming separates you from others. It shuts down meaningful conversation. Taking responsibility of the contrast you are feeling for what doesn’t resonate with you brings you closer to your authentic self. It’s the anger, hurt, and disappointment that belongs to you, and no one else that pushes you to stand up for what you believe to live true to yourself. You just can’t project it onto someone else. It’s easy to recognize when someone is blaming you because it feels like someone ‘doesn’t get me’ along with a pressure being imposed to change you with their “you should_____ or you need to _______” where their energy feels controlling, or condemning. Not to mention the yelling! Someone is trying to convince us of something we don’t feel, see or perhaps understand. They may try to correct your choices with what they think is right – giving you all that unwanted advice! We get so attached to being right that we cannot see beyond to the realization that every conflict is simply your way of seeing being different from my way of seeing. Blaming makes it someone’s fault for how you feel. It demands an apology believing someone caused your emotions, which arises because of who you are, and has nothing to do with how someone else decides to choose. What’s a True Apology? A true apology happens when you take responsibility for your thinking or actions because you believe you’ve done something wrong not what someone else believes was wrong (you don’t agree with), and they felt hurt! You may feel bad or ‘sorry’ that someone else is hurting because of what you choose, and feel compassion, but this is different from a sincere apology for your own misdoing that you want to learn, and grow from. Here’s the tricky part. You not only have to deal with others who may be blaming you, but they may be blaming themselves. They can’t hear you because all they need is your apology to confirm they are right. They want you to say “you are a good person” because inside they do not feel “good enough”. The ego has 2 sides when it blames. There’s an insecurity seeking approval that can appear ‘childlike’ having a tantrum, alongside an aggressive self-righteousness that can appear confident, and will be attacking. It’s the “I don’t need to listen to you! Who do you think you are?” with an underlying sense of despair for someone to rescue them from their own self-pity, and “poor me” victim mentality they cannot see. If you get confronted with someone’s ego, what is your first response? To run the other way! You will shut down, and stop sharing unless you are willing to face a battle. That battle may be worth fighting depending on who it is, and whether you feel they are ready to ‘hear your truth‘, (not necessarily agree), and whether you are ready to hear theirs. An opportunity for both sides to grow can now play out. Getting to the heart of any issue requires putting our self-righteous ego aside to not only get curious about what you are hearing, but noticing your own reaction. How might your own energy be pushing someone into defensiveness or silence, and keeping you both in despair, resentment or rage because now both of you are coming from your destructive egos? To manage your ego, take a hard look at the experiences you truly want, and look to those who model that. If you are having regular conflicts with many different people, or those you care about are walking away, chances are it’s your ego that is creating it, and you are likely blaming others. Check in with: Am I showing up from a place of love (compassion, empathy, curiosity, and understanding) or fear (condemning, controlling, convincing, or correcting) when things don’t go my way? Blame sounds like this: • “how can you think that way?” (something’s wrong with you) instead of why are you thinking that way? (curiosity) • “I don’t need to know what you think” (unable or not willing to listen) “because this is what I think, and I know I’m right” (self-righteousness) • “You didn’t cause me any pain and I’m good”, but their anger, running away, shutting down, inability to listen, and defensiveness indicates blame (they are in denial) • “I’m not as good as you are” or “you don’t accept me as I am!” (inability to show ‘weaknesses’ while going into the ‘child-like’ place of self-pity, and victimhood) When someone is blaming, there’s no space for authenticity. You will hit a wall. A shift has to happen away from blame to even get over to curiosity, and seeking to understand. Deep down blame stems from not feeling ‘good enough’ or ‘loved’, and seeking love outside of ourselves. We are missing a strong sense of self-love. It’s someone’s fault for not loving us now. We take it personally. It’s always them (blame), and never you because of x, y, and z. This is why we suffer, and get into drama. Pay close attention to your own energy whenever you are in conflict because once you can recognize when you are blaming, it’s the first step to not reacting if someone is blaming you, or trying to be authentic with you …

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How Do I Forgive the Unforgivable?

