I often find myself in conversations saying “what you just shared with me (about a loved one), DID YOU TELL THEM?”
There’s a pause, and then invariably…NO. It didn’t dawn on them to share that.
THAT totally authentic feeling of hurt or bliss I just got to hear never got expressed with their loved one.
My heart sinks knowing WHY these genuine expressions go silently under the radar in most relationships. I remember for years what I didn’t say in mine.
We don’t speak what’s in our hearts with the ones who need to hear it most. Often we don’t know HOW given the way we’ve been relating our whole life, nor what’s MISSING when we don’t.
What’s a Relationship Really?
It’s a sacred space you co-create with someone else. It has expectations, and rules you’ve made up. It has a past that can strongly affect how you play in it now.
There’s a sense of safety, and belonging we all want, but also a drive for adventure. We need this non-judgmental space to grow, and change with others.
We have a tough time changing as it is – let alone with someone else. But this is the constant that nourishes our soul in relationships.
It’s the strangest thing. We aim for world peace when we ought to strive for world authenticity. How do you feel? Are you happy? What are you afraid of? What do you want? Who are you stressed at? What’s really hurting you?
What’s just not working?
What are you NOT saying?
How much of this gets shared in your conversations?
Harmony rules over authenticity in most relationships.
Let’s face it – we don’t enjoy conflict, disappointment, or frustration. Most of us avoid it like the plague. It’s more interesting watching other people’s drama in the media than deal with our own. Life can be a constant swirl of busyness, and activities.
It’s challenging enough dealing with the existing frustrations.
Who has time or energy to dig into all that stuff? It might rock the boat. Harmony is easier.
But the bigger culprit I’ve noticed of why our authentic words don’t get expressed?
“They wouldn’t get me.”
If you’ve ever felt like the ones you love don’t get you, but someone else does – I’d like to suggest something.
What if it’s the other way around?
Could it be that you don’t fully get them because of what you’ve NOT said?
Have you given someone the opportunity to show up fully because you’ve shared what’s really in your heart?
If you’ve given up trying to express what you want because “they wouldn’t get it” – how they really feel gets concealed. This is the dance of getting to the edge of BEING YOU with someone else.
How speaking up ‘heartwise’ affected my relationships..
I initially emailed what was too hard to say to my husband over a decade ago: “When you’re away, I don’t miss you anymore.” He travelled a lot for work. It was my dreaded “tell-tale” sign that I was ready to break-up with a past boyfriend, and he knew it.
But that’s exactly how I felt. We had 3 toddlers at the time. I wrote further, “I don’t want to not miss you, so we need to address when you get home.” It’s been baby steps of a growing practice of saying what’s hard to say ever since.
Being this real over the years has come close to breaking us apart. EVERYTHING gets put on the table when I’m forced to deal with who he is, and he with who I am. I had to risk playing at the edge for our relationship to flourish or naturally come apart.
Life is too short to settle by me not showing up.
I learned the hard way that trusted friends could betray me. The moment I was willing to share what I’d held off saying…I got the rude awakening. I allowed someone to disappoint me because I betrayed my own inner voice.
If any of my 3 teens are driving me nuts, it’s ME that doesn’t get them. When I put my reaction on the back burner, and share what I normally wouldn’t say, (“this is what hurts me”, or “I’m sorry for over-reacting – here’s what I wanted to say”). That’s when they show me who they are.
They are innocent, and needing my inner truth to help them speak their own. There’s a mutual respect that grows here for whatever shows up surpassing any need for punishment or even consequences.
It’s empowering from a different guide: their own well-being.
If I’m taken aback by someone’s behaviour it’s because what aligns within me is not being met. Their reaction is out of my control. It’s me that doesn’t know them because I’m the one surprised.
If it’s someone I love, my responsibility is to tell them what’s not ok with me for OUR relationship, while being curious about where they are coming from.
You will offend some people by speaking from the heart, but now it’s real. Their reaction will be either an apology, resistance or piss off. It gives you everything you need to decide.
You will connect at levels you can’t imagine when you are this real – the best, and worst of who you are becoming has space to thrive.
You can look back at any difficult relationship, and notice the spots where something felt ‘off’. It’s where you stayed silent instead of speaking from your soul.
If you are holding resentment against someone, send them a silent thank you – their contrast allowed you to align more deeply with who you really are.
How long will you wait to share your true feelings? Will it be until…
The day your spouse says “I’m not sure if I love you” or the day you are wondering the same thing.
You finally discover your beloved friend is not the person you thought she was.
Your child has been hiding something you assumed they’d tell you.
A sibling or family member has been silently blaming you for years.
A colleague stabs you in the back.
The more you start noticing what you’re not saying, the faster you can create real connections that last, and remove or distance yourself from the ones that drain you.
Unless you speak what’s in your heart (even if it may sadden, anger, disappoint, or hurt someone) you will not be able to see someone for who they really are.
Where You Want to Play
A sacred space opens in your relationships when you practice saying what you used to keep silent. It’s here where you are most powerful to co-create exactly what you desire.
Getting here will not be sunshine, and roses: everyone’s inner truth shows up you’ll be facing head on. People you thought you knew suddenly become strangers.
It can feel uncomfortable being transparent. Your current circle aren’t used to you this way, but strangers who play here become instant friends.
Are you willing not to be liked – even hated? Will you stop pleasing? Are you done settling? Are you willing to explore, and ask for what you want, and need?
What resonates with your soul becomes a must.
It’s baby steps of shifting into a divine space that you co-create together.
That tiny space of saying what you’re not. I practice it daily, and I want you to also. Here’s HOW:
- Say what both resonates, and is out of alignment with your soul you are not saying.
- Don’t settle, accommodate, avoid or be afraid of someone’s true reaction if you love them. Allow, and step in so you can see someone else fully, and they can see you.
- People may criticize, and judge you. Just let them be themselves. Their business, not yours.
- Be curious when anyone’s behaviour surprises you. Ask: what am I not seeing?
- Share your heart without criticizing or judging. No attacking with “what’s wrong with you”, or “you should….”. Notice their reaction. It speaks volumes.
- Discern when the space is not available to hear you. Some are not ready to listen, but seek those who can. They allow you the space to keep expanding.
Stand back, and watch how your relationships evolve.
And, that tiny space you created?
It’s how we’re all connected to something far greater.
It’s the kind of love you’ve been seeking all along.
You’re not just co-creating with someone else.
When you love another person from your soul, you’ll see the face of God reflecting back to you.
Just for saying what you didn’t say : )
What will you practice saying in your next conversation with a loved one?
<This post was inspired by many conversations over the years with dear friends, and clients. Thank you for saying to me what I want you to share with your loved ones.>