Saying “I was wrong” is never easy, but why asking for forgiveness is difficult has several reasons.
You’ve had a conflict with a loved one. You know you’re in the wrong at least partly. Despite an innocent intention, what landed was hurtful.
You feel bad, want to reach out, but the words aren’t coming.
Even when it feels like the right thing to do.
During any confrontation, we often react without thinking, especially in heated arguments where raw emotions and angry words are flying high.
You may recognize how you could have handled it better, but it’s a far cry from admitting “I’m sorry – will you please forgive me?”
Admitting fault implies “I was wrong, and you were right”, which isn’t how you feel when you’re still carrying anger and hurt. After all, look at how they treated you!
Navigating Our Different Truths
In any battle, there is rarely ever a clear right or wrong. Instead, there are 2 different experiences of truth that are not syncing and has escalated to a place where forgiveness is needed.
The biggest culprit that gets in the way of asking for forgiveness?
Our need to exercise control.
It’s human nature to need order, but there’s a toxic mix of needing to be right by being controlling that fosters drama, pain, and unforgiveness.
How Control Becomes Unhealthy
Most of us grew up in environments filled with uncertainty and imposed rules. We had to navigate through family and social expectations often being criticized while trying to find our own sense of control.
No one wants to be told how to behave according to someone else, and the dance was to create the freedom to be ourselves.
We’re not told how needing control can damage our relationships, and that a healthy version of having control requires a special practice when it comes to people that’s more about managing and trust.
Controlling behaviour impacts our ability to let go, and ask for forgiveness.
With the need to control comes 2 related behaviours that are very hard to recognize within ourselves, yet can be easily dished out to others: judgment, and blame.
The cycle of control, judgment, and blame is what makes asking for forgiveness difficult in these 7 Ways:
1) It’s easier to see someone else as wrong, but not ourselves.
Studies show that when others make a mistake, we’re more likely to blame them using internal attribution factors such as their personality. However, when we’ve made a mistake, we tend to use external attribution or the circumstances as the cause.
It’s a strange phenomenon, but it means we tend to judge people for their mistakes and blame the situation for ours!
There’s an inherent resistance to admitting you are wrong. What might that mean about you? Could it be you’re mean, lazy, or selfish? Who’s willing to admit they’re a terrible person?
It could certainly jeopardize your sense of worthiness, and ability to control.
2) It’s hard to take responsibility when we feel attacked because we get defensive.
Taking ownership over our part isn’t easy when we’re feeling like someone did something to us. Even if it wasn’t intentional, when we feel attacked or controlled – we immediately become defensive.
If you think it was intentional, you’ll justify your defensive behaviour!
“She was rude to me!” is a classic defensive reaction. Most people aren’t deliberately trying to offend you. They may be in a foul mood, stressed or dealing with any number of life’s challenges that’s making them controlling.
It’s not about you, but we react as if it is because someone is unkindly making it about you.
If you’re treated badly, standing up firmly for yourself is different than attacking back in defensiveness.
I call this “taking someone personally” instead of being curious (or confused) about why their energy feels attacking.
Here are a few ways defensiveness appears.
You..
- send the nasty email
- lash out with name-calling
- hang up on someone
- slam the door
- berate someone with yelling
- respond with indignation or disdain to shame or guilt someone
- impose your expertise implying you know better
- point back out their bad behaviour
Blame is now in the air, and trying to ask for forgiveness is next to impossible here.
3) If you’re demanding an apology, slow down – this is still controlling behaviour.
Someone may certainly be deserving of an apology, but it’s not going to come from it being demanded. The ‘ability to respond’ or take ‘responsibility’ can only come from within not without.
It’s the same way forcing discipline doesn’t work – what you want to teach is self-discipline.
Once you let go of the need for an apology, you are releasing blame which opens up the space to self-examine the part you played.
Take a deep breath, and ask yourself: what responsibility can I take?
What am I not seeing? What way did I show up that isn’t my highest self?
- Maybe you trusted someone that isn’t trustworthy.
- Perhaps you’ve justified being defensive.
- Could you have allowed hurt emotions to attack from pain that still hasn’t healed?
- Your core values (respect, decency, trust) may have been stepped on, and toxic self-righteousness is keeping you stuck.
Letting go of controlling how someone needs to apologize helps open the door to asking for forgiveness.
4) We misunderstand what forgiveness means.
Asking for forgiveness may feel like we’re excusing what we did, (or letting someone get away with what they did). Perhaps you feel tremendous guilt, and don’t think you deserve to be forgiven.
It’s as if you should have known better, and a sense of punishment feels needed.
But asking for forgiveness means taking a stand for your part without blaming or shaming yourself.
Forgiveness is not about the other person – it’s about freeing yourself of self-judgment so you can take responsibility however big or small, and allow someone else to do the same.
5) Asking for forgiveness May Not Get the Response You Want.
It takes 2 to tango in love and war. We may resist asking for forgiveness because there’s a fear that your loved one may not be willing to do the same, and admit their part.
What if it’s all your fault in their eyes when you know darn well it’s not? What if they don’t have the capacity or self-awareness to take responsibility for their part, and continue to blame you?
Letting go of how others choose is the practice of “The Serenity Prayer”, It’s learning to “accept what you cannot change” (surrender control) so you can take your next best action. It may require distancing yourself or walking away entirely.
All you can do is provide an opportunity by role modeling what is right for you.
Whatever the outcome, you can feel at peace with how you’ve shown up.
6) Asking for forgiveness requires courage and resilience.
Moving to the honest, deepest part of you isn’t easy. Admitting your own error takes courage, and resilience, which in turn requires a strong sense of self-worth.
You are laying your heart on the line when you ask for forgiveness. It could get trampled on.
Admitting your mistake means surrendering control. Is there a safe place to land? If there isn’t, are you going to be able to pick yourself back up again?
7) Your Willingness to Be Vulnerable
The willingness to admit “I was wrong, and I’m still OK even if you don’t forgive me” requires you to be vulnerable.
It’s stepping into what Brene Brown calls the power of vulnerability. She says “vulnerability is not about weakness, it’s about showing up and being seen.”
Expressing “I am truly sorry” from a genuine sense of remorse is the secret to your own spiritual growth.
As human beings, we were born to make mistakes, learn, and grow. Resolving our own conflicts when forgiveness is called for takes you to a state where you’re no longer carrying the ‘unfinished business’ of bitterness, and blame.
You’re not free because someone has forgiven you, you become free when you can ask for forgiveness, and release control because it means you’ve forgiven yourself.
That’s when asking for forgiveness becomes much less difficult.