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How Do I Forgive the Unforgivable Recently I came across a free documentary called “Beyond Right and Wrong”. It addresses situations of unspeakable acts that are considered by anyone to be unforgivable. Do you have someone in your life you cannot forgive yet you’re still considering to forgive the unforgivable. The title immediately struck me because it’s how I began understanding what it means to judge someone – needing to be right where someone becomes wrong. I discovered holding this energy against someone will block your ability to forgive. Breaking the Myths 1) Forgiveness can feel impossible because it seems like we’re allowing someone to get away with something, and not take responsibility. Forgiveness does not condone destructive behaviour. 2) Learning to forgive stops the resentment of holding a grudge, but doesn’t mean you necessarily stop feeling the hurt from the ‘wrong-doing’. 3) Forgiveness doesn’t mean forgetting because we remember the emotional hurts we feel in our lives, just as we remember the emotional joys. Forgiveness moves your pain into a safe place where you can let go of blaming, and set yourself free so you can move on. Understanding how to forgive requires that you see beyond right and wrong to a place of consciousness where we are all connected, and allows you to make the distinction between the choice someone makes from their awareness versus who someone IS. Every person is a soul with a body, and a mind with their own free will. It’s the one right you don’t want to ever let go of: the freedom to choose what to say, think, believe, and how to act. Some will choose unwisely in ways that won’t make sense to you, but this is their learning for their life based on their level of consciousness. We all make mistakes that reflect our level of awareness. How others choose is out of your control. When we hold a grudge, we mistakenly think we should have control over what other people choose. What Prevents Forgiveness The main belief that prevents forgiveness is: “it’s your fault I feel this way, and you should have ________ my right way.” We believe it so strongly that it blinds us into feeling someone “did this to me”. You give away your power, and become the victim of what someone else chose. We are each born with a given set up capabilities, and are socialized to believe what is right and wrong. No one thinks “I am wrong” before they do anything. Some may think “this is wrong, and I don’t care”, but even these people think “I am right” in ways they will justify. When We Believe People are Wrong When we believe people ARE wrong, (as opposed to the choices are wrong for you), we blame them for how we feel. Our soul is whole, and when we are connected to our highest consciousness we act from pure LOVE to make loving choices. It’s when we move away from this place towards fear, and insecurity that we can no longer see each other’s human frailty to realize we all make mistakes, but we’re only responsible for the ones we make, not the ones other people make! Those are their lessons to learn. Whoever you need to forgive — try to see them as a child trying to find their way. Imagine them in a different world from the one you experience. Do you notice how their upbringing, understanding, and experiences have created the realities in their life? Can you see the patterns of any fear in the form of pride, competitiveness, jealousy, judgment, unworthiness, and insecurity? It’s difficult to see the angle of someone’s inner world to understand why they make certain choices that are not working for you. Whatever someone has ‘done to you’ is coming from a place within them that is separate from who you know yourself to be. That’s why you are upset, perhaps feeling betrayed, and hanging onto ‘they should have..’, and ‘how could they?’ Their ‘wrongdoing’ provides a valuable contrast of who they are choosing to be in your world. They cannot see from their perspective what you are seeing from yours otherwise they would have chosen your way! To Steps to Finding Forgive the Unforgivable 1) You are a soul that has been given free will to choose what matters, and works for you. 2) Any pain you feel belongs to you, and is coming from what you value. 3) Take 100% responsibility for how you are responding from who you know, and trust yourself to be by letting go of the lie “you did this to me”, which makes you the victim of someone else’s choices. 4) Understand that everyone chooses from the place of their own sense of ‘right and wrong’ that works for them even if it ends up hurting you. 5) You have no control over how other people choose, just as you would not want anyone to control how you choose. 6) Recognize that how anyone chooses reflects their upbringing, socialization, and experiences that you cannot ever fully see from their perspective, and why we often think “how could you think that or behave that way?” 7) If you could see what was inside their body, mind, and soul – you could probably understand, but not necessarily agree with their choices, and this allows you to shift towards compassion. 8) Look for the lesson in the pain you are feeling – what did you learn about this person? About yourself? What part of this (if any) was my responsibility where you need to forgive yourself for making a mistake? 9) Step into gratitude for this opportunity to grow yourself, and feel more connected to what matters to you. 10) Trust that something bigger is available when you can forgive that will open up something you least expect. Conclusion When you realize the faulty paradigm of making someone wrong – judging another person – is what blocks our ability to forgive, …

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Can You Hear Me?

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I was at Starbucks the other day, and couldn’t help overhearing a conversation between 2 young lovers having a heated conversation sitting just a few feet away. The woman was trying to tell the guy why she ‘needed some space to think about things’. The guy was not happy asking in an angry tone “what happened? can you hear me? It’s fine for 6 months, and the last 2 days it’s no longer fun? What’s going on?” In his frustration he communicated there was something wrong with her, and he needed an answer now. She tried to explain how the little things were HUGE for her. I could sense her trying to be playful mixed with the discomfort of attempting to ease the blow. I could also tell he wasn’t listening. There was a complete disconnection between these 2 people, and I wanted to jump in and say “you are not hearing each other! Do you care about each other? Are you willing you take a moment, and express what you’re really feeling?” Do You Hear Me? Here’s how you can do this. If you start with “when I hear you say ________ or I watch you do ________ , I feel ________, and what I want you to understand is ________ because _________ is what matters to me.” Then wait for a response and listen to see what was heard. You could ask “Do you see what I’m saying? Do you hear me? Please tell me what you just heard.” I’d get each one to be silent when the other was talking focusing their attention on “what is this person wanting me to understand?” not “here’s what your problem is _______”. I think about the difficult conversations I’ve had with my husband, my children, friends, and family where we are not hearing each other, and how I’ve had to slow down, notice my emotions taking over, pay attention to the words, and tone I’m using. When a discussion is escalating nowhere fast – both of us are often coming from our ego’s fear of needing to be understood and we’re unable to listen to what’s happening in someone else’s different world. If I’m needing to convince, or control someone, I’m attached to them getting me, instead of me understanding where are they coming from first. I can’t acknowledging their hurt, anger or frustration because I don’t get why. Once they feel understood, there’s more space to share my truth. Here’s the tricky part I’ve been learning the hard way: there can be a gap not just in how we communicate, but what is able to be heard from someone else’s experience without judgment, or criticism showing up on the other side. If someone’s response is going to be attacking you with insults, rage, defensiveness, contempt, or taking you personally, does it make sense to even share your truth? What good would come of it? Sometimes there’s no place for what you see to land safely because there’s a lack of capacity to not react poorly.  Compassion, understanding and patience is no where to be found. At this point, you choose: is it healthy for my own well-being to push through the rising conflict? There’s only a possibility for you to grow together if you can both get safely to the other side. If you try to engage with someone’s ego that is condemning you, no matter how you show up, nothing will get resolved. If your ego shows up to protect you in defensiveness, the conflict will escalate further into drama. Think of it as meeting someone by matching their “vibe of self-love”. You can adjust yours with them, but you can’t change theirs to meet you because only they have control of the love they feel within themselves. Only they know what they know. Giving them more than they can receive can backfire because you will have expectations based on what you give. And, that doesn’t match how they see themselves so they will push you away. “LOVE IS THE ABSENCE OF JUDGMENT” ~Dalai Lama This revelation was both the most painful, and most enlightening realization. Giving unconditional love to someone may not be available when they cannot give it to themselves. Sometimes walking away, or not sharing everything is the compassionate approach. With children who don’t know how to express their emotions appropriately, all they need is to be seen. And acknowledged “I can see that this is hard for you, did you want to share what’s upsetting you? I’m going to give you some space.” If you punish children – get angry at them instead of giving them appropriate consequences to teach them correctly. Their egos will also push back into tantrums, shutting down, and you’ll miss the opportunity to connect authentically. Here’s what I practice in those difficult conversations as a wife, friend, mom, and as a coach.. 1) Am I being critical with generalizations that make someone feel wrong where I am blaming “you always, you never…why are you so…you don’t care about me” 2) Am I being judgmental with “how could you think…”in a sarcastic manner, or holding condemning thoughts eg. you must be stupid, disgusting, selfish, incompetent. 3) Am I being defensive with “I did this because you ___.” when I don’t agree with that way in the first place, or “Yes, BUT you ___” instead of focusing on what’s not working for me, and listening to what’s not working for them. Do I accept that what someone is saying, thinking or doing is their perception, and I’m not making up stories about them based on what I don’t like? 4) Am I stone-walling with avoidance, changing the subject or giving the silent treatment with an intention of disapproval to make the other person feel wrong so they will agree with me? Relationship expert John Gottman called these the 4 horseman: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stone-walling that will end a relationship. Contempt (‘judgment’ that condemns) was the #1 predictor that will …

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Want Healthier Conflicts?

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People say and do things that can create a lot of hurt, frustration, and pain in our relationships. I’ve often wondered ‘how can someone do that. Why can’t people have healthier conflicts? Think that? Behave that way? What’s wrong with them?’ On one hand, we need the contrast to know what doesn’t work for us, but feeling perpetual anger, resentment or disappointment isn’t healthy. Changing someone else isn’t possible, (unless it’s something they want too), so how do you make the shift necessary to manage your own pain? There’s a wide range of how we respond to others’ choices we find disturbing, draining, destructive or otherwise unhealthy. How to Know If You are NOT Having Healthier Conflicts go into denial, and distract yourself by keeping busy, and hope somehow the issue will resolve itself? bury your feelings while rationalizing why someone must have the problem or there’s something wrong with you? say nothing telling yourself “I’m choosing my battles” that may be silently communicating “I’m ok” with this”? justify why it’s ok (“I can’t change them, they don’t understand” etc.) even when it goes against everything you believe? complain to others, or gossip (“can you believe that, who does she think she is, I have to tell you about…where your frustration or pain is a source of entertainment at the expense of someone”)? feel sorry for yourself, and seek others to validate or justify your pain? feel ill-equipped to express your real thoughts or feelings, and either don’t know what to say or fear it will just escalate the situation? choose to sacrifice (give up what you want or express how you truly feel) perhaps rationalizing with “I should be giving and kind” or “its not a big deal for me”, but you feel drained, angry or more distant? The 4 C’s to Create Healthier Conflicts Or are you doing any of the 4 C’s… CORRECTING or trying to CONVINCE with criticism where someone feels wrong, and they jump into angry defensiveness or stony silence? CONTROLLING or CONDEMNING with judgment where someone feels inferior, unworthy compared to you, and they go into fighting mode, despair, or hatred? Which behaviours do you recognize in yourself? Who do you find yourself behaving these ways with? All these behaviours during conflict keep you disconnected from your authentic self, and in unhealthy conflict. There may be a sense of ‘harmony’ (avoiding conflict), or battles (erupting conflict) where your connections will become either ‘surface-dwelling’ or filled with drama that end up requiring hard work to maintain your happiness. The most difficult concept to recognize when it comes to creating healthier conflicts is BLAME. Somehow we find a way to put the responsibility of how we feel upon someone else. It’s ‘their fault’ where it feels like someone has done something to us, or owes us. They should know better, they should not be so________, what the F$^#? (pardon my language) – you get the point. We end up separating ourselves. The resulting anger, hatred, and pain you now carry can have your energy creating unnecessary stress, depression, or an inability to function. The blame may be towards yourself – it’s ‘my fault’, and now your self-worth takes a blow of ‘I’m not good enough’. This can lead to feelings of low self-esteem where you end up sacrificing your own inner voice regardless of the confidence you may have with others. Follow the Middle Ground There’s a ‘middle ground’ (things are never black and white!) where you stay ‘neutral’ – neither taking responsibility or blaming. Sitting on the fence wading around your conflicts where you cannot move forward. The same issues keep repeating themselves where you feel stuck or things stay ‘on the surface’ without growth (the secret to deeper connection). You may feel like something’s missing, or you’re accommodating or settling. I’ve heard many say “I’m not blaming”, but they are unable to see it in themselves. They are hurt, and devastated, and in their words is the evidence: “They need to understand me. They need to know this is not ok with me. Why are they not apologizing to me for what they did? They can’t see that…” Notice the energy here of “it’s their fault I am hurting”. It’s more about how someone else needs to change to make you feel better. “Maybe by ignoring them or punishing them, it will teach them a lesson!” Blame will backfire against you. It differs from “I understand how this person is behaving, and it is not ok with me based on my values.” You will not need to demand an apology because once you “let go” of that need to fix, control, or resist the other person, something in you shifts. There’s a recognition that people are simply ‘being who they are’, and by you moving into “acceptance” (peace within), the dynamics between you will change. Doesn’t mean you will necessarily agree with someone else’s choices, and if they are destructive to you – there’s lots of options on how to move forward. You can stop sharing so much, walk away, speak your truth allowing someone to be angry, sad or upset accepting its about them not you. I remember hearing once “when people show you are they are – believe them!” Actions do speak louder than words. Promises of “OK – from now on I will never…!” in a heated argument are defensive with little substance. When someone treats you in a way that doesn’t work for you – instead of thinking ‘how can they do that to me?’ Notice – wow, they CAN do that, and you’ll soon discover it will not only be towards you. So take a deep breath, slow down, and notice ‘what did they do, and what did they say’? Are they justifying? We tend to project who we are onto the people we love because we expect them to get us, but often it’s us who cannot see them clearly. This leads to disappointment by what others …

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The Secret to Loving Without Conditions

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The other week I was having a conversation with a dear friend I haven’t spoken to in years. She confided that she felt guilty sometimes after reading my blog believing she wasn’t loving without conditions, and thought of herself as a B#*^H! My heart sank, and I was SO appreciative she was willing to share her true feelings. This one is dedicated to her : ) Loving without conditions. Is it possible? There’s a silent consensus that says we cannot love unconditionally. As humans we are not capable of it. Here’s what I believe is possible when it comes to what I prefer to call loving freely that seems to elude a lot of us because of the confusion around what conditions we are talking about. Inevitably people’s choices (yes the people we claim to love) can really piss us off! Their behaviour and/or their thoughts are enough to send us off the deep end. The last feeling we have is love. Do you struggle with how you’re supposed to look past these ‘conditions‘, and still love them? How do you let go of what irritates, angers, saddens, and disappoints you on a regular basis to hold onto the love you wonder sometimes hasn’t up, and left? We try to ‘be good’, and do what’s ‘right’, and can beat ourselves up with guilt, shame, and a struggle to connect with that love we know exists. Part of the secret to “loving unconditionally” lies in understanding a critical distinction. What we choose to do, think, and say is different from who we are. We are each unique souls with our own free will, and not everything someone else chooses is going to jive with us especially when they are coming from fear (ego). If you want to spend time with their energy (their love and fears) in an ongoing relationship,  being in your own peace will involve finding a way to ‘accept‘, but not necessarily ‘agree with‘ what doesn’t work for you. To further complicate matters, the constant in our lives is change. We are moving, growing, seeing things differently through our individual, and collective experiences.  The pace, and way we expand our awareness may not be aligned with someone we love. It’s how our children teach us the most. The gap of ‘growth’ is wide – their souls are dependent on you to become independent. In our closest connections this is also the ‘goal’ – to have the freedom to both love, and be independent at the same time. Do you notice how allowing your child to just be who they are (let your own attachments go) opens up the love? The conflicts we face in our connections with others are twofold. There’s an inner conflict with ourselves of what we long for, and an outer conflict of ‘the way’ other people show up we are not OK with. In every difficult experience, there’s an opportunity that presents itself to ask – what is really upsetting, angering, saddening or disappointing me? It will point you to 3 areas: 1. Your upbringing/conditioning/programming of ‘what’s right’ in your world – “the rules” you follow that may or may not be serving  you. eg. I was brought up hearing ‘what’s wrong with you, how can you not know that?’ I have a strong tendency to be in this critical ‘correcting’ energy with my children (especially when helping with homework). I need to be mindful of my thoughts (you should know that!), and lack of patience.  Sometimes I apologize (take responsibility) so they know the frustration I’m having is not with them, it’s with me : ) 2. Your values for what matters to you. What you live by no matter what anyone else thinks – ‘your true self’. These develop over time, and can evolve depending on your experiences. e.g. I didn’t always value authenticity at the level I do now, but today it’s one of my highest values. If I cannot be authentic in a relationship, I will do my best to create the space for it, but I notice myself naturally letting go or being drawn to others depending on the level of authenticity present. If I have to wear a mask with someone, I won’t even bother. What’s the point? 3. Your needs based on how you have been growing towards love or away from love (ego). The more compassion you have with your self (self-love), the more you will desire that same compassion from others. When you live from fear, you’ll send out that energy (neediness, approval, control), and that will define your love with others. Complainers attract complainers, those who need control struggle with those who don’t, and those seeking approval constantly battle within themselves not feeling ‘good enough’ – attached to external appreciation. We tend to focus on the ‘conditions’ we don’t like, and try to like them in the name of love. We’ll put up with, settle, accommodate, bury, deny, avoid…even when our inner voice is screaming “this is not working for me!” It’s not who we are, it’s not what we would choose. We have a lot of difficulty being authentic – saying to someone we love “when you say or do______, it makes me feel_______. This is not working for me, and here’s why.” We may fear the outcome, not want to be disappointed, be uncomfortable with confrontation. You may not trust what you truly feel in favour of pleasing someone believing this is the way to be loved. There’s the fear of being alone, abandoned, unloved, not good enough that motivates us to create what isn’t love at all. It’s more like attachment, security, ownership, and control. When BOTH sides can hold a compassionate intention that is open, curious, non-judgmental, an opportunity to grow together in love shows up no matter how messy it gets. Facing head on each other’s opposing differences while staying clear of blame, defensiveness, control, and resentment created by “I am right, and you are wrong” will finally get to the heart of any conflicting issue. It is not easy, …

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What’s Inspirational is in the Connection…

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How Connections Help… I used to get inspired by what people could do. What was accomplished. The results. How can I do that? What did I need to learn, and what work did I have to do? These days I recognize that what inspires me is the connection. I feel that people’s accomplishments shift the spark inside me, calling me forth to move so I can BE more fully who I already am. I didn’t used to listen to my inner voice where I now feel a stirring within because I was so focused externally on what I was supposed to do. And boy could I get a lot of stuff done from that place – go go go! But there was a longing I couldn’t quite put my finger on. Our external world can give an appearance that you ‘have it all’, but underneath do you: really miss the ones you say you love? cherish moments deep in your soul with those who matter? laugh so hard with friends you can hardly breathe? cry with friends who really ‘get you’? wake up excited to start your day filled with a sense of gratitude? share deep passionate intimacy that doesn’t require external circumstances like being on vacation, funky toys or because it’s been so long? Visit to Buy Art Not Kids Recently I attended an art auction called Buy Art Not Kids – paintings going for thousands to support the prevention of human trafficking where children in Cambodia are sold as sex slaves.  A horrific heartbreaking tragedy arising from effects of the Communist regime genocide from the ’70’s. I was inspired. Now planning, and in talks to create a local event in my neighbourhood with a few friends with our children’s artwork combined with music, and dance talents to support a children’s cause. It’s all magically coming together… I’d been thinking for a long time how to involve my children where they could make a difference with their gifts. Truly understand, and feel the plight of other children instead of me just showing them in books, and on tv.  We’ve attended a few charity events, and hearing the stories, connecting with people, seeing firsthand what’s being done on bigger scale really gets me going. Passing on that message to our children to know we are here to help those who cannot help themselves. Compassion, giving, sharing our gifts, having fun, and building deeper connections together. What do you absolutely love to do? What gets you excited, and feeling awesome? Who’s with you? What qualities do you most admire? What experiences do you secretly long for? When you have a connection to what you most value, you will be inspired to move in that direction, and your entire life flows in ways that can be divinely inspired because the fragment within you is lighting up, and connects us all. P.S. My twin girls artwork (created last year at age 11 – there’s a sign with my 11’s!)  may end up being auctioned.  Leah is left-handed, and more “right brain” – creative with her song-writing, singing, and playing guitar. Makayla is right-handed, and more “left brain” – organized, logical, loves to read, play piano practicing until it’s perfect. It shows up in their art – can you tell which belongs to who? And yes, they are identical twins, but unique souls : ) If you’re interested in attending our first children’s art charity event here in Oakville, please let me know, and I’ll be sure to forward you the invitation!  

The Secret to Managing Conflict: Are You Hurt or Blaming?

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When we hurt – our emotional reactions can take us over where the pain is so overwhelming we can’t think straight, and start behaving in ways we don’t recognize as ourselves. Anger, frustration, confusion can be mixed with a spiralling downward that leads to an unhealthy place. The same pain can also be our greatest guide. The key is distinguishing your authentic HURT versus where you are masking BLAME. When someone doesn’t get what matters to you (usually our partners), it can drive you crazy, make you upset, feel disappointed. It could be as simple as the tone being spoken is disrespectful. It’s not so much what’s said, but how they say it. The way the dishwasher is stacked is not so much about how dishes are situated, but the impact of what happens as a result, and who has to deal with the outcome.  How someone refuses to ask for directions can be a battle between someone’s fear of showing ‘weakness’, or needing control, and a desire to just get to the damn destination already. How you manage the pain (as hurt or blame) in your conflicts will determine whether they bring you closer or tear you apart. When my husband forgets to do something I’ve asked several times, or treats me in a way that lacks consideration, I feel hurt, sometimes even abandoned. I start thinking he must not care, doesn’t love me the way I love him, can be selfish. In short – he is doing something ‘not ok’ for me, and should know better. This thinking has me blaming him for how I feel – my hurt, anger, frustration, or disappointment is his fault. It shows up in my tone, and expressions of ‘how could you not remember? How could you not get that….’ I’m in a state of ‘what’s wrong with you?’ against some way he’s chosen to be. It immediately sends him into ‘self-blame’, and automatic apologies that aren’t genuine. Occasionally there is defensiveness to justify his behaviour, which only escalates the conflict. He just wants to stop the pain he is now feeling, and there is no real resolution to the actual issue. It can go as far as him going into despair that has no opportunity to heal where I am now the cause of his pain. Instead when I tap into my own hurt, what’s really bothering me is something deeper. His forgetting means what I’ve said several times didn’t register with him otherwise he would remember next time or genuinely apologize without me telling him to! We don’t live from the same ‘inside perspective’ where what matters to me, matters to him. If I can’t identify exactly what’s bothering me, he doesn’t have an opportunity to discuss whether that value is something he wants to shift, disagrees with, or even understands so nothing changes. He doesn’t get me. He’ll forget to tell me when he has to work another week in the U.S. because he gets very focused on getting things done, and doesn’t seem to remember his work schedule affects me. He doesn’t separate the whites, but wants to help me with laundry. He forgets to call me when he decides to pick up groceries to see what I need. I’m grateful that he is dedicated, helpful at home AND there are things that aren’t working for me I need to communicate. When I can share my genuine hurt, I recognize my own feelings belongs to me because of who I am inside. Any anger, frustration, and often disappointment – all belongs to me for something I value not being met. How can it be someone else’s fault for who I am? Any pain I’m feeling comes from my own sense of what’s right for me, and how I would behave in the same circumstances that isn’t happening. So when my husband forgets to call from the grocery store – it still bothers me. He travels about 80% of the time so being a virtual single parent to our 3 kids while juggling my own career, an unnecessary trip to the grocery store makes a difference. What hurts is a lack of consideration for my time. It feels disrespectful that he doesn’t bother to call me. I’ve made it a rule “no matter what – whenever you are at a grocery store, just call me”, but he still forgets sometimes. I do remind him, and when he doesn’t remember I have to remind myself ‘he’s just being who he is.’ It’s not intentional. It still bothers me because my time is valuable to me, but my practice is letting go of any blame. When my time becomes valuable to him, that’s when it will change. Until then I have to accept this is ‘how it is’, and he’s doing his best. We can move in the same direction because he agrees it would be better to avoid a second trip to the grocery store, and he wants to value my time. Sometimes he’ll offer to go back out again for what I needed, which is now his time! Slowly things move in the direction I need them to go where our shared value: respect for each other’s time is being honoured. We all have expectations, which are really just ways we want other people to be based on our own moral codes of conduct. Until you can see each other’s different ‘right ways’ for what they really are, there is no hope to align yourselves in a way that allows you to grow together. It’s a bumpy ride when you speak what matters to you, and can get really messy because the blaming gets mixed with genuine hurt, and blocks what’s underneath. But as you begin to separate these what really matters comes into focus, and you can let go of the blaming. Your genuine hurt are the emotions that connect you back to who you are however painful. Feeling these empower you to stand up for what …

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Are You Judging Someone?

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Are You Judging Someone? This is the question I am asked most frequently: “am I judging someone if….”? The vision I have for a judgment-free world began when a long-time friend I trusted judged me. I felt such a painful sense of betrayal. It taught me how to speak my mind without making someone wrong that I shared here on Tiny Buddha. At the time, I went through a range of intense emotions that began with confusion that quickly turned to anger. As I sat with the attacks I felt thrown at me, the anger turned to hate. A feeling I’d never felt towards anyone in my life! I wanted NOTHING to do with her ever. It was a feeling I honestly had never experienced before. What I didn’t realize was that this divisiveness was coming from my own judgment! Don’t we all need to judge? When your experiences lead you to believe, conclude, have an opinion, or make an assumption or an assessment about someone ..let’s say greedy, selfish, unkind, disrespectful – isn’t this judging someone? Some argue a resounding yes! But – is it? We all have our own experience, perspective, viewpoint or opinion.  We’re free and need to have our own thoughts about someone – positive and negative. There’s value in developing the skill of determining among other things who you want to surround yourself with, or who you may be better off avoiding all together! Your ability to judge or what I prefer to say – discern someone’s character is a worthwhile endeavour : ) So what do I mean by judging someone? Why would you even want to live judgment-free? Let’s talk about ‘good’ judgment, and ‘bad’ judgment – yes I’m ‘judging’ the word judgment to make a point! ‘Good’ meaning judgment that is helpful or valuable for wise decisions including your personal assessment of someone. ‘Bad’ meaning judging someone where you hold intentional thoughts that are destructive because you put someone down (see as inferior) leading to divisiveness, hatred or blame. When you judge someone as bad or negative with a thought like “my in-laws are selfish, or disrespectful for not spending enough time taking care of their aging parents”, what do you notice about the energy you are holding against your in-laws? Doesn’t feel good, right? Why? Because it’s not how you would care for your aging parents. This negative thought is true for you, and stepping on a value you honour, which you feel is wrong in your view. Your definition of right implies a certain way of giving (your value) that’s not being met so it bothers you. But there may be another energy here that’s self-destructive. What’s also may be angering you is how someone else is choosing. Their ‘bad choices’ creates condemnation or contempt in you towards them. This is the insidious energy of judgment that is blinding. The Confusion around Judgment It’s often believed that judging someone means “thinking, saying or feeling anything negative about anyone”. You’ll hear this alot. If you have nothing nice to say, don’t say it, but it’s more than what you say. So I disagree. You will experience genuine emotions for what matters to you. Your ‘negative emotions‘ (anger, frustration, distain or disgust) gives you the contrast to know what’s not in alignment for choices consistent with your values. Being true to yourself helps establish your personal code of conduct for how you will treat, think, and feel about others, and yourself. ‘Good judgment’ becomes ‘bad judgment’ (meaning destructive or unhealthy) when we take those negative thoughts and emotions, and attack someone for how we feel something is right (silently or otherwise). Judging someone is like a weapon you hurl towards someone’s heart. It creates separation breaking down any hope of effective communication, and it will move to destroy your relationships including the one with yourself. Judging someone where you choose to condemn (threaten), or control (demand)  by imposing your thinking into a should for someone else becomes a problem for all of us. This is where anger and disgust about something is now being directed into hate, disdain, and contempt against someone. It’s how we become divisive, and someone becomes “the other” or “enemy” that justifies our blame, hate, frustration –  toxic energy you will be holding. Now you are’judging someone in a way that’s harmful not just against someone, but also against yourself. You become self-righteous. Judging someone will bring on resentment, bitterness, and you will not be able to find forgiveness here. You will now behave with punishment, defensiveness, yelling at someone and treating others in ways you wouldn’t want to be treated. Underneath, there’s a Condemning or Controlling energy you may be holding you can recognize with your ‘shoulds‘: “My in-laws should be more giving, otherwise they are bad, inconsiderate, selfish people. These thoughts will creep in: “How could they be so unsupportive of their own parents?” “What’s wrong with them?” Do you notice the problem when we think this way? We make someone wrong with our energy based on our right way. We demand that what’s right for us must be right for someone else. It’s a blind spot. You no longer maintain responsibility for your negative thoughts, and emotions – you take it a step further, and impose them in a destructive way onto someone who should be “some way” according to you. If they do not follow your “right way” – they become inferior in your mind. The stronger your judgment, the less human someone becomes to you. Who are you to judge by putting yourself in a superior position? In your mind, it’s now someone else’s fault for not following your ideals. None of us can ever live in someone else’s entire experience of being to really know what’s going on inside, and their choices are their responsibility, not ours. Notice this also works for judging someone positively where we can impose generosity, kindness, respect upon people putting them high on a pedestal above us. We can make someone superior to us, and may see ourselves as inferior or less than the other. It’s where we make destructive comparisons, and self-judge, which is the root of feeling not good enough.  What Happens When You Judge …

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Why It Is OK to Lie Sometimes, and Still Have Trust

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“Trust is not necessary when you don’t want or need anything”…from someone else. ~Neale Donald Walsh Myth: Trust is about always being honest. Truth: Trust is about being honest, and in alignment with yourself where you don’t feel shame or guilt. I grew up believing you must always tell the truth, but as I began a path of self-discovery where I honoured what matters to me instead of trying to meet other people’s expectations, needs, and desires I learned the hard way you don’t always have the space to share what’s true for you. Not everyone wants you to be happy your way – they want you to be happy their way.  Their ego can show up with criticism (finding fault with you based on their perspective) or judgment (contempt, blame, anger), and you have to decide: do I trust myself? I strive to hold the highest intention of love (goodness) for myself and others. The most difficult problem we face in our relationships is that each of us is on our own path longing to be true to ourselves. We end up brushing up against each other along the way. Elizabeth Gilbert describes this path to happiness in our relationships in this 2 minute clip where her underlying guidance is generate your own warmth (self-love) to avoid stabbing each other : ) Trust goes beyond having to share everything with each other – it’s trusting that the intention anyone holds towards you comes from a place of love, and not fear. Fear says “you have to tell me everything”, but love says “I trust whatever you choose to share with me is all that I need to hear.” When you find those who love you unconditionally (who don’t criticize, or judge you), there’s space to be completely authentic even with those who may disagree with you. Its not about lying to hide any shame or guilt (if that’s the case you are lying to yourself), it’s about understanding whether a freedom exists to share what you know is aligned with your own well-being. How People Who Trust Themselves Live Authentically Have you noticed how few people live authentically following their own heart because they trust themselves? You may find yourself having to ‘break the rules’ someone made up. It’s not easy, and can be very painful. These are growing pains that can lead you to true happiness, that most tend to avoid. Sometimes what comes back will be anger in the form of blame, self-righteousness, and hatred that you have now created by ‘speaking your truth’. When this happens, you will be able to see very clearly what’s true for you in the contrast, and what’s true for someone else to know which way to turn – away or towards. So how do you live by your own truth? You tread carefully. One close friend advised to share in ‘baby steps‘ — a little medicine at a time. It’s not ok to step on someone else’s spiritual path so you can get relief of any dissonance you feel needing to be authentic when you can see your truth will only have someone’s ego or unawareness work against them, and against you. Some are not ready to hear your truth, and it is not your responsibility to force it upon anyone. We do not necessarily grow at the same rate or in the same ways. Beyond the right and wrong of “lies” sometimes calls for not sharing your ‘whole truth’ where a deeper trust – a love you hold stands stronger. We do this when you tell a child who suffers from low self-esteem that her artwork she is delighted to show you is “beautiful” not because you think it is, but because she is beautiful, and that’s the extent she can receive, and may need to hear. What you notice when you see past any definition of ‘beauty’ – is a deeper truth, that whatever she creates is beautiful because it came from her. If she had higher self-esteem you might say I love the effort you made, remark on what you did like, and ask if she wants your honest feedback if there’s something you thought she might want to improve. We discern from the best of our ability where someone is emotionally, mentally, and spiritually to know what they can, or cannot receive in a way that will be best for their well being, while standing in your own truth. A Poem By Rudyard Kipling When I was 11, I had to recite a poem called If by Rudyard Kipling (my wise mother’s choice for a school assignment). At the time I only vaguely understood the words, and I interpreted the initial verse to mean ‘never lie’, but today I understand it to mean – trust yourself — be aligned within. Don’t lie to yourself about what you know is true for you. Others may create lies about you – don’t judge them for it will lead to contempt. If you can keep your head when all about you Are losing theirs and blaming it on you; If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you, But make allowance for their doubting too: If you can wait and not be tired by waiting, Or, being lied about, don’t deal in lies, Or being hated don’t give way to hating, And yet don’t look too good, nor talk too wise; When you allow yourself to BE YOU with the people who don’t blame, condemn, or who can’t understand because they don’t have your experience, you have the ability to change the energy of those around you where they now get to BE more of THEM, and YOU get to share even more of YOU. This is how you create the deepest, happiest, healthiest connections founded in love. It’s a freedom like no other, and the space to live true to yourself. Where are you following expectations, rules, and putting up with what doesn’t ring true for you? Are you …

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The Secret Practice of Letting It Go

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For years, I kept hearing about the power of surrendering or letting it go, but wasn’t really sure what it meant, or how it worked. Until I struggled with emotions of resentment, total disbelief, and disappointment when a long-time friend I loved, and trusted turned out not to be a true friend, I failed to see how the pain of betrayal was something I was creating. It became a blessing in disguise giving me a transformational practice of living judgment-free.  I learned the art of letting it go. When we feel upset, angry, frustrated thinking “how could you?” or “what’s wrong with you?”…we are seeing someone based on our unique perception. What drives us crazy is that they are not meeting the expectations we’ve imposed. Whether you are right or wrong to my utter amazement wasn’t relevant – it was my attachment to it that was causing my angst. Sure, we will always have differences in the way we see fuelled by our own opinions, beliefs, upbringing, and experiences. And experiencing negative emotions is part of our human nature – life is filled with ups and downs. But it’s not going to serve you to hold onto being right, and making someone wrong. It’s a slight distinction that has a massive impact on you holding destructive energy (low vibration) and sending it out to others. We fall into a trap of criticizing (blaming) or judging (condemning) someone. We see others how we are that keeps us blind wanting circumstances, and other’s responses to match our ‘reality’. If we communicate our disapproval with criticism or judgment, we expect others to change, ‘get it’, take responsibility for our ‘right’ way of ‘seeing’, but what they feel is ‘wronged’ – defensiveness, and separation results. If someone is open, they may be able to ‘see’ you, understand, expand their awareness where you can share more deeply, have discourse, come to a shifting together, but often either their lens or our lens is blocking the ability to see the whole picture for a variety of reasons. Someone’s words, and more importantly their behaviour will tell you exactly what they see. Pay close attention, and try to feel into what it must be like in their shoes, which are clearly a different colour, and style than yours. Doesn’t mean you agree – you are just opening yourself up to see, and hear through a different channel so you can respond in a way that best works for you. Most people have good intentions, but their motivation may differ drastically to you. Letting it go with these people is even more difficult. The question is: what is their underlying motivation, and is there a way to bridge the gap? Once you let go to accept (not necessarily like) the circumstances to ‘be what is‘ or someone to ‘be who they are‘, you will effectively give space for someone to show up ‘being them‘, so you can create the space to ‘be you‘, and an authenticity and vulnerability is available. Life becomes easier, more flowing, wildly fulfilling instead of circling in drama, nonsense, surface-dwelling, and the unending pursuit of the next best thing to make you ‘happy‘. You experience sublime moments of joy, connection, glorious wonder, including ecstasy because you end up creating, and attracting an outer world that matches a blossoming resonance (high vibration) growing within you. Here’s the struggle: our emotions can take over when anything we believe gets stepped on, or challenged from our character to the way the dishwasher is stacked. Slow down, and just notice ‘what isn’t working for me, and why based on what I value?’  You get to control how you choose to respond, allowing you to understand how letting it go makes things easier. Get curious about yourself, and what you perceive as ‘wrong’ that’s bothering you. Circumstances that are now in the past, and how someone else behaves is out of your control so no use hanging on there. Who are you? What are your beliefs that affect how you feel at your core? What moves you? Is true for you? What value is crying out wanting to be heard? Whatever you are resisting or having a conflict with is going against something you hold close to your heart. There is a deeper motivation of what you are attached to preventing you from letting go. A few places to look: 1) Past hurt or negative conditioning that puts up a wall with others 2) Your social conditioning of what is ‘right’ even though it may not be working for your situation 3) Fear of being vulnerable – avoiding disappointment (weakness), showing emotions, or admitting you were wrong (pride) 4) Your values are being stepped on. 1) Your heart may be hurting from a past wound needing to feel good enough, successful, loved. It’s so easy to blame someone else for the way we feel. The problem is you can’t heal by changing the outside to make you happy. It won’t last. The shift must come from inside – in the direction of love (or fear) you create with yourself. Self-love, and self-acceptance or remain the victim of the outside? It’s a choice. Everything you choose to think, say and do will move you in one direction or the other. Letting go of past hurt requires you shift to your spirit, and realize that the past is no longer relevant because NOW you can choose to respond differently. Change your thinking to change your perspective that was taking your past and bringing it into the present. There’s a faith you must have that it’s possible.  Sometimes asking for divine guidance to heal or give you the strength to see the situation clearly is the only way to let go. 2) Your struggle may be a belief , opinion, conclusion or assumption you see as ‘right’ so someone else is ‘wrong’. I grew up believing certain ways of thinking, and behaving were simply ‘right’. Some were, and some I discovered didn’t work for me I needed to let go of. Are you stressed because your ‘right’ way isn’t being followed? When someone is being self-righteous, they are not aware of it so remembering ‘truth’ (perception) is …

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